Is Polyamory a Choice?

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[Poll]

Is Polyamory a Choice?

Yes - i could be either monogomous OR polyamorous

59% (19)

No - it is an orientation that i can't change

28% (9)

Not sure - I'll explain in my post

12% (4)

Total Votes : 32

(last vote on : 2/15/2009 6:58:51 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

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Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:02:47 PM

eponavet

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So, after posting on a few different threads and realizing that my view of polyamory is obviously different from other people's, i wanted to know HOW far off base i am in my thinking that polyamory is an orientation, not exactly like being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, but close. In other words, i thought, and have had others express to me, that being polyamorous is something they didn't choose, it is just how they love. And it doesn't matter if they are involved with one person, 2, 3, 4, 20....or none. They still consider themselves poly. i am polyamorous in the same fashion. i simply cannot BE binary.....i can, and have been involved with only one person, but....i still am open to adding others, and i don't know how to articulate that it is PART of me....i honestly CAN'T see it as a choice. i know that is an egocentric view, but i assumed (always bad) that certainly, there ARE people who are wired to be binary...and there are people wired to be polyamorous. But i hadn't considered that there are switches (for lack of a better comparision), or people who feel - on an emotional level, not a practical or situational one - that being polyamorous is a choice.

So, i figured i'd ask.

Do you think poly is a choice? If so, i'd love to hear your experiences so i can better understand. Again, in my case, i was a serial monogomist, always conflicted over my relationships ending because i was attracted to someone else, not understanding why i still had feelings for my current love, and didn't REALLY want to break up etc. i was monogomous UNTIL i was exposed to the idea of poly....then i KNEW that was me. It is the same with my pagan faith...i didn't know what to call it until i read "Spiral Dance" by Starhawk when i was 18 years old, but it was a validation of WHO i was and WHAT i was. i was pagan before i read that book and i was poly before i knew "how" to be poly. It has allowed me to live more honestly with myself. i may have chosen to explore it, but i still don't think i chose to "be" it....

< Message edited by eponavet -- 2/7/2009 1:04:42 PM >

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:18:12 PM

colouredin

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poly is my prefered relationship but I have been in mono relationships, oriantation is to me something that you just are and cant be in a realtionship without it

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:19:55 PM

Katchoo

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Interesting poll eponavet!

I think it depends on the individual, like so many other things.

A few folks are wired one way and can be happy with many or just one, and they are able to choose the situation they desire... they are happy with whatever they are doing at the moment...

For most I don't believe it is a choice, as you said... You either are or are not, and the "are" folks need it to feel fulfilled and happy, while it is typically destructive to the "are nots".

I've gotten to know people who felt both ways.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:26:48 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

poly is my prefered relationship but I have been in mono relationships, oriantation is to me something that you just are and cant be in a realtionship without it

This is where i think the grey area comes into play, that for me, with some self analysis, means that i AM still poly....it doesn't matter if i am only involved with one person...or NONE for that matter. I'm still wired to be ABLE to be with more than one person. There is no conflict about it, and in fact, i don't think i could be with someone who was against poly as a possiblity.

So, colouredin...could you be happy with someone who thought polyamory was morally wrong? Would that basically insult you and your feelings about it, or....could you really just let it go and be happy with them, and only them and the knowledge that poly WASN'T an option? i hope my statements aren't too harsh sounding...i really am not judgemental at all of anyone's opinion, just want to discuss it further when certain points are brought up.

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Post #: 4

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:29:25 PM

colouredin

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I could be happy with someone who thought it was morally wrong yes. But heres the thing, I can be in a realtionship with them and i can be happy but fundementally I will get bored and the relationship will fail. But all my relationships have failed so that doesnt bother me. I dont really want or believe in happily every after I want to experiance as much as I can.

I can tell you I am happIER when im involved with Poly people :D

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Post #: 5

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 1:44:23 PM

Katchoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eponavet

could you be happy with someone who thought polyamory was morally wrong?

I don't think that I could be now... it would be a rejection of a major part of who I am. Morally wrong is a judgement... I would always have that somewhere in my mind I think... To me whether or not polyamory is my situation is my Master's choice, but He accepts that part of me.

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Post #: 6

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 2:23:55 PM

SunNMoon

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I go with the it depends on the person group.

I think some people are able to choose to be in a poly relationship and it works for them. I also think that some people are either mono or poly and it is not a choice for them. I think some people are just flexible and it is more about who they are with which way they would go. While other people it would just lead to a negative situtation for them if they were with someone that was only mono or poly if it wasn't who they were.

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Post #: 7

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 2:25:44 PM

eponavet

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ok...i found the poll...i thought it disappeared and was getting paranoid.

Thanks for answering and giving various perspectives...much appreciated!

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 2:37:45 PM

Vendaval

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Fast Reply -

There is a difference between orientation and how you are currently living your life. Sometimes they do not match, other times you can live in the way that you feel most comfortable.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 2:37:50 PM

KataNykanen

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Posting what I said in eponavet's discussion thread here too:

quote:

ORIGINAL: eponavet

i wanted to know HOW far off base i am in my thinking that polyamory is an orientation, not exactly like being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, but close. In other words, i thought, and have had others express to me, that being polyamorous is something they didn't choose, it is just how they love. And it doesn't matter if they are involved with one person, 2, 3, 4, 20....or none. They still consider themselves poly. i am polyamorous in the same fashion. i simply cannot BE binary.....

For me it's just the same way only that I consider it an orientation like being hetero, homo, or bi. Since I've discovered love, and relationships, and stuff I've been poly.
I tried for a long time to live in monogamous relationships and they simply didn't work. I sometimes cheated, and hated it. And was unhappy until I found out that there is such a thing like being polyamorous and that there isn't anything wrong about that.
From this point on I was always clear about myself and the way I love, especially with probable partners. And things worked out.
It's nothing I chose, I simply am - and before I found my now existing relationship, I often cursed this way I am.

Edit: When reading the other posts it came to my mind that it could be interesting to mention what we call polytolerant, that is people living in a poly relationship while being monoamorous themselves. We have two of them in our family and they really get well along with their poly partners (for seven resp. five years now) but are fully satisfied by having "their one and only".

< Message edited by KataNykanen -- 2/7/2009 2:50:56 PM >

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 3:33:04 PM

fluffypet61

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i always wanted more when i was with just one(nilla marriage). But so many men seem to feel that their manliness is threatened if a woman wants more than one.

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Post #: 11

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 4:36:27 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffypet61

i always wanted more when i was with just one(nilla marriage). But so many men seem to feel that their manliness is threatened if a woman wants more than one.

There is an interesting thread on this very topic in the poly forums at the moment.....

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 4:47:48 PM

KatyLied

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quote:

But so many men seem to feel that their manliness is threatened if a woman wants more than one.

So true. I've told men "sure you can be poly, as long as I can also be poly". They seem to get put off by that idea.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 4:53:43 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

But so many men seem to feel that their manliness is threatened if a woman wants more than one.

So true. I've told men "sure you can be poly, as long as I can also be poly". They seem to get put off by that idea.

To me, this indicates an insecurity...and is actually an opportunity for them to explore their own fears and worries - something that some people (not just men....) are scared to do. Self analysis is a good way to make sure we are being true to ourselves, and in turn, to the people ino our lives.

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Post #: 14

RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 5:32:40 PM

DesFIP

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You can be bisexual without having current relationships with people of both sexes. For that matter you can be heterosexual without having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So you can know that you are capable of loving more than one without having to have sex with more than one at that moment. Presumably if you don't find anyone you love, you are still oriented poly even if not in any relationship.

But being attracted to others and wanting to have sex with them doesn't make you poly. Because you arent in love with all the people you occasionally have sex with. Swingers have sex with others without loving the people they meet and play with on a Saturday night.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 5:38:44 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You can be bisexual without having current relationships with people of both sexes. For that matter you can be heterosexual without having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So you can know that you are capable of loving more than one without having to have sex with more than one at that moment. Presumably if you don't find anyone you love, you are still oriented poly even if not in any relationship.

But being attracted to others and wanting to have sex with them doesn't make you poly. Because you arent in love with all the people you occasionally have sex with. Swingers have sex with others without loving the people they meet and play with on a Saturday night.

Thank you....

Not that i expect - or even want everyone to understand, or agree with me, but you put it in a way that expanded what i was trying to convey.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 5:48:17 PM

Naberius

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I was in a poly relationship with 3 other slaves moons ago. Though I am again searching for a new girl, I often say to others that if the opportunity presented itself, I would consider it again. However, I am just as happy with one as I am with more.

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 5:51:59 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Naberius

I was in a poly relationship with 3 other slaves moons ago. Though I am again searching for a new girl, I often say to others that if the opportunity presented itself, I would consider it again. However, I am just as happy with one as I am with more.

Did you love your slaves? i only ask because of some of the threads that have come up on the gorean forums regarding slaves, ownership, love, mastery etc.

Did you feel that it was a poly relationship between everyone, or more of a harem?

Thank you for sharing your views!

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 6:01:48 PM

MrRodgers

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Nope, nobody has any choice at all...we are ALL poly. What, what you thought you had a choice ? Nope...done deal, you are poly.

Some just succeed very well in defeating that instinct. Ok, ok...maybe most do but still...

Well, aren't you poly...admit it, we are all poly, right ?

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RE: Is Polyamory a Choice? - 2/7/2009 6:15:14 PM

eponavet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Nope, nobody has any choice at all...we are ALL poly. What, what you thought you had a choice ? Nope...done deal, you are poly.

Some just succeed very well in defeating that instinct. Ok, ok...maybe most do but still...

Well, aren't you poly...admit it, we are all poly, right ?

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect (and what movie is THAT from...

...). I'm so glad you took the time to teach us savages something about human nature! No reason to discuss anything....MrRodgers has it all figured out!

It's a.....beautiful day in the neighborhood....a beautiful day in the nieghborhood...would you be mine? Would you be mine? See...all along, MrRodgers had it figured out all along!

We ARE all poly!!!!

Thanks!

And here i was, thinking i could learn something from other people's perspectives.....boy, do i feel silly!

< Message edited by eponavet -- 2/7/2009 6:21:24 PM >

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