RE: M wanting to know your fantasies

RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (Full Version)

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missfrillypants -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 5:15:55 AM)
well... i have a slightly different take on this... i don't like it when people on the internet basically just want to jerk off to me telling them things i like, but i think that having a conversation about mutual interests could include both things... my favorite first messages are ones that seem like actual letters... not just a message like "hi. i like your profile, drop me a line." if people send that and then the next thing they ask is "tell me about your fantasies" then i'm probably not going to reply. but i've had letters where someone said something about one of my favorite vanilla interests, told me a bit about themselves, and included things about why they thought we might be compatible that included kink that i quite liked, and some of those people got slightly detailed responses to the same question. one thing i've found though, is that i'm not very good at answering very broad questions or letters from someone i don't know well which are very short or general. if a person asks a specific question or sends a letter that gives me something to reply to like "oh! i'm a big fan of (x-movie)! it's so cool that you've seen it, not many people have." you mentioned humiliation as an interest that means a lot of things to a lot of different people, and i agree... if you asked her "well, your profile says you're into humiliation, but i know that means different things to different people, so can you give me an example of something you've done or something you've always wanted to do that falls under that category for you?" then it would probably meet with a better reply because it not only shows that you want to get to know her but also that you might enjoy reading it but you're also thinking. also, my ex Sir got my attention by sending me about two letters that were very friendly, and then sending me a story he wrote about one of his own fantasies. it really took the pressure off me as a newbie who didn't really know how to express what i was looking for and was still a little embarrassed about talking to people about things like that.

DesFIP -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 6:33:02 AM)
The problem with zeroing in on fantasies is that most of us want to like the person we have sex with. By focusing on the sex, you are saying that that is more important than the person. Because if the person was more important than her pink bits, you would be focusing on that. Most of us include a line or two in our profiles saying what we're into, and that's enough to know if you are remotely compatible kink wise.

SassySarijane -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 7:04:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: don't find it hypocritical at all to not want to jump right into telling someone my fantasies. I don't think it means a "vanilla dating site is in order" either. Yes this is a bdsm site and I filled out the checklist thing on my profile which pretty well tells my kinks and interests. If the person reads my profile they will have a pretty good general idea of compatibility or lack thereof as far as kinks go. I see no need to tell sexual or kinky fantasies to someone I barely know. I think that's the point a lot of posters are trying to make. That misrepresents what I said. I wasn't talking about "jumping right into" telling someone your fantasies. If your profile gives a pretty good general idea, then you've already done what I was talking about. Some of the comments on this topic make it sound like it's not appropriate to talk about kink until you know each other so well that you're ready to move in together. Personally, I don't broach the topic in direct conversations unless the woman appears receptive. Usually she brings it up first. But I don't see anything wrong with someone focusing on their priorities, whatever they may be. If the other person doesn't like it, then your priorities are probably too different for things to work out anyway. I did not intentionally misrepresent what you said. I answered based on how it came off to me. All any of us can do is reply based on our perception of what someone said. You may not have meant it the way it came off, but it did come off as indicated below to me. quote: You're going to find a lot of people, particularly women, who say they don't think it's appropriate to discuss such things without first going through all the phases of learning about each other's vanilla interests, etc., etc. It came off as judgemental toward those women who are not comfortable discussing those things with someone until they get to know them a bit and have some trust in them. I don't think they are saying do all the "vanilla" first before talking about kink at all and I know I'm not saying that. My point is that I need to know someone for a bit and have some trust in them before I'm going to go there. Certain things are very private to me and not something I want everyone who contacts me to know and that goes for bdsm AND non bdsm things.

junecleaver -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 7:28:24 AM)
Thanks. :) I was actually grossed out by man feet for most of my life. The first time I ever licked my now ex-dom's feet I almost threw up. To cut down on vomitting and whimpering, he usually allowed it to be done with shoes. lol Plus, I have a thing for chucks.

T1981 -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 7:33:41 AM)
This is an interesting topic. My husband and I are looking for playmates. We're not looking to add another person to our household, we're not looking for romantic partners, we're not looking for soul-mates. We're looking for people to scene with. So naturually, kink minded discussions happen pretty fast when we talk to potential partners. And it works for us. Naturually, there are an entire world of different people looking to scene, and we feel much more comfortable with those whose vanilla interests match up with ours, but we don't count it as a strike if someone wants to talk kink early on, since that is exactly what WE are looking for ourselves. I think a good deal of it depends on what the person is looking for. If someone is looking for a serious relationship, or a serious addition to thier poly household, then of course you'd want to put the sexy talk on the back burner for awhile and get to know them for a longer, more extended period of time before bringing them into the fold.

aravain -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/7/2009 1:32:28 PM)
Like I said, I have no idea what I was talking about XD

windycitysub78 -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/8/2009 11:51:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nikitaa quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: BDSM chemistry is important in a BDSM relationship, that should be a no-brainer. [typo fixed] Should be, shouldn't it? Not in all. I do not seek chemistry. I do not seek serious relationship at this time. I only seek kink dating and play. I make this very clear to men I reply too seriously in email. I tell the men "I do not seek serious relationship. I only seek mouse toy to use for my private fetish and then I will discard like trash." Then I ask if this what they want. Some say no but many say YES! Many men have fetish of having dominant use them and discarding them as if they were nothing more than empty soda can. I seek no chemistry or bonding with my next subs. I seek only mouse toy. I make very clear. I write this to show not all kink relationship deep and serious. Some looked with disdain after reading of my conditions (in replies I send to their messages). Some send replies saying as much and insulting me. lol. Some were from this forum (hardbodysub is NOT one of those men). Some think all kink relationship should be about emotion and caring and blah blah blah. Some too close minded. I only seek a good time. Is what my subs want, is what I want, everyone happy. Maybe after college I seek serious relationship, not now. (friends okay, only not serious relationship. College is fun time, not deep emotional caring and chemistry time) Different kinks for different folks. :) In their defense, your original profile did not make your wants/desires clear.

chicagoswitch -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/8/2009 3:52:36 PM)
As a mature submissive female (if that is not what you seek, ignore me) I would suggest you tone down your profile a bit and run a spell check. Look at the profiles of some of the Dominants who gave you advice, they don't sound like dogs looking for a post to hump.

Andalusite -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/8/2009 5:00:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SassySarijane quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub Frankly, I find that a little hypocritical for people on a BDSM site with a name like CollarMe. It's all fine and well to care about vanilla things as much as BDSM issues, but if talking about kinks is of such little importance that the topic shouldn't even be broached until people are comfortable with all other aspects of the getting-to-know-you process, then maybe a vanilla dating site is in order. I don't find it hypocritical at all to not want to jump right into telling someone my fantasies. I don't think it means a "vanilla dating site is in order" either. hardbodysub, I have to agree with Sarijane on this one. I generally don't mind a little bit of discussion about kink, and occasionally bring it up myself, particularly if it is something I have some concerns about which[;)] is open to interpretation. Normally I prefer to wait to discuss the specific details until I meet the other person face-to-face. It just feels more comfortable and natural that way to me. In general, I tend to be more focused on the interaction with the other person. If they are submissive/bottom only, do they react in a way I enjoy or that pushes my Domme buttons? If they are Dominant, do they focus on making me submit by taking "bad pain" that I don't like? Either way, are they into things I'm nervous about exploring and am generally not interested in, like humiliation or punishment? If so, what exactly do they mean by those things (actual I am angry with you, or using it as a synonym for S/M? verbal abuse, or kneeling/critter play/etc.?). There are a few specific things that I almost always enjoy, but very few that I actively require. Someone wrote to me "I thought this was a wild site" when I told him to back off, because he was getting too pushy on the kink/sexual side of things too quickly. Sure it is, but that doesn't mean I don't expect the specific men I interact with to be gentlemen. [;)] Leathersandals, I see a big distinction between fantasy and what I actively enjoy doing in BDSM. For example, I really like the sensory overload I experience after removing a hood, and it can be really fun making guys squeal, yelp, and jump by pinching them. I don't tend to fantasise about either when I am alone. I do fantasise about some things that I'm not actually interested in/don't want to do on a regular basis, and they tend to be more bisexual even though in reality, I'm more interested in men. So, I don't find sharing my actual fantasies particularly useful, and even feel that doing so can remove some of the hotness for me, but I am willing to share my likes/dislikes/experiences once I feel reasonably comfortable with them.

chainedgirl -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 7:20:18 AM)
For a start, don't put lines like this: "My question is this, how do you accomplish getting to know the sub and their fantasies" See I don't get to know the sub - I AM THE SUB. As for the fantasies, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said somone accused you of being too sex oriented. There's nothing wrong with a healthy sex drive, but when you start to come across as that's all your interested in, then you gotta back up and start asking yourself some questions. Did it ever occur to you to ask her about her career, what sort of work she does, does she enjoy it, has she always wanted to do that job as a career? What does she like to do on weekends? What movies/books/theatre style does she like? Who was her hero as a child? What is her opinion on [insert topic here]? Who was the adult she idolised growing up? What plans does she have for the futre? Will she be returning to study to change careers? To improve prospects within the same career? To do for fun? To learn a new language? How many people in her family? Which number child is she? What experiences did this lead to growing up? See, not one of them about sex, yet everyone tells me you would be interested in me as a person first. Once I've established, hey its me the person you are interested in and not just any old submissive, then I feel I can trust you enough to open up and start revealing who I am to you.

ThundersCry -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 7:48:12 AM)
Sharing fantasies with just anyone I will not...do. However...it was one of the hardest things* I had to do when I was under the guidence of a lady for a period of time...* Many I was ashamed of... At some point I allowed her into some of those rooms deep inside of me...sometimes I cracked the doors open and let her look and we would talk...sometimes she smashed the doors open on her own for my own good... It was a period of my life I will always cherish because I found freedom for the first time in that area that I was a slave to for most of my life... We all have them, its about what one wants to do with...them... Just part of the work that goes on between two that are in a power exchange... I don`t recall anyone telling me any of this was going to always be easy OR... Always be....fun.

techbondage -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 8:40:30 AM)
I think it is important to have good communication with a sub. Sharing fantasys will open a more intament relationship. Fantasies will also give a clue into why someone like something. The more you know about someone the better you can relate to them. This goes for all relationships. Tech

chainedgirl -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 9:00:19 AM)
Another thing, have you ever volunteered one of your fantasies first?

DiurnalVampire -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 1:27:49 PM)
I have a slightly different take on fanties. While everyone has them and it is all well and god to share them, early on in the relationship they can set things up for disappointment and failure. When you are asked about fantasies, you then expect things to look like them. If either side doesnt live up to that fantasy once it has ben aired, it can be disappointing. Asking once there is a good bit of communication can be different, once you already know someone and more about the reality of the. When you share fantasies and figure out then if there is any possiblity of them coming true or not. When I was still looking, I did not want to hear about fantasies until after I knew about the realities. If someone was interested in humiliation, I wanted to know what they defined as humiliation... not hear about the scene they thought of as humiliating. That still might not tell me what they define it as and I might still not get it. Just like cuckolding, my definition and most others are not the same, so I ask for definitions, not scenes to explain. Now, once I get a better feel for someone I'll ask where they would like to see something go, if I was going to be the Domme of their fantasies with the understanding that I might not ever fulfill it or it might be unrealistic. Hope that helps DV

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 2:15:59 PM)
personally i wouldn't want to share my fantasies with someone i hardly know because i'll presume he/shse's looking for wank material ...especially in the first message to me. i prefer to share it someone who shares a deeper relationship with me.

techbondage -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/9/2009 9:48:43 PM)
Im very up front on what I like. Until this past year I have found all my past girlfriends in vanilla land. I have told them without any bad reations. I like to hear and tell about a fantasy or two, not all the hundreds I have. I find it helps me understand their wants and needs as well as display mine. If a sub mentions a fantasy I think its good to put it in the back pocket and cook something up yourself to enhance that fantasy so the sub will not get the impression of topping from the bottom.

allthatjaz -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/10/2009 2:36:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nikitaa Is this real? I ask some men (who seem interesting) who email me to tell about their kinky fetishes and fantasies and then I can not make them stop. They send long messages with much detail. I never have man send message and write to me "figure out yourself." Messages were long so now I ask for brief description and I make limit on how many sentences. I agree with Nikitaa What you need to keep in mind here is single women get hundreds of mail and ploughing through them all can be boring, especially if they have written an obvious copy and paste epic about themselves. Keep it short and to the point. Make sure you read her profile and journals and pick up on things she said. Explain to her that you have a genuine shared interest in eg: a hobby she enjoys or that you like the way she expresses herself. Stay away from talking about yourself to begin with because reaching out and getting to know someone on here has to be a totally selfless act.

allthatjaz -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/10/2009 2:39:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: techbondage Im very up front on what I like. Until this past year I have found all my past girlfriends in vanilla land. I have told them without any bad reations. I like to hear and tell about a fantasy or two, not all the hundreds I have. I find it helps me understand their wants and needs as well as display mine. If a sub mentions a fantasy I think its good to put it in the back pocket and cook something up yourself to enhance that fantasy so the sub will not get the impression of topping from the bottom. Actually what you just wrote (regardless of my last post) is the sort of thing I would pick up as very positive if it was written to me within the first few mails. It says intelligent, thoughtful and very open. Maria

chainedgirl -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/10/2009 4:03:42 AM)
DiurnalVampire, its not only the disappointment when fantasies don't live up to reality, its the fact that we can go places in our fantasies we would never be able to go in real life. We explore those ideas exactly because we are in control. Give that power over to another and you suddenly have no say in where it goes.

khalya -> RE: M wanting to know your fantasies (2/10/2009 9:59:54 AM)
Have only read some of the responses Perhaps you could ask what their limits are. I don't mind people asking me that. I understand that play is a big part of some D/s relationships, and that gives me a chance to respond without feeling objectified.

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