The courtesy of a "no thanks" (Full Version)

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DominaSmartass -> The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 9:31:17 PM)

Here's a scenario. It's happened to me a few times and I'm sure it's happened to some (or all) of you.

You meet someone online, talk for a bit, decide to meet. And surprisingly they actually show up and seem to be who they said they were. You spend a while talking in person and the chemistry seems right so you venture for some play. Nothing impressive happens but it seems to be a good time all around and you think "Hey, this could have potential."

So, you say your goodbyes and they say they'll call or email or see you soon and then...nothing. From here, 2 things can happen: either you never see or hear from them again or you see them continue to be online but just never writing to you. If you're like me, you'll try once to make contact and say "Hey...been a couple of weeks and I haven't heard from you" - just to make sure they understand the door is open in case they feel it's not proper for them to pursue you as the submissive one. And nothing...not even the courtesy of a "no thanks."

This is what baffles me... It's not like after 1 meeting I'm in love with someone and have planned out our future but at least I'd tell them there wasn't any chemistry or I wasn't interested in meeting again if that were the case.

Sigh...this happened to me a few weeks back and while I'm not upset (cause if he is this kind of person he's not what I'm looking for anyway) but just frustrated with how this happens more often than not.

****Before you say anything, I will answer my own question with "You knew you shouldn't have played so soon." And yes, it's true. I was in need of some play that night and I knew (and even told him) that I accepted the risk that if I played with him at all that I would never see or hear from him again because he would have gotten what he wanted, his fix. I made that choice, got what I wanted that night, and it did transpire as I imagined it might. I knew as soon as he left that I'd never hear from him again.

Just interested to hear others' experiences. Not really complaining, it's a fact of life.



Usako -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 9:57:56 PM)

This happens to me almost every time I meet someone. It has nothing to do with BDSM either, this happens even when I meet someone off of a normal non-kinky dating site. I've come to conclusion that I must just be repulsive in person and probably have no chance of ever finding happiness.

Yeah...sorry if it sounds down, I'm just sick and in a bad mood. And this post reminded me of all the bad meetings. Lots of talk, laughter, mutual interest...it seems like it's going great and then BAM! They fall off the face of the Earth...it's pretty depressing.



DominaSmartass -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 10:04:45 PM)

Oh, don't say that! I promise you it is nothing personal. I know because I have the most wonderful partner anyone could ever dream of and I have amazing friends and how could a person have all of that without doing something right, huh? And STILL this happens to me, so I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you, it's just the immaturity of aptly referred to "boys" who do this kind of thing. There is just no way you can be that horrible that you can take all the credit for their crappy behavior ;)



YoursMistress -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 10:06:07 PM)

In my own experience, and it is primarily but not exclusively limited to non-BDSM interactions, I feel most uncomfortable following up when I feel that the other party has a significantly stronger emotional connection that I do. Since I know that I will tend to suppress my feelings and try to please her, I may significantly procrastinate in a follow-up call for fear that I might otherwise feel obligated to play along and build resentments.  Now, I doubt that I am in the majority in my affectations and aberrant behaviours, but perhaps this is one explanation. 

yours



LaMistressa -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 10:25:41 PM)

Don't feel bad about the playing aspect of it, I've had it happen after meeting people for coffee. It's disappointing, but I shrug them off and remember their names -- being a small community, they won't have the opportunity to pull the same thing on any friends of mine, at least. I also get a fair amount of people who flake right before meeting, so maybe it's just the internet.

On the other side of the coin, I've said "no thanks" to people before only to have them follow up with multiple emails, phone calls and annoyances. There has to be a middle ground between these two responses, or at least I hope so.





DavanKael -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 10:31:08 PM)

Hi, DominaSmartass----
Sorry you had someone go "poof" on you; sometimes people are simply rude and lack even the most meager of graces. 
I've went out with someone once who went "poof" afterward; had a nice lunch, there wasn't any interest on my part (And, I suppose not on his either) but the conversation was fine.  < shrug >  I sent a follow-up e-mail out of basic courtesy.  Who knows, maybe the dude got abducted by aliens.  Didn't meet the person on CM, though had discussed a vast array of things, relational styles and kink among them as well as books, jobs, yadda, yadda, yadda. 
Sometimes, I think that there is confusion over the appropriate way to handle a thing.  When I decided to be exclusive with the person I am with (Yaaaaaay!!!  :>  ), I wanted to alter my CM profile immediately to reflect that.  Seemed wholly appropriate; I didn't want a profile that, in any way, suggested I am 'looking', as I am not and really hadn't been since he and I expressed interest in one another.  :>  There was a person I had gone out with 4 times from the site (No play, food and talk) that I needed to let know because I'd seen them recently and it seemed the polite thing to do.  That person and I didn't talk on the phone hardly at all, rarely communicated except to coordinate details of getting together.  After consulting with a few people on the level of appropriateness, I sent him an e-mail explaining my decision, etc. and the person never replied and removed themselves from my 'admirers' list.  I had said that I would be interested in staying in touch socially if he wished; we'd had pleasant conversations.  One friend who hadn't been in on the initial consult told me it was a bit of a cheeseball move and I had feared that it was too but I was uncertain.  I didn't mean it that way, I wanted to be sure he was aware, via a personal contact from me, rather than seeing my massively altered profile on the site.  I suspect I hurt his feelings and/or his pride.  I don't know.  I made the choice that honored the more important decision I joyously made.  :> 
Two very different circumstances, I know. 
It seems as if you've chalked the situation up to a fun play event despite the tacky lack of response.  I hope that you find others with whom to play that have more grace and who suit your needs moreso on an on-going basis.  :> 
Davan



Nikitaa -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 11:34:40 PM)

I had a man disappear after I make mistake and tell him about my fetish. I thought he was submissive man so I tell him of secret fetish. He asked if I would show him fetish play so I did some things to him which I enjoy doing and he pretended he like what I do. I heard from friend later he was scared and thought I was a crazy girl. I should not have squeezed so hard. I went too fast for him and this is too bad because he was cute and he had tickets to music festival I wanted to attend.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/28/2009 11:56:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
****Before you say anything, I will answer my own question with "You knew you shouldn't have played so soon."
First of all, I would never say that to an adult.   As an adult, you can either be bold, do what you want/need to do, and let the chips fall where they may, as long as you can deal with the consequences or potential repercussions, or you can be afraid, go very slow, and hope they will someday fall so madly in love/need with you, they'll never leave (which could itself be a curse, lol).

quote:

And yes, it's true. I was in need of some play that night and I knew (and even told him) that I accepted the risk that if I played with him at all that I would never see or hear from him again because he would have gotten what he wanted, his fix. I made that choice, got what I wanted that night, and it did transpire as I imagined it might. I knew as soon as he left that I'd never hear from him again.
Why would you say this to someone in the first place?   Why would you think that you're not kool enough for him to want to return?    If I ever felt that someone was there to simply use me, than disappear, I couldn't do it...   My body would simply not respond, and believe me, I tried it once.

The up side of this, is that you wanted to play, and as you say, you got what you wanted.    How to proceed?    You have to decide if you can take those chances when you feel like, and be okay, or whether you always should get to know, and spend time with someone, get a feel for whether he is available for more than one play session, before playing with them.   
When on rare occasions, I do something impulsive, I do not become sad or regret it, because I only do that when I am know it will be fun for me.  

It should go without saying, that I think his behavior was reprehensible, in terms of class, and common courtesy...  M



strangedesire -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/29/2009 6:17:13 AM)

This happens to me all the time. 

I recall one man who seemed quite happy with the way we'd played together, and even tried in the immediate aftermath to schedule another date.  The next day when I called to check in on him, he didn't return my calls.  I've tried to make contact with him a few times since, and I can trace his online presence well enough to know that he's alive, but I haven't heard a thing from him. 

I don't worry about it too much.  It's depressing, but all the ill-mannered men have done is proved that they aren't worth further effort. 



thetammyjo -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/29/2009 8:48:40 AM)

If someone tells me that he/she will call or email or whatever and they don't, I take that as a sign that they were attempting to be polite in the let down or were too afraid to say "no, thanks". I do not contact them again.

Let's be positive for a moment. Perhaps they did intend to contact you and distractions from life happened. Eventually they will contact you when they remember and you can then decide it not being remembered was a reasonable thing or a sign that this isn't going to work.

Yeah, it hurts when someone says they will do one thing and then they don't. I try to just not believe what anyone tells me until we have a relationship. I find that decreases my hurt feelings a lot.



DominaSmartass -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/29/2009 5:52:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Yeah, it hurts when someone says they will do one thing and then they don't.


That's the thing though...it didn't hurt. It might have hurt if I had known the person for more than a couple of days but really, it's totally not a big deal. It just irritates me that the person (who I see is on CM every time I log in because he pops up on my homescreen) doesn't have an ounce of courtesy. I find it really funny how his profile is filled with the "I'm real/I'm sincere" stuff because very obviously he's not (in my book someone who doesn't stand by their word or have the balls to say "nevermind, I don't want to get together again" doesn't get to be "real.")

To FullfigRIMAAM, the reason I said what I did is not because I don't believe I'm totally awesome and worth returning to again and again, cause I do ;) But because it's pretty much par for the course to have someone claim to be sincere and then disappear as soon as they get their kink on and I believe that acknowledging the possibility is just being honest.

So, not a big deal. There is always another one just around the corner and if you meet enough of them one has to be honest eventually, right? They only really piss me off when I spend a good amount of time getting to know them before disappearing. These instant poofers...who cares?



T1981 -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/29/2009 5:57:30 PM)

We've met one person with whom the chemistry was right, but the husband isn't quite comfortable with the M/M/F aspect of it yet. And that's okay. This man took it quite well and I was very grateful for it, since I was prepared for a whole mess of unpleasant things. (You hear horror stories...)

We've been really lucky in that the two meetings we've set up with people have gone through quite well, very relaxed and easy going.



DominantDamsel -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/29/2009 9:35:14 PM)

"Play" is intimacy for me and isn't probable until I know the person extremely well and have determined that there's a future for the two of us. In the interim? It's similar to vanilla dating, as far as I'm concerned. Nothing is taken for granted on my end or theirs; we're casual dating and taking stock of one another during this lengthy little interlude and if that changes, I'll be the one to introduce him or her to the next step. There won't be any question that they want it and everything that goes along with it. I wouldn't make anyone aware of my growing feelings who I wasn't certain of already. I think this has helped me successfully avoid those "no thanks" types of scenarios.



MsDDom -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/30/2009 8:51:51 PM)

i am a very approachable person, even in the lifestyle, unless someone is out right disrespectful... [:@]

i have learned to curb my playfulness, if u will, manner, b/c u can end up expending allot of time and energy doing so and feel like "damn, they used me for their kinky gain"!  so, i keep my cuffs and crop behind me and speak (if online) in general terms to bdsm. not allot of specifics b/c that can turn into the 3rd degree...

after all, this is online...if they want to really know who u r, they (subs) will inquiry more intelligently and not ask if u want to see their ass up in the air on cam...  [;)]



LunaVenus -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/30/2009 9:35:21 PM)

This has happened to me twice. The first time I cried so much afterward, I thought I would never stop. I was depressed for several weeks afterward. The next time it happened, I was kind of oblivious... perhaps because, I wasn't all that excited about the person anyhow.
 
Still it is always very painful. 
Good luck



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/30/2009 11:17:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
it's pretty much par for the course to have someone claim to be sincere and then disappear as soon as they get their kink on and I believe that acknowledging the possibility is just being honest
It's true that you are being honest in that moment, but a guy might see it differently.   You don't want to seem like you care on the first encounter more than he does, about whether he returns.   Telling him you enjoyed your time together, and would enjoy doing it again should cover it... 
Than, given that he has your number, and email address, once he does not call, if I were you, I couldn't call him either...  Unless you suspect, he got into a grave accident and wanted to make sure he got home safely.   M



DeepSouth -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/31/2009 4:37:17 AM)

Being kind of new to all this I never realized how similar bdsm relationships and vanilla dating really are. I guess after some get their kinks satisfied they feel they are done. It is clearly stated in some profiles that the person is looking for a long term relationship. Whether that be a bdsm or vanilla realtionship, it should be told that this is what you seek. It seems, lots of people and men in particular, only look at the bdsm side of this and not the vanilla side. It does not matter if you are a Domme, a slave, a sub, a switch, or whatever, you are still a real person. People get emotionally involved whether they like it or not. It happens to all of us at one time or another. Now if a sub/slave is looking for some casual play, just once in a while, maybe he should read the profiles more carefully. There are lots of pro Dommes who would be more than happy to perform this. People need to be very clear in your profile and in correspondence, what you are looking for. And by the same token those who respond to profiles need to really want what they claim, instead of playing along until they get their way. It is not a good thing when someone gets hurt but it is something we can learn from.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/31/2009 5:19:10 AM)

In most regards, BDSM relationships are not different from relationships in general, and the people involved are just as honest, deceitful, straighforward, confused, etc. as anyone else.  
Good luck in your journey,   M



BondageBarbieX -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (1/31/2009 2:41:12 PM)

When I was being courted by potentials if I feel that there is no connection and want no further contact I usually just drop them with no explanation and if they pester me I block them.



DominaSmartass -> RE: The courtesy of a "no thanks" (2/1/2009 5:59:24 PM)

Here's an interesting twist...

Got a message from him today. He's been busy with work. Does that change anything?



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