Ending of relationships....... (Full Version)

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LadyKim -> Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 5:22:51 PM)

You know I see a lot of people ask about how they can get over the end of a relationship, and at one point I was asking this question myself. However, I read a book not to long ago that really made me stop to think, and it offered a really great insight I didn't have on my radar at one point.

The trick to getting over the end of a relationship is to create a life for yourself that is your own. Not building it things you did with that other person that is now out of your life, but taking pride in your worth as a person.... taking stock of your true interests....... and diving in with both feet. The most important part of this equation is to keep your life. Another relationship will pop up on the horizon somewhere down the line. When it does, do not let your self respect, self esteem, and self worth evolve around that other person. It results in coming across as needy........ not a pretty thing in a dominant........ or a submissive... male or female. You can allow the other person into your life....... of course..... but don't substitute that person FOR YOUR LIFE.

Just my two cents.
MzKim

And yes, I'm speaking from experience. We all have moments in our life when we realize .....damn .. f#cked that up. While we may not be able to go back and correct the screw up with that person, we can prevent doing it again.


Some people say you should 'love thy neighbor'. I say yuo should love yourself first, and your enighbor will be happier being next to you.



Arpig -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 6:06:24 PM)

I was in a vanilla marriage for 13 years that collapsed after a period of under/unemployment and finacial strain. It drove me into a deep depression, and I got out of it exactly the way you said. I created myself a new life, one unrelated to my time with my ex. I decided to explore my leanings for BDSM, something she would only toy with, and which I never demanded or pushed on her.

When the world has done you wrong
and you get washed up on the rocks,
just sit down take your shoes of
and squeeze the water from your socks.



newflowers -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 6:11:28 PM)

i agree - we must reclaim our life a tthe end of a relationship. while a small pity party is not out of the question, it should not last too long. i find it is helpful to rid myself of the sentimental things.

i do think it is important to give oneself sufficient time to heal from a past breakup - the time for which is dependent upon the depth of intimacy of the prior relationship, the manner of the break up, and a host of other issues. it helps so that one does not project the past onto the present and future.

what is the title of the book you read? perhaps, if you cannot post it here, you would be so kind as to send it to me via cm email?

newflowers



wipmebeetme100 -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 6:33:40 PM)

quote:

The trick to getting over the end of a relationship is to create a life for yourself that is your own. Not building it things you did with that other person that is now out of your life, but taking pride in your worth as a person.... taking stock of your true interests....... and diving in with both feet. The most important part of this equation is to keep your life.


And i wonder if maybe this is a bit harder to accomplish when the relationship that is ending is a M/s relationship, a TPE relationship. Because for the time in that relationship, Master was the slaves life.

Peace,
cathy



Arpig -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 6:42:00 PM)

quote:

And i wonder if maybe this is a bit harder to accomplish when the relationship that is ending is a M/s relationship, a TPE relationship. Because for the time in that relationship, Master was the slaves life.


Very, VERY true. I can see how it can be very devastating. That being said, it does not change the fact that eventually the person must pick them selves up and get on with life.
I must admit I had not thought of that aspect of a breakup, and the more I do think about it, the more I realise just how hard it could be. Thank you for pointing it out.



miticantenslaved -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 7:05:11 PM)

quote:

And i wonder if maybe this is a bit harder to accomplish when the relationship that is ending is a M/s relationship, a TPE relationship. Because for the time in that relationship, Master was the slaves life.


it was for miti...being slave, she no longer had purpose. even though i slowly took back most of the personal power i gave Him....when one is used to having a purpose and then *bingo* not having a purpose, this is VERY difficult.

thank you for inserting this POV!

Witches are not by nature gregarious, at least with other witches, and they certainly don't have leaders. Granny Weatherwax was the most highly-regarded of the leaders they didn't have. [Wyrd Sisters]

~miti



kisshou -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 7:23:49 PM)

I think everything you said in your post is great but only if a person allows themself time to mourn first. You can make yourself super busy but don't let that mask the sorrow you are feeling. I also think it is good to spend time thinking about what went wrong and learning from your mistakes.



LadyKim -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 9:19:51 PM)

All too often it is easy to get wrapped up the other half of the relationship equation. In the bdsm lifestyle, it is very easy to let the other half of the dynamic become the center of your world. It is very obvious that the submissive does this, but dominants can do it also... especially when the dominant has a nurturing personality. Yes, broken relationships with a M/s, D/s dynamic are very difficult to get over because you give so much of yourself to the other half of the relationship; however, we don't have a patent on the emotional void felt when a relationship ends.

Yes, you do have to give yourself a little time to grieve, but do yourself a favor..... get rid of the items that serve to feed your pity party. Spending too much time thinking about the funny things that were said, the passion, the quirks that were so endearing, the vulnerability, the connection will only serve to stoke the fire. I'd say a fair share of us have had our time where we plopped on the sofa with that tub of Ben and Jerry's and cried thinking back on all we feel we just lost mourning what was and no longer is. But the next morning, it's still not there and you know you just bought yourself several hours at the gym for the pity party you had the night before.

Eliminate the objects that bring that person crashing back to mind. When you go on a diet, you get rid of the junk food in the house and fill the house with food that will aid you in achieving you goal to loose weight. Well, building a new life for yourself is no different. Dedicating yourself to watching every Friends rerun with a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's isn't going to help you build a life that fills the void you feel. Find activities that are just that ACTIVITIES that you can put your passion into and claim as your own. Things that make you feel good about yourself rather than allow you to get sucked into the void with the painful memories. I'm not saying the pain will vanish overnight, the memories will still worm there way back in from time to time; however, find things to do when they start to get too heavy. Eventually, the memories will fade.... new lessons will appear..... and you will find you have another life.

And since you worked so hard to get that new life, don't be so quick to throw it away when the next relationship dawns on the horizon. Keep the things that you are the most passionate about in your life, and build some time for the new person in around it. Even in a D/s relationship, confidence, self esteem, and self respect are highly coveted qualities in a partner.


Just my two cents for experience.
MzKim



IceyOne -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/14/2006 9:24:34 PM)

I have had two long term relationships in my life. Neither though, ended because of a split, or breakup...both ended because of death. Your advice is good, not only for those who are going through just breakups, but also for those who suddenly find themselves alone because of death.



fldrkhorse -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/15/2006 7:07:12 AM)

quote:

The trick to getting over the end of a relationship is to create a life for yourself that is your own.


I'm going to disagree with this. My philosophy is not to
quote:

loose
yourself in the first place. An individual is an individual in all types of relationships. There's a part of us that shares, and there's a part of us that must be our own to continue to grow as a person. Women loose themselves in relationships more so than men. Guys keep our friends, make new ones, share hobbies and interests with other guys, etc. Don't loose yourself. Continue doing the things that bring you joy, validate you, that help others, that make you feel good about yourself. It is not the relationship that defines you, it is you that define the relationship. Because if the relationship defines you and theres no longer a relationship, then there's no longer a you.

I heard the story about this blues singer, for the life of me I cannot remember her name. The narrator said when her husband left her, she lost weight to where she could wear the dresses she wore when she was in her twenties, bought a new fur coat, and started dating again. I use this metaphor all the time now, get that new coat and hit the boulevard.



KatyLied -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/15/2006 7:43:38 AM)

quote:

Because for the time in that relationship, Master was the slaves life.


Interesting. Why would a Master not want you to have interests and a life beyond him? That seems very self-serving and not very nurturing toward the slave.

The best way to look at the end of a relationship: Did you do everything you could to be the best person you could be in that relationship? Did you do your "job" to the best of your abilities within the parameters of the relationship? Is it possible the other person did not fully appreciate you? Just some things to consider. I have found that it helps to write things down, get it out of your head, free up some mental and emotional space.



sunshine333 -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/15/2006 2:25:16 PM)

that ...

quote:

You can allow the other person into your life....... of course..... but don't substitute that person FOR YOUR LIFE.


and that ...

quote:

Some people say you should 'love thy neighbor'. I say yuo should love yourself first, and your enighbor will be happier being next to you.


are the best peices of advise that i've heard in a very long time. thank you.

one other thing to keep in mind is gratitude. i think a lot of people view the ending of relationships (or anything) with a sense of negativity. whether that be bitterness, sadness, anger, resentment, self doubt ... etc. but what about all the good times that you had with that person? what about special memories? what about lessons learned? these are things to be grateful for.

we make choices every day ... all day. we can, for the most part, choose how our energy is spent. i know it may sound cliche ... but i really do believe that if we choose to relate to life from a place of humility and gratitude that our lives will run relatively smoothly.

again, Lady Kim, thank you for this thread. it hit home.

humbly,
sunshine



LadyKim -> RE: Ending of relationships....... (1/15/2006 3:19:06 PM)

sunshine,

Thank you for adding your insights to the thread. I'm glad the thread was helpful to someone.

MzKim



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