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Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:38:36 PM   
plzuseme82


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		I am a new sub, I have a little experience in this lifestyle & I want to learn more. I have always been facinated by the idea of being bound & used & I have used that fantasy to orgasm more times than I can count. I am wondering why then was I overtaken by this sense of self loathing after my first experience.

I met a Dom on this site & met him for an intro play session. There was no talk before the session started & he had little regard for my limits (which were discussed beforehand.) I had followed his instructions to a tee. He started by using my mouth & teaching me several positions. I won't go into the rest of the details but I had to force myself to a very weak orgasm & after it was over I got out of there as soon as I could. I feel like a switch has gone off in my head & I may never be the same willing sub again. Is this me or is this the result of the wrong Dom going too fast too soon???
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:43:09 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plzuseme82

I am wondering why then was I overtaken by this sense of self loathing after my first experience.


Probably because of this:

quote:

I met a Dom on this site & met him for an intro play session. There was no talk before the session started & he had little regard for my limits (which were discussed beforehand.)


The self loathing probably comes in because you allowed this person to treat you in a way that you didn't want to be treated.  I would suggest being a little more discriminant.

(in reply to plzuseme82)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:55:06 PM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		BDSM is not like a pill you can just swallow, not instant gratification, and yeah, it's probably going too far too fast, he didn't " read you"right, and you may have given off the wrong message - it's really a more of a head game than just a bunch of kinky techniques. I'd say you'd be better off finding someone with more experience to guide you - you have fantasized a lot about this, and there's always going to be a difference between the fantasy and the reality and that goes for doms, equally, if not more so, it's one of those things you learn when you have more sexual experience in general.

Find somebody you can relate to non-sexually, some people can't handle one night stands, and that alone can make you feel badly, unappreciated, etc., there really ought to be more of a connection there, if you wouldn't have wham-bam,-thank-you-ma'am sex on a first date in a vanilla situation, a kink situation isn't going to be any different. particularly your first time out.

Talk to other submissives, they call this sub-drop, it's sort an intense post-coital depression, and most submissives have preferences for aftercare, whether it's cuddling, or some other sort of reassurance - not everybody needs it , but it sounds like you did, and didn't get it.

Here's hoping you get back on the horse, and have a better experience.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 1/19/2009 6:56:29 PM >

(in reply to plzuseme82)
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RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:57:40 PM   
femmetasia


Posts: 40
Joined: 11/18/2008
Status: offline 		You ''self' loathing is misdirected, it should be directed towards the so-called dom who did not respect limits previously discussed.  He's not a dom but a jerk.  There are beautiful Dom's out there, just take the time to get to know them first. 

_____________________________

I bend, but I do not break - Jean de La Fontaine

(in reply to marie2)
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RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:57:43 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I think this may be one of those situations where fantasy is much better than reality.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 6:58:22 PM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: plzuseme82

I am wondering why then was I overtaken by this sense of self loathing after my first experience.


Probably because of this:

quote:

I met a Dom on this site & met him for an intro play session. There was no talk before the session started & he had little regard for my limits (which were discussed beforehand.)


The self loathing probably comes in because you allowed this person to treat you in a way that you didn't want to be treated.  I would suggest being a little more discriminant.
No doubt, don't rush it; find somebody who can treat you like a person before you let them treat you like an object.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 7:02:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Agreed- if you want something for yourself, you have to be able to actively get it, and actively reject things which are not "it" 

I understand, the rules say you follow orders and you both get good fun.  But that's only if you're both playing by the rules.  You need to recognize sooner when someone isn't going to work for you AND be comfortable saying that it's just not working and needs to end.

And if you're worried about that "not being submissive" then feel free to just marry the next dude who emails you because it's the same outcome.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Amaros)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 7:44:35 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you had such a crummy experience. 
The lack of respect for your limits was seriously uncool.  I can relate based on one experience I had where the previously stated limits were not only discarded by the third party but over-ruled by my boyfriend.  The experience was sickening and it still makes my skin crawl to think on it.  I want to point out, though, that I had a choice: after my disbelief over my limits not being respected, I could have kicked, screamed, kicked someone in the b*lls, and got out of there.  After the limit was disrespected, the 'damage' was done, so I made the decision to just get it over with and get the f*ck out.  The reason I am pointing this out is because even in really crummy scenarios, I think that exercising personal choice is important and makes 'playing the victim' less likely.  I don't do victim.  Don't allow this one scenario to negatively impact who you are or what you choose to do; live, learn, and attempt not to repeat the same errors. 
Best wishes,
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 7:51:01 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2
quote:

I met a Dom on this site & met him for an intro play session. There was no talk before the session started & he had little regard for my limits (which were discussed beforehand.)


The self loathing probably comes in because you allowed this person to treat you in a way that you didn't want to be treated.  I would suggest being a little more discriminant.


Honestly, her username is "plzuseme" plus her profile clearly states she's looking for a guy to use her and her profile pics are nothing but nude or lewd shots. I have no idea what conversations went on between her and this man but it seems she got what she asked for. She met a random dude off line and went right into play and he used her, seems legit to me.

OP, you say you're new and all that jazz but that is no reason to throw common sense out the window. You should have stopped things the moment you felt uncomfortable. Just because you're submissive and he was dominant doesn't mean you have to put up with something you really don't want to do. Until you're in a relationship with someone you don't owe them anything.

Personally, I suggest changing your username, profile and pictures. If you come off wanting to be "used" and showing off all your naughty bits then you're going to attract more guys like this. No idea if you're married or if you're looking for long term, but I personally don't do play on first casual meeting.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 7:57:31 PM   
lonlylittlegirl


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone always wants to blame the big bad dom. Well you are not a victim here. You could have said no. You could have said stop. You played with someone without talking about it first. Mistake number one. Not a good idea for a newbie. Also as somone suggested, you might want to change your pictures and profile a bit. The kind of men you are going to attract are not going to treat you with respect becuase you do not treat yourself with respect. It sounds alot like you were living your fantasy for the first time, and it didn't go quite the way you wanted it to. Take your time getting to know a play partner before you just jump for a first time. otherwise you are going to get hurt. Many times over.

(in reply to plzuseme82)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 8:04:30 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plzuseme82

I am a new sub, I have a little experience in this lifestyle & I want to learn more. I have always been facinated by the idea of being bound & used & I have used that fantasy to orgasm more times than I can count. I am wondering why then was I overtaken by this sense of self loathing after my first experience.


It would be my guess that you are feeling loathing because of the person you chose to have this experience with.  Be discriminatory, have standards.  Have conversations and get to know one another.  Have a meal.  Discuss your desires. his desires, where you're looking to go in relationship.  Just because someone is a 'd' type doesn't mean you should offer youself to him to use as he wishes.  You have choices.  Have a backbone and have an actual chat with someone to find out if he has similar motives and goals as you do.  And talk about all of this stuff before getting to discussing the kinky stuff.  You need to click on a personal level before you could ever go off and play...

Wrong dom, too soon, way too fast ... go slower with yourself.  give yourself time to figure out what it even is you're wanting.  figure out who you've made enough of a connection with to discover more about one another

ETA:   Ah, yes, the profile ....  I'd take down the hoochie-mama poses and offering all your bits for the world to see.  Be more discreet and classy, since you'd like anyone who approaches you to think he needs to approach in a discreet and classy way and treat you as such. 

< Message edited by mc1234 -- 1/19/2009 8:06:50 PM >

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to plzuseme82)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/19/2009 8:08:59 PM   
MistressLamia


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		Well that's another one who took their profile down. Probably a good thing.

_____________________________

It's not that I don't care about you. I just care about me more.

(in reply to lonlylittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 4:58:10 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		There is a difference between acting like a cheap slut and feeling like a cheap slut. In the immortal words of Riki Lee Jones: "Don't give it away honey, if he don't appreciate it".

(in reply to MistressLamia)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 5:04:21 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		Any horses ass can ride you hard and kick you to the curb, doesn't take any special talent other than self absorption.

(in reply to Amaros)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 5:15:49 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lonlylittlegirl

Everyone always wants to blame the big bad dom. Well you are not a victim here. You could have said no. You could have said stop. You played with someone without talking about it first. Mistake number one. Not a good idea for a newbie. Also as somone suggested, you might want to change your pictures and profile a bit. The kind of men you are going to attract are not going to treat you with respect becuase you do not treat yourself with respect. It sounds alot like you were living your fantasy for the first time, and it didn't go quite the way you wanted it to. Take your time getting to know a play partner before you just jump for a first time. otherwise you are going to get hurt. Many times over.


Good points, however, if I may make an addendum--its kind of hard to say no when one is bound with a cock shoved down their throat-----
 
Submission does not mean all the people warning signals should go out the window.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to lonlylittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 5:23:21 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		To be honest from reading you OP you dont feel that bad you have placed the blame firmly on the Doms sholders. Thats fine but unfortunatly when you do that you cant learn from it.

In general one bad experiance shouldnt taint all others. You learn from the bad and take the good on.

To lonlylittlegirl she said that her limits were discussed before hand just that they didnt talk prior to play. Also limits need to be discussed whether you are new or not.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to plzuseme82)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 5:40:33 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with femmetasia and Cat: You didn't deserve what you got and it's difficult to say 'no' when you're helpless.

I also agree your loathing should be directed against jerks, not yourself. Most of us understand 'use' doesn't mean abuse.

Talk more, listen more, and hang in there. Good luck.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 6:58:12 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I would say you are feeling this way as a survival technique.

Yes, I'd say you made some serious mistakes here in that you didn't talk and negotiate and allowed yourself to be placed in a position where he could do whatever he wanted to you without regard for your limits. That's your part of what happened.

It in no way excuses his behavior. He is in charge of himself and he decided to not negotiate, to move too quickly, and not care much about your limits and it sounds like he also didn't take the time post scene to talk about things or do after care.

So your survival technique is to look for things you can do different so this doesn't happen again -- this makes you feel more in control and thus more able to avoid similar situations in the future. A wise and normal reaction I'd say. But don't let that reaction detract from his responsibility.

At the very least I wouldn't see him again if I were you and next time I'd go much more slowly and set up a safe call and use it. Fantasy is not reality so please next time do take more care of yourself.

I suggest you start by getting emotional help for what happened and then get into a local or nearby community so you can learn and make friends whom you can use for safe calls and whom can give you advice before you play with someone.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 1/20/2009 7:00:13 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to plzuseme82)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 7:08:33 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
~ Fast Reply ~
Many people do not have the self knowledge and understanding to enjoy fantasies turning into reality. It's NOT like the books. It's not even similar to the 'success' stories you read on CM because never are all the details disclosed.

"I want to experience TOTAL surrender!"; may be a great way to draw attention to a profile; however, many have no idea what they are surrendering let alone what 'surrender' means. Will you like it and enjoy it becomes a matter of chance and results in blaming the protagonist. It occurs on both ends of the flogger. 

You can't know how and what you'll feel your first time. You better know yourself. On the other hand, any potential partner of a first time player should be aware of the body 'tells' being exhibited. It is the most important, maybe the only important, consideration when it comes to the 'experience' of a partner.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Why did I feel so bad - 1/20/2009 7:24:40 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm pretty sure this guy just wanted to play out his domination fantasies and really didn't give a flying fuck about what she wanted - I'm not I'd call that "domination" exactly, all she was was a surrogate palm, and all he accomplished was turn her off on the whole thing.

Another lesbian is born, so it goes.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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