Top Tips

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FourQ -> Top Tips (1/22/2009 5:52:45 AM)
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet. - Peter , Grimsby RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. - Reginald Dick , Billingham DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thus saving on fuel. - Trev , Penrith CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution. - C.Evans , Oxford KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c. - Mr J. Obsworth PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful. - Mrs Willoughby , Hertford MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone. - Julian , Milton Keynes MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe. - Sid , Walthamstow HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is and will be worth more. - A.Spiv , Lambeth OIL companies. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts. - Brian Shell , London NW1 ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth. - Roddy , Tadcaster SHOE shop staff. If I ask for a size 9, and all you have left are a size 7 or 12, then for future reference, I would rather not 'give them a try.' Call it intuition or whatever, I just don't think they'd fit. - P.Doff , Hull MUMS. After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practise joined-up writing. - Christopher Fotheringshawe , West Drayton BONO. Take the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity. - Barny , Sheffield HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you. - Frank Kettle , Gt. Yarmouth MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call. - Scottie , Doncaster NEWSREADERS. Save time in broadcasts by simply not reporting when Pete Doherty has been arrested on a drugs charge. - H.Edwards , Cardiff NIGHT SHIFT WORKERS. A 'guide bat' tethered to your finger with a short piece of string is the perfect way to avoid trees and horses in the dark. - Mr Drake , Luton IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200 degrees c. - Daz , Wigan BLOKES. Don't question your wife's cooking on a regular basis. - Keith , Park View Hotel , Filey

BlackPhx -> RE: Top Tips (1/22/2009 6:07:59 AM)
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] poenkitten

FourQ -> RE: Top Tips (1/22/2009 6:34:46 AM)
MAKE your car much easier to find in a large car park by letting down all the tyres.On your return simply look for the lowest car and then pump them up again. - P.Retard , Slough WHEN parking in large car parks always carry a spare battery in the boot of your car in case the other one has gone flat by the time you eventually find your car. - P.Retard , Slough THE WIRE top off a champagne bottle makes an ideal walking frame for elderly mice. - Prof. Roger Davy , Aldermaston AN IDEAL , yet inexpensive Christmas gift for a smoker is a novelty cigarette lighter made from an ordinary house brick , with a match tied onto it with a piece of string. - Baz , Woking A SMALL hole cut out of a window will allow your budgie to come and go from your house as it pleases. - Edna , Goole SAVE constant wear and tear on your door hinges by only opening your doors a little bit and then squeezing through the gap. - M. Iser, Gateshead MAKE firelighters by steeping white nougat overnight in your petrol tank. - Colin Cream , Huddersfield A CONDOM makes an ideal bin bag for hamsters. - Gemma , Stoke TURN your greenhouse into a garden shed by boarding up the windows with spare floorboards. - A. Titchmarsh , London NW1 ATTACH a tag bearing your name and address to your house keys.If they are lost , whoever finds them can then return them to you.On the back of the tag , list the times when your house is empty , so they'll be sure to catch you in when they call. - Anon. , Moss Side I IMAGINE using thinner lengths of wire connecting appliances to the mains will probably reduce the amount of electricity they use. - S.Hawking , Cambridge GIVE your bird box that 'thatched cottage' look by fixing two Shredded Wheat to the roof. - A. Titchmarsh , London NW1 AVOID backache from bending to pick your tomato plants.Simply dig a trench four feet deep alongside your plants.Step into the trench and you'll find your tomatoes are conveniently at chest height. - John Tagliarini , Sicily THE trench should be one foot deep if you are a dwarf and six foot deep if you are a giant. - John Tagliarini , Sicily PRETEND you don't live in Saffron Walden by walking around Saffron Walden with an A to Z guide of Saffron Walden. - Sid , Saffron Walden SAVE time when making a cup of tea by pre-heating water in a saucepan before putting it in the kettle. - D.Smith , Norwich WHEN reaching down to pick up dropped cutlery beneath the dining table , I always wear my husband's motorcycle crash helmet as I invariably bump my head on the table whilst getting up again. - Susan Craven (Mrs.) , York A BANANA skin makes an ideal sun hat for a star fish. - J. Cousteau , New Cross

FourQ -> RE: Top Tips (1/22/2009 6:49:59 AM)
READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may , after filling them, wish to leave the problem bottles in the sink or bath and so reduce the risk of damp bedclothes. - Mr. Ivor Llewellyn , Llaneli KEEP a roll of sellotape handy in the bathroom to stick back any unused pieces of toilet tissue which you pull off the roll by mistake. - Paul Scott , MD Sellotape UK Ltd , Bedford DON'T waste money on expensive firelighters.Use potato peelings instead.If they don't ignite at first , leave them in an airing cupboard for a few days. - Trish Willoughby , Hants. AVOID wasting hot water by emptying the bath into a series of Thermos flasks and storing until it is required again. - Percy Stott , Roehampton AS ADVERTS on the the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. - Degsy , Stourbridge WRAP lightbulbs in sellotape to prevent them from shattering in the event that they should fall out of their bayonet fittings for any reason.- Paul Scott , MD Sellotape UK Ltd , Bedford EVERY day , make a list of everything you do , and hand it in at your local police station.That way you can be eliminated from their enquiries in the event of a crime. - Anon. , Moss Side CYCLISTS. Always carry a tin bath and five gallons of water in plastic containers with you.In the event of a flat tyre , this will enable you to locate any punctures you have. - Herbie , Nottingham CITY GENTS. Simulate the thrills of ski-jumping by leaning forward and placing your umberalla under your arm next time you go down an escalator. - Quentin , South Kensington STRAP egg cartons to your knees and elbows this winter to prevent injury should you slip on icy pavements. - Magnus , Reykyavik DON'T waste money on over-priced toilet fresheners.Simply sellotape pleasant smelling herbal tea bags over the rim of your lavatory , and every time you flush , hey presto! Your toilet will smell nice and will be an ideal tea dispenser. - Paul Scott , MD Sellotape UK Ltd , Bedford CUT problem pages out of newspapers and magazines before you throw them away , and send them to the Samaritans.They will then be able to help if they are asked about similar problems themselves. - P. Peters , Peterhead TREAT yourself on birthdays or other special occasions by carrying your favourite comfortable chair around with you.When you get tired , you can sit down in it and give yourself a well earned rest. - Gary Bennett , Oxford MAKE your car look like a taxi (from a considerable distance) by Sellotaping a Cornflake packet to the roof. - Paul Scott , MD Sellotape UK Ltd , Bedford DON'T risk drowning next time you travel by boat.Simply wear a pair of bicycle clips and fill your trousers with ping-pong balls. - R.Maxwell , address withheld IMAGINE your in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running , occasionally honking your horn , and never actually going anywhere - P. Doff , Blyth PARKING problems? Tie a balloon to the front bumper of you car , and sellotape a drawing pin to the rear wall of your garage.When you hear the balloon burst , apply the brakes. - Paul Scott , MD Sellotape UK Ltd , Bedford

FourQ -> RE: Top Tips (1/22/2009 7:30:44 AM)
VOLVO drivers. Confuse distant oncoming drivers by removing the bulbs from your sidelights. - Sven , Manchester STUCK for plates on your picnic? Simply remove your car wheel trims and voila! Ideal for sausage rolls and chicken breasts. - D.Smith , Norwich HOLIDAYMAKERS.When catching a ferry or Euroshuttle train, jack your cars wheels up off the ground, put your car in gear and continue to 'drive' at exactly the same speed the boat or train is travelling. This will ensure your mileometer shows the true distance your car has travelled during the entire journey. - Mr. R. Head , Winchester DON'T write your PIN number on the back of your cash card because you won't be able to read it once you've put it in the machine. - P.C. Deveraux , Moss Side LEAVE your sidelights on all day to make distant oncoming drivers think you might be driving a Volvo. - Sven , Manchester CONFUSE shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. - Taff , Merthyr Tydfil RAM RAIDERS. Make sure you use someone else's 4x4 when smashing into shop fronts.On a recent raid I netted goods worth over £8,000. But the damage to my 4x4 came to £10,200. - Frankie , Liverpool MAKE your own glitter next Christmas by wrapping grains of sugar in aluminium foil. - Rosemary Tunnel , Jarrow THE TOP from a 'Bic' ballpoint pen makes an ideal Norman Helmet for a worm. - Dr. Hugo Harwood , University of Plymouth BY JOGGING to a restaurant behind a taxi , my wife and I were able to save £7.80 in taxi fares last Saturday night. - Malcolm Townend , Biddlecombe METAL WASHERS make delicious polo mints for sweet-toothed robots. - M.Mickey , Surbiton POPPING two 'Alka Seltzer' tablets into a newly opened can of beer has exactly the same effect as a 'widget', and has the added advantage of preventing hangovers. - Keith , Hull BY JOGGING to work behind the bus , I am able to save £2.20 a day in bus fares. - Malcolm Townend , Biddlecombe CONJOINED TWINS. A padded 'Ultrabra' makes a handy cycling helmet. - Muriel and Lucy , Isle of Skye MURDERERS. Avoid capital punishment by committing your crimes in provincial cities such as Southampton. - P.Sutcliffe , Pentonville A RED balloon full of petrol, tied to the end of a broom shank would make a perfect fairy tale giant's match. - H.C. Anderson , Copenhagen BLUES BROTHERS. Take off your hats and hey presto! Reservoir Dogs - Damien Finlay , Keighley SAVE money on mouthwash by spitting it back into the bottle.Replace the entire bottle once it becomes chewy. - Mick , Wandsworth ATTEMPT your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of your CD player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on. - Jarvis , Sheffield EXPERIENCE the luxury of staying in a top hotel by keeping your fridge in the bedroom , filling it with chocolate,peanuts and drinks, and then burning a twenty pound note every time you eat or drink anything. - P.Doff , Blyth COAL MEN.Save having to wash your clothes by taking a night time job delivering sacks of flour. - Mrs J. Tapioca , Wivenhoe ON TRAINS , the plastic triangular packs in which sandwiches are sold make ideal elbow guards to protect your sleeves from getting wet when your coffee or tea gets spilled all over the table. - Stanley Cream , Rotherham AN OLD first world war army helmet , painted green and placed on a roller skate , makes an ideal playmate for a lonely pet tortoise. - Brian , Oswestry AVOID being murdered,raped,held hostage in a siege,poisoned,stabbed to death,blown up by religious extremists,falling victim to a fatal mystery virus,embroiled in a drug war,burgled,falsely imprisoned,blackmailed and probably murdered again by simply not moving to one of the seven houses in Albert Square , Walford - P.Mitchell , London W12 FROZEN sprouts make ideal prosthetic legs for disabled tortoises. - Brian , Oswestry

VeryNastyDom -> RE: Top Tips (1/22/2009 1:41:12 PM)
Those are very helpful, thank you for sharing.

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