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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: moving on/letting go (2/13/2009 9:47:59 AM)
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Before going any further, know that you are -already- moving on. It isn't something you start doing all of a sudden. It is every moment, every choice made, from the time that change began to happen. You're already -doing- it. It seems to me that what you're -really- asking is "When will the pain stop, and how can I survive until then?" The answer is, you take every single moment for itself. Accept that you're going to have bad moments, but that they -will- go away... and they will become fewer and fewer as time goes by, until you spend entire -days- without thinking about your loss.
Find something to keep yourself occupied. Even if you volunteer, spend some time making other people or creatures who are struggling to have an easier life, and you'll find that your own problems start to take up less and less space in the course of your day. Take an hour or three away from the TV a week, and give it to someone who is having a hard time. Maybe consider answering phones at a crisis center, or working at the Women's Shelter... or bringing things to life in a community garden project... but whatever you do, make it about healing something outside of yourself, and as you do, you'll not ONLY meet some really awesome people, and have the opportunity to make new relationships, but you'll also find that helping other folks with -their- problems leaves you a lot less time to sit around dwelling on the slow but steady progress of your own healing.
When you're healed there will still be plenty of time to think about getting involved in another relationship. If you get involved in another relationship while you're still struggling with your own healing, the new relationship will put a strain on that healing process -- any time we enter a new relationship, it is a stressor, and it is best not to add too many of those on a newly healing heart. Learn to open your heart in -other- ways (like the volunteering idea) first... then, as the pain diminishes, you can think about opening your heart romantically. If there is still unhealed damage and a new relationship is started, there is also the tendency for that new relationship to specifically inflame the area where one was 'stuck' in the healing process, as well as things that were never touched on because the healing wasn't complete... so bad habits of the old relationship that made it unhealthy may be repeated in the new relationship, and so on, and so on, compounding on one another because, not being whole, we dont' necessarily know how to find people who complement our healthy, whole way of 'being'.
Last, don't think that all your memories of the person you held dear have to go away. There -will- come a time when you can look back, and see some of the wonderful things that you shared, and it won't hurt... so don't wish for oblivion... just give yourself time and space to return to yourself (then you can decide whether or not you're ready to yield up parts of yourself to a communion again).
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