How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (Full Version)

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DeepSouth -> How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:23:50 AM)

I am fairly new to the bdsm lifestyle and I have met a few people on the CM site. I revised my profile at the advice of an experienced Domme who said I should not have listed my interests but instead stated I was more concerned about the needs of a prospective Domme. I mean of course I am concerned about what an owner would want and need but how can I tell someone I have met online what I am into and not sound like I am demanding that they do things to me. I understand how pro Dommes are and that is not what I am seeking. I just do not want to seem pushy. A slave who has a list of what he likes done to him does seem counterproductive. If anyone has the time please read my profile and let me know if it seems alright. I was not really sure what to put in it. Thanks and I look foward to some sound advice.



LadyMedusa -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:28:37 AM)

I looked at your profile, and it seems pretty straight on. Any Mistress or Domme will ask what she needs to know when you do a meet and greet. If they are for real, they are not going to expect you to drop trouser and bend over and say ahhhhhh. they will take the time to get to know who you are, and what your limits may be, as a newcomer...she will probably ask more of you than a sub with more experience, because you both will be finding your limits as well



T1981 -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:28:52 AM)

Your profile seems very honest in your inexperience, which to me is a plus. Never hurts to admit that. Perhaps try explaining one or two of your vanilla interests in your profile, such as why you love art galleries? Also perhaps talk a little bit about what brought you to the lifestyle, so people understand where you are coming from a bit more?

And while I may be in the minority here, and especially as a submissive, I actually find it very helpful when a CM'er uses the BDSM checklist that CM provides. It gives a good sense of what a person is or is not willing to do - when you have that ALONG with the rest of the profile interests list, it's much more comprehensive and gives me a better sense of the full person.



Dnomyar -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:31:32 AM)

I dissagree about the check list. My advise is to mello out and not be in a hurry. Hang out and get to know the people here for a while. Who knows there may be a Mistress on here looking for you.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:34:54 AM)

A dominant lady will usually be interested in what makes you tick, and will ask when she is ready to go there.   If a lady speaks/communicates with you, and at no point shows any interest in what makes you happy, that is a clue for you about whether she is the right type for you.    M



Madame4a -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:40:44 AM)

You'll get some great advice here... I'd also suggest you search things in this forum like profiles, how to approach a domme or dominant woman.. etc... there are many long threads on those and similar subjects that will likely help you...

another good thing is to read and post here.. eventually, sides of you will be revealed that will never come through a profile



AAkasha -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:41:55 AM)



I must be a hardass.  The femdoms seem to give this profile a thumbs up, but maybe that is because you didn't just list your fantasy and be done with it. Meaning it's not NEGATIVE...but at the same time, it's not really anything.

If your profile could apply to almost ANY other guy the same age, what does it really say?  Your age, your location, no phone or online, want to meet someone close by, inexperienced, looking for a teacher/friend whatever...ok, you and 500 other guys 37 on here with no picture. It's a totally generic profile!   And people think this is a good start?

How about what (generally) do for a living, what your marital status/kids are (at least offer up if you are married or not), what you do for fun on the weekends, what was the last trip you went on, what makes you laugh, what your friends would describe you as...come up with *something* that allows you to be unique. Describe a perfect day, list what music you listen to. 

Akasha



DeepSouth -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 9:51:03 AM)

Thanks for answering my question. This has been helpful to me. I do hope to hear from more people and maybe get some more insight. I did not realize that there is alot more than meets the eye in a person's profile. I will be sure and look carefully at the next one I read. Thank you very much.



LadyLou -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 10:55:25 AM)

 
I am going against the grain here a little bit, but I suggest that you do not let other peoples opinions on your profile influence your profile *too* much. Your profile needs to reflect you.



Everyone has their own idea of what attracts them to a profile. If you take everyones opinions onboard, then it doesn't really reflect you anymore, rather it becomes a meaningless conglomerate of everyone elses ideals.



I also personally think the checklist, when checked with a mixture of vanilla and kink interests, and accompanied with a rounded, informative and thoughtfully written profile, is a great way of showing what kink you are into. That way, you don't have to get into the messy business and actually have to write about kink and risk placing too much focus on it which can be minefield for sub males.



People here that are looking, are looking to be fulfilled in their personal relationships. We all come here looking for something, there is nothing wrong with having desires and wanting someone compatible with those desires, otherwise, what is the point of being here? So I say, state what your kink desires are, but, keep it minimal and strategically placed in a well rounded profile that is informative about you as a whole person, and lets your personality shine through.



came4U -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 10:56:41 AM)

Start with a 'hello'.



Usako -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 2:23:05 PM)

Your profile is very "I" orientated. You want this, you want that, you're looking for this... Are you looking for a relationship? Something long term? Just play partners? If you're looking for something with a connection I'd add more info about you as a person. I see nothing wrong with mentioning a few of your kinks in a part of your profile, but in my opinion it's best when a profile is more "vanilla" (I hate that word) than anything else. I like to know there is a real person at the other end of the profile and not just a kink machine.



cloudboy -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 4:23:24 PM)

A juxtaposition in your profile struck me as funny. You wrote:

I am basically a novice slave in this lifestyle, looking to be trained to serve an experienced, mature Domme.

Under "loves" you list:

Female Supremacy
Lifestyle BDSM

To me, it hard to know what you love w/o having had any experience at it.

I also don't know how any male could possible list themselves as a "male slave" without having been one before in some capacity. There's a lot of downside to being a slave, and its hard to know how one might adapt to the role in the end.

-------

I don't really agree with Aakasha's remarks that your profile has to be "more specific." Its counter intuitive, but the malesub is the hunter in the BDSM dating world. As such, static tools like your profile won't give you much of an advantage. For success, you have to be proactive, and in your approach to women you need to be specific, interested, and interesting.

All that said, you could be Ann Rand's cryogenic malesub, but if you don't have a little bit of luck and circumstance on your side, the numbers game might simply trump your efforts. Even if that's the case, you will meet people and develop -- and that's the best anyone can do.

As for dating research, the single most important thing a profile can have is pictures. If you can't put one in your profile, be sure to send one in your emails.




AAkasha -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 4:37:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy



I don't really agree with Aakasha's remarks that your profile has to be "more specific." Its counter intuitive, but the malesub is the hunter in the BDSM dating world. As such, static tools like your profile won't give you much of an advantage. For success, you have to be proactive, and in your approach to women you need to be specific, interested, and interesting.

All that said, you could be Ann Rand's cryogenic malesub, but if you don't have a little bit of luck and circumstance on your side, the numbers game might simply trump your efforts. Even if that's the case, you will meet people and develop -- and that's the best anyone can do.

As for dating research, the single most important thing a profile can have is pictures. If you can't put one in your profile, be sure to send one in your emails.




You are assuming that femdoms don't click on profiles when a sub contacts them.  Just because many subs never bother to read a profile doesn't mean a femdom doesn't. If I have ten emails in my mail box from subs who are "being the hunter," you can bet I am more likely to respond to the ones that have an interesting profile going along with their at least semi intesting email. Or at least they took some effort in putting something there.

Akasha



Nikitaa -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 4:56:57 PM)

I agree with AAkasha

Write a good profile. I write this post about how I feel when I receive message. I look at man's profile and if profile is empty then I become annoyed. If man has long message instead of profile this is okay. Most men do not have long message or profile.

I already know man sending message is submissive and wants dominatrix before I read message. This is why man is on collarme. Man does not need to write me this. This is all men write. "Hi mistress I am sub and I like blah blah and you are pretty and I want you."

I say NO

I say write me why you are special. All men are different so tell me what is different about you. Do not worry about offending me. If you say nothing I will not answer and this is same as offending. No dominatrix for you.

I say put all your effort into great profile. Then send 4-5 sentence message to dominatrix and mention her profile and then inform her you have good profile for reading. If you are too lazy to write profile then you are too lazy to preform my errands and lick my bathroom floor clean. Why would I want lazy submissive?



LPslittleclip -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 6:26:39 PM)

ideas;
be honest and open in your profile, visit the chat rooms, read and respond to the message boards, find local groups and attend meet and greets, also look for training classes given by others to get an idea of what is there you like and don't. be respectfully to those you meet ask questions in the same way. look for your self what you are in this lifestyle and you will learn about yourself. having a journal may help as well for the Dominants that respond to subs look at their profile and posts and journals to decide what they want. be patient and polite, but above all be yourself and not anything someone else says you should be.



windycitysub78 -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/28/2009 6:44:17 PM)

"....find local groups and attend meet and greets..."

Real life interaction, what a key that is.  Being a rather private person, I used to hesitate.  My idea was to find someone on here (or alt) and build something out of it.  It worked, but now I know I hit the jackpot.  ...it usally does not work that way for most.  I used to hesitate about going to a munch because for some reason I thought I would be exposed as a submissive - despite knowing full well there is nothing wrong with that.  Maybe being a "go-getter" with a type "A" personaility in everyday life, there was a conflict inside me.  Even though I would be exposing myself as a submissive only to people who are into the lifestyle, I still felt uneasy about it.  Heck, even when I reached the point where I realize my submission makes me a stronger MAN, I was hesitant about actually attending a munch.

Once I did start to attend, and discovered that the people who attend them are serious about this lifestyle, everything changed.



DeepSouth -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/29/2009 3:28:37 AM)

Thanks for all the great posts. I did not say in my profile, that I had no experience, its just that my history in bdsm is limited. I have only been around it for about a year. I do realize I have alot more to learn. Just by reading alot of the posts here I have garnered alot of insight. Thank you all for responding.



cloudboy -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/29/2009 6:53:06 AM)

quote:

You are assuming that femdoms don't click on profiles when a sub contacts them. Just because many subs never bother to read a profile doesn't mean a femdom doesn't. If I have ten emails in my mail box from subs who are "being the hunter," you can bet I am more likely to respond to the ones that have an interesting profile going along with their at least semi intesting email. Or at least they took some effort in putting something there.


I agree with Richard Bolles, the author of What Color is you Parachute, who views resumes as a rejection tool.

On balance active ways of meeting people (writing, talking, meeting, sharing, finding out about, etc.) trump the passive. According to Bolles, when people put a lot of effort into their Resume and rely on it to find a job, they then tend to internalize the lack of response resumes generate in a job search. So, to him, the downside actually outweighs the upside.

A picture is also worth a thousand words, according to the online dating gurus.

I do agree with your general point that one must strive to be personal instead of generic.



YoursMistress -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/29/2009 7:10:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



I must be a hardass.  The femdoms seem to give this profile a thumbs up, but maybe that is because you didn't just list your fantasy and be done with it. Meaning it's not NEGATIVE...but at the same time, it's not really anything.

If your profile could apply to almost ANY other guy the same age, what does it really say?  Your age, your location, no phone or online, want to meet someone close by, inexperienced, looking for a teacher/friend whatever...ok, you and 500 other guys 37 on here with no picture. It's a totally generic profile!   And people think this is a good start?

How about what (generally) do for a living, what your marital status/kids are (at least offer up if you are married or not), what you do for fun on the weekends, what was the last trip you went on, what makes you laugh, what your friends would describe you as...come up with *something* that allows you to be unique. Describe a perfect day, list what music you listen to. 

Akasha



..stands in front of profile hoping Akasha won't see it and thrash it with her weed-wacker..

..remembers thread on attention-getting behaviour (http://www.collarchat.com/m_2421512/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#2423235) and decides to back away quietly..



hardbodysub -> RE: How can you let someone know what you are interested in and not seem like a "do me" sub/slave? (1/29/2009 7:25:09 AM)

As LadyLou did, I'm probably going against the grain also.

I think by their very nature profiles should be "I" oriented. The profile is about you, after all. I'm not turned off by people talking about themselves in profiles, and using the word "I" a lot. That's what I want to learn about when I read someone else's profile, and I definitely don't see them as self-centered simply because of that. If you fix it up in a manner to attract as many people as possible, without being true to yourself and your own desires, you'll end up attracting a lot of people that aren't really compatible with you.

Some people think a sub's profile should focus on what he/she can provide to a dominant. I think that what a sub provides should depend on what the dominant wants, so it's virtually impossible to include specifics in a profile. I prefer to think of the profile as similar to a resume in a job search. You do have to sell yourself, and have a targeted audience that reflects what you're looking for. You can include more specifics in the contact letter, or on CM, your initial private email.

Some people say you shouldn't list kinks. If you're primarily looking for a LTR, and kink is only secondary, then I guess that makes some sense. However, by the very nature of this site, it seems pretty natural to use the BDSM checklists, and/or to discuss kinks in the profile. Unfortunately, some people consider the checklist a "Do-Me" list, when all it really represents is interests. I'm not on a BDSM site to spend a ridiculous amount of time finding out if someone is vanilla-compatible with me, before even exploring our BDSM compatibility. If I wanted to do it that way, I could be on a vanilla site. But if you follow this rationale when you write your profile, you'll turn off people who feel differently, and a lot of them do.

In a nutshell, nobody else's opinion about what belongs in a profile is either right or wrong for you. They will look for what they want, so you have to decide what type of person you want, and tailor your profile to attract them, while remaining honest about your own desires.



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