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Asking advice - 1/13/2006 7:17:55 PM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Hello to all. I apologize for having stayed off the boards so long. I read them but was practicing listening. Seems I could have done a better job yet. I've done something really dumb to the Mistress and I'd like to ask for any advice you might choose to offer.

Sometimes I become very insecure about the relationship we have. It's been hard as the Mistress is currently halfway across the country and things have been in an extended state of flux for quite a few months now. Normally, she is very warm and reassuring, but I tend to over-analyze conversations afterwards and sometimes it keeps me from "hearing" what she's said properly. I think I've understood her, but I haven't. On top of that, she's been terribly stressed lately too.

So, what did I do? Last week I wrote her a letter, mostly just because I wanted to tell her how very special she is. It was originally meant to be supportive; however, I realized after I mailed it that the timing was way off and my insecurity was probably
going to scream from the letter. Since then I've not been allowed to speak to her. It's appropriate punishment for running off at the mouth or pen. Still part of me is going insane because the lack of communication means I don't know if she's alright, part of me wants to cry because I upset her, pushed her to this point, and part of me is desperate to fix it.

The last is what I'd like to ask help with because I'd like to do more than apologize. She truly is worthy of much better behavior. I'd like to offer amends if she'll have them, but I don't know what to do. If you have any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated. If you know of any way for me to control the insecurity better, that would be wonderful as well.

Thank you for your advice on this matter.

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Happy "Swamp Thing"

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 5:37:38 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
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IMO, you're wasting your time in this long distance relationship, as it appears she feels the need to "punish" you by not communicating. Communication is the significant part of a long distance relationship, and to cut this off is ending the relationship, in my eyes. In "long distance" (or any type of relationship for that matter)...there's no point in continuing with someone that won't talk things out.

Harsh and blunt...but move onto someone nearer to you, and enjoy someone that will not cut you off, as a form of punishment. Communication is the key component to any relationship. Without...you have nothing anyway, right?

K

(in reply to softandshy)

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 6:02:15 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan

IMO, you're wasting your time in this long distance relationship, as it appears she feels the need to "punish" you by not communicating. Communication is the significant part of a long distance relationship, and to cut this off is ending the relationship, in my eyes. In "long distance" (or any type of relationship for that matter)...there's no point in continuing with someone that won't talk things out.

Harsh and blunt...but move onto someone nearer to you, and enjoy someone that will not cut you off, as a form of punishment. Communication is the key component to any relationship. Without...you have nothing anyway, right?

K

I agree.

Communication is the one thing I would never, ever deny to anyone I wanted to continue in a relationship with.

Now if you were in the same town and she said "no scenes for a week" but you both still talked, I'd personally consider that a fair punishment depending on the reason for it.

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 6:18:15 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

I rewrote a response to this a couple times, but I think I'll keep it simple.

Suffice to say, I've been on the receiving end of this - the domme that was the object of affection of a very emotionally insecure submissive.

My advice on the inevitable parting to him was that he needed to do two things if he wanted to be in a happy productive relationship - one, consider getting counseling about how to keep his emotions under control instead of letting them take him on a downward spiral (the only direction it EVER heads) because no relationship would live up to what was needed to keep those emotions on a "high", and two, find a relationship with someone that could give him some resemblance of the time and attention he needed - no long distance, no workaholics, no poly.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 1/14/2006 6:19:50 AM >

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~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 6:59:37 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softandshy

Hello to all. I apologize for having stayed off the boards so long. I read them but was practicing listening. Seems I could have done a better job yet. I've done something really dumb to the Mistress and I'd like to ask for any advice you might choose to offer.

Sometimes I become very insecure about the relationship we have. It's been hard as the Mistress is currently halfway across the country and things have been in an extended state of flux for quite a few months now. Normally, she is very warm and reassuring, but I tend to over-analyze conversations afterwards and sometimes it keeps me from "hearing" what she's said properly. I think I've understood her, but I haven't. On top of that, she's been terribly stressed lately too.

So, what did I do? Last week I wrote her a letter, mostly just because I wanted to tell her how very special she is. It was originally meant to be supportive; however, I realized after I mailed it that the timing was way off and my insecurity was probably
going to scream from the letter. Since then I've not been allowed to speak to her. It's appropriate punishment for running off at the mouth or pen. Still part of me is going insane because the lack of communication means I don't know if she's alright, part of me wants to cry because I upset her, pushed her to this point, and part of me is desperate to fix it.

The last is what I'd like to ask help with because I'd like to do more than apologize. She truly is worthy of much better behavior. I'd like to offer amends if she'll have them, but I don't know what to do. If you have any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated. If you know of any way for me to control the insecurity better, that would be wonderful as well.

Thank you for your advice on this matter.

First, I have to say that I agree with the women that posted before me, IMO they are spot on in their assesment and advice.

Second, I would like to point out that the M/s relationship can be precarious when either of the two have codependency issues. softandshy, you say that you caused Her to be upset, you pushed Her to this point, you don't know if She's alright, and you want to fix Her. You are not responsible for Her reactions or Her feelings, you can't fix anyone but yourself.

Further, She is the dominant here and, as such, completely in control of the situation as well as Herself.

We are only hearing one side of the story, so I can't make any comment on whether or not the punishment was appropriate.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to softandshy)

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 7:28:26 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Communication is the significant part of a long distance relationship, and to cut this off is ending the relationship, in my eyes.

I had a long distance relationship for a couple of years and on the rare occasion that she acted up... generally on IM or in a chatroom... I did put her on ignore (which was highly effective).. but, and this is the biggie.. it was never for more then 15 to 20 minutes and each time it happened there was someone there that she could talk to and could relay to me if she was truly getting too upset. Afterwards we discussed her behavior and why it happened the way it did.

I have seen so many instances where a sub is told not to talk to the dominant for two weeks or longer... I don't get it. Communication is so important to me and mine. I can see taking a night off and telling the sub not to contact me for 24 hours and when they do they need to have thought about what happened and we would HAVE to discuss how to avoid it in the future.

Having said that I have to agree... it seems like she has other things going on and sees this as just to much drama to deal with. Trying to see things from all angles when you don't know the whole story is hard. If I were you I would ask her straight out if she wishes to continue this relationship or not.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 8:05:53 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

1. Apologize and acknowledge your insecurities in the apology. You'll never know whether She reads it or not, but writing the apology will be a learning process.

2. Accept the fact that the long distance AND your insecurities were unavoidable. The long distance and your insecurities were synergistic and fueled one another. What a trap to set for yourself! Don't DO that!

3. Open yourself to new options and possibilites. Understand that this relationship as you knew it is changed, and over. Start that long process of finding someone new.

4. Learn from this episode. A. Don't connect with a new potential partner if they are long distance. B. Don't give in to your insecurities next time.

5. Learn how to NOT HIT SEND. It's a difficult lesson; particularly when you have real, abiding insecurities and tend to indulge them. Next time, save the email. Read it the next day. Edit the hell out of it. Save it another day. If you MUST send it two days later at least it won't alienate your potential partner to the extent that they cut off all communication. Most of the time, if you save and edit two days after the fact, you'll end up deleting it anyway. YOU are in control of what you communicate!

6. When this fails again a time or two, start at number one and repeat.

Good luck to you, best regards.

Texas Maam

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RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 1:29:11 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

part of me wants to cry because I upset her, pushed her to this point, and part of me is desperate to fix it.

May i suggest that you integrate all of your "parts?" i think the correct instructions to accomplish this have been elequently described by the kind Dommes above.

Become one, and then offer that one to Her.

(Happiness is an inside job - with outside help)
michael

(in reply to TexasMaam)

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Post #: 8

RE: Asking advice - 1/14/2006 4:54:22 PM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for your responses. You've shared much of value.

While walking away is certainly an option, I don't know that I'm quite ready for that yet. I do not like to do that with things unsettled. If it is requested of me, then I will and without fuss, but if given a choice I prefer to know what went wrong and why first. Should it become necessary to leave, I will look for someone near to me when I am ready.

Insecurity is something I'm very aware of because I have gotten help in the past. There has been a fair amount of reason for it recently. No one, the Mistress included, has been settled in the relationship for some time due primarily to outside reasons. That still doesn't explain everything, but revealing more would mean possibly exposing her (the situation is sufficiently unusual to merit recognition where she is known) and I do still respect her enough to keep from doing that. Even insecurity with reason can be draining though. I don't believe it's abnormal at this point, simply undesired.

I did take the time to ask if she would like to continue the relationship, and to apologize. I will also be taking Texas Maam's advice to heart. Points five and six are especially salient. I wish I had read the responses before I wrote the apology and question.