Potential Meetings (Full Version)

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Veritasluxmea -> Potential Meetings (1/13/2006 11:18:19 PM)

I just had a question since I am relatively new to the lifestyle.

I've gotten many invitations to meet with people and would really like to actually maybe try one or two, since you never get anywhere without trying things first, right? So, what kind of precautions do I need to take? I want to make sure that I'm going to be safe, but, I also really want to do this.

And, how do I find places to meet people like myself in conservative Western Michigan? I'm so lost. Thanks for all the opinions!



LadyMorgynn -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 12:01:41 AM)

First off, unless you both belong to a local BDSM organization where you can safely meet with others present.... then you want to meet first in a PUBLIC, vanilla venue. I would suggest meeting in a place where YOU are known... a cafe or restaurant that you habitually frequent. Know his name and full contact information, and leave that with someone and make sure he knows that at least one other person knows whom you are meeting, and when and where. Set up a call-back wtih that person, so that after, say one hour, you call her/him to check in and let them know you are fine and safe. What I often do is arrive early at the selected spot, and explain to the waitress that I am meeting someone for the first time off the internet. I am not a coffee drinker, so I set it up that, if I ask her for a cup of coffee, she should wait a few minutes, then come to tell me I have an urgent call from my daughter. Taht way if the meeting is not going well, if things are awkward or I feel nervous or even scared of the man, I have a graceful way out.

If things DO go well, plan to meet him again in a vanilla setting before any play, so you can talk about limits, expectations, etc.

I'm sure there are things I left out, I've gotten less cautious about meeting people since recognizing and acknowledging my Inner Rottweiler <chuckle>

Morgynn



Slaveless1 -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 6:07:37 AM)

I would say to most defintely meet ina public forum that your comfortable with. I would even have a freind or two there at a different table or area. I have asked the portential sub to make sure she is at ease to even bring someone she trusts to the first meeting. I make sure she knows that it is her welfare I am concerned with and to show respect to her feelings. the second can be alone but still i have let it be known that if she feels more comfortable with onther there than by all means have them be present.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 6:54:40 AM)

Both of these responses are very good and on par with what most people do. What Lady Morgynn does with the waitress is new to me and I think it's really iffy. What if she goes on break or her shift ends? Call backs with a trusted, close friend is what I recommend to any one I meet. And if you really want to be cloak and dagger, set up Morgynns waitress deal with your friend. That way you know the person pulling you out is reliable. As for organizations, maybe this will help:

www.darkheart.com/usalist.html (cut and paste where needed)

Good luck and be safe.



IceyOne -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 6:56:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Veritasluxmea

I just had a question since I am relatively new to the lifestyle.

I've gotten many invitations to meet with people and would really like to actually maybe try one or two, since you never get anywhere without trying things first, right? So, what kind of precautions do I need to take? I want to make sure that I'm going to be safe, but, I also really want to do this.

And, how do I find places to meet people like myself in conservative Western Michigan? I'm so lost. Thanks for all the opinions!


Make sure that you meet in a PUBLIC place that YOU are familiar with. Do not let him/her convince you that taking them back to your place or to a hotel is the proper thing to do next. Arrange with a family member or friend to have a safe call set up...where you call them at a certain time, or they call you. Make sure someone else knows that you are meeting someone new, tell there where, tell them who it is ( name, address, phone number, physical description etc ) Sometimes, I would even go so far, if they lived close enough and were driving, to get their plate number; but if you do that, make sure you check it against other information that may have been offered to you.
Basically, just use good common sense, if it feels wrong, then it's wrong...if something seems too good to be true while with him/her, then it probably is, and if you feel like you are being presured to comply with something that you don't feel comfortable with yet, leave. It is not rude, or disrespectful...it's smart.



perfection20005 -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 7:03:08 AM)

I just had to add that western Michigan isn't as conservative as you think. I grew up there, you just have to know how to find the right people! Good luck, and have fun meeting different people. Just be safe and take all the advice you are given.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 7:37:07 AM)

I would say first and foremost always trust your instincts. Then always meet in a very public place and I have to agree with the safe call. Have a friend or family member either call you or you call them and set up a safe word.. something that doesn't normally come up in conversation. For example, when my unmentionable were young they had a safe word in case I needed a friend to pick them up from school, if my "friend" didn't say the safe word they were not to go with them. In this instance, you would be the one to say the safe word, if you don't your friend or family member would know something was wrong and call in the cavalry. I know it seems extreme... but better safe then sorry. And like others have said... no matter how alluring they may seem, no matter how perfect it may seem... think long and hard before going somewhere private with them on the first face to face. Most will expect it and respect it.

Jewel



LadyMorgynn -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 8:33:50 AM)

Well, no not iffy, because remember this is a place where I am *known* and my waitress would be a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance, and would check in with me before going on break, etc. It's actually worked quite well.... partly because my waitress friends tend to hover a bit more, out of curiosity :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Both of these responses are very good and on par with what most people do. What Lady Morgynn does with the waitress is new to me and I think it's really iffy. What if she goes on break or her shift ends?




wiccawolf -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 9:20:48 AM)

I'm fairly new to 'this' scene, but not to meeting people from online - typically, as a male, it's not nearly as critical to have that escape plan as it is for women - but I have seen some very good ones. Typically, around here anyhow, the initial meetings are always something that will be short in duration & public (like, just how long CAN you sit at a Starbucks anyway? after an hour usually both of you are going to want to leave). This way, unlike a full-blown dinner, if it is not going well there is no huge time commitment, and it is a good time to leave after you finish your coffee. If you want to leave, and the person you are meeting cannot respect that, it's a red-flag anyhow. And, if things are going really well, the meeting can always continue on to a dinner (guys should have something in mind already in case it DOES go well). The other thing that is common is the 30-minute rescue phone call - this is kinda standard, everyone knows about it lol. And the other thing I have seen that works well is the 'have something pressing that you have to do right after the date' technique - so there is a time cap and it nulls worries about being pressured into going too far - such as, women will - in advance - say they have to either 'give someone a ride' or 'go to the office' or 'Their folks are staying at thier place' type of thing and will only have 1 or 2 hours tops for the date. If all goes well, they set up the next available time before leaving (if you use this though, and the excuse if a fake, commit to it or you'll appear too dishonest right off the bat).

Whatever you use as an 'out', the guy will probably be aware that it is such, and should respect it for a first meeting especially. If they can't respect that, or don't understand it's necessity, then again, it's a red-flag. It's just one of those things, no matter how cool a person is online and on the phone, meeting in real-life is just different.

And, it is good to meet people in real-life - you can tell only so much online, and, pre-internet remember, all inititial meetings were in person. Meeting someone at a bar is still like that, there is just a lot of stigma attached to web-based meetings, but it really doesn't change anything - but just like in a bar you have to use your head and safety-nets.

Just my two cents...



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 10:21:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wiccawolf

I'm fairly new to 'this' scene, but not to meeting people from online - typically, as a male, it's not nearly as critical to have that escape plan as it is for women - but I have seen some very good ones.


I do realize you wrote "typically," but want to point out that it is just as critical for men, to take the same precautions, as women, when meeting someone. No one sex is immune to the crazies. It is a fallacy for men to think they are safer, just because they are "a man."

To the OP, there are groups "up north" and I'll see what I can find for you.

K



veronicaofML -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 10:24:33 AM)

any cafe/restaurant/coffeeshop...etc
something--IN PUBLIC---out in the open.

best wishes



cloudboy -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 10:57:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

any cafe/restaurant/coffeeshop...etc
something--IN PUBLIC---out in the open.

best wishes



What's wrong with, "When the clock strikes midnight and the moon is full, meet me under the Weeping Willow, naked, handcuffed, and blind folded."



littleone35 -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 2:50:51 PM)

I cannot really add much but to also say make sure it is a public place and a safe call is always a great idea. i have met a few and it is always on my own turf. I have been lucky they have all been prety normal. My best advice to you is be safe and have fun. Good luck.

littleone



yourMissTress -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/14/2006 3:18:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veritasluxmea

I just had a question since I am relatively new to the lifestyle.

I've gotten many invitations to meet with people and would really like to actually maybe try one or two, since you never get anywhere without trying things first, right? So, what kind of precautions do I need to take? I want to make sure that I'm going to be safe, but, I also really want to do this.

And, how do I find places to meet people like myself in conservative Western Michigan? I'm so lost. Thanks for all the opinions!




There is a tool that I think would be quite appropriate and it's something that I've not seen mentioned and something that I think is very important for those new to the lifestyle, that's a mentor.

Someone that you trust to help guide you on your journey. Someone that you would trust with your desires, your needs from a relationship. This way the mentor would be able to help you and keep you in check, as well as being able to help you weed out the "healthy" from the "not so healthy" doms and switches. This mentor can be your safe call when meeting someone from the internet. They can also assist you with scene negotiations as well as being your safety monitor when you are playing with someone in your local community. There are a million and one uses for a mentor, and they can be an invaluable source of information to someone that's new to the lifestyle, or someone that's not so new either.

Mentoring is a concept used in many cultures and lifestyles although not always termed as such, sometimes they are also called "sponsors". The idea is that you have someone who has no emotional stake in the outcome of your journey, but does have an emotional connection to you and genuinely cares for you as a person. You should choose a long time and respected sub or even a Dom with which there would be no chance of a romantic relationship i.e. same sex hetero Dom, or opposite sex homo Dom so that there are no reasons to suspect ulterior motives.



MysticalPhoenix -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/15/2006 6:06:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Veritasluxmea

And, how do I find places to meet people like myself in conservative Western Michigan? I'm so lost. Thanks for all the opinions!


Depending on where you live in Western Michigan-Grand Rapids area or the Kalamazoo area, both have active munch groups who get together in public restaurants, and the group up in GR does classes and such.

Please feel free to drop me an email and I'll send you the links to the mailing lists.

Phoenix



dplayswell -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/15/2006 8:36:16 PM)

Get to know them first. Are they someone that you like and respect? Do you feel a conection. Don't go with your first find if you are missing those things. There are lots of Doms out there. Take your time and get the best one for you rather than the first one that can fulfill your needs. If you take the time to know them, you'll weed out those "red flag" disasters.

d



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/16/2006 4:47:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Veritasluxmea

And, how do I find places to meet people like myself in conservative Western Michigan?



http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MichiganMunches/



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Potential Meetings (1/16/2006 6:16:02 AM)

For new people:

Meet someone in a public restaurant near where you live. Try and arrive first and leave last.

The urge to play right after you meet might be very strong...this may or may not be a good idea, you have to choose on a case by case basis. As always, if you choose out of fear, then it's probably the wrong choice.

Let someone know where you are going and when to expect you back. This can be nothing more than "I'm going to dinner at Don Pablos, I should be back by midnight."

Anything more I consider overkill.



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