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Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/9/2006 9:52:25 AM   
ThatSyn


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		I've been curious about D/s since I was about 20. Mainly, I think, from a psychological viewpoint - what makes a dominant tick? what makes a submissive tick? Now I am starting to think I have a significant dominant aspect of my personality and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.

On Saturday night I realised, mid-coital, that I've not been really satisfied with vanilla. That moment almost brought me to tears, and I am not one that cries easily. Right now I don't understand what is going on. I've always been a solid person. Honest, dependable, hard working, fair minded, conservative, secure in my beliefs and opinions. Yet the thought of actually being dominant terrifies me at the moment. Of course it excites, but much in the same way that some newly realised homosexuals must (I assume, perhaps wrongly) feel when they realise their sexual preference I feel overwhelmed with the new path I feel compelled to walk down. It's like walking down a path blindfolded.

Right now I am looking for advice. Not on how to find or train a sub (assuming there even is a recognised standard approach), but just on how to deal with this. I love the person I'm with but I don't know if I can be in a vanilla relationship and keep all this supressed. Not on how to change things - I'm nowhere near ready to make such a decision much less a start - but just on how to come to terms with what is going on in my head.

I'm sure many of you have always felt dominant and that the lifestyle you lead came as naturally as a duck to water, but surely there must be someone here that has felt the same? Right now, I'm feeling just as isolated and confused as I imagine many of those that struggle with gender identity and sexuality do.

Any experiences, advice you can give, anything at all, would be greatly appriciated by me.

Cheers lads.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/9/2006 10:02:35 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		One thing, what made you realize in the middle of sex? You obviously had exposure to kink or Ds previously to have had this realization? What's your background?

As far as where to go from here- there's lots of threads on coming out to your partner, slowly, quickly, however will work best from you. But it's an absolute certainty that it won't work if you don't come out to her in some way and allow her to make the right choice for herself as well.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ThatSyn)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/9/2006 10:18:40 AM   
ThatSyn


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

One thing, what made you realize in the middle of sex? You obviously had exposure to kink or Ds previously to have had this realization? What's your background?


I'm a stockbroker but before that I was an article clerk at a law firm during university and worked on a rape case - the alleged sub claimed rape, he claimed consent. Lots of psychologists reports on both sides, which got me curious. It was the power exchange that drew me in, the trust. My current partner has always said that she wants me to take control in bed, but I hit that realisation looking into her eyes, bodies entwined, that it wasn't submission to me - not that I am sure I could deal with that right then and there - but because she didn't like speaking about sex or instigating it, that she somehow felt ashamed. Actually trusting but reserved I could take and both of us could work through any hangups we have, but I couldn't deal with that lack of trust. And I knew right then I need that trust, that relenquishment of control, safe in the knowledge I wouldn't let her get hurt.

I don't know how far my kink goes. I think its more the psychological desire for control and to take care of and protect her than any fixation on a particular scene or act. Hell, maybe I'm not a classical dom at all, I don't know.

quote:

As far as where to go from here- there's lots of threads on coming out to your partner, slowly, quickly, however will work best from you. But it's an absolute certainty that it won't work if you don't come out to her in some way and allow her to make the right choice for herself as well.


I'll have to go through the archives then. I think I'll have to take my time though, cause I could well bollocks everything up both in terms of my relationship and my own mental health. Cheers for the reply.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/9/2006 10:29:00 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		I'm not a mistress or master, but I understand what you are saying because of dominant friends who confided the same uncertainty you are expressing.

The main thing I would like to say is that it is just fine. You are fine and lovable and someone someday will be sooo happy you were able to seize your passions and live life fully. What you are saying is very strong. brave to admit, and beyond a first step.

So, please, hang out at these boards. maybe make friends? :)

Good luck and please try and relax!

(in reply to ThatSyn)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/9/2006 3:43:59 PM   
MasterLark


Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		Your search begins within your self, not with a sub, though you can learn much from a sub. What do you long for? What are your fantasies? What do you wish you could do without reservation? Write those things down. Then let's talk more how you move forward.

You are fine; beginnings are both scary and thrilling. Don't miss the thrill part as you proceed. And keep safety in mind.

(in reply to ThatSyn)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/14/2006 9:29:48 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		when i learn that i was a dominant women and person your so right it scare me silly but i was thrill the first thing i did was learn all i could and must for me was learn who i was and when i thought back i learn i had always had this feeling but did not know where they came from or why so i took my time and learn slowly what type of dominant person i was what did i want who did not want but yes it took time now i am at a place where i am comfortable and free to be me good luck and do not be scare your lucky to have this group to speak to i did not know where to go before

mon

(in reply to MasterLark)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 1/14/2006 10:48:37 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I understand how you feel. I was the same way, when I first learned of this lifestyle.
Read everything you can, and keep coming to the forums, and talking to others. (both subs and doms can have marvelous insights to offer)

Good luck in your journey!

Christina

(in reply to mons)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/2/2006 7:02:20 AM   
Dracironsgirl


Posts: 175
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline 		great question thank you for your post ...well i am a slave but i always lived Dominant in vanilla life due to fact that i had no other choice given the people i'd meet til coming here when i finally was freed of my Dom persona and able to first time be the dlave i always yearned to be yet never got the chance ..now it is a bitr difficult making the transition for first time ever from Dom to slave in ways like control and power TPE ..it is a slow process for me and sometimes filled with painful mistakes as i stumble thru mistakes finding my way here ...Master is very patient which has saved me more than a few times or i'd certainly have been dismissed way before now had He not been this forgiving ....i am learning as i go and this is all new to me, i love it and know it's me but the transition has been quite tough at times almost hard to handle when i start pulling back again then i'm reminded to just let it all go now and learn my slave role in me.
~kristin

_____________________________

~love a Man in control~

(in reply to ThatSyn)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/2/2006 10:05:10 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		there is a big difference between being Dominant and being Kinky..... The two very often Co-exists... but they are not the same.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to ThatSyn)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/2/2006 11:05:53 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		The first step is learning who you are. This realisation only just hit you. You need time to absorb it, understand it, accept it if it is truly part of you and finaly be comfortable with it.

Then you will probably be ready to actualy look at doing anything about it. You may have some hard decisions to make along the way, but that comes with the territory I'm afraid.

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
Read everything you can, and keep coming to the forums, and talking to others. (both subs and doms can have marvelous insights to offer)


Absolutely. I haven't been here long but I've learned things already from subs, switches, Dommes, other Doms....

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
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RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/3/2006 2:11:32 AM   
Draciron


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline
Whether the realization was accute or if it was a slowly gathered and assimilated does not change the irony many new Dom's face. Being Dom means being in control, being the leader. If one is such then how does one learn as they are expected to already know all this. Many new Dom's just fake it as they go on privately learning from mistakes and eventually teaching themselves. A scholarly Dom might learn all the techniques but if there is no passion behind it and no understanding of the sub(s) before you and how to mold them without practical experience. A subbie in submitting to a Dom places themselves in danger to at least some degree, whether it be physical or emotional. Errors can often mean a price paid by the sub. So subs really do not want to be a Dom's learning experience. The Dom can learn and quickly move on. It is the sub who pays the price for such experiments.

This is where the guy is at. He knows he is Dom. How Dom he is cannot be answered until he actually tries. While a journey of self knowledge can rarely harm one, all journeys can be journey's of self knowledge even if the destination and starting point have nothing to do with introspection.

BDSM means different things to different people. Even when it means the same things the application of the principles include a good bit of variation. Experimentation will help you sort out what is right and a Nilla partner I think is actually a good place to start. It allows you to explore a taste of various directions without commiting yourself to complexities or expecations. The unsuspecting Nilla partner get's exposed to something new. So blindfolds, handcuffs, mild role playing, spanking and many other BDSM activities can be tried on an unsuspecting Nilla. So can aspects such liited Power Exchange. This is best done by doing a little role playing. Invent something that places your partner in a helpless situation and reinforce it with props such as restraints or confinement. Be aware of known phobias and hang ups. For example claustophobia and confinement do not work well together. Worst thing that can happen is they do not like it and stop mid scene. Not liking it does not mean the activity itself was the problem. It may well have been the presentation or the technique.

You are almost certain to find areas of BDSM that while being mild forms of what you really want to do can be practiced with a Nilla and enjoyed by them.

This will also be an exercise in learning how to read your partner. A crucial aspect of most forms of BDSM. Safe words are great but usually by the time you get to a safe word a session can be ruined or worse. In many BDSM kinks safewords are impossible or difficult to use and there's always the stubborn subbie who will not use a safeword even to save thier life.

I know this might sound exploitive. It's not really. You are at the crux of a crossroad in your life. You have two objectives in this. Could your partner actually be a sub? You might be surprised to find out that you instinctively matched up with a sub. Many subies are very domient in every day life but very submissive for play or all the time for the right partner. Second to pursue BDSM you have to learn your skills, interests and you are not going to learn them alone. You profess love so parting with your current partner will not be easy at best. So even limited BDSM allows you to prolong the relationship if you discover that being submissive is impossible for your partner as well as giving you opportunity for experience. If it turns out your partner isn't into BDSM then your experiments will build a natural distance between you that will eventually split you up. Ending relationships are rarely easy. Who wants to hurt someone they love? Well except for BDSMers but even we do not like to hurt our subs in that way. Eventually you can openly broach the subject. In the mean time you can leave subtle hints around, and attempt to get your partner intersted in the lifestyle.

An alterntive that might work but rarely does is allowing play sex outside of the relationship. There are several key flaws but out of every thousand who try this it actually works for one or two.

A simple fact is that subbies want and need an experienced Dom. You can read till your eyes fall out but nothing will substitute for experience. It is good to read up on technique and safety. Many good ideas can come from reading others and erotic writing, but always apply common sense to anything you read/hear/see.
My first long term sub I converted from Nilla to being a sub. I did this because I had no way to contact a BDSM group, this was before the Internet was really around and lived in a remote conservitive area at the time. It was the right choice for more reasons than that. It gave me opportunity to experiment, learn and to mold a slave exactly the way I wanted her. No preconceptions. No baggage of the BDSM kind. Before that I had engaged in kinky play many times progressing to from simple kinky Nilla sex to actual light BDSM to actual BDSM. I went through a couple Nillas who never really took to BDSM before I found one that floursihed in BDSM. After several years of BDSM with her I was a very experienced Dom. Not that you ever stop learning about how to be a better Dom if you are any good at it. Still even the ones who did not take to BDSM. I learned from attempts to introduce them to BDSM and the BDSM play that these ladies enjoyed.

In my opinion BDSM is not something you can ignore. It is also an irrevocable step. After BDSM Nilla sex is an exercise in frustration. Nilla relationships seem lackluster and pointless. You have apparently crossed that threshold without even firsthand experience. You spoke convingly that you are a Dom. So your path will be down that road. I don't think you'll ever be happy in a Nilla relationship now. Not if you are truely a Dom.

So again, you have a partner. Learn the basics. Try baby steps with your partner. One of the hardest things for many men to get over with BDSM is to overcome chilvary. In reality BDSM does not conflict with Chivalry. I would never strike a woman with a closed fist. I also do not strike in anger. I personally will not slap a woman either. I will hold a door open. for my slave. That does not make me less of a Master in any way. Another problem some men seem to have initially getting into BDSM is they have put a woman up on a pedistal. This particuler woman is too pretty, too pure to enjoy BDSM. That is pure bs. She might just like it. The ONLY way to find out is to try. There is no given personality trait, physical feature or even background which rules out BDSM. People of all walks, races, social standing, social groups and every other imagionable division of life enjoy BDSM. Nobody is too pure for it. I know not of a single religion in which the practice of BDSM is actually a sin. At least the BDSM portion of it. Being unmarried or being married but practicing with a lady other than your wife for example might be sins :) No woman is too pretty to get into BDSM. No woman is too delicate. Whether BDSM is right for somebody is purely in who they are and in the mindset of the person.


(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/3/2006 9:41:44 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I am by nature introspective, and i came to the realisation that i was dominant while in a vanilla marriage, which has since disolved. There was no aspect of BDSM in the marriage and only a bit of kink.

I did what most do in that situation, I fantasised, surfed porn, and soldiered on. What i did that may be different is that when reading erotica & adult stories, or perusing BDSM pictures, I analysed what i was feeling, what about the story or picture aroused me, and on what level. And equally important, what it was that did NOT arouse me about any given story/picture, and why.

From this i managed to develop a pretty clear picture of what it is that attracts me about being dominant, what it is i want or need from a D/s relationship. I then went on to doing a lot, and I mean a whole hell of a lot, of deep serious thinking about the dynamics of a D/s relationship, and what I would expect from myself and my sub. What were the underlying motivations and so on. I won't claim that I then was prepared to embark on my journey of exploration with all the answers mapped out, and a clear course ahead of me, but what I did have was a very good idea of where i stood on the various issues and practices, and also what I expected my responsibilities would be.

Since my sub and i have been together, much of what I had concluded has been disproved or been heavily modified, but it was still a very useful excercise, as I came into the lifestyle with a pretty feet-on-the-ground point of view as to what i truelly expected, and what i actually wanted as opposed to fantasised about. Yes, a total slave-girl under my complete control 24/7 is a great fantasy of mine, but one that I doubt I could actually live with, as I enjoy the fire in a woman too much to quench it, I enjoy her fight and spirit too much too want that extinguished. And to my dominant nature, the willing submission of an otherwise free and, more importantly, free-spirited woman is far more intoxicating.

So my advise to you is just that...look within yourself for your answers, learn what it is in you that is called to being a dominant.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to Draciron)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Coping with realising a dominant side to yourself - 2/3/2006 9:58:56 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Spank your ass...kinky
Spank someone elses ass...Dominant
Dayum, we read too much shiat on the internet these days!
Trust your instincts!

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 13
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