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Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way (1/22/2009 4:45:51 AM)
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I've only read the first page of replies before responding. So, if I'm being redundant, please just skip my post.
When a person without a face/upper body picture contacts me and asks me if we can discuss potential, I tell them right then and there, "We can, after you provide me with a face picture/upper body picture, while I do not require a Brad Pitt clone, I DO require any person I consider to not repulse me in the manner that The Humpback of Notre Dame does".
If they then send their photo (which quite a few do, as they probably have standards of their own and understand other people do also), and then ask me flat out if I am or am not attracted to them, I will tell them, honestly, whether or not I am.
Personally, I think, if someone has the stones to ask "Why are you not interested/attracted to me?" Then they should also have the stones to hear the honest answer, whatever that answer may be.
There is another expression, "If you do NOT want the answer, do NOT ask the question." I do not feel guilty for being honest...ever. I will do my best to be polite about it, and not say something like, "because you look like a troll that got ran over by the ugly truck". But, I have no problem saying, because I am not physically attracted to you, I'm sure someone else will be, I wish you well with your continued search".
So while many people say that you should give another reason other than appearances as your reason for turning someone down, I would have to disagree. Most people tout honesty as an important trait. How can it be important if one cannot handle an honest answer? While it may sting a bit, at least you know you were not lied to. I personally would rather hear someone tell me the reason they rejected me was because I was too heavy, my hair was too curly, or my smile was a bit too crooked than hear them say, "it's not you, it's me". This way, I know they rejected me based upon some silly superficial thing rather than something they are not willing to share thereby not allowing me an opportunity to improve myself. Since that is what I would prefer, I have absolutely NO guilt in providing the same for others.
You however need to do what is comfortable for you. If you prefer to be honest and base it on appearances (or any other criteria) be certain to let them know that while you may not be attracted to them, that it does not mean the entire universe will feel the same way...give them a way to feel a bit positive about themselves and allow them to feel a bit disgruntled with your superficiality/methodology...it's ok. If they start harrassing you (beyond a typical, "well you're just shallow" reply, use the features provided by CM (block, delete). Most, if told up front of your standards, will not bother to harrass you when you reject them - at least in my experience.
I hope you find a way that works for you so you do not have to feel 'guilty'.
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