Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom?

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Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:10:00 PM

WiseCracknSadist

Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything.

In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly.

What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

Post #: 1

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:11:15 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

A dominant earns my respect and, a few, my submission, through their control and civility, among other attributes.

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:15:14 PM

DrSysAdmin

Posts: 37
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

Acting like an ass only makes the person acting in such a way - actually be one. There is nothing Dominant in that. There are times strictness is required, but to demand without a foundation of respect is immature.

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:26:13 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything.

In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly.

What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

My opinion is that a Dominant can be commanding and do so in a civil manner. As you stated, I also feel that just because there is a question mark in something I've asked for "would you please get me a cup of coffee", it doesn't make it any less of a command then "get me a cup of coffee now". Just because the first statement has courtesy attached to it doesn't make it any less of a command...with the properly understood dynamic between a couple...than the second statement. Differing delivery is all.

Are there times I don't ask? Plenty. Technically, "please get me a cup of coffee" is not asking, it is telling someone to do something with a term of courtesy thrown in front of it.

Are there times I veer away from the courtesy? Sure but I don't automatically adapt an uncivil tone. Part of the fun I have in/out of a scene is sometimes telling a submissive to do the most outrageous/nasty/naughty/masochistic things while doing so with a smile and a civil tone but, there are those same times when I will tell her to do something WITHOUT the courtesy, without the civility but in a tone that growls or commands; that is harsh without being rude; that brooks no disobedience but accomplishes its goal without sneering degradation.

To each their own but I'd rather do the variety with the erring towards the "gentlemanly but firm dominant" than the "rude, demanding, always-on-edge" dominant.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:26:39 PM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

I was recently approached by a person who said that I was not a true Dom because in one of my journal entries I said that a sub should do what he or she was asked to do. The point they wanted to make was that a Dom doesn't ask for anything.

In my opinion there is no reason not to be civil, even in a Dom/sub relationship. Just because my statements come with question marks. Does not mean they carry less weight if my sub does not carry out my wishes she will be dealt with and disciplined accordingly.

What is your opinion? Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

I believe that a dominant who exercises control, elegance, and class can earn more respect than one that has to "try and lay down the law". In my relationship, Mistress is very sweet and mellow. She doesn't have to raise her voice or act like a bitch to get me to do things for her. I love doing things for her to start with, so she knows all she has to do is ask for something. Her asking is the same as a command to me. On top of everything else, I'm much more likely to do something for anyone, whether dominant or submissive, if the person is civil and pleasant. If the person is barky and just trying to establish "who's boss", chances are I'd chuckle a bit and tell them to get bent.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:30:00 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way. The methodolgy is a matter of personal tastes, and personal opinions.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:32:40 PM

wisdom58

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

Depends on the sub. Some want/need that level of objectification in most/all interactions. Others will not cede power to you if you initially approach them that way. For them, such behavior is a non-starter.

Have you been successful in your approach? If so, then who cares what others think about it? More fundamentally, I think successful D/s relationships require more authenticity than many vanilla ones. So, you gotta be who you are, regardless.

(in reply to DrSysAdmin)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:39:55 PM

ALAstella

Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline

Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom.

stella

_____________________________

The Resident Artistes (by GT)

New Year's Day 2009.
When you don't understand the reason why, that's love.

http://www.simply-q.org
http://www.q-fringe.org

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:40:23 PM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way.

That sums it up nicely. You can be a perfect gentleman, civil, sadistic, nasty, and dominant all at the same time. The terms are not mutually exclusive unless you want them to be.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:44:32 PM

welcomerain

Posts: 63
Joined: 5/28/2008
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Being dominant means getting what you want most of the time, not pounding your feet and threatening to hold your breath until you get it.

Politeness will you better results than rudeness just about all the time. Any "dominant" who dismisses the importance of politeness is barely a dominant at all.

It's fair to say that people you deal with may need an occasional kick in the butt and you need to be ready to give it, but if that's the only tool in your toolbox, you'll be sunk pretty quickly.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:45:00 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I've had the same comments levied in my direction at times, as I am rather genteel by nature most of the time (though I can cuss like a sailor under certain circumstance) and tend to phrase even commands using terms like "please" and "thank you". I've been told that isn't very "dom(me)ly", but you know what, I have no question about my authority orientation, so they're welcome to their opinion, and I will go on directing my servants as I see fit. If someone else doesn't like it, they can manage their own servants the way they choose. So short answer... no, one doesn't have to be rude or be an ass to be dominant in a relationship.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to ALAstella)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:49:19 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Hello Wise Crackin,

There are times when Mistress will say "you might want to X" to me and I start thinking about X cause after all I might want to... right?

Then she says, "no, no. That wasn't a suggestion." Oh that's an order. oops. It's her style. I'm learning her style. Usually she makes the suggestion order when it's something I don't really want to do because it is something I struggle with (not because I am defiant).

Part of the process of togetherness is learning style. I rather enjoy civility... humor... clarity. Now I know the style, I can adapt my thinking around it.

So I'm gonna say the short answer to your question is this...

A dominant and a bully are not the same thing.

Have a good day,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 12:57:48 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

M wouldn't be a true Dom then ........and thank god for that.

It would be SO dull if he did. I would never go for a true Dom.....lol They sound as boring as fuck.

agirl

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:00:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ALAstella

Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom.

stella

Definitely makes it easier to be owned.......LOL

agirl

(in reply to ALAstella)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:01:39 PM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ALAstella

Not wishing to offend anyone but after reading some of the threads here on these boards, including from a dom who wants to help his potential male slave get his dick chopped off without medical aid, and another who genuinely believes that a slave is very much like property to be taken by anyone I'm inclined to wonder whether being being bat shit crazy makes it easier to be a dom.

stella

LOL.

That just about made me spew my coffee on my screen.

Evidently you missed the one who wanted to pour hot candle wax into his sub's colon and let it harden.

Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

(in reply to ALAstella)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:05:33 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The real issue I find is that a lot of sub women want a little bit of an asshole, or confuse a bit of asshole behavior with strong dom behavior.

The fact is, if asshole didn't find partners, they'd stop being assholed or would be perpetually single. Obviously a lot of people really like assholes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to StrangerThan)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:09:58 PM

MasterLark

Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Does one have to command to earn the respect and submission of a sub or can one be a Dom by exercising control and civility?

If you exercise control and civility (A), you then command respect and submission (B). A leads to B, but B doesn't necessarily lead to A.

Being a quiet, civil Dom or Master isn't an oxymoron. Being an arrogant, domineering Dom or Master is.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:21:12 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

..and there's the *define arse-hole* thing.

MY arse-hole isn't YOUR arse-hole. I know people that think M is an arse because he's *mean and cruel*.

If anyone paid too much attention to this, there'd be a raft of very dull homogenous couplings.

Vive la difference.

agirl

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:25:52 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I've met Dominants and I've met arrogant, self-absorbed, bullying arseholes. Both groups describe themselves as Dominant on cm.

IMHO the two are mutually exclusive.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you have to be an arse hole to be a Dom? - 1/24/2009 1:35:02 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

The dominant is the one who gets his/her/their way. The methodolgy is a matter of personal tastes, and personal opinions.

This sums things up nicely.

BTW No, you don't have to be an arse-hole to be a Dom but you need to have one...... Just a thought..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 20

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