Advice and help needed

Advice and help needed (Full Version)

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anonsubuk -> Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 10:59:28 AM)
Just to set the scene - I'm a regular poster on these boards, but for reasons you'll understand once you read further through this post, I've chosen to remain anonymous. Several weeks ago I met someone from cm. We had a couple of vanilla dates, and he was the perfect gentleman. So, I invited him for dinner. We ate, had a couple of drinks, and started fooling around on the sofa. Then he produced a knife and cut me before I was even aware of what he was doing. He continued cutting me, telling me he was going to make a design on me. It hurt, and I asked him to stop. Cutting is very much on my list of hard limits. I don't know what happened next. I think my brain must have frozen or something, because it was suddenly as if it was back to being a 'date' again, although I was in real pain and bleeding. I had no idea how to react, what to do - I just stopped thinking completely. I know we had sex. I didn't want to, but I was scared to say no. The guy had a knife, right? I even asked him to use a condom, but he refused. I can't remember when it ended, but I was numb for days. Tried to forget it happened. Tried to reason it out, tried to block it out. But I can't any more. I plan to contact some kind of support line, but I don't know where to start. I also need to go get checked for STIs and the thought makes me physically vomit - I feel ashamed, dirty, angry, violated, ugly.... It can't be rape because I didn't say no. I couldn't - my brain stopped working after the first cut. Please please tell me, someone out there, that there is light at the end of this long, dark tunnel? I've never felt like this before, and I'm scared. Scared I'll never feel clean again, scared I'll never want to have sex again, scared I'll just go on feeling like I do at the moment. This is not meant to be a 'poor me' thread, and I hope that anyone who wants to post negative comments about 'stupid subs' or drama queens will not do so. I have no-one to talk to about this, and I'm hoping someone in the UK will be able to point me in the right direction to get help because I have no clue where to start. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

KatyLied -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:06:38 AM)
Please seek assistance from a crisis hotline or women's shelter. They are trained to offer assistance.

missturbation -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:08:45 AM)
Whether you were raped or not you were assaulted. I personally would report this to the police but can understand if you are reluctant to do this. I can only suggest searching for womens crisis lines on something like google. There are bound to be plenty there.

anonsubuk -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:12:33 AM)
Thank you ladies. I will google - that would normally be my first stop, but my brain is pretty much shit at the moment. For a normally decisive, take-charge kind of person I've turned into a complete waste of space. I can't report it to the police. I can't go through it all again in public, and I'm sure that enough information about my private life would come out that would pretty much ensure the end of my teaching career. But I appreciate your help - you have NO idea how much difference your replies have made to me. I don't feel so alone any more.

missturbation -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:15:52 AM)
Please don't think you are alone in any shape or form. If you need to talk my mail box is open anytime. I can give you my msn or a mobile number which you can call any time if you feel you could use the support.

corysub -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:16:24 AM)
I would agree with a previous poster and seek help from a local association that has trained people who were assaulted as you were. Maybe even NOW, an organization that I generally have little regard might be helpful in this type of situation. Not know your financial situation getting an attorney would also be something to considered. You were attacked with a knife, you were intimidated into unprotected sex, and you should not let this go by the boards. This animal knows where you live and you have to do something about this before, God forbid, he calls and "tries to make friends' kinda nonsense. Edited to delete what I REALLY would like to do..

aravain -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:20:07 AM)
You were raped. You were frightened and under durress. There was no way that you could have (technically) consented to having sex with him. Regardless, you DID ask him to stop. Him cutting you without consent was the first boundry he trampled on, but when you said stop you withdrew any and all consent. If you have personal information (name, phone number, even type of car he drives or what city/town/whatever he lives in) this can and will be extremely helpful. Call a rape crisis hotline, ask them what you have to do to report it, and pleasepleasePLEASE report it. Get this predator out of the general public! Going through the trial, while hard, will be therapeutic for you. If you haven't washed the sheets (if this ended up moving to the bed), DON'T, put them in a plastic bag. If you haven't washed your clothes from that night, DON'T. If you haven't vaccumed/cleaned the couch DON'T (and try to keep off it). There's still hope for you... you need to get counciling right away. You dissassociated, that's normal, but it will continue to come back, bits at a time. A good, trusty social worker/counceler/psychologist WILL help, even if it takes time. I feel for you. Please get help, the faster you do... the faster you take your own life back into your hands and can heal properly.

anonsubuk -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:41:26 AM)
Again - thank you all. I have the number of a rape crisis line, and I will call them in a few moments. I've wracked my brains about reporting this guy, but I can't think of a way that wouldn't jeopardise my career. Just one whiff of bdsm, rape and respectable schoolteacher would destroy the career I love. I've already lost so much, I can't bear to lose any more. All I can do is warn as many people as possible, and I'm doing my best to make sure that happens.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:45:31 AM)
Dear Anon, freezing while being raped is commonly experienced, it's a survival mechanism. As has been previously suggested, you need to ensure you are safe, remain safe and that your attack is documented. So please do find a woman's shelter or crisis hotline in your area and telephone, today, for advice on how to proceed from here.

feydeplume -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:50:58 AM)
You will get through this and you will keep the life that you love. We (and we are many on this board) that have been where you are will all tell you that. Expect cmails of concern and support. Report the bastard.

oneserene -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 11:52:59 AM)
"I feel ashamed, dirty, angry, violated, ugly.... It can't be rape because I didn't say no. I couldn't - my brain stopped working after the first cut. " Yes, it was rape. Your brain did what it could do at that moment to protect itself, it retreated into hiding and shut down to protect your sanity. I know because I reacted the exact same way less than a month ago when it happened to me. For 48 hours I went through denial that it had happened, self blame for not fighting, screaming, ANYTHING to stop what was happening and that was the hardest part for me to accept and understand too. When I finally started to emerge from the "fog", the flash backs brought on severe panic attacks that left me curled up in a corner terrified and shaking until I knew that I had to talk to someone about it. Because of the nature of the relationship <D/s> I contacted a Domme that I've known for several years and asked Her to meet with me. Thankfully, She met with me and I have to say that calling Her was the best thing that I could have done. Your first concern should be your health, emotional and physical. Get tested for every std that you can be tested for at this time. There are two that you will need to wait at least 60 days before taking but get them scheduled now. Second, talk to someone, anyone! It is difficult to come to acceptance with this "thing" until you hear yourself saying it. But I promise that it will get easier the more you talk about it. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk or just vent. And you might find some peace and strength at a website that I stumbled upon called www.aftersilence.org and I believe that it is based in the UK. It has helped quite a bit for me and maybe can help you too. Blessings and hugs, oneserene

calamitysandra -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:00:25 PM)
It was in no way your fault, you were assaulted and violated. Do get professional help, don't let a feeling of shame keep you from it. I would advise to report him, risking a career is not worth the trouble you might be making for yourself if you do not report. If he feels that he can do that to you without any consequences, you make yourself into a target for him in the future. Plus, how would you deal if you learned that he did this to more woman after you? That you might have stopped him? You did do nothing wrong, getting legal help/advice might help to reduce your risk when it comes to your job.

subangi -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:12:19 PM)
Hugs

CatdeMedici -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:15:11 PM)
Assault with a deadly weapon and rape---pure and simple---file a police report, get tested, get counselling AND PRESS CHARGES!

feydeplume -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:20:03 PM)
And KNOW that you are not alone in this. We are here for you. There is always someone wake on the forums willing to spend time with you and listen and care. There are people on the other end of your phone just waiting to hear you call and to listen and let you talk as long as you want. You will get through the fear and shame and anger. They pass. You will still have YOUR life and your safety and the love and respect of many, many people.

Kirata -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:26:35 PM)
Prosecutions for rape tend to be almost as traumatic for the victim as the crime itself, and you don't appear inclined to take that route. Too, given that you live in the UK, you have approximately zero options for providing yourself with and using any certain-to-be-effective method of self-defense (i.e., a firearm). So at the risk of getting trashed for suggesting this, if you have any male friends who care for you, you might want to confide in them. Because a couple of the right kind of guys will know how to explain to this fellow, in terms he will understand, the unwiseness of pursuing any further interests along these lines where you're concerned. Right now, you're on the menu as a tempting and defenseless morsel who's afraid to report him. That's not a good way to leave things. K.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:39:34 PM)
Also, to add, offenders use our desire for anonymity as yet another tool to frighten people into silence, and remain silent. quote: ORIGINAL: Kirata you're on the menu as a tempting and defenseless morsel who's afraid to report him. That's not a good way to leave things.

Kirata -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:51:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan offenders use our desire for anonymity as yet another tool to frighten people into silence, and remain silent. Not to mention that rape gets a little harder to prove the second or third time. K.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 12:52:12 PM)
It can't be stated often enough. While it will be difficult, and damn near as traumatic as the event itself, REPORT the piece of shit and FILE CHARGES. You did not give your consent. He violated you physically and emotionally. Regardless of the decision that you make - please take a moment every now and then to remember that you are not alone, and that there are many of us who are more than willing to lend an ear or help in any way we can to get you through this as unscathed as possible.

feydeplume -> RE: Advice and help needed (2/11/2009 1:12:05 PM)
Instead of having a friend of mine risk jail time and having the whole thing become a media circus, I would (and did) just report the bastard, survived the "rape kit", trial, and had the satisfaction of knowing that he wouldn't be raping any more 18 year olds (minus a few years) and that Bubba would be showing him just how much fun i had. Cops, prison guards and other inmates have a real vicious streak when it comes to rapists. Getting somewhere where you feel safe, a friend's house or changing the locks or whatever is a good thing and a way to start taking back your safety and your life.

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