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Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:09:33 AM

twistedpyxie

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

I've started to come to terms with my own submissive desires and natures as a very real part of who I am and now I relate to people, especially in close relationships (in other areas of my life I'm really independant- it's essential to me to have that). However, figuring this out and coming to terms with it is really, really scary in a lot of ways.

You see, this aspect of my personality is something I've fought with a lot, and for very good reasons. In close relationships, with people I trust, I'll do anything for them. I want to make them happy, I want to take care of them and do whatever I can for them.
This has gotten me royally messed about in the past. Seriously. I don't want to go into details, but some really horrible situations that could have seriously screwed up my life permanently. Now, that was ages ago, I've gotten my life back together, etcetcetc. But I've steered pretty clear of any kind of vulnerability since then.

So my question, worry, concern is how I can be involved in this without risking allowing someone to take advantage of me, walk all over me, mess me up? How do you tell the difference? How do you make sure you're being healthy about it?

Post #: 1

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:14:05 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

I would suggest you start light, nobody has to dive right into a total slave role. Ans always keep in mind what Ms. Crow said.....If it makes you happy.....

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 2

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:25:46 AM

Heinz

Posts: 65
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline

Greetings from Holland :)
My advice;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Sart slowly, make good apointments and or sure that your partner has the samen desires.

Heinz

_____________________________

Heinz, from Holland (Europe)

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 3

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:49:14 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

So my question, worry, concern is how I can be involved in this without risking allowing someone to take advantage of me, walk all over me, mess me up? How do you tell the difference? How do you make sure you're being healthy about it?

I think that it is most important to know who you are and what is important to you.....I mean really know. Search your soul and ask yourself what it is that you are looking to get out of this to be fulfilled. What are the qualities in a partner that you find most important...and what are the ones that are deal breakers for you.

Communication between yourself and potential partners is vital. Don't be afraid to say what you are looking for.....or what you are not. Being submissive does not mean that you have to compromise your own integrity to be involved. It does not mean that you have to be a sheep led blindly.

Above all else....be choosy, you're worth it. Don't be submissive to everyone who calls themself Dominant. Get to know people on the level of one person to another....not submissive to Dominant. There will be plenty of time for that once you have determined if this person is the kind of human being you have an attraction to and has the qualities that you can respect.

Don't be afraid to say no. Just because you are submissive does not mean you cannot still use that word....and mean it. If someone you encounter is not what you are looking for...or is pushing you faster than you want to be pushed....say no. Make sure that you understand your own boundaries and make sure you communicate those boundaries to potential partners.

Don't be in a hurry. Keep your eyes open, your wits about you....and have fun.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 4

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:53:27 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

i felt the same way... the how do i do this and avoid that.
i went slow, read alot, hung out here on the boards and took a bit of information from everyone if i could apply it to me. then an odd thing started to happen... i noticed myself becoming much more comfortable in my submission yet also much more comfotable in my strength. at some point i think we find peace. i'll wish you an easy ride along the way...........

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 5

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 6:17:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedpyxie
So my question, worry, concern is how I can be involved in this without risking allowing someone to take advantage of me, walk all over me, mess me up? How do you tell the difference? How do you make sure you're being healthy about it?

Go slow. Go slow. Go slow.

Take regular check ups "Is this serving me and making me more fulfilled in myself?"

GO slow.

Stand true to yourself, people will do and say anything they can to make you doubt yourself so they can get what they want. Before you can start to get involved with someone, be strong in what you know you want and don't settle.

And OMG you live in Cork. I attended UCC for my study abroad and held the first Cork munch in 01.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 6

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 10:37:07 AM

twistedpyxie

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

*taking notes*

So, what ye're all saying, basically, is to take it nice and slow, don't jump into anything, and be all sensible about it? I guess this is a bad time to mention my other rather strong personality traits of being incredibly impulsive and diving into new things headfirst.. guess they'll have to stay on hold for a little while... dag nabbit..

*sets mobile phone to beep me every five minutes with an alarm reminding me about that patience business*

Seriously, though, all your advice makes a lot of sense. I'm trying to learn as much as I can from here- and even in the couple of weeks I've been here I have read about so many things, and even lurking about is helping a whole bunch, both in figuring out where I'd like to be, and in giving me that little bit more confidence- there's a lot of nifty people here of all kinds, which is always good.

On the other hand, it's kinda hard for me to figure out exactly what it is I'm looking for, when I have practically no experience. Know what I mean? I've done a bunch of figuring out, in general, but there's no way to know without just getting out there and trying stuff?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 10:40:40 AM

twistedpyxie

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And OMG you live in Cork. I attended UCC for my study abroad and held the first Cork munch in 01.

Seriously? I go to UCC! What did you do here?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 10:48:30 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

On the other hand, it's kinda hard for me to figure out exactly what it is I'm looking for, when I have practically no experience. Know what I mean? I've done a bunch of figuring out, in general, but there's no way to know without just getting out there and trying stuff?

Yup, know exactly what you mean. But, you do know the kinds of qualities that you find in other people that are important to you. Start there. At least that way you will know that when you move on to trying the other stuff...you will be doing it with a person who you have a basic interest in and respect for.

I am sure that you have heard the term "Work smarter, not harder". The same really applies here. Just keep in mind the things that are important to you....listen to your inner voice and do the things that feel right...don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing things that you don't feel ready for. I am not saying that you need to drive yourself crazy overthinking everything....because that truly would take all of the fun out of it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 9

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 11:13:11 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedpyxie
On the other hand, it's kinda hard for me to figure out exactly what it is I'm looking for, when I have practically no experience. Know what I mean? I've done a bunch of figuring out, in general, but there's no way to know without just getting out there and trying stuff?

You know what you've been doing hasn't been working for you. You know that you need to start using your head and not your heart so much. You know that you need to figure things out BEFORE you commit to them, you need to trust people because they have shown themselves to be trustworthy, not because you really really WANT to trust them and be happy and smooshy and secure...only to have it fall at your feet and get hurt again.

Love and relationships IS a pain, you WILL get disappointed and hurt by them. But that doesn't mean it's all bad and that you should be carrying bucketloads of angst and "I'll never be happy and I'm too afraid to love" at your age.

Enjoy yourself, and don't build unrealistic expectations. It's good that you're actively exploring and figuring things out. Just don't even consider a serious commitment for at least 6months.

Oh and I studied at UCC *duh* Mostly philosophy and American cinema. And I spent a LOT of time at the Gate.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 10

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 12:49:40 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I think that it is most important to know who you are and what is important to you.....I mean really know. Search your soul and ask yourself what it is that you are looking to get out of this to be fulfilled. What are the qualities in a partner that you find most important...and what are the ones that are deal breakers for you.

Communication between yourself and potential partners is vital. Don't be afraid to say what you are looking for.....or what you are not. Being submissive does not mean that you have to compromise your own integrity to be involved. It does not mean that you have to be a sheep led blindly.

Above all else....be choosy, you're worth it. Don't be submissive to everyone who calls themself Dominant. Get to know people on the level of one person to another....not submissive to Dominant. There will be plenty of time for that once you have determined if this person is the kind of human being you have an attraction to and has the qualities that you can respect.

Don't be afraid to say no. Just because you are submissive does not mean you cannot still use that word....and mean it. If someone you encounter is not what you are looking for...or is pushing you faster than you want to be pushed....say no. Make sure that you understand your own boundaries and make sure you communicate those boundaries to potential partners.

Don't be in a hurry. Keep your eyes open, your wits about you....and have fun.

That is excellent advice. The only additional thing to do I would suggest is, every so often. Sit down with just yourself and look upon your life as you were a stranger. Anything wrong with it? If so, you need to make a change. If not, proceed on with caution.
When I first learned of the lifestyle I had a brother and sister who were both submissive. Didn't know it of course. Both had chosen abuser's to be with. So, I was very much in the same position you are in today. I tried to change who I was for many year's. Only in the end to realize you are who you are. All you can do is embrace it and be as smart as you can.
I've been with my dom almost 7 year's now. Once a month or so I still stand back and look at my life as if I were on the outside looking in. Just to be sure, I'm safe.
Even though I trust him with my life, he doesn't know the intricate parts of me within. So, he also can make mistakes a long the way.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 11

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/13/2006 5:55:02 PM

IceyOne

Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

So my question, worry, concern is how I can be involved in this without risking allowing someone to take advantage of me, walk all over me, mess me up? How do you tell the difference? How do you make sure you're being healthy about it?

As with anything you do in life that involves risk...you take your time, assess each and every situation carefully, and lay down some ground rules for yourself to follow. Know where your weaknesses are, and work at making them strengths instead.

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 12

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/14/2006 6:13:22 AM

Slaveless1

Posts: 105
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline

As with most things in life take it easy and if it feels right to you then go with it. Ask yourself if it seems like the person is being pushy and wants things now, I would say be careful. It takes time to gain a subs trust and so it should be with you. Impatient are we???? I would have so much fun with that trait.....

Just be careful and take it slow, ask questions, learn and have fun...

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 13

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/14/2006 10:40:12 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: twistedpyxie

*taking notes*

So, what ye're all saying, basically, is to take it nice and slow, don't jump into anything, and be all sensible about it? I guess this is a bad time to mention my other rather strong personality traits of being incredibly impulsive and diving into new things headfirst.. guess they'll have to stay on hold for a little while... dag nabbit..
*sets mobile phone to beep me every five minutes with an alarm reminding me about that patience business*

Seriously, though, all your advice makes a lot of sense. I'm trying to learn as much as I can from here- and even in the couple of weeks I've been here I have read about so many things, and even lurking about is helping a whole bunch, both in figuring out where I'd like to be, and in giving me that little bit more confidence- there's a lot of nifty people here of all kinds, which is always good.

On the other hand, it's kinda hard for me to figure out exactly what it is I'm looking for, when I have practically no experience. Know what I mean? I've done a bunch of figuring out, in general, but there's no way to know without just getting out there and trying stuff?

All of the advice given so far is right on. There is another tool that I think would be quite appropriate and it's something that I've not seen mentioned and something that I think is very important for those new to the lifestyle, that's a mentor.

Someone that you trust to help guide you on your journey. Someone that you would trust with your desires, your needs from a relationship. This way the mentor would be able to help you with your admitted impulsiveness and keep you in check, as well as being able to help you weed out the "healthy" from the "not so healthy" doms and switches. This mentor can be your safe call when meeting someone from the internet. They can also assist you with scene negotiations as well as being your safety monitor when you are playing with someone in your local community. There are a million and one uses for a mentor, and they can be an invaluable source of information to someone that's new to the lifestyle, or someone that's not so new either.

Mentoring is a concept used in many cultures and lifestyles although not always termed as such, sometimes they are also called "sponsors". The idea is that you have someone who has no emotional stake in the outcome of your journey, but does have an emotional connection to you and genuinely cares for you as a person. You should choose a long time and respected sub or even a Dom with which there would be no chance of a romantic relationship i.e. same sex hetero Dom, or opposite sex homo Dom so that there are no reasons to suspect ulterior motives.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to twistedpyxie)

Post #: 14

RE: Submissive vs getting messed around.. - 1/14/2006 2:30:42 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

Welcome twistedpyxie,

i can relate very well to your feelings and the fears of coming to terms with your decision to admit your submissive needs. i have just recently done am am still going throught the very same thing.

i recently "came out of the closet" in this regard, and was amazed at how difficult and somewhat terrifying that was for me. i have always carried myself externally as a dominant and most others in my life naturally relate to me in that way. While i have had strong feelings all of my life, and consider myself very open minded, i really struggled with openly admitting my truth. i am still curious about this and am continuing to "observe myself."

Your question, it seems to me, is far more global than D/s, BDSM specific. i hear you asking "so how can I now be in a relationship that i desire and be safe and protected from harm?"

i am afraid that the only possible answer, if i am hearing this correctly, is to hide yourself away in a clock tower

.

i could re-phrase the question this way "How can I guarantee no one will ever hurt me again?"

As far as i know, nobody is handing out such guarantees. Not in this life. To live, to truly live your dreams and desires, is largely about risk. No mater which facet of your humanness we may discuss.

i would suggest to you that you just be as natural as possible. i share your "dive in and go all the way personality traits," additionally, i am also addicted to intimacy (in all its forms) and want so badly just to be loved. What a combination!

However, i have also learned many, many very important "lessons" so far during my lifetime. Lessons about human nature, my own shortcomings, my choices (this is the biggest one with regard to your original question IMHO), my attributes, (self) honesty, and the things that motivate people (among other things of course).

i have learned to trust my intuition (very reliable) and to be honest with myself regarding the people that are in my life. To admit the truth, even when it may not be what i want it to be. (Reality is what is actually happening, not what i think could, should, or would)

i have also found a definition for love that works for me. "To treat in a loving manner, with an outgoing care and concern for the well being of another (the beloved)

This is a pretty easy benchmark for me to use to judge the level of "safety" that i may expect when interacting with another, especially a potential Domme. If they do not have a loving personality, overall, then i should probably not think myself entirely safe from harm where they are concerned. That said, i can also be VERY hurt by the most loving person, by the very nature of life, and how these things sometimes go. For instance, She and i could be perfect for O/one another, but dredded "timing" could ruin everything. Because i feel my feelings "intently" i would be hurt as a result.

So, what am i attempting to tell you? Go and live darling! LIVE! The alternatives are far too bleak for one with your sensibilities

michael

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 15

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