Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom

Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (Full Version)

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complexpainslave -> Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 5:18:11 PM)
My relationship is only partly D/s. This is not a formal owner/slave dynamic. It bothers me greatly that there are things she enjoys that can drop me into boredom. I'm not burning with guilt but because I love her I'd like to see if there is a way for me to break through this. That may not be possible. But maybe one of you has dealt with this and managed to modify your responses. I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at http://www.sensualsadist.com/archives/headspaces/visions_of_boredom.php And share any insights you might have to offer. Thanks, Richard

BitaTruble -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 6:34:49 PM)
Whenever you find that things aren't progressing the way they should be to obtain the max enjoyment for both parties, simply stopping and talking about what's going on in your head space would be my first piece of advice. If playing footstool is a bit on the boring side, ask the lady if you can take a break and do something that will make the time for memorable and enjoyable for both of you. I'm sure a bored partner isn't her idea of a grand old time either. For example, how about putting on a Kali-teeth ring during the footstool protocols. I've never met a male submissive yet who was bored while wearing one. Or, perhaps some time in a humbler while serving would enhance the enjoyment for both of you. You're only limited by your own imagination ::and hers!::, but tawk, tawk to get on the same page. In the end, you'll both appreciate things more if everyone is having a good time. Whatever activites are boring you, just try to come up with ways to spice them up. From what I've seen of the posters here, most have very devious minds and I'm sure would be more than happy to help out with some specifics, myself included! Good luck, Celeste

complexpainslave -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 7:13:21 PM)
We do talk: daily and frequently. In chat, on our websites, in emails (she’s currently out of the US but certainly face to face when we are together). Actually I got bored with being her footstool very quickly. Which shocked me. It is a long held fantasy. Well, yeah, a KTB would certainly fight boredom but wouldn’t make me feel happy to be her footstool. We get lots of pleasure out of each other’s company. This is a special instance in which I could give her more pleasure if I felt differently. I don’t mind feeling bored but that isn’t the mental state she wants me in. We both know that in this particular instance we may not be able to have exactly what we want. But it seemed worthwhile to seek out the experiences of others and see if they’ve developed mechanisms for overcoming this. Thanks, Richard

Arpig -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 7:25:35 PM)
I suspect this question was pretty well answered a loooong time ago and far, far away....Variety is the spice of life.

Misstoyou -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 7:42:54 PM)
I'm not without sympathy, as everyone deserves fulfillment, but this is a perfect example of why I prefer service submissives rather than those I identify as sensation submissives. Give me a guy that gets off on the fact that he's making me happy, even though he might hate what he's doing at the moment. For example, you could ask my submissive how he feels about grading papers. [:D] But he's a smart boy. He knows it's a small price to pay for all the other perks that come with being my submissive.

veronicaofML -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/15/2006 7:52:37 PM)
ok ok ok ok went to the site still thinking on it. bored? or perhaps frustrated? maybe? hey just asking..maybe? it is in part to..expectations? maybe whomever we are discussing has not felt he/she is fulfilled as yet inside? has some higher close-to-the-skin expectations? maybe...communication..........<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just taking a shot in the dark here on this one. good luck

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 6:08:53 AM)
Nobody in any relationship is matched exactly the same in terms of interests. This is true of vanillas and Ds. One partner adores shibari, another could go to sleep and just wants to get to the flogging. One partner adores hockey and another just wants to go and get some taxes done. You can either encourage eachother to get your needs met with others- find play partners for you to enjoy the activities with. You can try and compromise and find a way to do everything together so that you won't get bored and they won't get cheated AND you are both happy by making eachother happy. This is a relationship obstacle, work on it together and find a way that works for you both.

iamdownonmyknees -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 9:42:49 AM)
After thinking about it overnight I've come to feel that a set of mental images and some auto-suggestion is worth trying. With luck I can evoke more of the gratification in pleasing within myself. Richard (Who didn't mean to post using the other CollarMe ID)

AAkasha -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 9:58:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Nobody in any relationship is matched exactly the same in terms of interests. This is true of vanillas and Ds. One partner adores shibari, another could go to sleep and just wants to get to the flogging. One partner adores hockey and another just wants to go and get some taxes done. You can either encourage eachother to get your needs met with others- find play partners for you to enjoy the activities with. You can try and compromise and find a way to do everything together so that you won't get bored and they won't get cheated AND you are both happy by making eachother happy. This is a relationship obstacle, work on it together and find a way that works for you both. This is really what it comes down to. However, there's an added element here because the submissive is supposed to be enduring things related to "service" -- and that probably includes things that may not always be dick-throbbing-fun, or include lots of stimulation. He has to 'suck it up' basically. What is he going to do, say "Mistress, I only want to do certain activities for you, because the other ones are too boring for me." Remember, a 'vanilla' guy endures all kinds of activities he thinks are horribly boring, like attending weddings or sitting in church -- just because his girlfriend wants him to do it. He does it "to make her happy." Just because you're kinky doesn't mean you get out of activities if they aren't stimulating. Akasha

caitlyn -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 10:58:11 AM)
I don't have any good advice for you Richard, but sure feel for you ... because I'm exactly the same way. I get bored in a relationship very quickly, and have never been able to fight against it. I have even tried causing trouble, gust because controversy is better than boredom. Supposedly, it's a sign of a hyper-active mind. I don't know if that's true ... but it sure makes you feel better about yourself. [;)]

cloudboy -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 11:45:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaofML ok ok ok ok went to the site still thinking on it. bored? or perhaps frustrated? maybe? maybe...communication..........<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Veronica, sorry, I just have to ask. Does your Mistress have any contact restrictions on you, say one were you always have to be polite, or are you allowed to carp when in the mood?

cloudboy -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 11:49:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: caitlyn I don't have any good advice for you Richard, but sure feel for you ... because I'm exactly the same way. I get bored in a relationship very quickly, and have never been able to fight against it. I have even tried causing trouble, gust because controversy is better than boredom. Supposedly, it's a sign of a hyper-active mind. I don't know if that's true ... but it sure makes you feel better about yourself. [;)] I pray this doesn't make you a fan of negative excitement. Somewhat general to this thread's theme, I can confess to having a fairly short expiration date with most people, before I prefer to leave them and go off on my own. That's partly an introvert thing and its partly my limited tolerance for the shackes of social activity altogether.

AAkasha -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 11:56:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy quote: ORIGINAL: caitlyn I don't have any good advice for you Richard, but sure feel for you ... because I'm exactly the same way. I get bored in a relationship very quickly, and have never been able to fight against it. I have even tried causing trouble, gust because controversy is better than boredom. Supposedly, it's a sign of a hyper-active mind. I don't know if that's true ... but it sure makes you feel better about yourself. [;)] I pray this doesn't make you a fan of negative excitement. Somewhat general to this thread's theme, I can confess to having a fairly short expiration date with most people, before I prefer to leave them and go off on my own. That's partly an introvert thing and its partly my limited tolerance for the shackes of social activity altogether. There is a world of difference between "bored in a relationship" and "bored by some activities in a relationship." I got the impression the OP is happy with his relationship, but that some of the activities are boring. Akasha

veronicaofML -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:16:40 PM)
Veronica, sorry, I just have to ask. Does your Mistress have any contact restrictions on you, say one were you always have to be polite, or are you allowed to carp when in the mood? ================= if i understood the Q i would answer.. carp? thats a fish where "I" come from. what ARE you talking about? polite? i'm a mean ole sumbitch and i thought YOU understood that after we talked in emails.. i am what i am...for the most part a mean ole man that just does his work and wants to be left the hell alone. i'm a hired hand dude...not one of your run of the mill boys on here. i aint part of this mainstream i am 99% vanilla...i TOLD you that in emails. and mood? most folks think i got pms..i am one moody sumbitch.. its why i am on meds for my o.c.d.--- i go up and down more than most people..and i am more down than up.. i was TAUGHT..........TRAINED............by the military....and by my elders...and my 1st Pro Ms... .there is no time for fun n games boy..get off your ass and get something done or you are worthless to me boy.. i take EVERYTHING in life SERIOUS!!!! next question?

AAkasha -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:21:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaofML Veronica, sorry, I just have to ask. Does your Mistress have any contact restrictions on you, say one were you always have to be polite, or are you allowed to carp when in the mood? ================= if i understood the Q i would answer.. carp? thats a fish where "I" come from. what ARE you talking about? polite? i'm a mean ole sumbitch and i thought YOU understood that after we talked in emails.. i am what i am...for the most part a mean ole man that just does his work and wants to be left the hell alone. i'm a hired hand dude...not one of your run of the mill boys on here. i aint part of this mainstream i am 99% vanilla...i TOLD you that in emails. and mood? most folks think i got pms..i am one moody sumbitch.. its why i am on meds for my o.c.d.--- i go up and down more than most people..and i am more down than up.. i was TAUGHT..........TRAINED............by the military....and by my elders...and my 1st Pro Ms... .there is no time for fun n games boy..get off your ass and get something done or you are worthless to me boy.. i take EVERYTHING in life SERIOUS!!!! next question? There are some highly evolved trolls that actually go through the work to develop personalities that are so "out of the world" that they are comical. For a long time I thought this character was for real, but now I don't; someone is having a huge laugh out of this "make believe" character. No one can have a story like that and function with that kind of personality and low intelligence. It's a big joke. I'm not humoring him any more. Akasha

iamdownonmyknees -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:29:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha This is really what it comes down to. However, there's an added element here because the submissive is supposed to be enduring things related to "service" -- and that probably includes things that may not always be dick-throbbing-fun, or include lots of stimulation. I don't mind doing it. Accepting boredom seems a real part of surrender. But she'd like for me to have more positive feelings about it. Richard

AAkasha -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:33:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iamdownonmyknees quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha This is really what it comes down to. However, there's an added element here because the submissive is supposed to be enduring things related to "service" -- and that probably includes things that may not always be dick-throbbing-fun, or include lots of stimulation. I don't mind doing it. Accepting boredom seems a real part of surrender. But she'd like for me to have more positive feelings about it. Richard You wouldn't be bored if you were focussing on making sure your partner knew you were enjoying pleasing her. You get bored if there's nothing to do, nothing to think about, or nothing excting going on. A sub's mind shouldn't be blank, he shouldn't be bored if he is really interested in arousing/amusing his mate -- there's a lot to think about/project/do. Akasha

Noah -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:36:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: complexpainslave My relationship is only partly D/s. This is not a formal owner/slave dynamic. It bothers me greatly that there are things she enjoys that can drop me into boredom. I'm not burning with guilt but because I love her I'd like to see if there is a way for me to break through this. That may not be possible. But maybe one of you has dealt with this and managed to modify your responses. I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at http://www.sensualsadist.com/archives/headspaces/visions_of_boredom.php And share any insights you might have to offer. Thanks, Richard I don't bore easily so I have a hard time relating to someone who does. It seems to me to bespeak a lack of imagination. I wouldn't engage personally with a prospective partner who seemed to have much trouble staying present in any given moment whether serving me or waiting in line at the auto bureau. I like to start with someone reasonable adept at this and then continuously hone the capability. But there you find yourself. Boredom is a sort of discomfort, isn't it? Kind of like the physical discomfort arising from crouching interminably with someone's heels on your back. Suffer the boredom for her. Enter into it. Wallow in it. Hate it. Ramp the discomfort right up to pain if you can and care to. Or if you can't and that is just the problem, then wallow in that. The meta-discomfort, if you'll pardon the expression. Are you there to serve and suffer for her or to be endlessly diverted by her? Hard to think of a whinier complaint than: "I dislike this but I don't dislike it enough and I really dislike that a lot." The complaint (forgive my pointed paraphrase) indicates layers of self-absorbtion exactly where a top might like to find layers of effort to serve. Not that I presume any such simple analysis gets things right. Is this the tip of some much larger submerged issue, for instance? I can't possibly say more about that, having asked. I'd encourage you to consider your propensity for boredom much more broadly meanwhile. Are you pleased to be a person who lacks the internal resources which allow one to engage the world anywhere, any time? Even to engage the world while performing a given task in the sort of context present here? If so, cool. There are worse quirks and limitations; I'm sure I have several. But if you think it might be worthwhile to have the experience of someone who quite generally doesn't encounter boredom then you can back up and take a much bigger look at things. Adjust your thinking and your reading and all of your interactions with an eye toward learning more about engagement, and practicing it. Good luck. One more thought which might sound facetious or just silly (it isn't facetious.) Consider a distinction which might be drawn between the word boredom and the word ennui. Which one best describes the upholstery on your boss's footstool? Maybe a person best addresses ennui somewhat differently from boredom. Maybe it points to a different sort of underlying issue, if any. You seem like the sort of person who could maybe gain a little leverage here. Just looking up the two words won't help much for those who aren't familiar already with the distinction. The lexical definitions are usually awfully close. If instead you note the systematically varying applications of these words in decent literature you can get a sense that there are two distinct sorts of wrinkles in the human condition, though similar, which can be sorted under these headings.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:41:40 PM)
I think as adults we all realize we have to go through some boredom in our lives. Even in D/s there will be moments of boredom on both sides, that's just life. That doesn't mean you purposefully will regularly engage in activities that take up lots of time and space in your schedule that are boring. First off, there's always PLENTY more in life to get done so you don't have to do it together with one person just like a lump on a log. Secondly, I don't know anyone who gets into a relationship hoping their boredom will increase. Sure, a sub obeys and submits and just cuz she's not all sub fuzzy over something doesn't mean you just quit. But I think it's perfectly GOOD to work together, even in Ds situations, so that everyone can try and enjoy more of life.

iamdownonmyknees -> RE: Coping with, perhaps diminishing or eliminating boredom (1/16/2006 12:46:18 PM)
I asked around on several online forums for advice that might help me transform my feelings about human furniture play. (Doing it is no problem, feeling the pleasure that she wishes for me to have in the act is.) I've summarized some of the responses here: http://www.downonmyknees.com/archives/relationship/her_bored_slave.php My thanks to those of you who offered advice. Richard

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