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what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 12:05:30 PM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hi:

I am seeking other subs' opinion on what do you do after you have disappointed your Dom?

I am feeling so much anger right now, anger against myself....i dont know who i can talk to about it since i dont have much friends in this lifestyle, so again, i will swallow my anger and move on. I guess i would need to vent, but i will go do that on my treadmill before my sweet mouth gets me in trouble.......

Be well

Thanks!

ropesubby
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 12:09:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Why don't you talk to the dom? You're likely to get the best responses and most progress that way.

For me, I generally get defensive, then angry, then self doubting, then sane, then mulling and finally accepting.

Disappointment is a simple fact of relationships. That doesn't really make it easier when it occurs, but it helps to soothe a bit.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 12:34:24 PM   
phoenixslave


Posts: 66
Joined: 6/13/2004
Status: offline 		Absolutely. Talk to your Dom. He Is your best friend in times like this.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 12:54:01 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

but i will go do that on my treadmill before my sweet mouth gets me in trouble.......


You aren't permitted to have a discussion with your Dom about disappointing him?
I do not understand this. You need to be able to communicate.
As far as what you do afterward -- make an effort to improve the next time.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to phoenixslave)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 1:02:07 PM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hi:

Oh i do talk to my Dom, i was just wondering how other subs deal with the emotions i have mentionned in my first post. He is my best friend and always accessible when i need to talk to Him.

ropesubby

(in reply to phoenixslave)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 2:44:32 PM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		I want to rectify that i do communicate with my Dom almost everyday :) Sorry for not being more precised.

Have a good evening

thanks

ropesubby

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 4:00:19 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ropesubby39

Hi:

I am seeking other subs' opinion on what do you do after you have disappointed your Dom?

I am feeling so much anger right now, anger against myself....i dont know who i can talk to about it since i dont have much friends in this lifestyle, so again, i will swallow my anger and move on. I guess i would need to vent, but i will go do that on my treadmill before my sweet mouth gets me in trouble.......

Be well

Thanks!

ropesubby


Sometimes things don't work out for various reasons. I know I have felt, not anger so much as disappointment in myself that I wasn't able to go as far as He or I would have wished - luckily I have a very understanding Master and we talk about things afterward, cuddle and resolve to try again another time.

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 4:15:33 PM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Rayne

i would say disappointment in myself is the right word for what i feel. Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying and be hard on myself (after a smack on my tush), i cant shake it off.

But i do feel much better than this morning............i felt like crap

Be well

ropesubby

(in reply to Rayne58)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 4:28:16 PM   
EriaeMelody


Posts: 29
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I am seeking other subs' opinion on what do you do after you have disappointed your Dom


Talk to him. No one is perfect, and I doubt very much that he expects you to be at all times. Use the anger you feel at yourself to analyze why and how you disappointed him in the first place.

_____________________________

"It's just another day in paradise"

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 7:12:29 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		What did you do/not do, naughty grrl?

I go thru this when I let myself down, on top of letting Him down. You are human, babe. If He says that all is forgiven, then you owe it to the both of you to stop doing your own self-serve masochism, and take yourself off the hook!

Hey, would you masturbate behind his back if you are prohibited? Just say no to your own masochism.





_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to EriaeMelody)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 8:32:06 PM   
seaturtle50


Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am seeking other subs' opinion on what do you do after you have disappointed your Dom?


quote:

Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying and be hard on myself (after a smack on my tush), i cant shake it off


i might suggest that you believe your Dom. Believe what he has already said to you, and believe in Him.

It sounds as though it is YOU who has not yet forgiven the wrong. If i am reading you right, he has already moved on. Is that correct?

So, it is more an issue of how a sub feels when the sub thinks he/she has disappointed. i have noticed that the need to not disappoint one's Dom/me seems to be one of the strongest feelings that a sub experiences. Somehow, it smacks to me of being somewhat controlling. Something very self-centered. To hang onto the feelings associated with dissapointing, after you have been released from them by your Dom/me. (However, i do reserve the right to be absolutely wrong about that opinion )

So, unless you enjoy the suffering, surrender that feeling to him, by taking him at his word, and swat!

m

(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what do you do after session - 1/11/2006 10:08:50 PM   
lilyophelia


Posts: 38
Joined: 1/5/2004
Status: offline 		Well, i think a big thing to think about, also, is if you really feel terrible about dissapointing your Dominant. What led to your behavior? Have you two settled on a rule or ritual that is very hard for you to maintain in a realistic way?

i had a friend once who was beating herself up because she couldn't handle anal sex with her Master. It just hurt her too badly, and they had to stop (there were a lot of factors leading to this). But after he forgave her, she was still abusing herself over it. In truth though, she wasn't physically capable of performing in that way at that time; it was outside of her control. i would look at why i failed to please my Dominant and go from there.

But, when i hurt my Miss, i do feel really badly, so i understand. i guess it mostly helps to share your thoughts with someone, and to reaffirm that you won't willingly disobey or dissapoint again; if you think you might break a rule again, discuss it with your dominant beforehand. Hope some of that is helpful.

(in reply to seaturtle50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 3:05:33 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		communicate...it happens to all of us and i know how you feel , because i am tough on myself too.

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 6:27:03 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ropesubby39
Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying and be hard on myself (after a smack on my tush), i cant shake it off.ropesubby

LOL sometimes it really pushes my impatience button when my local partner continues to dwell even AFTER I've cuddled, even AFTER I've reassured, even AFTER I've established that everything is well again.

Here's one approach:
Stop being self-absorbed! You aren't trusting the dom, you are denying yourself and your dom pleasure of the time to be together securely. It's not your job to beat yourself up and you're only feeding into your insecurities.

Another:
Go to him directly and LAUGH about it. Say "I'm being a total dork over this but can't seem to shake it off, got any ideas?"

Ruminating over things is normal. But you have to break your insecure habits or you will drain eachother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 6:32:59 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying


I think you need to let it go. You've discussed it, evidently it's not an issue for him.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 5:06:20 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying


I think you need to let it go. You've discussed it, evidently it's not an issue for him.


Sometimes that is easier said than done, tho.
I had a hard time letting go of something recently and I found that some thoughful tasks given to me by my dominant really helped me to focus on the reality of the present moment and let go of the issue I was clinging to. It also helped me to focus on positive feelings I encounter as a result of our relationship, which was especially sweet since I was so wrapped up in feeling the negative ones about myself. I have no idea whether or not he knew how perfectly crafted the "assignment" he gave me was, but either way it helped immensely.
Maybe your dom could help you in this way too.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 5:49:07 PM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hello A/all:

Thank You A/all for your replies. It made me feel much better about the situation and somewhat realized that i am human and for sure some days i cant take pain as much as other days.

Have a good evening and thanks again

ropesubby

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what do you do after session - 1/12/2006 10:17:23 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ropesubby39

Hi Rayne

i would say disappointment in myself is the right word for what i feel. Even tho my Dom said to stop worrying and be hard on myself (after a smack on my tush), i cant shake it off.

But i do feel much better than this morning............i felt like crap

Be well

ropesubby

He told you to shake it off and even gave you a whack to send "it" on its way but you're still holding it?

Well now that's two things you've done wrong. You should feel terrible.





(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what do you do after session - 1/13/2006 2:44:01 AM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Noah:

My Dom did not say to *shake it off* i did.....

ropesubby

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what do you do after session - 1/13/2006 6:08:53 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Let me guess this is the series of events:

You get into a good hot scene

The dom works you up real good and really wants to push you with your pain limits

You try in vain but simply cannot go to that level

Your dom is fine with it and tells you not to worry

You feel crushed, take it personally, make it all about you and your "failure" and become wrapped in your insecurity

Happens alllllll the time.

Eventually you will hopefully
a) learn to the trust the dom that he means it when he says it's ok
b) learn to not automatically presume that you are such a huge deal that just one scene makes you a horrible failure

The problem of course is that some doms really WILL take this sort of thing personally, get all insecure and defensive about it themselves and will even lie and say it's ok when it isn't. Luckily, that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ropesubby39)
Profile   Post #: 20
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