Looking for help/mentoring/guidance

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Looking for help/mentoring/guidance

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Looking for help/mentoring/guidance

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/28/2009 9:57:13 PM

Krymzin

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline

First off, before I get into why I am posting this, I want to first let everyone know that I know that I am a Dom. I am not looking for advice on how to start being a Master or anything of that nature. What I am looking for is a Mentor, someone I can use as a resource to tap their mind for all it is worth. And this is why:

When I am with my sub, I never feel like I get to the point of complete dominance with her. She has been taken under the wing of a Mistress and with help from other people she is talking to, her submissive side is becoming greater each day that goes by. I feel like my dominance with her is at a stand still. Now her and I are also Boyfriend/Girlfriend, and I think that when I am trying to be dominant with her, that I cannot get my mind out of "vanilla" mode, and into BDSM mode. I know that this is a mental thing more then a physical thing and it kills me to know that I am not giving my sub what she wants.

I know that I am opening myself up for people to ridicule me and to say that I am not real (I read these boards too so I know what happens). But I am hoping that there are a few people out there that are willing to take a young Dom under their wing and teach him some things. The guidance I am primarily looking for is someone I can chat with online on a somewhat regular basis. I know that there are books and websites out there that could help, but I want it to come right from someones mouth (keyboard).

Please only reply to this if you are serious in helping me. To sit here and read negative feedback isn't helpful to anyone.

Thank you and I look forward to some healthy feedback......(hopefully)

Post #: 1

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/28/2009 10:05:29 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Great post, OP!

You seem insightful and receptive. I need to get some sleep right now but I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have, to the best of my ability when I get a chance. You can also message me privately if you wish.

Welcome to the boards! G'night... :o)

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Krymzin)

Post #: 2

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/28/2009 10:36:55 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

What Dreamerdreaming said. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 3

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 2:38:46 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

Uhmm..get rid of all the others in your lives and start to discover together.
But keep talking to others..it will help..and read here.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 4

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 5:11:07 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Get rid of the mistress. She can't submit to her and to you, and obviously you and the mistress don't feel and act the same. Get rid of any other d/s relationships including online.

Beyond that, what do you mean by complete submission?
Because if you want control of her finances, you need to have been together more than a couple of months.
Want to make decisions about her career? Then you need a lot of history together, plus probably having married her in order for her to feel safe that she will still have a roof over her head if you mess up. This assumes you can support both of you in such a situation.

How long have you been together. Because I can tell you that I did not feel safe giving him total control until we had been living together for over three years, which followed a three year LDR relationship. You need to have proven yourself as always making the right decisions in order to get total control. And proven it day in and day out, on both big and small things for years. Because if you have a history of not thinking things through, then she shouldn't give you control over anything important.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 5

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 6:27:06 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Can you first clarify what you mean by taken under the wing of a mistress? Is there a D/s type relationship between them or is it a friendship and someone to talk to about things type relationship?

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 7:15:21 AM

lilah333

Posts: 14
Joined: 1/1/2009
Status: offline

I agree, get rid of the mistress.

_____________________________

Buy the ticket take the Ride

-Hunter S. Thompson

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 7

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 7:24:29 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Krym,
Dominance is confidence, and confidence is dominance.

Adding another into the equation, a Mistress, especially at the beginning of a relationship, is not a way to gain it. I'm sure you've heard the line "Dominance comes from within"; its also used on the submissive side of the coin. The difference though is critical; dominance is proactive while submission is reactive. One is not harder or easier than the other, but when a submissive looks to you with pleading eyes, your look back must convey strength and confidence regardless of the subject.

When a submissive looks into your eyes she must see confidence; she must also hear it when you speak to her. It's not a matter of being abusive, its subtle. And it's nothing that someone can teach. It is something that can be nurtured but the fundamental seeds must be there. Ask yourself this question; are you dominant or do you just 'get off' on the idea of dominating a woman? There's opportunity for a relationship with your girl no matter what your answer is. A mentor shouldn't tell you the answer, they should try to help you determine it for yourself.

That's the problem with those self proclaimed mentors. They seek to change. Ideally, they are strictly observers who can tell whether the goal, any goal, is practical, and if it is bring to the forefront any personality trait that serves that goal. There shouldn't be modes 'vanilla' or flavored. It's your mind that thinks it must be, but there are many tools that help to keep an undercurrent of the dynamic you claim to seek. A mentor can help with those too.

From my perspective you've already made a mistake adding another into the equation. Don't worry, you need to make a million more to catch up to me. Turning over any training of a submissive to another is not a way to get that submissive to be confident in you. You need to build up yourself, go through a bit of self discovery. Know yourself and trust yourself so others can trust you.

Is shouldn't be work, Krym, it all should be fun and exciting. Made even more so to share the experiences with a partner who you care for. You'll laugh at your mistakes, enjoy together the successes, and grow confident together in yourself and each other. Nobody else has the answers you seek except you. A mentor shouldn't answer questions, he/she should ask them so that you can answer them in the context of your unique personality and your unique relationship.

Good luck! Always remember - have FUN!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 1/29/2009 7:55:24 AM >

(in reply to Krymzin)

Post #: 8

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 7:34:40 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

If you are having a tough time getting out of 'vanilla mode' and are not giving your gf/submissive what she needs and then have allowed another dominant to become a part of her life, where her submission is growing by the day... it seems someone is giving her something she needs as she is blooming as a submissive... just not with you. You take away that mistress and you might have a fight on your hands. I agree that I would not have the other dominant there... but to allow it and then scramble to stop it, would only make you seem like you were grasping at straws to keep what you can't seem to retain by having issues getting into dominant mode.

I am not sure what to advise you to do... but I can safely say... step lightly. Sit and talk to your gf/submissive not to decide what to do... to be able to know where you each are and talk about your struggles and how that plays out with her and her needs. To make a quick change at this point, should be a change that is made aware and in confidence with you both knowing the reasons for the change. It sounds to me like you and gf need to figure out who is most important and get out the other people, but since the other person/people are there you can't go turning things upside down without knowing what affect that will have.

Trying to find a mentor might be a good idea in helping you understand yourself and why you are struggling with the modes thing, but they cannot know so much that it would have to be in-general advice. I would try to figure myself out before I tried to figure out what to do with your gf/submissive.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to lilah333)

Post #: 9

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 7:52:40 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Wow, Merc.

Just... Wow.

*stands in awe*

OP, what he said.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 10

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 9:02:59 AM

Krymzin

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline

Thank you all so far for respecting the request I have made. I would like to address some of the replies made so far...

To DesFIP: The complete submission I am looking for is only during sessions together. She is still in school and is doing extremely well. I cannot have a D/s mindset with her while she is doing school work, other then staying on top of her to do her work. I have used her school work as an incentive for rewards when we play, and punishments as well if she slacks on putting off her work.

To SassySarijane (and others with this concern): When I first entered the relationship with my sub, she had expressed her wanting to submit to a woman. I wanted her to be happy and feel complete so I backed her up and told her I would support her on that. Initially I thought that it would be something that would only happen once or twice. But once the ball was rolling with her, she did not want it to stop. Now when my sub goes to play with the Mistress, I let her have her space so that she can commit herself to serving. But once I have her back, she is all mine.

Please keep the comments coming, and if questions come up I will answer them as soon as I can.

Thank you all for your help so far...

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 11

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 9:38:57 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I cannot have a D/s mindset with her while she is doing school work, other then staying on top of her to do her work. I have used her school work as an incentive for rewards when we play, and punishments as well if she slacks on putting off her work.

You are contradicting yourself here.

Have you considered living your life as a whole? Instead of dividing it up between bdsm and vanilla? In this way you can have a D/s relationship all of the time, instead of picking/choosing.

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 1/29/2009 9:39:35 AM >

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Krymzin)

Post #: 12

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 10:27:35 AM

Krymzin

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline

To KatyLied: To be honest, I enjoy spending time with my sub/gf that is just vanilla. Eventually I would like to try something 24/7, but it would only be for a short time. In our lives at this point, we cannot keep it D/s all the time. And I feel whole with how we are running things now, I just want to make my Dom side stronger when we session together.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 13

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 12:39:36 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

See that's the thing though....the things you do everyday don't define the dynamic itself so much as the underlying feeling, how you decided to set things....just the relationship. Nobody is ON 24/7, that's not it, it's the underlying understanding of who is in charge and has final say over things. Doesn't matter whether you are cuddling on the couch, having sex, buying groceries, engaged in a heavy s/m scene, at work or whatever, the authority is set and underscores all aspects of life and relationship, just not always in your face me dom you sub I order you obey type ways.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to Krymzin)

Post #: 14

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 12:43:36 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

As to dom part stronger during sessions, you can have authority in your voice whether loud or quiet, posture and general attitude will show authority such as quietly telling her what to do, where to stand, etc., instead of like honey, how bout you go stand over there ok? Don't know if what I'm trying to say is getting across....sigh.....not at my best at the moment.

Edited to add: On her having the mistress, a word of advice if you are not already doing this, is to talk with the mistress and have set boundaries so each of your authority over the sub isn't contradictory for her to be obediant to you both, such as mistress wanting her to abstain from sex or masturbation for x amount of time and you wanting to have sex with her during that time. Sorry...was just the first example that popped into my head to illustrate my meaning.

< Message edited by SassySarijane -- 1/29/2009 12:48:08 PM >

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 15

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 12:45:26 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Ask her mistress to mentor you.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 16

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 1/29/2009 10:25:27 PM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline

Brian...wow get rid of the mistress..................................................

she should just be with you, and respect you enough to do that.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 17

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 2/6/2009 2:17:14 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Krymzin

What I am looking for is a Mentor, someone I can use as a resource to tap their mind for all it is worth.

I'll lend you my mind. Tell her: "try and stay out of trouble and it should pan out fine". That is the sum total of my knowledge/resource.

Yours,
Apathy Dom

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Krymzin)

Post #: 18

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 2/6/2009 2:34:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

So if she gets good grades, you reward her. Have you helped her figure out a schedule for studying? Have you helped her figure out what she needs to improve in classes? Because if she needs tutoring, and you're punishing her for not understanding an assignment, that isn't fair.

You prove yourself trustworthy by helping her, not announcing she has to be no limits during play but everything else is entirely her problem.

And sometimes in play there is just a mismatch. If you're assuming she doesn't trust you because she reds out every time you use a cane then you are wrong. It's because she can't handle the pain. Pain tolerance isn't a matter of trust, much of it is preset. Yes you can teach someone to tolerate some higher degree of pain, in most cases. But doing so takes months.

You aren't helping her when she needs help. You're assuming she is deliberately refusing to give you control instead of accepting that her physical reactions and tolerances are real. And you deserve total control, why?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 19

RE: Looking for help/mentoring/guidance - 2/6/2009 5:04:55 PM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

I agree that having an outside Dominant (regarless of gender) pulls things out of perspective for her... is her 'additional submission' something she is doing for you or something she is giving you to protect her needs being met elsewhere?

I have had a few girls desire SM play with a female Domme, and in several cases I have found a female Domme I get along with and we would do sessions with her togehter. This does not need to be sexual at all between the two Dom/mes if that is a concern. Her attitude of servitude should be directed to you (her life partner) and the torture/play can come from the Domme (her play partner). This way when she is experiencing the high of playing with the Domme she is associating directly with you...

Beyond that... reread Merc's post... that was good stuff...

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Looking for help/mentoring/guidance

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.113