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MasterLark -> RE: When Trust Is Broken (1/16/2009 9:13:20 PM)
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There are so many red flags in your friend's situation of what the so-called jerk of a Dominant did and didn't do, I can't count 'em all. Others have noted them.
Your question is: how does your friend process so many emotions when something of this nature has such a dramatic effect? She was horrified her trust was breached, horrified by being cut in the way that was the most exceptionally painful, she has trust issues of long standing, she had virtually no aftercare and she blames herself for it happening...and perhaps more.
Your friend first needs to be protected from the Dominant and knows she is being protected.
She cannot process all the emotions roiling in her at once. So whatever is "on top" needs to be dealt with first. From your postings, it sounds like the blaming herself for it happening is on top, and that she failed her Dominant. I do not know her personality or history but you do. She needs to hear from either another Master/Dominant or a sub/slave she trusts. That person needs to authoritatively tell her (not just inform or educate, since she is not in a place for that yet, due to the shock) she did not fail her Dominant NOR HERSELF one whit, but that the Dominant was the one who failed as a Dominant. This is new information to her and so it will take awhile for her to take it on board. The key here is an authority she trusts countervails the "false truth" in her head.
Once she knows she is protected and safe, and accepts to whatever degree that the horror was not caused by her but the Dominant, then you can move through other swirling emotions, emotions that may seesaw and contradict each other (eg i loved him, i hated what happened etc). Sometimes a good way to release these emotions is having her writing freely and without restriction whatever she is feeling, whether they make sense or not, just write as much as she needs to write. There is an exercise some writers do to de-clutter their minds, called Morning Pages. First thing in the morning, before doing anything else at all, they sit down and write whatever comes to mind and are tasked to fill three blank pages, and then stop. It doesn't need to make sense, nor be grammatically correct or spelled correctly. What it does is to clear the mind of the "clutter" and enable sharper thoughts and feelings to emerge later. This might be helpful for her for now.
Trust is rebuilt slowly and in small steps, patiently. There are ways to do this and they would be worth doing. Help her let time heal her by not having her isolated but engaged in fun and special moments with you and others. She needs to be included, but included in a way she is taken care of but not babysat. Time provides perspective.
At the right time, she needs to re-learn how things might be different if she had learned how to trust and act differently in a BDSM situation. Of course this is entangled in whatever previous trust issues she has had, which we don't know about. A prime learning is at least this: because he is a Master/Dom doesn't mean she has no brain, common sense, or respect and doesn't mean that he is by definition always right, entitled, and blameless.
She needs hugs for no reason whatsoever for many days to come; give them.
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