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subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 2:55:57 AM   
deviantdetroiter


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/2/2009
Status: offline 		I've recently had an experience where I was unsuccessful in motivating a sub pursue her education. She had failed out of college prior to meeting me due to drug use, and I repeatedly attempted to encourage her to re-enroll with either myself, either of her sisters, or at least sign up for an online course. She repeatedly made excuses regarding either finances, ADD, fear, ect.

Of course finances would change, but they would have been manageable with adjustments. I researched tutoring options and Dr's regarding the ADD, and tried to reassure her that there wasn't any pressure to complete it as valedictorian or anything. I offered to attend class with her, or she could go with her sisters. So i feel I exhausted my efforts on the matter, but am curious if in the future there may be a better way for me to approach the situation.

Any opinions on successful ways you have been motivated to reach a positive goal that was a long commitment such as this?
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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 3:02:56 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Does she actually want to do it? You cant motivate someone to do something that they dont want to do. In fact for me if someone tries that with me I get more distant. There are certain things I will and wont be 'motivated' into. If i need to be pushed that much to do something to do with my career or education then I have got to wonder if the relationship breaks down will I carry it on?

It just seems to me that the best way to motivate her is to actually find out what she wants to do and rather than motivate her actually encourage her, thats a differant thing.

Motivation could make her think that you feel she was a failure for not finishing the course, constant reminder of that will be painful but if you encourage then that gives her a higher sense of self and a greater confidence, isnt that better?

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 3:45:32 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Perhaps she genuinely doesn't want to do this or is just not ready as yet. Encouragement is good but pushing someone before they are ready is just trying to mold someone into being something they are not and its doomed to failure 

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 4:04:46 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I was told to find a course that I wanted to take. I could choose any course but I HAD to do one. I put it off and put it off because I didn't want to go out, mix with people or leave my comfort zone.

After a few weeks of nodding at my excuses, a prospectus for the college dropped on my doormat through the post. It was clear that he wasn't going to let this go.

I was then given a week to find a course of my choosing. If by then, I hadn't done so HE would pick the course.

By now I realised that not only was I a very stubborn person, he was MORE so..and he had more clout than me....lol

I chose MIG Welding.

This worked because of the type of relationship we have and he has a way of making something unpleasant seem MORE pleasant than the alternatives but you do have to *know your victim*. You also have to be pretty certain that the outcome will be positive, overall.

Although I was hideously reluctant and bolshy about being *forced*........I attended, completed the course, learned to weld and was a very proud bunny at the end with a new batch of confidence freshly grown.

agirl



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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 5:03:16 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How old was she? How motivated was she? Because being pushed to do something that you have failed in repeatedly would make me feel as though he wanted me to fail again. There is no way you could guarantee that this time she would be successful, probably she wouldn't have been. So although you see taking a class and failing as positive, you didn't notice that she finds it totally opposite?

Listen to her, build up sufficient trust so she can confide deep shames in you. Otherwise you won't be able to know what the real problem is and thus can't help her to solve it.

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 5:10:49 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		The goal is obviously yours not hers---realize that--there is fantasy and there is reality--somewhere in the middle is the real relationship.

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 5:59:32 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

The goal is obviously yours not hers---realize that--there is fantasy and there is reality--somewhere in the middle is the real relationship.


I agree with this. The *real* relationship may mean that you don't have as much knowledge, authority or insight in your *victim* as you think, want or wish for.

If *I* waited until *I* was ready, I wouldn't do an awful lot of things. I don't rely on MY idea of my readiness or MY goals because I will limit myself. I know this to be a fact. By the same token you really have to trust that someone outside of you knows better than you do and that isn't an easy thing to come by.

All the time that I'm hanging onto MY idea of what I can or can't do, I'm limiting myself to my notion of my capabilities and frankly, I DON'T always know what's best for me, no matter how much pride I have invested in the idea that I do.

agirl



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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 6:22:41 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'd also like to point out that you personally invested a lot of time and effort, rather than to give her the tasks that you did yourself.  This both exhausted you and reinforced your commitment instead of hers.

I love what agirls's Master did.  He assigned a single task to her - pick the course - with a specified time frame and a consequence if not met.  Breaking it all down into individual tasks makes it seem less overwhelming.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 1:02:00 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

due to drug use


Drug users and alcoholics are motivated only by their next fix, and as they become pathological liars (out of necessity) you can't negotiate with them, help them, or get them do anything - as you have just found out. I have had somebody like that (who did actually go to school), and she was cleaning up her act, she said, but when I bought test kits, and made them mandatory, she disappeared. You are wasting your time.

(in reply to deviantdetroiter)
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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 3:00:38 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		In consentual submission, dominants cannot "make" a submissive "do" anything.
Sorry - just the facts.

however, i do agree with agirls master. If the choice is narrowed down to "what course am i going to take" , rather than "am i going to take a course", then there is no weasel room.  Its kind of like talking to um's. You give them two choices - both of which attain your objective, not two choices, one of which doesn't attain your objective. 

Of course, if you have this much confidence in your relationship, then presumably if pushed, she won't leave but will aquiese to your demands.

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RE: subs experiences with being pushed to progress - 2/8/2009 3:37:09 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 Any opinions on successful ways you have been motivated to reach a positive goal that was a long commitment such as this?  


The first question is:  what kind of D/s relationship do you have with her?  It appears to me that her submission has stayed within limited parameters.  Nothing wrong with that if that is the agreement.  But I would say you both needed to be on the same page regarding the scope of your authority as the dominant partner. 
 
and I heartily agree with CatdeMedici:
quote:

  The goal is obviously yours not hers---realize that--there is fantasy and there is reality--somewhere in the middle is the real relationship.

If you are working harder than the person you are trying to motivate there won’t be much progress.

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Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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