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RE: Trust - 2/16/2009 7:48:29 AM

cuffncollar

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Why explain anything to anyone? Sometimes friends don't see or talk to eachother for days/weeks.
cuffs

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RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 9:10:59 AM

DesFIP

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Pouting is unattractive in a dominant.

Me? I picked someone who understood that I would learn to trust him as time went on, and that time together is what earned him more trust. Having trust demanded unearned would be a huge red flag for me, and would make me trust him less. As would the refusing to talk to me.

I would rethink what you need in a relationship for the future. Do you really want someone who doesn't listen to you, doesn't talk to you, and ignores you if you say anything that isn't about getting him hard?

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Post #: 22

RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 11:24:38 AM

littleone35

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It is true safewords have nothng to do with trust. I trust my Master with my life but we do have safewords for unforseen circumatances. If am tied up in a certain posiyion position and i am gettin cramps, or somethbg he is doing just does not feel right,. I have never had to use them but i am glad we have them.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 23

RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 7:34:20 PM

antipode

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quote:

We've been together 6 months.

I am surprised this comes up after 6 months - it is just about the first thing I discuss. And FWIW, if he is playing hard to get, do the same to him. I am not seeing how his attitude is reasonable, should not such a big deal to put your mind at rest. But if you've never raised this in six months, I too would wonder where this came from, all of a sudden.

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RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 7:44:47 PM

maybemaybenot

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snip :
" Sir and I were planning an evening together yesterday, via IM. We were discussing safewords and trust....."

Maybe I am confused or misreading something here, but why do you need a safeword for cyberplay via IM ?

mbmbn

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RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 8:30:25 PM

Missokyst

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I used to chat with my X nightly for 7 yrs. And we were very much real time. LOL we just couldnt stand not having that communication when we were not sleeping in the same bed.
I dont see anywhere where she said cyberplay.
But to the OP. phhht.. stomping temper tantrum doms dont seem that grand to me.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot

snip :
" Sir and I were planning an evening together yesterday, via IM. We were discussing safewords and trust....."

Maybe I am confused or misreading something here, but why do you need a safeword for cyberplay via IM ?

mbmbn

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RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 8:46:55 PM

maybemaybenot

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It's not a criticism of Im'ing, Not at all.

I must have misread.... I read that they were planning a night on IM and safewords were brought up in conjunction with the upcoming Im'ing date.

mbmbn

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Post #: 27

RE: Trust - 2/17/2009 8:57:18 PM

NYLass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Its times like this I just shake My head-- So many Dominants think because they proclaim to be such, that submissives are to see them as omnipotent--never question, never wonder, never think and when subs do--the D's cop an attitude---here is where I yell: "busted asshole!"---

Like LA said, safewords if used are for things like stop stop, rope, burning,--trust allows you to feel safe to even enter into that scenario to begin with--when a D negates the need for safewords and equates it with a lack of trust, I'd expect any sub to feel the smack of the redflag.

That's "Sir Buster Asshole"....

OP: I think any dominant who's nose is out of joint because you asked a perfectly acceptable question isn't worth losing sleep over. There's plenty more who believe in total communication- whether online or real time.

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RE: Trust - 2/18/2009 12:39:38 AM

colouredin

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FR

Its hard to know what to advise because as has been said one side of the story, god knows what your relationship is like. General rule of thumb though is if you NEED something (ie safewords) to make you feel secure then it would be stupid for someone to get stressed at it. I know of people who are in committed relationships and have been for years who still use safewords.

Its true that things can go wrong, but if you are close to someone in my kinda of relationships you can communicate that without screaming red at the top of your lungs.

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RE: Trust - 2/19/2009 7:01:15 PM

devotedinSD

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I don't like how this is made a trust issue. I personally would feel estranged, too, if a dominant expected me to not have a safeword. Now it's a totally different thing that I don't like them myself and rather not have one...but that is something i offer by myself, not on request.

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RE: Trust - 2/19/2009 7:18:43 PM

goodpet

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You are getting a lot of good comments and i agree with the LA line of thought and Demspotis also.

Safe words have nothing to do with trust. I have been with my Master for 3 years now, I have know him for 10. I trust him fully.. We have safe words.

The other side to look at is have you used them before, do you use to too often, have you used them for minor things, have you used them too quickly or too easily, have you used them when you are afraid and used them to control the scene.. if there are any yes answer then you might want to look at your trust issues.

I also agree with OsideGirl, the guy seems to be off pouting and will come back expecting you to cave in and do what he wants, that sets up a pattern for him to use leaving or isolation as weapon to minipulate you.

Stand firm girl, you are a submissive, not a mindless spineless child.

~ann

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RE: Trust - 2/19/2009 7:29:29 PM

tazzygirl

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just a thought... why chase him? he went off in a huff... allow him time to think about this as well. halt all contact, and just allow things to happen. communication is a key component to any relationship. he stopped talking. either he returns or he doesnt, but, hold firm to your beliefs. it could be he is waiting for you to compromise your own needs, and once you do, that could be a disaster.

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Post #: 32

RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 6:59:43 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

It is true safewords have nothing to do with trust.

Really?

You met someone on-line; meet at Starbuck's, have a little connection and decide to head to his/her place to play. Standard 'safe-words' apply; yellow/red. You put cuffs on, get your hands and feet clipped to a couple of spreader bars and have the hands attached to an overhead eye bolt conveniently positioned to a beam in basement. He/She starts wailing away on your ass with a cane. You hate canes - "YELLOW", no reaction except a sort of a grunt. Next you feel a knife blade scraping you skin, and can look down feel the word 'SLUT' being scratched into your chest - "RED!" The only reaction is a giggle, and a comment; "I guess you shouldn't have trusted me."

Sure, safe words are all about maintaining control; but their danger is that people "trust" the other person to hear and react to them regarding stuff they didn't want to experience. There is no guarantee of that, and misplaced trust can have very bad results.

Know your partner enough not to need safe words. Know yourself enough not to have to analyze every sensation to determine if is it hard enough, or too hard, and just 'enjoy' it. If you have a medical situation, disclose it and point out the symptoms to your partner so he/she can do the appropriate things when the need arises. You better trust your partner to react to seeing a bone sticking out of the skin and not thing just because you didn't say "RED!" it's still time to stop.

In other words it is ALL about trust and you sure as hell need to have trust involved when you think you are safe with 'safe-words'.

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RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 9:09:05 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Merc I'm confused it sounds like we're all agreeing- safewords have nothing to do with keeping people safe or trust.

It's the trust itself that matters, whether you have a million or zero safewords is irrelevant.

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RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 9:25:46 AM

serisa

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i would try and talk to him before you get too hung up about this. i could be wrong but it sounds to me that perhaps he could have been just teasing you, messing around, being silly and playful and that now He feels rejected by your answer, perhaps the 'trust issues' reply meant that He is upset You didnt trust that He was teasing. i could be way off here but just check to be sure. Sometimes its easy to get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to IMs as you cant hear the tone of the their voice

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RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 9:40:30 AM

InTonguesslave

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this isnt about trust its about safe sane and concensual and he ought to know that.

< Message edited by InTonguesslave -- 2/20/2009 9:42:09 AM >

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RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 10:22:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave
this isnt about trust its about safe sane and concensual and he ought to know that.

You should know a lot of people in the scene don't care about that credo at all

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Post #: 37

RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 2:27:15 PM

InTonguesslave

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have to admit im not involved in the scene that much, so in fact i didnt know.

heres another contradiction for me then. SSC is belaboured and banged on about left right and center and now, what? it isnt so important anymore. do people think that theyre so experienced they dont need SSC - and what about the OP and her D. sounds to me like theyre maybe still finding their way. are we to just waive SSC here.

maybe the OP just needs the safety net of a safe word to help her relax and enjoy and if her D had any concept of SSC he would have said OK instead of stropping off like a big baby.

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RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 2:58:15 PM

atypicalsub

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Pretty much in full agreement with what Albatross, DesFIP and others have said here. I think you should be asking more questions about your relationship than about your trust issues. What has this dom done to earn your trust? Has he worked to make you feel secure so you *can* trust that he will be concerned about your physical/psychological/emotional safety? From the bit posted here I'm not seeing where you are having any trust issues, just a rudimentary self preservation instinct.

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Post #: 39

RE: Trust - 2/20/2009 3:30:55 PM

SingleRarity

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