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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/22/2009 2:52:03 PM

DavanKael

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LockIt, Bear, and ODschainedangel--Thank you for sharing your stories. I found each of them touching in its own unique way.
BKSir--Great distinction about a person with disabilities having both differing skills as well as limitations.
Evilcaduceus--I identify as a switch and am female, so I am not giving an opinion from the perspective of a male Master.
I have had relationships with individuals with disabilities and/or illnesses that were life-altering. The relationships were certainly about the person overall, though their issues did come into play in the relationships, as do any of the things that we each bring to the table as an individual. I think the pervasiveness of the issue is a big factor, though each person truly is unique and I'd look at the person as just that, a person not simply whatever issues they have. There are circumstances where I think that the disability may be more pervasive than I would, as I entertain this hypothetical, want to deal with: as an example, you mentioned being in a wheelchair. A past boyfriend occasionally used a wheelchair for mobility when his foot/leg was acting up. Not an issue for me, big issue for him as he needed lots of reassurance and distraction from his humiliation over the need and his shame and anger over giving into the pain and the limitations of his injury. If a person was in a wheelchair and had an inury that made it that they could not perform sexually, that would be a pretty huge issue for me. I honestly can't say what I'd do in that sort of a situation though I assure you I'll ponder it more as a result of your starting this thread.
I have substantial issues with my jaw. I have, at points in past relationships, felt 'less than' because of limitations: sometimes that feeling was fostered by things going on in my own skull, other times it was fostered by the other person involved. I have felt gratitude toward those people with whom I have related who acknowledged the issue but did not pity me. Pity angers me; it tracks as a disrespect. Might someone choose not to relate with me because of that limitation. Yes, I suppose that could happen. That would hurt but that would be their choice.
Going to ponder this some more. Thank you for creating the thread and best wishes for finding that which you seek! :>
Davan

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/23/2009 6:41:09 PM

Maya2001

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just use caution and common sense and take your time to get to know the person first....some will think because a sub is disabled/incapacitated in some way that they will be an easy score thinking the sub will be undesirable to others therefore desperate and emotionally needy so ripe to be taken advantage of and used ... there are an amazing amount of snakes out there ...so expect to attract the white knights and the snakes during your search.

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/24/2009 11:17:21 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

just use caution and common sense and take your time to get to know the person first....some will think because a sub is disabled/incapacitated in some way that they will be an easy score thinking the sub will be undesirable to others therefore desperate and emotionally needy so ripe to be taken advantage of and used ... there are an amazing amount of snakes out there ...so expect to attract the white knights and the snakes during your search.

So true... and they don't come wearing a sign! I still get tripped up with them, after years of all this... I have learned... if they don't research your disability or health problems, ask questions about it or simply just state it will be fine, not a problem... run. They are not interested in you and your life challenges enough to steadfastly be at your side through them. The hit and run type... don't care what the long run looks like becasue they don't plan on being there. Pretty words mean nothing... until they make pretty with their actions.

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/24/2009 1:35:00 PM

ODschainedangel

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I agree, if they take time to learn more it is a great sign. My Lord even when we were just friends done much research about people in wheelchairs and many times if I was having troubles with something with the guy I was with back then my Lord who was my friend would even look up stuff and try to help me to help the guy understand more. (thinks) why did it take so long for me to know he really was the one. LOL. Smiles. My Lord even today almost 5 years later is always looking for stuff to help me out.
Angel

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/28/2009 6:22:08 AM

krikket

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I am on the other side of the slash here and have an illness that limits many things. What I find is that many will try to convince me that I am worth less and few would want to be with me... and I should pick them! lol That will happen when hell freezes over! I am ill yes, but I am not hungry, needy and willing to accept just anyone who presents as someone who will accept me... I am worth more than that! Acceptance has nothing to do with love or service or anything other than someone considering you less and them so mighty and wonderful to accept you!

Gee Lockit, if i didn't know better i'd swear we were meeting the same guys..lol.

On a more serious note, great advice, and i really can't add anything more to it.

huggles,
jiminie

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/28/2009 6:41:25 AM

LilacPromise

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Why consentrate on your disability? I am sure if you have a think you will find alot of abilities too.
Just be honest and your natural self ... you will find one of two things people either accept you or not accept you and the ones who don't accept you are not worth worrying about.

Besides, it has been my experience that disabled people have somewhat amazing ways for coping with their given disability

On a last note the greatest disabilities in life are : Ignorance and discrimination

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/28/2009 12:02:52 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I am on the other side of the slash here and have an illness that limits many things. What I find is that many will try to convince me that I am worth less and few would want to be with me... and I should pick them! lol That will happen when hell freezes over! I am ill yes, but I am not hungry, needy and willing to accept just anyone who presents as someone who will accept me... I am worth more than that! Acceptance has nothing to do with love or service or anything other than someone considering you less and them so mighty and wonderful to accept you!

Gee Lockit, if i didn't know better i'd swear we were meeting the same guys..lol.

On a more serious note, great advice, and i really can't add anything more to it.

huggles,
jiminie

LOL... maybe we are! Sometimes I think people need to compare notes around here! hehe

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/28/2009 12:06:38 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilacPromise

Why consentrate on your disability? I am sure if you have a think you will find alot of abilities too.
Just be honest and your natural self ... you will find one of two things people either accept you or not accept you and the ones who don't accept you are not worth worrying about.

Besides, it has been my experience that disabled people have somewhat amazing ways for coping with their given disability

On a last note the greatest disabilities in life are : Ignorance and discrimination

Great post!

We may have an illness or disability.. but we are not that illness or disability! It is an aspect of life and us... but not the whole! Too many get trapped in seeing the problem rather than the life that can be lived around the problem. (I like challenge better) For me and mine... the world may be a bit smaller, but never less!

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/28/2009 12:30:12 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus

This is really a general question, but would you ever be interested in a sub in a wheelchair or a sub with other disabilities? I ask because I have a disability and am into the lifestyle and have heard mixed reviews saying masters are more willing here than the vanilla comm, but I thought I'd ask here as well, please be honest :).

A physical disability would be so little an issue with me I wouldn't even think about it. I am interested in a slave oriented mind, the desire to serve me in whatever capacity she can.

I know, for me, an emotional disability would not be right. Not because of any squick factor I have, but because of my own personality. I am not the most sensitive person in the world. I get impatient and frustrated at my inability to help or fix the problem. That translates badly to the other person. I saw what I put my daughter through, in regards to that, and I won't allow it to happen again.

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/29/2009 10:43:24 PM

KiandPhoenix

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My sub has a few physical issues, and the only thing is that you need to be FULLY aware of the problems so that you can work around them.

Think of the reverse though. I am a dom who has arthritis in my spine, fibromyalgia, torn rotator cuff in my shoulder, legally blind, walk with a cane, PLUS a few dozen smaller problems that just get to annoying to mention. I have had one long term sub who came to me after she knew about my problems. I have had several short term subs (1-4 months) who would still be with me if they had not all decided to give their marriages another try after seeing Phoenix and I together.

It will limit you from the narrow minded who see you as a person with a disability. It will limit you from the people who want something very specific in their subs that you can not do. I am betting that if you have been like this for very long though, you know that there isn't much you can't do.

~Ki

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 1/30/2009 12:34:50 PM

natasha66

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From: NJ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilacPromise

Why consentrate on your disability? I am sure if you have a think you will find alot of abilities too.
Just be honest and your natural self ... you will find one of two things people either accept you or not accept you and the ones who don't accept you are not worth worrying about. Besides, it has been my experience that disabled people have somewhat amazing ways for coping with their given disability

On a last note the greatest disabilities in life are : Ignorance and discrimination

I have a disability, spina bifida. Always have, always will. I don't concentrate on it or feel sorry for myself - that is a complete waste of my time. My Master knew this before i met Him in person and it's never been an issue. Sure it does limit some activities for us, but we work around it and find things that work for our relationship. And i agree with the last sentence. I couldn't be with someone who didn't take the time or energy to understand my disability. Besides, everyone on this planet has SOME limitations....no one is perfect.

< Message edited by natasha66 -- 1/30/2009 12:40:57 PM >

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RE: Sub with a disability? - 2/4/2009 12:26:26 PM

VSM58

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I have played real time with people in wheelchairs and people with disablilities. I am also a paramedic and able to understand medically their needs and sensitivity in certain areas. What they can and cannot feel or sense.

Warm regards,

-- VSM58

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