How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (Full Version)

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strangedesire -> How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 6:15:56 AM)

I realize that I'm a little bit unusual among dominant women, because I'm more interested in casual play than relationships with men.  However, I find myself extremely frustrated with the number of local men who will email me, chat, get there wank fodder, and then simply not follow through.  I realize that this is online dating, and people will be flaky, but I'm frustrated with the number of men who will drag me on for three-hour chat sessions and then decide that they don't want to move to real life.  Any advice for spotting these guys ahead of time? 

I realize that, yes, I'm setting myself up for this by chatting with strange men about their fantasies.  However, I'd really like to find a way to get to know people online, including their sexual quirks and what they want, without satisfying every local guy who wants a personalized porno.  Is there any way to judge who wants to meet up and who wants to jerk off to the thought of some girl spanking him? 

I think that I'm pretty clear in my profile about what I do and don't want, but if I'm accidentally giving off "I want to be your webcam Mistress" vibes, by all means, feel free to let me know. 



MsStarlett -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 6:31:31 AM)

Men are horn dogs.  They will say ANYTHING to get one on one time with you, preferably on cam on on the phone, chatt is the next best thing.  Make them stick to the emails.  Then they have to wait for your responces.  If they are seriously interested in you as a human being first, they will do it.  Otherwise, they will move on to find the next female is doing exactly what you are discribing.  Giving them free, no commitment on-line personalized porn.  You're letting yourself be used.  Just remember, there are TONS of porn sites that make men pay for that service.  Don't let them use you for free.  And I'm not talking about demanding 'Tribute' either!  Just don't do it unless it flips your trigger to do it that way. 

I did kinky cam rooms for YEARS!  It was very new 15 years ago.  Even a shotty black and white cam cost over $100 back then.  There were no websites like this one.  Just chatt rooms on mIRC which had 'reflectors' where people could get on cam in large groups and get really kinky.  I thought it was very HOT to sit and watch guys from all over the world do crazy things just because I asked them to do it.  But after awhile, it gets really old.  It gets even worse when you figure out that those men do not give one shit in the wind about YOU as a human being.  They just want to see your tits or have you fulfill their fantasies.  They will say ANYTHING to ANY female, no matter how old, young, fat, thin, pretty or butt ugly.  They will tell her that she's the hottest, most beautiful thing they have ever seen and beg her to 'lower the cam' and show them something.   I saw them doing it to every single woman who would turn on the cam. 

Be firm.  Don't give up ANYTHING until you get what YOU WANT!  Wheither that is cam play or dinner.  You're the Domme.  Take control.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 6:47:18 AM)

I find it hard to believe you're having difficulty finding men to hook up with for a play session.   The one thing you are doing wrong, is giving the people who want to play online what they want, and so they're not compelled in any way to meet you.
I would suggest retaining a little mistery, and not giving up all of you online, and let them come to you if they want to play.    Even online, I would imagine men like a little something left to be hoped for, and desired.   
Is there a reason you're not joining local groups where you will meet plenty of willing victims all of the time for play?   My biggest difficulty with what we do is that I'm not interested in casual play, because in my foray into local groups, I found that was abundantly available.
Good luck,   M



chiaThePet -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 7:07:47 AM)


Form two lines?

chia* (the pet)



strangedesire -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 7:24:47 AM)

Good advice, MsSarlett.  I do tend to give it away too freely.  I like making people happy, I guess.  



LadyHibiscus -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 7:39:59 AM)

It is SO easy to be too giving when you are screening, especially when you are naturally friendly.   When I was looking for casual playmates, I went from an online discussion to PHONE to MEET at a place like a coffee shop.  I always set up the meet somewhere convenient to me, so if they blew me off, I still had a lovely beverage and my day wasn't interrupted. 

They get ONE chance to meet.  Then, a play date was arranged, also to suit ME. 

I still got plenty of no-shows, believe me.  If you have a good local scene, post in your journal what party you will be at, and tell them to show up.  If you do munches, do the same.  Make yourself LESS available, and stop wasting your own time.  Good luck!



strangedesire -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 8:26:12 AM)

I'm not having trouble finding people to play with.  Not a lot of luck on CM yet, but craigslist has been very good to me.  I'm mostly frustrated with the amount of time I've put into people who flake out on me.  I don't consider spending three or six hours getting to know someone problematic if I'll get to play with him, but it's a timesink, and I don't want to spend that time on guys looking to get their rocks off in private. 

I really do need to get involved with my local community.  I'm pretty shy in social situations, though, so it's hard. 



MsLadySue -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 8:53:12 AM)

My experience shows that guys looking only for wank fodder won't chat long if you keep the conversation to learning about them as a person and off what you will do to them during play time. They will continue trying to turn the conversation back to the sexual aspect of pleasing you or what you will do for them. That's how you know they are only looking to get their rocks off.



PeonForHer -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 8:59:41 AM)

Your profile strikes a fairly good balance of personality and BDSM interests, SD, but I'm not sure the last line works well.  Since it is  the last line, it serves to emphasise kink over personality.  When you talk to these men, do you hint that you'd like to get to know them in a non-BDSM way?  That might help.  If they take up the cues to talk about non-kink interests, that should be a good sign.



DrkJourney -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:06:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

My experience shows that guys looking only for wank fodder won't chat long if you keep the conversation to learning about them as a person and off what you will do to them during play time. They will continue trying to turn the conversation back to the sexual aspect of pleasing you or what you will do for them. That's how you know they are only looking to get their rocks off.


This is so true.  Keep it a very G-rated learning session about the two of you.  As far as learning about "kinks" (I hate that word..lol)  then you tell them you only interview in person and that's when you discuss likes/dislikes, limits, etc., but let's face it, some can get off by just someone giving them any kind of attention, like saying "hello, how are you?"...lol

I wouldn't IM or phone, tell them conversational emails only.  You'll get the "well I need to know what you're into to see if we are compatible" bit, but just make your profile very clear about what you are looking for and your style and tell them to refer to your profile.  If they want to talk in depth then they have to have a face to face.

And when you do meet in person, keep it kind of clinical, for lack of a better word, don't let them spin off into scenarios...keep it basic and just list making kind of stuff. 

Honestly, you can put up all the walls, safeguards, and electric fences there are but there will still be some that gets under the radar...just have to learn each time and move on.

I've been down this road too many times...might take a while to find someone, and it will be frustrating, but at least you don't feel so used because you didn't give them what they want.



thishereboi -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:08:48 AM)

If I meet someone online that I am interested in getting to know, I ask them to meet me in real life. I don't do online anything and if that is all they want then I move on.



MsLadySue -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:11:00 AM)

In the first chat conversation do they ask:
    - will you let me cum?
    - what do you wear when you play?
    - are you naked when you play?
    - do you wear sexy lingerie?
    - will you let me orally service you for hours?
    - are you shaved?

in my experience it's all about wank fodder and they will never meet you.



chathamvahere -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:13:13 AM)

If you think finding a male who will meet is hard, trying to find a female is very,very,(insert dam near impossible) hard, but don't give up, just be more selective in your search, and do not give them what they want, as  was stated above, (they will always try to lean the conversation back to what will happen during playtime)- (it is a fantasy to them) do not let them control the conversation, and always try to get the phone number and or address, if they are truly thinking of meeting you, he or she  will give you contact information, and  finally,when you do decide to  meet the person,, meet them in public first for your safety, do not just give someone  your address, (until you know and trust them) use caution, I wish you luck in your search.



Youresomine -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:15:37 AM)

I don't do hours and hours of chat online, besides being tedious, I simply haven't the time.  You really can't know who you are speaking with until you meet. Quick weeding solution is to narrow your chat time.



Usako -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 9:19:43 AM)

I echo the "keep it G-rated" idea. I feel if someone can't hold a basic convo online, chances are they won't be able to in person. No harm in sprinkling in a bit of BDSM talk into the convo but if he can't focus on anything else than BDSM then he's either a wanker or creepy. Honestly, a guy who can entertain me mentally with a good conversation has a much better chance of me wanting to play with them than a guy who keeps going on about wanting to worship my feet or have me spank them.

And, of course, I would never webcam with any of them. My goal is to meet, I have a picture up if they want to see more than he better suck it up and meet me in person.



DominaSmartass -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 10:01:10 AM)

Everyone else has covered the bases, I don't think there's anything left for me to add. It's sooo true, if they want to have a 3 hour conversation and continuously ask you what you'll do to them, what you've done to people in the past, and can't get interested in learning anything else about you, just "hang up" on them and move on. Also, I am not opposed to meeting someone very soon after starting to chat. See if they're free that night for dinner or coffee instead of a 6 hour IM exchange.



Dnomyar -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 10:07:00 AM)

I will agree with Usako and keep it G-rated. Get to know the person first. Whatever else will happen when it does.



LaTigresse -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 2:06:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

My experience shows that guys looking only for wank fodder won't chat long if you keep the conversation to learning about them as a person and off what you will do to them during play time. They will continue trying to turn the conversation back to the sexual aspect of pleasing you or what you will do for them. That's how you know they are only looking to get their rocks off.


Exactly. I tend to boor them into running away really fast! I cannot imagine why they are not interesting in discussing the weather, work, how much my cat is starting to look like a beached Orca.......and any number of things that most people tend to discuss when getting to know one another.



MsStarlett -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 4:03:33 PM)

StrangeDesire, have you ever thought of moving to England?  Peon's a really nice guy who needs a nice Domme.  [:)]

Sorry to have sounded so bitter in my prior post, but I have had some truly dreadful experiences.  The fact that I used to participate so heavily in chatt rooms and group cam sessions, I've seen the way these HNG's (Horny Net Geeks) treat women like trash.  It's just not pretty.  And they really hounded the ones like you who were just trying to be nice, friendly and get their own jollies.  After a while, you would catch the ones that were 'supposed' to be in 'commited relationships' with other channel member using the exact same lines on every new female who joined the group.  It got pretty sickening after awhile. 

Talking to other Dommes and even sub Females on here, I've found that many of the same shabby behavior is still going strong.  My lady friend and neighbor joined CM and we were compairing notes.  She and I were getting almost identical mail from the same local subs.  It just makes you go "Hmmmmmm...."



MsStarlett -> RE: How to separate those who want to play online from those who will meet in reality? (1/19/2009 4:06:34 PM)

Tigresse, I love your technique.  I've done the same a hundred times.  The ones like Westie, Wall-e, Bear, Scottie, and even PeonForHer who are just as happy talking about my dog or my favorite TV show as they are talking about their own kinks are the Good Guys.  They stick around.  They actually care about you as a FRIEND first and a potential play partner second.  They are rare, preciouse finds... but they ARE out there!



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