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typesgirl -> BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 5:25:02 AM)

Good morning to A/all!
Master and i recently discovered a BDSM club surprisingly close to our home but then found out that it has recieved lots of media coverage lately and is currently going through zoning review and lots of other political turmoil. Because it's in a small town the press seems to want to circle it like vultures and so W/we haven't gone there yet. I'm a PhD candidate and an instructor at a state college and Master also has an important job at a very conservative company so W/we don't want to take risks with activities that might effect our jobs.

It makes me sad that we have to make this decision because i very much wanted to go to the club. How do the rest of you feel about your lifestyle choice and your public face? If you have a position in the community or a job that would be negatively effected by your lifestyle choice being made public, how do you handle it?

How do you balance being free with who you are and the potential negative effects of your lifestyle being made public?
typesgirl



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 5:53:47 AM)

I wish it were no big deal. I wish I could talk about being poly and a slave as easily and casually as people talk about their kids and spouses. Some people who are VERY out and VERY active within their community have built that for themselves, but I'm not quite that out.

I am pretty comfortable with it though. I can afford to be pretty out and not paranoid. Others don't have those luxuries. I think the best we can do is be good examples of ourselves.



Sartoris32801 -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 5:57:15 AM)

Life is often measured by weighing risks and rewards.

Investing in T Bills is virtually risk free offering a minimal return.
Selling coke offers colossal returns and along with it exceptionally high risks.

BDSM is an easy target for “The moral majority” politicians, law enforcement officials, and or the media. Good people have lost well paying jobs, careers destroyed, had children taken from them, been draw into court and incurred large legal fees to defend their choice from small minded individuals or worse, those looking to advance a political career. I admire the courage of those individual, the fights they fought, but for me the rewards are not worth the risk. I chose to keep that part of my life private.

Sartoris



IrishMist -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 5:59:47 AM)

quote:

How do the rest of you feel about your lifestyle choice and your public face? If you have a position in the community or a job that would be negatively effected by your lifestyle choice being made public, how do you handle it?


I handle mine very openly and honestly. I work at the prosecutors office, and quite a few of my co-workers know about me. I did not go through the offices shouting it; they asked, I told them the truth. Most were very accepting of it, and we sometimes manage to have some very good conversations that center around BDSM. But then there are some who are immature enough to make the catty, snide, rude comments. I just smile at those, and don't let them affect me. They are not worth the waste of emotion that anger brings.

quote:

How do you balance being free with who you are and the potential negative effects of your lifestyle being made public?


I have always been very open about who I am, and what I am. My family knows, my daughter has asked me questions before...which I answer as honestly as I can ( don't ask, it was not intentional ), and the same goes with anyone on the street who would ask me about it. I answer honestly. With the exception of my daughter, it really matters not whether anyone else understands or accepts my decisions or not.



thetammyjo -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 6:46:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

How do the rest of you feel about your lifestyle choice and your public face? If you have a position in the community or a job that would be negatively effected by your lifestyle choice being made public, how do you handle it?


I handle mine very openly and honestly. I work at the prosecutors office, and quite a few of my co-workers know about me. I did not go through the offices shouting it; they asked, I told them the truth. Most were very accepting of it, and we sometimes manage to have some very good conversations that center around BDSM. But then there are some who are immature enough to make the catty, snide, rude comments. I just smile at those, and don't let them affect me. They are not worth the waste of emotion that anger brings.

quote:

How do you balance being free with who you are and the potential negative effects of your lifestyle being made public?


I have always been very open about who I am, and what I am. My family knows, my daughter has asked me questions before...which I answer as honestly as I can ( don't ask, it was not intentional ), and the same goes with anyone on the street who would ask me about it. I answer honestly. With the exception of my daughter, it really matters not whether anyone else understands or accepts my decisions or not.


This is the exact same way I've handled things. (I am also an advance graduate student and college instructor by the way).

Yes, there was one ocassion when someone at my university tried to use my kink and my writing against me but because I am honest about myself when asked, don't hide it, and yet quite frankly have a fairly mundane life overall that focuses on the needs at hand, I was chosen over a tenured professor for a committee because the department could see I was behaving as a professional and my private life is my private life.

It wasn't mentioned what type of group this was -- private club, support/education organization, munch, club for profit, etc -- and so I'm wondering why its in the mass media of your area. I do think this is an important issue. Just because one group is public, for whatever reason, doesn't mean there aren't others, just that they are more quiet (for whatever reasons).

You should judge a group by many factors, how public they are is only one of them. I mean, you could a very private group where everything there knows each other and has parties but frankly between them all isn't very safe or capable of teaching or evaluating safety issues OR which constantly falls into bickering at the drop of a hat. Or the other hand a big group could be too focused on profit or on power issues or being showy to really help you connect with others. A group that is public could have the means to draw in more people and better teachers/shows/whatever but run a risk of drawing negative attention. Its all plus and minus and only you can weight that.

You should also ask yourself how much your employers really seem to care about such matters. In my years in academia (and I've been a full-time instructor as well as just a student), the biggests concerns are getting published in your field, drawing large numbers of students to your classes regularly, participanted in departmental matters semi-regularly, did your committee work, showed up for a bit to the departmental "party", and helped with departmental promotions. The only time your private life (partner, kids, health) really mattered was when they interfered with the above.

I'm going to be very bold and say that we as individuals are often more worried about what others will think than what others really care to spend any time on. Most people are too involved (by necessity and need) with their own lives unless someone or something draws their attention -- even then most people seem to have short attention spans.



MasterRobert1 -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 6:50:45 AM)

Let's face it: this lifestyle is still not accepted by society in general. And people still discriminate against practitioners of BDSM. Not only that, but it's still illegal in most (all? I'm not sure) states (that is an important aspect to not be over looked). If you're public standing is of importance, then discretion is still the better part of valor.



JohnWarren -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 7:07:17 AM)

I can fully understand your fear. Coming out for me was a very hard decision since I was between positions as a university professor, a job where a lot of people have a direct input on one's employment and it's easy for prejudice to play a big part in that decision.

When Loving Dominant was being written, the plan was to publish it under my scene name, Mentor, but after it was accepted for publication, Libby and I had some long, heart-felt discussions (after all, if I came out, I'd be dragging her along to an extent) and we decided that the book needed the credibility of a real name on the cover.

In my job search after the book came out, no one ever mentioned knowing about Loving Dominant, but I was never offered another teaching post and ended up running my own company.

That's the downside.

The upside is that for an individual, being around like minded individuals can be a wonderfully uplifting and educational experience and one can add a lot to groups by bringing in one's background and enthusiasm.

Another factor to consider is that as long as we stay in the shadows, it is easy for others to demonize us and by keeping politicians ignorant of how many of us there are, we set a stage where they feel no desire to defend our rights.

For example, one of the most powerful tools the gays had were the gay rights marches that began after Stonewall. Politicians aren't all that smart but they can count head and when, in NYC, hundreds of thousands march, they don't see just heads; they see votes.



LadySiraufgaube -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 8:33:57 AM)

I don't know if the difference is that I live in canada but there aren't that many clubs, atleast that I have ben able to find, to join. There are some area munches but theones I have tried are rather cliquish and newcomers not that welcome. So we live a rather quiet home life.



Sartoris32801 -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 9:21:21 AM)

Private clubs: They are few and far between in this area; one that comes to mind is one level above a “toilet”

A few years ago there was a private club in this area which became a target for whatever personal agenda. The club was closed by authorities and tapes seized. Much to the chagrin of many, it was discovered that the owners had been surreptitiously recording scene participants. BDSM makes for the sensationalism that local news media feeds on. Among the fallout were people either living in anticipation or actually visiting the local police station to see if they had a “supporting role” in the seized recordings.

Munches, I’ve had the same experience with the clichés, and I’ve had good experiences where the group welcomed new comers. The organizers made the difference in the general atmosphere.


Sartoris



truesub4u -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 10:08:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert1

Let's face it: this lifestyle is still not accepted by society in general. And people still discriminate against practitioners of BDSM. Not only that, but it's still illegal in most (all? I'm not sure) states (that is an important aspect to not be over looked). If you're public standing is of importance, then discretion is still the better part of valor.


I agree Master Robert.

I believe I stated some of this in a previous thread. I was in a M/s relationship with my previous Master from 91 to 96. During this time frame upon his command of me. I gave birth twice. About a year after our second was born. Master decided he would prefer to go back to a vanilla life style. Upon trying this. We ended up splitting up. Now we were never married. So no divorce was brought into the picture. (Unless some seen us married by common law. But it was not reconized in California) Anyways upon the split not 1 time, but 2 times now. He's tried to use my lifestyle as a weapon against me in gaining custody of said off spring.

Luckily for me California dismissed it as pure BS. And was even told by Judge, that if he tried to move forward, his own lifestyle would be brought forward. So in 2001 he tried again to use my life style as a means against me in North Carolina. Being smack dap in the middle of Bible belt. He damn near succeeded.

It's bad enough to have to pull back from strangers.. but to have to out and out lie just to protect ones self and family. SUCKS. Especially from one who use to own you and is forcing you to take on a Dominant way to protect. When you are use to being protected. It takes on a whole new prospective.

I did have to explain myself to co-workers that heard of the court room drama. Only a few thought anything. Boss laughed.. his wife fired me... LOL



yourMissTress -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 10:37:58 AM)

I made a decision a few years ago that I would try to be as honest as possible in all aspects of my life. Thus far it's not backfired on me and has lead to many great things opening up for me. It may be that in the future this policy could cause me some heartache and pain, but it has left me with a clear conscience.

I'm in sales for a company that has some of the most notable commercials on the air. Name recognition and company image are at the top of their list of priorities. For the sake of my job as well as pure professionalism, I don't make my personal life anyone's business however, if I were asked by one of my superiors I would be forthcoming and open about my lifestyle.
As for other activities not involving BDSM, i.e. membership in charitable and community organizations, PTA, and others...while I don't wear a flogger or a crop as an accessory, I also don't hide anything. If I am asked a question I answer it honestly.
I am also a divorced parent with sole custody of the "unmentionable" and an exremely jealous exhusband. He would do anything in his power to hurt me. That being said, my unmentionable is kept very gaurded from anything connected to the lifestyle, but again, if he asked, I would be honest and open about it, as well as the fact that she is completely sheilded.



DungeonSpain -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 10:47:09 AM)

Hi there

Back home in the United Kingdom, I was fairly high ranking in one of the emergency services, and for that reason never disclosed my interests. the same was true of my partner who was also fairly senior in her own sphere of work. Consequently, we visited clubs in the midlands area of England, so as not to be recgnised.

We came down to Spain abpout four years ago, and opened a professional dungeon ourselves, and has thrived and grown beyond our hopes.
Problem was that the newspapers (one of the worst kind) who exposed us to the public ...pictures, quotes, the whole bit.

Bottom line on this ....STAY QUIET and bide your time ... sounds cowardly, but do you really want to take that chance ?

Regards

Iron Damsel and Highlander
aka Jane and Stewart
www.bondagedominationspain.com



wolffeathers -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 11:59:58 AM)

I don't hide who I am.

I also don't flaunt it.

If someone askes, I'll be honest, and say "It's none of your concern what I do in private".

That simple.

However, if someone seems intrested in BDSM, S/m, or Gor, I will talk to them about it.

Hasn't backfired yet.

Oh, and I work security for a major magizine publisher, therefore it can hurt me.



Sensualips -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 12:45:02 PM)

n/m



Slipstreme -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 1:40:03 PM)

I do not hide who I am.

As far as I'm concerned, if someone sees something say, that I am drawing, writing, it was their choice to come over and look at it. Although I do typically try to draw/ write such items away from prying eyes.

If someone asks, I answer their questions for them best I can. Although, there isn't much that is really a giveaway for me, other than the fact that I can not lie. I've tried before. It doesn't work. And a couple of people look at me strange when I wear my collar [26in choke chain] in public, but this has many connotations including: I like it, so why not? (Collars for me don't really have to signify anything, unless you choose it to signify such.)

I figured, I would go on living my life, and if anyone had a problem with it. They could deal with it, plain and simple.

Of course, there are some things I try to hide, such as marks, simply because I don't want someone to worry about me.

For the most part, I'm out, and honestly, it makes me feel better knowing I don't have to lie about who I am.

Plus, I'm just in general, wierd. Another eccentricity won't really scare the people I know.



truesub4u -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 2:42:48 PM)

Sometimes it's not that simple. I lived life thinking I had no worries, no shame. Until my former Master turned tables on me.

Now years later. I feel the same. But I stay leary of the fact that there simply are folks out there that ,

1 do not understand,
2 do NOT want to understand
3 are idiots. And the idiots I am refering to are the ones who think if it's not done their way, it's the wrong way.

But be how it may be, they're out there. And will if able, cause trouble for those that they consider to be different from them. If they find it's going to benefit them in some way shape or form. For some, it's job promotions. Other's ( like my ex) it's custody.

So it's not a fact of WANTING to hide, or being shamed. It's a fact of simply surviving every day life and the way we HAVE to live.



MistressSassy66 -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 3:24:19 PM)

My friends that are vanilla know about it,some of the people at the library I volunteer at know.The head librarian is interested and has gotten the Story of O and a book by Susie Santiago,darned if I can think of the name, for the library.

I'm lucky to have an understanding community,workplace and friends.

I dont hide the relationship My girl and I have,I cant live like that...not being true to who I am,makes Me feel like I'm ashamed to be who I am.
I'm far from being ashamed,I'm proud to embrace Myself...I think I'll give Myself a hug...lol (hug)



Evanesce -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 3:26:15 PM)

quote:

Master and i recently discovered a BDSM club surprisingly close to our home but then found out that it has recieved lots of media coverage lately and is currently going through zoning review and lots of other political turmoil. Because it's in a small town the press seems to want to circle it like vultures and so W/we haven't gone there yet. I'm a PhD candidate and an instructor at a state college and Master also has an important job at a very conservative company so W/we don't want to take risks with activities that might effect our jobs.

It makes me sad that we have to make this decision because i very much wanted to go to the club. How do the rest of you feel about your lifestyle choice and your public face? If you have a position in the community or a job that would be negatively effected by your lifestyle choice being made public, how do you handle it?

How do you balance being free with who you are and the potential negative effects of your lifestyle being made public?


If you're referring to the same "private" club that very recently became more public than its members appear to have been prepared for, then I can sympathize with your feelings. I used to attend a very nice little club in a college town, which was shut down when they "lost their lease," but I wouldn't touch that new one with someone else's pole! The owners certainly weren't using their heads when they went public.

Only you can decide where your comfort level is. You live in a conservative state, and the potential for losing your livelihood is very real here. I'm out to everyone who knows me (and to a reporter who wrote one of the first articles on that club), and if someone else were to "discover" my lifestyle, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do to harm me. Not legally, anyway. But not everyone can do this, and every time you step out in public as an acknowledged member of a lifestyle "group," you run the risk of outing yourself, or being outed by someone else.

But the alternative is to stay home, never tell anyone of your interests, never attend meetings or seminars or clubs or parties, never get divorced or separated from your current partner, and keep it all behind locked doors. That's the only sure-fire way no one will ever discover your secret.

Personally, I reveal this side of me on a "need to know" basis only. Family knows, friends know, coworkers know I'm not quite like them, but it's really no one else's business unless I choose to make it so.



krikket -> RE: BDSM and Public Life (1/17/2006 5:44:36 PM)

While i don't lie about my preferences, i also don't bring them up. When my lifestyle was strictly vanilla i felt the same way -- what i prefer isn't anyone's business -- period!! i have to admit i don't go to public parties very often, and it's only recently that i even put my picture on my profile. i didn't want to give my ex any reason to hang his not paying child support on. Since the unmentionable is now 21 it's become a non-issue. i think we each have to weigh our choices with how our "coming out" will effect the rest of our life. If it's negative then i say just be quite about it, especially in a small town. One solution might be to plan a special outting (a mini vacation perhaps) and attend one of the "big city" conventions that are held around the country. Even if i don't play publically i've found that going out like that is just what i need, on occasion. It recharges my batteries, and it's just do darn much fun to be able to talk openly about that area of my life.

Good luck...

jimini



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