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How to introduce - 2/10/2009 6:00:08 PM   
Lovemetomorrow


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		I have a friend who has a lot of potential to be a Dom and MY Dom. But he knows nothing about BDSM or the lifestyle. I am afraid that if I try to talk to him about it that he will become freaked out.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go about introducing him into the lifestyle?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 6:04:51 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Sure do a search on here in the upper right hand of the page this has been covered so many times and there is good advise there.

Mike

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 6:09:18 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		So what makes you think he would be a good dom? What traits or mannerisms or whatever make you think that there is dom in there? and what kind of dom do you think he would be?

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
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RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 6:30:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First of all, if he will be freaked out and tell you to never darken his door again, then he isn't the right man for you.

Beyond that, unless you know he is super religious, just be low key about it. Tell him that you feel better in a relationship where the rules of who does what is communicated and understood. And that you are happier when with a man who takes the lead between you and not with a man who prefers that you make most of the decisions.

Nothing scary there. But that's personal relationship stuff. I get the feeling what you're afraid of talking about is rough play. With that, almost everybody will be fine if a little embarrassed if asked if they have ever wanted to tie their partner up.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to feydeplume)
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RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 7:58:25 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		bring home a Bdsm tape one night ...leave it in the dvd,vcr,whatever...and see what happens..LOL..I used todo that to dates...snickers..the ones that stayed I kept..grins..Huntertn

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 8:01:17 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		A completely honest and open conversation.

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 10:33:14 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lovemetomorrow

I have a friend who has a lot of potential to be a Dom and MY Dom. But he knows nothing about BDSM or the lifestyle. I am afraid that if I try to talk to him about it that he will become freaked out.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go about introducing him into the lifestyle?


Do you think he's a dominant for any particular reason or because you want him to be your dom?

I'd talk to him and find out if he's interested in a relationship with you and then figure out the dom thing.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How to introduce - 2/10/2009 11:41:53 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lovemetomorrow

I have a friend who has a lot of potential to be a Dom and MY Dom. But he knows nothing about BDSM or the lifestyle. I am afraid that if I try to talk to him about it that he will become freaked out.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go about introducing him into the lifestyle?



There is a classic scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie 'cleverly' places an opened magazine on the bed for his parents to see, hoping to sucker them into seeing an ad for a Red Ryder BB gun.

If that technique doesn't work out too well, or if simple communication won't cut it, you've got a tough road to hoe, as they say. Since you feel he holds so much potential, perhaps it won't be as hard as you think. Try to avoid directing him toward the circus freak shows, however. Offer the example that D/s can be a natural, sensual and highly pleasurable way of life without hokey dungeons or latex-clad gimps. Do avoid enthroning him with your own will, too; if you really want him to be dominant over you, resist the urge to be the King Maker.



< Message edited by MarcEsadrian -- 2/10/2009 11:51:37 PM >

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
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RE: How to introduce - 2/11/2009 2:57:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Suggest.

"I like how you always seem to be in control of situations."
'There's something about how strong you are that makes me feel more feminine."

Even if he isn't a Dom now, you may help him discover his Dom side.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How to introduce - 2/11/2009 10:25:00 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i was actually in this situation a few years ago and now the person who i just knew was Dominant and kinky is in fact my Dominant, if you would like to talk offline via email in collarme, please feel free.

To add what i did was talk a little bit about myself to start with. This Man had the idea, because it is the image that i portray, that i was pure as the driven snow. i slowly revealed little bits and pieces of myself, gauging His reaction to it, just to get Him used to the idea that it was okay to be kinky and it was okay to be kinky with me.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How to introduce - 2/11/2009 8:16:55 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		What have you got to lose by asking him????  if he is not into it why would you want him???

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to introduce - 2/12/2009 8:21:14 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I've tried that exact thing, attempted to create my own dom out of a grown man who had no business in the lifestyle.  Bad idea, he turned out to be a flop.  Not to mention he was 'acting' all dom just for my sake, which sucked!

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How to introduce - 2/12/2009 10:24:34 AM   
sensura


Posts: 71
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline 		My thoughts are be open and talk to him. I have had vanilla partners that I have talked to about becoming my dom, I showed them literature, movies, and told them exactly who I am and what I need in life. Of course dont start of with hardcore bdsm just guide them slowly, they will either have an interest or not. The other thing that for me anyhow is the fact that one has to be truly dominant or submissive to succeed in this lifestyle. I know alot of us have it deep down somewhere but are afraid to bring it out as a result of what society has taught us and expects of us. However, I am one that does not conform to society so I live my  life as I see fit. You will know if he has any desire once you open up to him, and if he dosent then stay friends and move on, If he does then even better.

best of luck

sensura

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How to introduce - 2/12/2009 8:56:23 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

how to go about introducing him into the lifestyle?


Maybe I am missing something, but wouldn't that make you the dom? I think you have a high chance of failure, and it makes you manipulative, too. That is not a good trait. Square peg in round hole, remember?

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How to introduce - 2/12/2009 10:55:51 PM   
TechLord


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline 		Many years ago there was a song...

Communication is the answer to the problem...

I would go with that. Don't start fast and deep, take it slow and let him get his feet wet and try the waters... Like they used to say...Try it... You'll like it... :)

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to introduce - 2/13/2009 5:59:34 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

how to go about introducing him into the lifestyle?


Maybe I am missing something, but wouldn't that make you the dom? I think you have a high chance of failure, and it makes you manipulative, too. That is not a good trait. Square peg in round hole, remember?



How would that make someone the Dominant to introduce someone to a lifestyle that he or she might click with but didn't know existed? It would be like saying anyone who cooks a different kind of food to feed to others or suggests a different kind of restaurant is a Dominant.

If someone introduces another to the lifestyle with no preconceived ideas about that person being something to them other than a friend, how is that manipulative? When i introduced the lifestyle to the person who later became my Dominant, it was not with that purpose in mind. Rather it was the farthest things from my mind at the time. He was everything that i wasn't looking for in a Dominant. He was and is a friend and that is why i introduced Him to the lifestyle. i saw in Him that He was naturally Dominant and kinky, but that society had taught Him that He shouldn't be. So there was nothing that could fail, He is and was a very accepting, "do what you do" kind of person.

And i'm sure i must be reading this incorrectly, but it seems like you are saying that only a Dominant can introduce someone into the lifestyle, and i'm assuming that would be a Dominant introducing someone He or She wants as His or Her submissive, but a submissive can't tell anyone about the lifestyle. Hmmm, no one told me i wasn't supposed to tell anyone else about the lifestyle as i have told not only people who ended up being Dominant, but people who ended up being Switches and Submissives. Where is that rule book when one needs it?

heartfelt



_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to introduce - 2/13/2009 6:01:46 AM   
Serenelysmiles


Posts: 46
Joined: 11/7/2008
Status: offline 		You know you might be surprised.  I've had my vanilla periods in the past, when I was younger (20's) and struggling with the whole BDSM concept.  After a while, as was always the case, I would be drawn back into the lifestyle, and these "boyfriends" would never last.  What was often surprising, though, was their reactions when I explained to them what I was really about.  Most people have some sort of BDSM fantasy to a varying degree.  A lot of times, as even the vanilla men I dated had Dominant personality characteristics, they were more than happy to oblige with pulling me over their knees, so you just never know.  If he's not going to be into it, and you are, chances are the relationship would be unfulfilling and boring for you.  Honesty is always the best policy in these cases.  You might try breaking him in slowly.  Delve into his fantasies, maybe try to get him to tie you up, or give you an OTK spanking if the two of you have a physical relationship.  There are a lot of books that you can refer him to if he's interested, and he is desirous of more information, as well as dozens of websites.  Good Luck.

_____________________________

Peace, love and light.

Namaste',

serene

"Though art to me a delicious torment." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

"Wit is well-bred insolence."~Aristotle~

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to introduce - 2/13/2009 11:46:51 AM   
Godhand502


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/27/2008
From: Louisville, Kentucky, USA
Status: offline 		Take baby steps. When I look back on ho I got into the lifestyle, there wasn't just one day years ago where I woke up and was like "I'm a mega Dom!"...There was no woman that approached me out the blue and said "be my Dom", either. It started with me slowly getting involved in more and more kink until I gradually ended up in the BDSM world. There was no magic turning point. Stuff started as me and a girlfriend getting some handcuffs....then a tickler...then a sex swing...then, well you get the drift. There wasn't any conversation where my first slave asked to be my slave or I her Master. It just kind of evolved that way. You don't even have to bring him into the community until he is deep down the rabbit hole. It took me YEARS before I got involved in the community. Just bump up the kinkiness step by step until he finds himself deep in the realms of BDSM. Its a more natural progression.

(in reply to Serenelysmiles)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to introduce - 3/8/2009 3:21:09 PM   
Interesdom


Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline 		Therre's a lot of good advice here and elsewhere.  Much of the advice falls into two camps:
1)  Jump him with what you want and if he runs away, he wasn't right for you anyway.
2)  Lead him gradually and carefully to free up the dominant man within him from the social norms that would have all men as wimps.

If you're not in love yet, and don't want a relationship with the man unless he will dominate you in just the way you want, I'd say number 1 is a good option.  Fast, direct, simple, no time wasted.

If you love the man already, or are happy to be with whatever form his dominance will take once you release him from social restraints, then number 2 is safest, surest and likely to leave him his self-esteem because pretty much everything will be his idea.

Be aware, though, that in letting him dominate as he wants you might find that you release someone you can't live with (as an extreme example, suppose he has always had secret fantasies about breaking ribs during sex?).  Also, you may find that while his dominance comes out, it stops at a point that leaves you unsatisfied: and you won't know that until you have spent a lot of time with him.

Best wishes.

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 19
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