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RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 5:30:51 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JadetheBoheme

Oh, I have a lot of friends that teach me. I'm looking for that one Mentor dealie --- so there's no protocol, no proper way?

Well, if dont realize that cutesy wording for what you are looking for, and hoping to find the one who will teach you everything you need to know right off the bat will not happen, then no there is no proper way.

Do you even understand what the main reason for having a mentor is? Do you actually know what it is you are looking to find, or do you assume you should have one because everyone else does? Do you reaize that having a mentor wil be a negative strike in the eyes of many, assuming you have a dominant one, becasue you will be considered taken?

Many of us will not play with someone under the "collar of protection" of someone else because we have no desire to answer to another dominant. Collared, regardless of how and why, means taken to us, and we will not play with someone elses toy.

DV

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VampiresLair

(in reply to JadetheBoheme)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 5:59:48 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		not having other tops/doms/dommes try to play with you is one of the better reasons for being under someone's protection sometimes (wink). It makes it REAL easy to say no in a respectful and friendly way to someone that you feel is just looking at you as a peice of meat.

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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 7:18:10 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I've found that the easiest way to say no is to....just say no.
To involve a third party seems like a lot of extra work.

Him: Hey baby, wanna play?
Me:  Hold on...(runs off to find her mentor)
Me: Mentor...someone asked me to play.  What the fuck do I do?
Mentor: *Saunters over to Him.  Please fill out this questionnare and then I'll get back to you.

Two hours later....
Mentor:  I'm sorry.  You said that you liked wearing pink bunny slippers on question# 866.  That is an extreme hard limit for her...  No play for you.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 7:41:49 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		wow....sure seems to be snark in the air today:-) - but....Mentor, was the question - and this word seems to be a red flag to some - and mean something positive to another.

To me a Mentor is one i can turn to when i struggle with something in my life, and i can not find my way alone. One that has a good mind and a healthy down to earth look at things - one to ground me when i am up there in the clouds. i often use my heart before my brain kicks in - and it is good to know i have One that knows me like this - asks nothing of me - but can reel me in and say "listen, b - we need to talk"..He knows all sides of me - my submissive side - my mom side - i can trust Him with everything - and it is good for the soul for Uus both....He needs and wants to mentor/help me - i want/need Him to do so.

Parents are or can be mentors - a best friend can be one - a shrink can be one...i am lucky enough to have several mentors...people i love and respect - and also with a chance that i can give back what they so lovingly are giving me.

My One Mentor has been a good friend for 8 years...we have never met in real time, but He has helped me through some really dark moments in my life...smiles...

in rt - my 2 best friends are also my mentors - and this is given back from me...25 years of rock solid friendship has shown us that. we have gone through losing loved ones - divorces - you name it.....and there is nothing i do not trust them with, and vice versa.

That....is what a Mentor is to me...s...not some sneaky dude wanting to get into my pants....winks....



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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 8:46:00 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

Mentoring is a two way street. All "they are only doing it for the sex" aside, someone that is willing and able to mentor will not put your life together for you. They will not think bratty acting out is anything other that bratty acting out and will call you on it. They will not set you up with your dream partner that happens to be their best friend. They will push you to understand what you want and need. They will push you to think about your desires. They will dom you in non overtly sexual ways (in most cases this is actually a good thing) and they will get tired of putting out that much work for little or no reward. They are not your doctor, therapist, or surrogate parent or ex lover for you to work your mental and emotional issues out on. They will listen, care, talk to you until your ears bleed, assign homework, expect personal growth from you, and care like hell about you and what happens to you.

If you want a dom but don't want to be deeply involved with someone, some mentors will be fine with that. Lots of people, especially your kinky friends will be willing to care and help you learn tricks and tips. But mentoring is a bond with different power exchance levels that friends.

Best of luck and as for asking this person, Cali said it best: be clear with yourself what you are asking before you ask it. And be SURE what you want and what your limits are BEFORE you ask.




Now THIS is what I'm talking about! Thank you, feydeplume!

(in reply to feydeplume)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 8:51:16 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		By the way, I'm slightly surprised by the level of rudeness some of these posts have. Just because I'm looking for a Mentor, doesn't mean I'm inexperienced, lost, sub-frenzied or helpless. I'm very active in my local community and volunteer for lifestyle outreach whenever I can. I'm also the primary demo model for the Kinbaku group and will be working with Mr. Mark Yu this March --- so do not make the mistake in thinking that I've just jumped into the world vagoo-first and am hoping to land where I may. I know what I'm doing and am quite capable of doing it. I want that next step in the lifestyle - and I believe, truly, that a Mentor (as we describe it in MY local community) will be able to help bring me there. Feydeplume's and badlittlethang's interpretations are not far from my own. My only concern was asking my Dom friend to be my Mentor as properly and within-protocol as possible. The way I've been wording my proposal in my head seemed jumbled and strange, so I wished to seek advice on *tactic* on the forum - not whether or not I was capable of, or wanted a Mentor.

Thank you.

< Message edited by JadetheBoheme -- 1/17/2009 8:54:00 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:14:55 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

Well, I'd suggest stepping out of your clothes and falling at his feet.....but that's just me.

;-)
That goes against what I believe the mentor role is. In my view a mentor is someone that guides and teaches, but does not get involved in D/s, sex or romance with the mentoree. And personally, I think that having a mentor of your own sex and orientation (D or s), is the best way to engage in mentorship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

Where I live, a submissive at a party MUST be 'under the protection' of a Dominant, and it is considered best to be under the mentourship or collar of protection of one, although, if not, asking the party host for protection for the evening will suffice.
  I find that sad. They've placed a stigma on being a single submissive. They've intimated that a single submissive is incapable of protecting themselves or making a decision.

When I was single I went to socials alone and met up with friends. I went to the Lair alone and met up with friends. Not once did I ever need to be under mentorship or "collar of protection" (which I think is joke, anyway). If I ever got to someone that just didn't get that I wanted nothing to do with him, I had plenty of male friends around me.

People that won't respect that "No means No" from a submissive isn't going to respect mentorship or a "collar of protection".

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 1/17/2009 9:31:20 AM >

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:17:44 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		OG...it was a joke, as WH already recognized.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:21:55 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		It is a little strange - to me, as a person - to see that a submissive does need some form of escort at events ---but maybe this works out for them? Maybe they're group has had troubles in the past and they feel this will best sort those things out? I must admit, the daydreamer in me thinks it's a little arousing to have something proper like that. Bit of a throwback to the way-old days, no? ;)

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:23:00 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JadetheBoheme

Just because I'm looking for a Mentor, doesn't mean I'm inexperienced, lost, sub-frenzied or helpless.



Perhaps not, but believing that there is a universal protocol for ANYTHING in BDSM does show that you are indeed any or all of those things.



quote:


I'm very active in my local community and volunteer for lifestyle outreach whenever I can.



That's good to hear.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to JadetheBoheme)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:37:11 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		I do not recall asking for something universal, perhaps because I didn't. I know, very well, that things vary - any example of social behavior can show you that. I wanted takes on what one person has seen in their community or what they have, in their experience, witnessed and believe to be more effective. 

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:41:53 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JadetheBoheme
I wanted takes on what one person has seen in their community or what they have, in their experience, witnessed and believe to be more effective. 



Well, perhaps next time it would be better to say something like that early on, instead of something like this:


quote:

I'm looking for that one Mentor dealie --- so there's no protocol, no proper way?



Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to JadetheBoheme)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 9:53:24 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		Well, if the purpose of my post was to get an answer - and then I received plenty of very good answers sent to me via cmail, then the post has served it's purpose. So, no, I disagree. Considering I gained the information I asked for, there's no need to say that 'this' or 'that' could have been better or should have been different, ne?

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 10:47:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Are you coming to Austin then?  Let me know the dates and we should do a meet or some such.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to JadetheBoheme)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 10:58:45 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Okay, I give up.  Yes, you got answers.  If unclear communication is your style, and you don't care that a bunch of people misunderstood you, and you didn't get as many answers that addressed the actual situation as you could have, then more power to ya.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 11:16:51 AM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		I do go to Austin a lot, but, admittedly, don't know very much about the groups down there. I keep meaning to meet up with people there, but all my trips to Austin have been very short. I'd love to learn about your community, lady, so please please please shoot me a cmail sometime and tell me all about it :D I have some friends in Austin new to the kinkier side of life who would love a group to go to.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 11:56:10 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
Oside Girl said; That goes against what I believe the mentor role is. In my view a mentor is someone that guides and teaches, but does not get involved in D/s, sex or romance with the mentoree. And personally, I think that having a mentor of your own sex and orientation (D or s), is the best way to engage in mentorship.
[/quote]

I think your just about spot on here and although others have said similar, you worded this very clearly.
I was mentor to a young female submissive for a while and all of what you said above is what was offered to her.
I was not a bodyguard so much as a friend that looked out for her when she felt unsafe/unsure or just simply exhausted from all the come on's she got when out at the clubs.
A young, very beautiful but nieve female blossomed safely to become more informed, more aware of her needs and went on to find herself a great guy who was able to fulfill those needs safely and sanely.
We are still good friends and always will be.

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 1/17/2009 11:57:23 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 11:58:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JadetheBoheme
I do go to Austin a lot, but, admittedly, don't know very much about the groups down there. I keep meaning to meet up with people there, but all my trips to Austin have been very short. I'd love to learn about your community, lady, so please please please shoot me a cmail sometime and tell me all about it :D I have some friends in Austin new to the kinkier side of life who would love a group to go to.

Tell them to check out Voyagers, which incidentally is likely the only public open social party you'll find Mark Yu at besides the Rope Group. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to JadetheBoheme)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 12:08:09 PM   
JadetheBoheme


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		Voyagers? I'll be sure to pass it on to them. And will check it out myself the next time I'm in Austin. So far, I've only been to in-state groups, with the exception of the group we visited in Kansas. I am very interested in looking at more groups in Texas but, until I'm 21, the number of groups/clubs I can see are a bit limited.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Mentoring - 1/17/2009 1:51:47 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I was not a bodyguard so much as a friend that looked out for her when she felt unsafe/unsure or just simply exhausted from all the come on's


That sounds nice...a friend that looks out for and teaches another friend. I never got the asinine need for people to lable things in BDSM...mentor, pfft. But then again, I don't get the need to fling protocol around either.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 40
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