FourQ
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It's going to be one of those days, I thought to myself running over my wife on the driveway outside our home. But imagine my surprise when, after looking through our old insurance policies, I realised I would not only be able to buy a new car with the insurance payment for my wife's death, but there would also be enough left over to buy a new 40" LCD TV. - T. Cleaver , Ashington
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product. - Taffy , Stourbridge
I don't know what all the fuss is about with America getting a black president. Zimbabwe's had one for years and he's shit. - Percy Drake , Shrewsbury
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways - whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this? - Ms Anita Dawkins , Camberwell
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph. - Trish Williams , Guildford
I heard on the news that the January snow storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. - Mr P. Lipton , Sussex
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that? - Mick , Barnsley
I read in a recent edition of Take a Break magazine that (and I quote) "The family that laughs together, stays together".Alternatively, you can try locking them in a basement for 24 years. - J.Fritzl , Amstetten
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. - Maj. Arthur Lowndes (Ret.)
Do any of your readers have any suggestions on the sort of food that elephants like? I run a major zoo in London, and we are having terrible trouble getting our elephants to eat. We have tried them on the sausages that we give to the lions and the Haribos that the chimps have, but they just turn their noses up. It is getting quite urgent as three or four have already died. - Dr R Moreton , Whipsnade
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up - Christina Martin , Hull
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