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Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 6:12:28 AM

Subcassie

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/9/2007
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I have been with my Master for 9 years (married for 5 years). I found out that he has been meeting with mistresses on a regular basis and now meeting subs, I am hurt that he could not tell me about this as its the third time I have found out, and the last time we agreed he would tell me the truth. I always believed this lifestyle to be honest and open and agreed that from the beginning. He is not sure whether he still wants to be with me as we have been through some stressful times, but believe it or not I adore him and cannot imagine life without him so only time will tell. I wonder if I could ever trust him again... Please help....

Post #: 1

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 7:10:57 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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It sounds harsh lass but he sounds like a chronic liar and I'd say it was time to pack up, move out and start over. In time you ewill learn to trust again with some one worthy of being trusted.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 2/9/2009 7:11:20 AM >

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(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 2

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 7:28:00 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

I think you know the answer to your own question about trust. You may adore him, but he has a chronic pattern of misleading you. At this point you must either accept him the way he is, warts and all, or move along. It is highly unlikely that he is going to change in the way you would desire, especially if he is not committed to staying in a relationship with you.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 3

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 8:07:25 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Subcassie

I have been with my Master for 9 years (married for 5 years). I found out that he has been meeting with mistresses on a regular basis and now meeting subs, I am hurt that he could not tell me about this as its the third time I have found out, and the last time we agreed he would tell me the truth. I always believed this lifestyle to be honest and open and agreed that from the beginning. He is not sure whether he still wants to be with me as we have been through some stressful times, but believe it or not I adore him and cannot imagine life without him so only time will tell. I wonder if I could ever trust him again... Please help....

He has failed to keep his word on at least three very important occasions. With me, trust would be gone, end of story. If I chose to trust again I would come to realize that trust was a way of fooling myself into believing what I wanted - in other words, a fantasy. Because he WILL betray it again. I have found at times the pain of being without someone is far more bearable than the pain of being with a liar. I wish you the best here.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 4

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 8:13:02 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
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He is, according to your post, showing himself to be a chronic liar and I seriously doubt he's going to change any time soon. This "Lifestyle" attracts people, good people, bad people, people. It is no more honest, or better or purer than non bdsm is. Still have all different kinds of people into it. Don't put it on a pedestal, keep it in reality.

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(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 5

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 9:20:54 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

I don't think I'd be able to trust again...but then again I already have trust issues to begin with.

However, nine years is a lot to lose. If you REALLY want to make it work, then try therapy together. Perhaps there is a root issue why he keeps lying and cheating. Then again, I don't know how many other times he's cheater nor how many other issues have happened in a nine year period. There is probably more to the story and probably needs more help is needed than internet people can give. I can't, in good faith, tell someone to end a nine year marriage on only a sliver of information.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 6

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 9:36:27 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

Eep. You know that saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." It might have a lot of bearing here. A man who's been meeting several women off the side isn't suddenly going to change. It's probably time to bow out of the relationship. Just try not to become jaded, it will reflect in your next relationship.

You could as some people suggested, try therapy, but I've never placed too much faith in that system.

Best of luck to you.

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HBIC

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 7

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 9:41:36 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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This lifestyle is not any one thing and to think it means more honesty is a misconception. People are honest... or not. Nine years investement of self, love, devotion and on and on is a long time and with what you thought you had... a lot to lose. BUT... you are not losing what you thought you had as that isn't what you had. You had some good times with a man who misleads you and lies to you and most likely other's. See him not for what you have shared, but what he wasn't sharing that you now know. He isn't who you thought he was. And... he isn't very nice.

If you wish to live the lie and accept... AGAIN... that is your choice... you may or may not trust him depending on how you can deny what happened and move on because denial might be the only way to feel he won't do it again, so you can trust him. He has already proven... with the last time's promise that he will repeat if you let him. He also isn't sharing with you that he has submissive needs. All around... I don't think you know the real him unless the liar him is the real him and at this point, I would consider that the case.

I know it is hurtful... he has done awful things and I am very sorry. But don't you align with him and be your own cruel victimizer by joining him in the game. If you stay to trust again... you align yourself with him and take part in the next victimization you both put yourself through. Go... find a truthful future and one you will feel more self respect from. No good can come of a repeat of what has come before. You accept and he knows you will accept and he gets away with it all... why should he change?

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Post #: 8

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 11:10:42 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Why would you want to waste any more of your time, and your love, on someone who is not trustworthy?

Without trust, your love will wither and die.

So stop putting off the inivitable. Dragging it out will only hurt you more. How many more times will you let this man hurt you, when there's no need? He's just not that into you, you can clearly see. He is even telling you so.

Leave it.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are only young once, and this guy is totally disrespecting you, and wasting your love and your time. You deserve to be loved and respected. Don't settle for less. You won't get this time back.

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(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 9

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 1:49:25 PM

Naberius

Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline

Lying will always break up a relationship regardless what kind of relationship it is. It is apparent he knows not what a good thing he has and that is too bad, for he will learn the hard way what an idiot he is. As everyone has said, break the chains, move on and in time you will learn to trust again. You'll be a bit more cautious, but that is okay, everyone should be.

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We do not learn without pain -Aristotle

(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 10

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 2:13:00 PM

adeena

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline

some will just not be faithful or honest, no matter what they have.

(in reply to Naberius)

Post #: 11

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 2:22:29 PM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

I often feel people on this forum jump to conclusions prematurely... on this one I have to agree with the perspectives previously shared...

People can change, but only when they get sick of dealing with the repercussions of their negative actions. If you tolerate his cheating and continue to give him additional chances, you are softening the blow of his negative actions, thus removing the motive to change.

We must all draw lines of intolerance in any/every relationship... it seems by your post that cheating is crossing your line. You've done your best to be understanding when he got caught the first time and you guys worked things out... but he didn't hold up his end of the bargain. Then the same thing happened the second time he got caught... now this is the third.

If you are willing to settle for a man you adore, who refuses to be faithful, then you're all set. But if you desire a faithful relationship with an honest man you can trust, it seems he has already proven himself incapable of offering such...

(in reply to adeena)

Post #: 12

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 2:30:09 PM

SultryItalian

Posts: 125
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Subcassie
I have found at times the pain of being without someone is far more bearable than the pain of being with a liar.

Golden truth, which I am living now.

Good luck to you.

As hard as it may seem, it's time to move on. Being happy with yourself is more important than living a lie for some douche bag.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 13

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 5:42:06 PM

Timesamyth

Posts: 31
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

It all seems so easy from this perspective; if my advice counted for anything I would echo what was said above "just leave him," but there are so many x,y and z variables.

My suggestion, from angle 52, would be to sleep it over (for a lengthy period of time), staying on alert. Figure out if it's all something worth 'leaving' behind or if it's just another bump in the road. If it's something you still find to be serious after a time, than you can figure out a way to wean off the relationship slowly- until you are completely convinced of what you have or don't have;it helps prevent a flood of unwanted negative emotions without severing something prematurely. Plus, it gives you time to think.

(in reply to SultryItalian)

Post #: 14

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 6:29:36 PM

lilgirl2008

Posts: 73
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

He has been caught in a lie three times, and each time I am sure he said he wouldn't do it again. But yet he did. Could you trust him again? I doubt it. However I do understand your devotion to him. I have been in a similar situation. Even though they have hurt you and broke that trust, you still care for that person. Love doesn't just vanish away. It is so easy for people to say " just leave him". It isn't as easy for you to follow that advice. So here is what I have to say. Only you can decide what is right for you. You know he will most likely lie to you again. He obviously doesn't want a monogomous relationship. Having been together for 9 years, it is very hard to just walk away from. You have to remember though, you have to do what is right for you.
It doesn't sound like he is sincere in his telling you he would be open with you. So how can you trust whether anything he tells you is the truth. It is a slipperly slope if you continue a relationship with him. Resentment will grow on your part, and so will the feelings of hurt. I think it is time you start thinking about you first, and take care of you and your heart. I wish you luck. I know how hard this decision is.

(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 15

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/9/2009 7:16:10 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Why would you want to trust him again?

You 'found out' three times? You found out once.. he kept doing it... and he will continue. He's not changing his behavior.

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But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 16

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/10/2009 6:40:19 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

No relationships can survive, vanilla or D/s, without BOTH parties willing to work on it. You seem to be asking how you can fix the relationship on your own. HE needs to be committed to it. Lying and cheating are dealbreakers.

If you want the relationship to survive longer, leave him, and believe him when he tries to get you back and promises to change. The relationship will then last until he breaks his word again.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 17

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/10/2009 7:33:54 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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Wait, he's proved himself a liar and a cheat...repeatedly....and now HE"S not sure he wants to be with YOU???? No, you will never be able to trust him again. But hon, if you care one iota about yourself you should realize that you deserve a LOT better than that and it shouldn't be HIM that is trying to decide what he wants. Can you spell L-O-S-E-R?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 18

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/10/2009 7:39:44 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Having been through a similar issue I can say from my experience a tiger doesn't change his stripes. He has continuously lied to you and only agreed to be honest once he has been caught. I wouldn't want to be with anyone that continually disrespected my feelings and me in general.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Subcassie)

Post #: 19

RE: Can you trust again.. - 2/10/2009 7:49:42 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Once.....there's a chance to overcome it, work through it, rebuild maybe.........after that it's a pattern, a cycle and one I don't feel I deserve to be stuck in ever again. I have more self esteem and self worth now than to ever go through that hell again especially when they tend to blame you for what they chose to do. If it were me, it'd be syonara sucker and I wouldn't look back or keep any contact. I'd move on with my life.

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Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 20

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