how do we know who's on the other line?

how do we know who's on the other line? (Full Version)

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nickthefilmguy -> how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 9:25:58 AM)
I have recently had a horrible experience through collarme. i have been a submissive in my mind for many years. Over the past few months i have been looking for a Mistress, to take me under her wing and train me. I have met many Mistress's, most are pro dommes looking for work, or dommes that say they are not pro dommes but actually are. This tribute thing is grey area. I met one Mistress a while ago. we got on really well and things were looking exciting, I then found out this was not a Mistress, but a man pretending to be a Mistress. I know what you are all thinking, that serves me right for finding an on line Domme. After this revelation i have been very cautious with the Mistress's i have been speaking to. Then a few ago i found a great Mistress. very interesting, direct and clear. She interviewed me asking me questions, i found her very informative and deeper than any fake Mistress i had met in the past. In the initial interview i was ordered to put my cam on. to show the Mistress who i was etc. which was fine. After more talking i asked the Mistress if at anytime throughout our online relationship, would i every see her on cam. This lead to a massive outburst from the Mistress. she became increasingly angry, calling me many names and worst of all a FAKE. After much talking things settled down and i was accepted into her stables. I was extremely happy. I still had the nagging feeling in my mind about whether she was real or not. With the cyber world we live in. It is very easy to be someone else. my question is: What is the right thing to do in this situation? i realise i have no right to ask such a question. but we are all people looking and hoping to find what we want. Is there such a big deal in making sure people are who they say they are? So I was accepted in my new mistress's stables, but i knew that my new Mistress did not trust me fully. The seed of doubt was there. I was ordered to write in my profile that i was no owned by her. which i did with pleasure. Then today i went of my profile. i wanted to change my description. Telling people i was now owned but still interested in meeting friends whether sub or dom. i was halfway through with this process when my Mistress had checked my profile, seeing that i have taken her name off my profile. I tried to explain i was in the middle of changing it, but she did not listen. She abused me calling me many names. but worst of all she called me FAKE again. I have no idea why this happened? It has taken a lot of effort to search my soul and become a member on collarme, and for someone who does not know me or is not willing to listen and take on board the situation, makes me extremely sad. With experience i am sure a sub/slave knows things they can and can not say, I realize by asking my Mistress if in the future i might see her on cam for a few seconds, this crossed the line. I did not do this for a game or a quick jerk off, i thought piece of mind and understand was the best thing to form an relationship with someone. i am not a fake and i don't deserve to be called one by anyone who is not prepared to lets things pan out.

Lockit -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 9:36:30 AM)
I think that your hunger to belong to a dominant is an issue here. You cannot rush something like this and not expect to have some bumps along the road. Anyone who abuses you or gets that angry at a question... that isn't rude in say a sexual sense of asking too much... is someone I would be concerned about. To then become a part of her stable... indicates to me that you really wish to be owned and are not thinking about the long term things. While there are those who abuse and are not what they present themselves to be... they mostly get away with that crap because someone is rushing, too hungry and wants to get things going after taking so long to get there in the first place or has gone too long without a connection. Take your time and get to know some people here on the boards. Many of us are here for great lengths of time and are willing to prove who we are. I think most of us understand that you can have some experiences that are not the best and if you spoke of them, would have a different response. Besides doing things in person which is the best... and if you need to test the water so to speak and do so online... you have every right to be assured whether that be a phone call or cam. Some don't care to deal with someone who insist's on seeing them and they are true... but other's will have no problem with proving they are who they are. Pick those who have no problem with it because you now, after your experiences do have a problem with it. Trust goes both ways... good luck!

Angelsmile -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 9:39:20 AM)
I think it is ok to want to see one's Mistress at least from time to time at a time fixed by Her. It seems that you are very confused by this Lady. Personally I would say maybe it is not the right Mistress for you, especially when you dont like to be called all names and fake. Please also note that an online relationship is very difficult to maintain in the long run. And according to my own experience this can only hurt yourself and Your Mistress because as time goes by and Y/you will get to know each other closer the desire will grow but no physical contact will be possible. If you want to avoid to go through hell quit online stuff. In my opinion for a real training especially at the very beginning of entering into the BDSM realm REAL TIME experience is a must. Otherwise you risk to find yourself quickly misleaded into a wrong direction by a person with no real time experience. And it is a shame that online players who have no real time experience ruin true and genuine devotion.

CatdeMedici -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:26:10 AM)
I echo Lockit here ( and I am pleased to see that you had some initial helpful and empathetic responses, I was worried you might get some snarks)--- Don't be so fast to do something that someone else is not willing to do--cam to cam, trade pics, etc. Remember too that you do not have to accept any offer that comes along---do not take ownership lightly--and be wary of the term "stable"--chances are you won't be the only stallion in the barn.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:31:16 AM)
You DO have rights! And a mind. Use them. This so- called Domme could be a guy. Or married. Or a bunch of 14 year olds, getting off on jerking you around. Otherwise why wouldn't she let you see her on cam? She's hiding something, and trying to cover up that fact with childish displays of anger. Why would you want to serve such an angry, emotionally and physically closed-off person? Get some self-esteem.

AAkasha -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:50:42 AM)
Why the rush to be "owned and in the stables" of someone who you have not even verified the gender of? You cannot fast track devotion. It takes time to develop. Why are so many sub men just desperate to be "owned" and able to say "I am Mistress X's property"? That may give you a sense of pride and satisfaction, but does it mean anything if you know her so little that literally the next day she could be gone? I do not webcam for guys nor do I send them private pictures unless I know them so well that I'd plan to meet them. Unfortunately I can't do this because I have a web presence and stalker issues that make me protective. However, I'm happy to talk on the phone before I make a guy go on cam, and am also happy to meet someone in real life relatively quickly in a public place if the chemistry is good. I'm also well known enough that I think most guys who do some research can determine there's no way in hell I am really a man. That would be a 14-year long fascade. And enough kinky people have met me to verify I am who I say I am; so in that sense, I think it's a case by case basis. Someone random from the Internet? Yes, you have a right to have verification that the person is at least female. But even that's hard to know for sure nowadays - plenty of ways to fake it. Having them go on webcam is a reasonable request, in these cases. In the meantime, though, cool your jets and be patient. Being "owned" will not immediately satisfy your needs - you will just find yourself "owned and lonely" instead of just "lonely." Make sure there's some level of mutual affection that is real. Akasha

GoddessTeaze -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:57:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nickthefilmguy In the initial interview i was ordered to put my cam on. to show the Mistress who i was etc. which was fine. After more talking i asked the Mistress if at anytime throughout our online relationship, would i every see her on cam. This lead to a massive outburst from the Mistress. she became increasingly angry, calling me many names and worst of all a FAKE. After much talking things settled down and i was accepted into her stables.[&:]I was extremely happy.[sm=ballchain.gif] I still had the nagging feeling in my mind about whether she was real or not. [sm=angry.gif] So you get cursed at for asking a normal question, then you happily join his oops.. her stable? whats his ehm her problem? Every one can put a pic online.. saying Im Pamela Anderson. Trust your instinct. When there is so outburst over nothing, and they call you a fake? They are themselves a fake. Lesson learned? I wish you enough. [:D] GoddezzT`

nickthefilmguy -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 11:57:36 AM)
Thank you for your advice and experience. looking back at what i have written it does show my desperation. which i have to say i am none to proud of. Of course face to face is the only way to really understand things, i am sure i will cross that frontier in the future. for now i am trying to engage with someone to learn more, to gain confidence. It seems clear to me that i was right to confront her, therefore bringing the fact she might be hiding something. It is very easy for a so called Mistress to hide behind that authority cloak. I know i have to take it easy, i was so desperate to be owned, to understand what it is like to be a sub/slave, i'm sure there are many of young fella's out there doing exactly the same thing. I will take your advice and slow things down. As soon as you want something Patience flies out of the window! Thank you

BondageBarbieX -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 6:19:28 PM)
There is a Mistress on MDS that this sounds an awful lot like..won't go on cam...the name in profile thing...If it is her she is a known fake and walk away fast.Anybody that refuses to go on cam I question right away anyway..good luck with your search.

Calandra -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 6:26:01 PM)
I absolutely hate being on cam. I am happy to snap digital pics of Myself and My surroundings to prove that I am who I say I am... I also willingly give out My phone number to someone once we're actually in the "getting to know you" stage... but I have no interest in being on cam (or seeing someone else on one either). Doesn't mean a person is fake, it simply means that they should do something else to prove they are being honest. Of course if a person has only professional pics, especially only one, I am instantly suspicious.

littlesarbonn -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 7:28:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Calandra I absolutely hate being on cam. I am happy to snap digital pics of Myself and My surroundings to prove that I am who I say I am... I also willingly give out My phone number to someone once we're actually in the "getting to know you" stage... but I have no interest in being on cam (or seeing someone else on one either). Doesn't mean a person is fake, it simply means that they should do something else to prove they are being honest. Of course if a person has only professional pics, especially only one, I am instantly suspicious. Yeah, I'm in agreement here. I wouldn't go on cam. Sorry, but I'm not really an online kind of person. I wouldn't demand a woman go on cam anymore than I would feel comfortable going on cam myself. Would I meet for coffee? Of course. You can't prove yourself more than meeting someone in person. If someone isn't willing to meet in a vanilla setting, then I immediately suspect there's something wrong, which could mean she's really a guy, she's married, or she's in prison. Anyone of those would put a real hinder on whether or not I'd ever pursue that relationship.

EvilKitty -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 7:40:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Calandra I absolutely hate being on cam. I am happy to snap digital pics of Myself and My surroundings to prove that I am who I say I am... I also willingly give out My phone number to someone once we're actually in the "getting to know you" stage... but I have no interest in being on cam (or seeing someone else on one either). Doesn't mean a person is fake, it simply means that they should do something else to prove they are being honest. Of course if a person has only professional pics, especially only one, I am instantly suspicious. I'm with Calandra on this one, have never taken a good photo on a cam & might never take one I'd be willing to let anyone see! But my profile has photos of ME, my face, my age, my body. Anyone who contacts me should know upfront just WHO they're dealing with. I comprehend those who prefer to chat a bit before showing their face to a stranger, discretion can be very needful to some. But even if a sub has his picture on his profile, I would ask for an updated shot if I had any doubts. Certainly, being asked to verify my reality wouldn't cause me anger!

littlesarbonn -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 7:43:57 PM)
By the way, I know you jumped right over Akasha's post and responded to the one after her post, but I have to say that her post was extremely dead on. It would do you a great service to take her words to heart because what she said is so reflective of what a lot of submissives need to understand. Being owned means nothing if you're not in the right relationship. Find the relationship first, and then see where it leads. If it leads to ownership, great, but don't seek out ownership and then try to then find the comfortability of the relationship after. I've been down that road so many times, and it never ends well. There's an immediate satisfaction of feeling, "wow, I'm finally owned" and then it wears off immediately when you start to suspect that the idea of "ownership" was not what you were hoping it would be. You really don't want to be in a situation where you're (in Akasha's words) owned and lonely just because you're finally owned. Because happiness never comes mainly because you have no further options of finding that happiness. I remember once being pursued and owned by someone who just wanted to own someone and didn't really care about me. I had so many better alternatives that were already in pursuit of me that I lost completely because I had jumped into the first relationship that came my way. Some really GREAT alternatives. You never get those again. Let things run their course. Speed should never be your focus.

rob425 -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 8:29:15 PM)
Well the way that I go about it is I don't do anything more than PG rated on cam unless I have verified the person. This cuts down drastically on those that want internet play with just me on cam and them hiding behind their keyboard, but honestly online play is the biggest waste of time and something I have a hard time getting into. I use to be very into it when I was younger but now I want some more real. I agree fully with AAkasha that there seems to be this rush to say you are owned by a person. I had a long relationship with a dominant online who called me so I knew she was a female but the fact that after 3 years it never went to real life sucked so I tighten my search and stepped back. From the lifestyle as just looking for friends, which has gone much better than searching for a online domme I think your best bet is to tell the person, "Hey the last dominant I spoke with led me on for X long pretending to be a female but was actually a male. I am sorry but I don't do anything PG+ rated on cam until you verify that you are a female either by talking on a computer mic, taking a picture holding my screen name, or getting on cam yourself" I know it sounds harsh but with that someone serious about the lifestyle will do it if they are serious mood to talk to you. Like Moms and Dads tell their daughters leave something to the imagination and don't give it up without getting something first[:D]

FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:06:31 PM)
Why are you doing online relationships? Submission is not an online endeavor... You can play with yourself upon the direction of another, but how is that going to help you have a real life relationship with a real dominant woman? I know that some people do this for fun, but I swear, it's something I don't get. There is very little ethical submitting to me online. Why not go into your local community and meet people who are into this, watch, listen, look for a mentor, be open and helpful, and you will likely find someone for whatever it is you wish. P.S. As for the voice verification, it's entirely possible you were still chatting with a man, if you didn't speak regularly on the phone, and he/she had a cam, and after asking you to turn yours on, refused to turn hers on. Naturally, I'm online, and meet online people, but I've never had a cam, and the only time I accept cam view is if I'm interested in someone, and they haven't pictures of selves, or offer to show me selves on cam. M And for godssakes, stop saying you're owned by a person you've never met. It's such a silly thing that usually changes 99% to "oh, I thought... but it didn't work out."

Usako -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/21/2009 10:39:42 PM)
Honestly, I think a big issue is looking for on line. In my opinion it's a waste of time. Not only are you doing on line, you're rushing it. Rushing to be owned by "women" you don't even know. BUT if you can only do on line or for some reason like it then you need to put your foot down and also, perhaps kill some of the fantasy. Just because you're submissive doesn't mean you should roll over and do anything any dominant woman says. Until you've made a commitment you're a free soul. You have every fucking right to ask for a picture or to cam in return. These women have to prove their real just as much as you do, just because you're submissive doesn't mean you sit there and take shit from anyone. You crossed no line wanting proof. I, however, wouldn't go on cam nor would I ask the guy to do so. I'm not looking on line, I'm looking to meet. I have pics up, they can see me. Then there is chat, phone call and then meet. I share my cam only with close friends.

khem -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/22/2009 7:40:52 AM)
I personally hate talking on the phone. I also dislike feeling like I'm wanker material on a cam. Unless I'm interested in someone, I won't bother with either. I will, however, gladly meet them in person, in public. You can't tell shit until you're face to face. I've ALWAYS had a different impression of someone online than in RL. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Meet them, meet them, meet them! It's not for sure until you meet them! /rant

SolangeRichards -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/22/2009 8:19:17 AM)
Here's a tip for your online adventures nickthefilmguy. Trust your instincts! If you feel something is wrong, you are right. If you think you have a problem, you do. If you wonder about her gender, she is a man. If someone you have never met or talked on the phone with is causing you any sort of distress online it will be worse in person.

thetammyjo -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/22/2009 9:52:17 AM)
I think you were well within your rights to ask to speak directly to or to see someone you meet online especially when they have asked you and you have complied. However, this best done before you do anything like call someone "Mistress". In other words, in the pre-negotiation stages after you think you have enough in common. I'm gonna be an old stick in the mud though and say that all the online stuff in the world will not do dink to prepare you for meatlife interactions. You need to get some courage and start attending munches and workshops in your local or nearby community. Your worst fears are very unlikely to come true if you exercise common sense.

gumshoe -> RE: how do we know who's on the other line? (1/23/2009 4:13:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I think that your hunger to belong to a dominant is an issue here. You cannot rush something like this and not expect to have some bumps along the road. True. Generally speaking, the danger of wanting something too badly is that your good judgement can go to hell in a hand cart. Not recommended. EDITED TO ADD: Bad judgement = bad outcomes.

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