RE: jealous sub (Full Version)

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mons -> RE: jealous sub (1/26/2006 2:20:17 AM)

well i wrote about the jealous sub oh it was not worth the time of day he was not for me i let him loose after i read and i did try to give him a chance to get himself in the right way but as many of you said get rid of him and i did so fast i am going on and yes i talking and have been a person iknow none of the problems he had wow i am just to strong for that crazy stuff lol thanks all so

mons



MizSuz -> RE: jealous sub (1/26/2006 6:20:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mons

what does anyone of the dmmes do with a jealous submissive answer fast please


mons




Release.



DelightMachine -> RE: jealous sub (1/26/2006 7:52:55 PM)

quote:

Release.


Release? What if you loved the sub, MizSuz? Is your dominance more important than your love? Would it be simple release in all cases or only in the circumstances that mons described in her later messages on this thread? Would you try to fix the situation first or just show him the door? My guess is that you'd be compassionate enough to slow things down before booting him because someone you let be your submissive would be pretty valuable in the first place. I don't think you would let junk be a submissive of yours, so he would have to be pretty valuable in the first place, so it wouldn't be wise to toss him out in a flash.

What if you were in love and the sub was new at being a submissive and wasn't prepared for jealousy that hit him like an oncoming train? D/s can put a lot of strain on a submissive when it comes to jealousy and it's hard to prepare for it until you start experiencing it. Your master or mistress can be playing around, intimately, with people who are better looking than you and better in many, many other ways. It's very hard not to feel jealous.

So a little compassion for the sub here, please.

This response sums up what was wrong with most of the responses from the mistresses. There are all types of different D/s relationships, so there can't be a cookie-cutter answer. Even mistresses often have different D/s relationships with different submissives.

I guess mons was asking what each individual mistress would do in her own circumstances. In that case the question is inadequate, because those relationships will be different in a lot of ways from whatever relationship she has with the submissive.

mons did the right thing by discussing the matter with her sub. I'd also suggest a cooling off period before completely dumping him -- if he's worth keeping in the first place, he's worth expending some patience on.

the idea that you throw away a submissive in these circumstances tells more about the mistresses here than about the submissive. And it isn't pretty.

I have a feeling, MizSuz, that even if some display of jealousy did make you instantly release the submissive, that wouldn't necessarily be the end of it. I think you'd be open to taking him back, and I think you'd discuss the matter.

Aren't you better than just "Release."?



MizSuz -> RE: jealous sub (2/13/2006 5:30:47 AM)

She asked for a fast reply, I gave her one.

As for my dominance being more important than my love, you are placing your own values on my actions and they do not apply.

My experience tells me that jealousy usually comes from fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of abandonment, fear of little purple people. In short, it's usually unresolved self esteem issues.

I'm not a therapist, I'm a woman with no interest in holding someone's hand while they find their self worth. A woman with enough experience to know that no one person has enough self esteem for two and trying to hold self esteem for someone without enough is a black hole of energy, emotion and compassion. Everything goes in, nothing comes out.

Love is a choice, contrary to the wildly popular notion that it's an emotion (which can be easily manipulated). Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they do not have the requisite self esteem to be in the sort of D/s relationship that could emotionally damage someone without self esteem then they have some steps they need to take BEFORE being involved in such a relationship. A dominant who can't recognize the reality of a situation because of their emotions is no dominant (to my thinking). It's because I am better than someone who is ruled by their emotional investment that I would release, regardless of how I felt. But then again, I'm a firm believer that someone who is controlled by their emotions still has a lot of maturation yet to go.

There is no rule that says a released person can't be a friend or that a woman who releases a sub can't continue to interact with them. I just happen to think that someone who is prone to jealousy isn't really ready for a committed d/s relationship (at least not the sort that I require) and I, personally, won't be involved at that level with same.

Release.





quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightMachine

quote:

Release.


Release? What if you loved the sub, MizSuz? Is your dominance more important than your love? Would it be simple release in all cases or only in the circumstances that mons described in her later messages on this thread? Would you try to fix the situation first or just show him the door? My guess is that you'd be compassionate enough to slow things down before booting him because someone you let be your submissive would be pretty valuable in the first place. I don't think you would let junk be a submissive of yours, so he would have to be pretty valuable in the first place, so it wouldn't be wise to toss him out in a flash.

What if you were in love and the sub was new at being a submissive and wasn't prepared for jealousy that hit him like an oncoming train? D/s can put a lot of strain on a submissive when it comes to jealousy and it's hard to prepare for it until you start experiencing it. Your master or mistress can be playing around, intimately, with people who are better looking than you and better in many, many other ways. It's very hard not to feel jealous.

So a little compassion for the sub here, please.

This response sums up what was wrong with most of the responses from the mistresses. There are all types of different D/s relationships, so there can't be a cookie-cutter answer. Even mistresses often have different D/s relationships with different submissives.

I guess mons was asking what each individual mistress would do in her own circumstances. In that case the question is inadequate, because those relationships will be different in a lot of ways from whatever relationship she has with the submissive.

mons did the right thing by discussing the matter with her sub. I'd also suggest a cooling off period before completely dumping him -- if he's worth keeping in the first place, he's worth expending some patience on.

the idea that you throw away a submissive in these circumstances tells more about the mistresses here than about the submissive. And it isn't pretty.

I have a feeling, MizSuz, that even if some display of jealousy did make you instantly release the submissive, that wouldn't necessarily be the end of it. I think you'd be open to taking him back, and I think you'd discuss the matter.

Aren't you better than just "Release."?





Sensualips -> RE: jealous sub (2/13/2006 6:05:41 AM)

quote:

Love is a choice, contrary to the wildly popular notion that it's an emotion


While I don't agree with the entire post of MizSuz, I have been repeating a form of the above for years. The potential to love is possible with many partners...but I choose who to actually "love" based on compatibility and willingness to commit to that relationship. Emotion and staes of mind are fleeting and ever changing. If you look at love as an emotion or even physical reaction, it seems pretty ridiculous to promise you will love someone always. It is like promising to forever be angry or happy or content or hungry. You have to have the emotional reaction and connectiveness, but choosing to build on that is what turns it into love imo.

Which has little to do with jealousy, but I got sidetracked.



MizSuz -> RE: jealous sub (2/13/2006 7:08:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

quote:

Love is a choice, contrary to the wildly popular notion that it's an emotion


While I don't agree with the entire post of MizSuz, I have been repeating a form of the above for years. The potential to love is possible with many partners...but I choose who to actually "love" based on compatibility and willingness to commit to that relationship. Emotion and staes of mind are fleeting and ever changing. If you look at love as an emotion or even physical reaction, it seems pretty ridiculous to promise you will love someone always. It is like promising to forever be angry or happy or content or hungry. You have to have the emotional reaction and connectiveness, but choosing to build on that is what turns it into love imo.

Which has little to do with jealousy, but I got sidetracked.



I very much agree. For a long time I've been saying "Love is a verb, not a noun; if it's not in action and being given then it's not love, it's biochemistry."

I suppose I've given everyone the impression that I'm some heartless bitch that requires emotional perfection from everyone - and to some extent that's probably true (I can be pretty heartless when I think it's warranted). I recognize that our lifestyle choices often tend to magnify things, especially emotions and issues. I also recognize that with the proper amount of compassion, properly applied, often these issues can be worked through to everyone involved's benefit.

My response to the OP was based on my own experience and what I know about the sort of relationships I prefer to have. I tell people with low self esteem to give me a very wide berth, proximity to me can be damaging because I have very little empathy for someone who is stuck in their issue and not doing what they need to do to work through it. Think of it as 'tough love.' I also know that it's significantly harder to love someone enough to refuse to play along with their drama than it is to 'stick with it' and enable the B.S. to continue.

If the submissive originally posted about is acting out his/her jealousy then it's likely that person doesn't have the skills to acknowledge that they are feeling fear and insecurity. Addressing the jealousy will never work because it's not the issue, it's the symptom. Only the person who is experiencing this can address the issue.

Having been there more than once I know that the best response is to refuse to engage and let the person work through it.

But the OP didn't ask me that, she just said "what would you do?" My position stands. I'd release and hope that this person, who I probably found very special to begin with, is able to work through it in the hopes that we can reunite at a time when it can be good for BOTH of us under OUR terms.



seaturtle50 -> RE: jealous sub (2/13/2006 9:00:01 AM)

quote:

Love is a choice, contrary to the wildly popular notion that it's an emotion (which can be easily manipulated).


i have found that love between two adults is rather a process. It is a feeling with biochemical aspects first, then in time it becomes a decision.

To "fall in love" is a feeling. To stand in love is a decision, a conscious choice made. The later requires maturity, and imho is best when served with a healthy side of the feelings that started the process in the first place.

st50



DelightMachine -> RE: jealous sub (2/20/2006 4:49:13 PM)

quote:

I suppose I've given everyone the impression that I'm some heartless bitch that requires emotional perfection from everyone - and to some extent that's probably true (I can be pretty heartless when I think it's warranted).


I've read a bunch of your posts, even before joining CollarMe and I find it hard to believe. I could be wrong, but I think it would have come out. You know, you can *still* be a cruel mistress even if you're not heartless. [;)]

quote:

I recognize that our lifestyle choices often tend to magnify things, especially emotions and issues. I also recognize that with the proper amount of compassion, properly applied, often these issues can be worked through to everyone involved's benefit.

My response to the OP was based on my own experience and what I know about the sort of relationships I prefer to have. I tell people with low self esteem to give me a very wide berth, proximity to me can be damaging because I have very little empathy for someone who is stuck in their issue and not doing what they need to do to work through it. Think of it as 'tough love.' I also know that it's significantly harder to love someone enough to refuse to play along with their drama than it is to 'stick with it' and enable the B.S. to continue.


Okay, depending on the circumstances, this could be pretty heartless. But personally I'd need more proof before agreeing that you're a heartless bitch. Color me still skeptical.

quote:

If the submissive originally posted about is acting out his/her jealousy then it's likely that person doesn't have the skills to acknowledge that they are feeling fear and insecurity. Addressing the jealousy will never work because it's not the issue, it's the symptom. Only the person who is experiencing this can address the issue.

Having been there more than once I know that the best response is to refuse to engage and let the person work through it.


Perhaps the only practical disagreement here is I think it's better to let the sub talk out the matter and to encourage that. I'm more hopeful that jealousy is something that can be worked through.

The more abstract things you talk about -- love and the immaturity behind jealousy -- I don't feel are right, but I don't know enough to argue it. I stick to the practicalities and leave theory to smarter people than me.



thetammyjo -> RE: jealous sub (2/20/2006 5:57:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seaturtle50

quote:

Love is a choice, contrary to the wildly popular notion that it's an emotion (which can be easily manipulated).


i have found that love between two adults is rather a process. It is a feeling with biochemical aspects first, then in time it becomes a decision.

To "fall in love" is a feeling. To stand in love is a decision, a conscious choice made. The later requires maturity, and imho is best when served with a healthy side of the feelings that started the process in the first place.

st50


I agree with you, seaturtle50.

There have been people I wish I could have returned a romantic love toward but it just wasn't there in me for them.

I've also been so overwhelmed by the passion and intensity that it has literally hurt my heart and made my body feel ill.

I have found the best love I've felt to be based on an initial attraction and mutual interests and then build over time through work and committment. The first is what you are describing, seaturtle, the second takes getting to know a person, and the third & fourth are a matter of making a choice and sticking to it.



Isara -> RE: jealous sub (2/20/2006 7:45:44 PM)

Jealousy has never had a place in my relationships, especially since, even when I was in the "vanilla" dating scene I was dating several men at once and practicing polyamory. You have to examine your relationship, looking at the pro's and con's.

Jealousy is a hard thing to get rid of. It is, but it can be done, via communication, that said? If the con's outweigh the pro's. I'd get rid of the sub.

But that's just me.

Regards.

Isara.



BeachMystress -> RE: jealous sub (2/21/2006 2:11:55 PM)


Personally if he continued after I told him several times to stop I'd give him a choice: psychotherapy or release. While this lifestyle may be about helping someone to grow, it is a two way street. You can't keep holding the hand of someone who isn't putting major effort into improving.



Submotive -> RE: jealous sub (2/21/2006 2:15:52 PM)

quote:

The answer is simple, if it were My sub:

Me Mistress--you not--end of story


You just know us soooo well Mistress [:)]



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