Safe word (Full Version)

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UnEnhibited -> Safe word (2/4/2009 7:43:06 AM)

I have caused my sub to use her safe word. she expressed joy when her pain was high yet she backed off when it became too much. I am new to this and i wonder if i have done a bad thing by making her use her safe word? and how open can i be here when describing things?



colouredin -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:46:27 AM)

Be as open as you like.

There is nothing wrong with someone safewording, if you stopped then it means that the trust will be there that in future you will stop. You should learn from it, how you went to far how her body reacted when it became too much so that next time it doesnt get to the stage where she has to safeword.

From personal experience having to safeword is hard on the s-type I tend to feel like a failure, so I really recomend talking it through with her. Ask what she felt and feels and what pushed her to use it.



T1981 -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:47:53 AM)

As long as you backed off once the safeword was used, and keep in mind the level of intensity you were at when she safeworded, you should be fine. After all, that's what they are there for.



UnEnhibited -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:50:14 AM)

well as soon as she did i asked her what went too far and she explained it to me. i did stop imediately. it was a little hard to but i did. but again i just needed to know if it was a bad thing. thank you.



colouredin -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:51:58 AM)

No it wasnt, honest dont stress. Im glad that you stopped and I bet it is hard. But its a good gage to know where the limit is. Once you know that then you can be more careful about pushing it. [:D]



UnEnhibited -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:55:05 AM)

well i thought she was getting close but i wasnt sure i asked her something and she snapped an answer at me lol. And right after that she used it. i think i know her body language enough to know where her limit his but i told her it will take time to get to know eachother and we will both enjoy the trial and error.



colouredin -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:56:52 AM)

well having a suspician about it is half way there. So really it shows you to listen to your gut. When it gets to that point in future you dont have to stop just pull it back a bit.



UnEnhibited -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:58:08 AM)

thank you guys again.



peppermint -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 8:27:03 AM)

You have not done a bad thing...and she has done a wonderful thing and should be praised for using her safeword as it was intended to be used.  Being a new Dom you can trust that she will safe word when it's needed.  She now trusts that you will stop when she safe words.  A win win situation if I ever saw one.  Discussing it afterward was terrific.  



UnEnhibited -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 8:44:30 AM)

I think i am going to like this site. Thank you guys.



jakelogan01 -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 8:45:09 AM)

this is exactly the way safewords are suppossed to work



antipode -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 9:02:37 AM)

quote:

i wonder if i have done a bad thing by making her use her safe word


You've got me completely confuddled. What did you think it was for, if not for this?



DesFIP -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 9:14:16 AM)

Safewords are useful but they don't give enough information. On a scale of 1-10 you hit a ten on pain so she safeworded. Now you know she can't go that far. If you don't want to her to have to safeword and end things, start asking for feedback during.

Ask her where on the scale the pain is.

If it's a 3, then ramp it up. If it's a 9 you need to back off. Aim for a 7 if you are looking for a lot of pain she can endure without ending things before you're ready to stop.

She didn't fail you or herself by safewording, she just gave necessary information and taught you more about her.



CalifChick -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 9:16:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnEnhibited

i think i know her body language enough to know where her limit is but i told her it will take time to get to know eachother and we will both enjoy the trial and error.


I am confused by this sentence because the two statements contradict each other.  Obviously you do NOT know her body well enough to know where her limit is if you went past her limit and she safeworded.  Safewording is not a good thing or a bad thing, it just IS.

I'm curious as to why it was hard to stop.  She obviously said "enough"... why would you want to keep going, when your relationship is not to the "no safeword" stage??

It's good that you're here and questioning things, don't get me wrong... just don't fall into the trap of thinking you know her so well right now that you know better than she does when she has had enough.


Cali



NCNutCase -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 9:39:11 AM)

There is no harm in bringing her to use her safeword... and as stated above, the fact you backed off can give her confidence in the future.

When I push someone to the point of using their safeword, I promptly stop the pain play, step in and touch them. If it is an intimate partner I touch them lovingly and whisper caring words into their ear. This is to ensure they know using their safe word is not a bad thing and that their honest communication is appreciated.

For many 'pain sluts' their upper limits shifts during play. It's often a matter of the approach as much if not more than the top limit. So do not only note the instance she used her safeword, but be conscious of what happened previously. Some people will be able to handle higher pain limits when it is built up to without interuption, other's will be able to go further if there is an up and down process of increasing (picture waves on a graph). Some do better when the Dom verbally checks in giving them confidence they are being cared for while experiencing pain, while others are distracted by any verbal interuption.

You mentioned the key, be able to read body language. Learn which twitches means she loves that pain and which twitches means she is tolerating that pain... Then while mastering her body language, keep CalifChick's warning in mind and don't ever be overconfident that you know more than you do. Each 'scene' has a life of it's own and things like pain tolerance are forever fluctuating based on too many factors to list/think of.

Also, communication is the key. Definately give her confidence that she did not make a mistake or 'wimp out' by using her safe word.



Nitefalls1000 -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 5:09:38 PM)

learn from it learn her limits but ALWAYS honor a safe word



StrongSpirit -> RE: Safe word (2/4/2009 7:14:28 PM)

There are several different reasons to use safewords.  Nothing you did violated the intent of any of those reasons.

Note, several of the reasons to use safewords NEVER reach the 'no safeword stage'. 


P.S.  DesFIP, instructions are valid for the "topping from the bottom reason."   If you consider your job to provide the sub the experiences that she desires, then go with his advice.  



colouredin -> RE: Safe word (2/5/2009 2:11:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit


Note, several of the reasons to use safewords NEVER reach the 'no safeword stage'. 


P.S.  DesFIP, instructions are valid for the "topping from the bottom reason."


I was wondering what these two bits mean? Whats the topping from the bottom reason? Oh and StrongSpirit,  DesFIP is a woman.



MasterTslave -> RE: Safe word (2/5/2009 7:30:09 AM)

Master T tends to get a bit carried away at times (usually when we have an entire weekend to ourselves)...I have had to use my safe word in the past and will again in the future.  I know that he respects that safe word and he will stop or slow down/back off a bit if I use it or snap my fingers.  I know that he will help me or change the way he is doing things so that we can both have a great time.



DesFIP -> RE: Safe word (2/5/2009 2:38:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit
P.S.  DesFIP, instructions are valid for the "topping from the bottom reason."   If you consider your job to provide the sub the experiences that she desires, then go with his advice.  


I don't see how asking her for feedback so the scene ends before the top has had fulfillment is equivalent to the dreaded tftb.

And btw, I am both a female and a sub. But thankfully with a man who is secure enough to want full communication and greater info into what makes me tick so we have as few times as possible when things have to end abruptly. YMMV



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