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a couple's third - 2/19/2009 7:20:15 PM   
evelinggirl


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/16/2009
Status: offline 		So this is my situation, nothing serious, just something nagging at the back of my mind:

I've been mentioned three times by three different couple/people that I would make a good "third" to their relationship.  One of the people told me I was the one person they EVER considered being in a poly household with.

My thoughts: While being extremely grateful and happy that they feel that way towards me, I wonder sometimes if that is all I am good for; a couple's third...I wonder if I can ever be a person's one and only, or even their "first."

Am I just thinking too much?  Does anybody else feel this way?  Is it normal?  Abnormal?  Any shared thoughts?


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RE: a couple's third - 2/19/2009 7:42:28 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		I guess it is pretty logical to hear the term 'third' in regards to a descriptor of one's part in a relationship and assume that it somehow means less.  I think there are a fair number that would even agree that it is somehow a lesser status to be ‘a third’.  For me, it’s about the context and the way the folks in the relationship view the term.  It may just mean the third to enter the relationship.  And although most probably don’t think of it this way (and just a weird random thought on my part) – is that, if asked, I would probably consider myself the first person in a mono-relationship because I was ‘here first’ and my partner would be ‘the second’ and the next ‘the third’ and so on.  Now in this scenario if you were to ask ‘my second’ they would most likely consider themselves the first in the relationship and me ‘the second’ because *ta da* they were there first.  Ok, a little out there I know.

Suffice to say, some view the term merely as a sequencer, while others view it as a status.  I happen to know that there are some that see all their partners, no matter what number, as equally important to them.  In poly I think you would be hard pressed to love everyone equally.  But, I think each person can be just as important and loved enough for them.  Each partner can feel special and cared for.  It may just be a different kind of love.  Just like children need different kinds of love from their parents because each child is unique.  Adults are no different.

And as an aside – Imagine what it would feel like to feel loved like the person’s one and only – by two people!

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RE: a couple's third - 2/19/2009 7:52:28 PM   
tyku


Posts: 62
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Ditto on what loveandlight said.

And, just like any other relationship whether it be monogamy or some form of poly, it all depends on the dynamics of the people involved in that relationship.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/19/2009 8:04:41 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		My response to the "Poly but I want the one and only" is a set of questions, all of which I believe the answer is 'no'.

Do you think a couple that has children, always love each other less than they love the children?  Do you think they always love the child more?

If you have multiple children, people typically have a 'favorite'.  Do you think the non-favorite is somehow 'cheated'? 

With two children and two parents, do you think that the both parents have the SAME favorite?


Do you think that the 'favored' child remains that way for the life of the relationship?

-----------------

Similar things happen with a poly relationship.

I have seen love triangle poly relationships.  A. loves B, B loves C and C loves A.  They could have ended up in a horrible fight, with no one happy.  Instead they join together and EVERYONE is happy.  I have also seen a couple that is strong and united and a younger slave that has no interest in loving, he (or she) just wanted to serve.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 2/19/2009 8:05:39 PM >

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 12:51:06 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Are you posting for a different thread, or am I missing something?

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 12:54:26 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I wonder if I can ever be a person's one and only, or even their "first."


Reading it as you wrote it, are the observations and comments perhaps simply a factor of who you were talking to? I can't say you would make a good first, as I don't know you, but from your profile I am not seeing anything unusual. A fleeting touch of paranoia, perhaps?

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 1:04:28 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		Being a third is a valued position but it does not seem to be what you want.  Keep looking.  Don't settle for less than you want.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 1:11:56 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		your missing something.  The point is as it relates to your kids and partner<s> Love is love it does not matter wheather your the first born or 10th born, you love them all the same.  Which happens to be true in my case.  I don't love my first kid more than my second.

BadOne

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 3:47:31 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Well sure, who wouldn't want a cute little sassy chick to add to their "nest", don't even bother to read her profile to see what she may be all about..
 
Seriously, a polite no is all that's required if poly isn't your gig. I am sure it can get annoying, but just remember, you are going to have to wade through a lot to find what you are looking for. You are still "first" until you chose to be second or third.
 
Welcome back to CM by the way.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 4:33:09 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		Loveandlight said it beautifully and perfectly. 

Some use it as a sequencer, some use it as a status.  It sounds like if you were interested in joining a family you would want it to be with the some who use it as a sequencer. 

I started a thread awhile back about finding someone who fits into your household and was then introduced to a thread about having your pickle.  It is an awesome thread about how it is important that each of the relationships have that something special that is unique to them. 

For Example  A and B enjoy watching scary movies. B and C enjoy shopping, and C and A enjoy fishing.  

I really enjoyed that thought about you being the first in the relationship..  So if you are first in the relationship, you could count the couple as being the second and third.  Then you are no longer the 'third' if that is what is bothering you. 

Best of luck to you and happy moving.  oh yes, and welcome back to collarme.


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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 5:41:19 AM   
bamagirl4u


Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline 		I am currently under consideration of joining a poly household...so far..I have no issues or wondered if I am 3rd..lol..it just feels nice and wonderful to be a part of two amazing people's lives that I love and cherish.  Of course though, we have been friends for years, so maybe that helps.  All I know is that I feel very loved and wanted...and that is what I have been searching for all along.  Best of Luck..

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 6:03:28 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Read all the rest, and yours seems to be the only one who got what she was saying in my opinion.  It didnt look to me like being a third was something she was seeking despite everyones jumping on a "poly isn't a bad thing" bandwagon.  While it may be good for some, it isn't for others.  I wouldnt do poly even if it was the only option open to me, other than being alone.  Some people are not wired for it.

OP.. Just smile and hang in there.  Look for what you want, not what you think is the only thing you can get.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Well sure, who wouldn't want a cute little sassy chick to add to their "nest", don't even bother to read her profile to see what she may be all about..
 
Seriously, a polite no is all that's required if poly isn't your gig. I am sure it can get annoying, but just remember, you are going to have to wade through a lot to find what you are looking for. You are still "first" until you chose to be second or third.
 
Welcome back to CM by the way.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 7:02:52 AM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: evelinggirl

So this is my situation, nothing serious, just something nagging at the back of my mind:

I've been mentioned three times by three different couple/people that I would make a good "third" to their relationship.  One of the people told me I was the one person they EVER considered being in a poly household with.

My thoughts: While being extremely grateful and happy that they feel that way towards me, I wonder sometimes if that is all I am good for; a couple's third...I wonder if I can ever be a person's one and only, or even their "first."

Am I just thinking too much?  Does anybody else feel this way?  Is it normal?  Abnormal?  Any shared thoughts?



A slave friend of mine has joined up with a couple to make a part time poly household , i have to say i advised her against it as  any conversation i ve had with her i ve only heard her talk of her hope of meeting her one (not ones)
Any time i check in with her now she tells me shes explained time and time to them she looks for her one....
Does she seem happier than before meeting them??she adores the couple but no shes not fulfilled.

As i said to her ..dont settle for second best(polys great d imagine if your wired that way but if not..) and accept it will take time to find what you are looking for.

good luck ~

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 8:32:26 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

your missing something


Ah, thanks for explaining. I don't connect with the "kids" thing, you see - four ex-wives and one vasectomy.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 8:40:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Don't let other people restrict your options like that.  Just because you fit really well into a very competitive specialize niche does not mean you can't fit in great somewhere else also.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 9:05:17 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

My response to the "Poly but I want the one and only" is a set of questions, all of which I believe the answer is 'no'.

Do you think a couple that has children, always love each other less than they love the children?  Do you think they always love the child more?

If you have multiple children, people typically have a 'favorite'.  Do you think the non-favorite is somehow 'cheated'? 

With two children and two parents, do you think that the both parents have the SAME favorite?


Do you think that the 'favored' child remains that way for the life of the relationship?

-----------------

Similar things happen with a poly relationship.

I have seen love triangle poly relationships.  A. loves B, B loves C and C loves A.  They could have ended up in a horrible fight, with no one happy.  Instead they join together and EVERYONE is happy.  I have also seen a couple that is strong and united and a younger slave that has no interest in loving, he (or she) just wanted to serve.


Bugs the crap outta me when people compare multi-ADULT sexual relationships as being the same as parent-child relationships.  I so want to say something but it would be against TOS. 

I know people can and do love in adult-sexual relationships more than one and it's been proven that some folks thrive in such relationships.  But PLEASE stop comparing adult sexual relationships with having children. 

It would seem that finding a third is such a difficult thing that many couples approach monogomy-minded folks just to test the waters.  I've actually had couples tell me that I would never be able to be in a monogomous relationship with a Master because Masters want their primary/alpha/first to be young.  Such a crock.

Honey, a simple thanks but no thanks is all that is necessary and don't worry about  being "only good enough to be a third".  You are good enough to be a "first" and an "only" if that what will fulfill you the most.



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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 9:55:47 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I posted something similar about a week ago. http://www.collarchat.com/m_2451040/tm.htm I don't find "third" inherently negative, but most people who use it also use the "secondary/n-ary" terminology or explicitly say that they will never love anyone else as much as each other. Anyway, some poly folks can be rather persistant, and there are a lot of them into BDSM, but there are plenty of people looking for monogamous relationships. I don't think the poly people are trying to tell you you don't deserve a monogamous boyfriend, just that they are trying to convince you to be with them and accept what they have to offer.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 11:59:37 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

My response to the "Poly but I want the one and only" is a set of questions, all of which I believe the answer is 'no'.

Do you think a couple that has children, always love each other less than they love the children?  sometimes yes  Do you think they always love the child more? again sometimes yes. depends on the type of relationship the couple has

If you have multiple children, people typically have a 'favorite'. It may not be typical but it does happen Do you think the non-favorite is somehow 'cheated'?  In small ways yes because you feel that you are not the favored one, no matter how much the parent tries to cover it. The body language is usually pretty clear.

With two children and two parents, do you think that the both parents have the SAME favorite? Impossible to answer as each case would be totally unique to the family but yes ofcouse it is possible.


Do you think that the 'favored' child remains that way for the life of the relationship? It's very probable

-----------------



Just as a small hi-jack here

I am the favored child and I always have been, and probably always will be. So the answer to the question is "Yes" it is quite possible to have a favorite and for that one to always be the favorite. Sometimes that is just the way it works.
Is it fair to the rest of the children... no but since when is life fair?

In a poly relationship there are all kinds of situations. No one can predict what is going to work for whom. The only way I would consider poly is if everyone is loved and involved with each other as a unit.

There is no "One Way" especially in a relationship. People make things work in a way that is best for them. Simple as that.

To the OP, being a third is not neccessarily a bad thing, you just need to know exactly the what type of relationship you are joining. Know if you are an equal or a maid or a sex toy. As long as you are ok with the role they want you to have then it's all good. If you don't want poly at all then say "No thanks" and walk away.

< Message edited by akisha -- 2/20/2009 12:04:08 PM >

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 1:17:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're young. Guys your age aren't interested in finding their 'one and only'. But a couple 10 - 15 years older than you is into finding a hopefully semipermanent third.

However if you aren't into poly, then just continue to be yourself, friendly and open, and tell them that they are making this judgment based on your social skills, and not by bothering to consult you as to what you want.

And yes, keep kissing frogs and one day a prince will appear. But as you know, there are a hell of a lot of frogs before you get to that point.

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RE: a couple's third - 2/20/2009 7:57:26 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you tyku and sparkyRBF. 

I got the impression that the OP felt like the hierarchal way was ‘the’ way to do poly and wasn’t quite sure how she felt about that.  Poly may or may not be for you evelinggirl.  It may be right for you with only certain parameters.   Or it is just not an option you would EVER be fulfilled by.  You get to make the call on what kind of relationship you have.  Just because a certain type of poly scenario has been offered a lot recently, does not mean by any stretch of the imagination, that it is the only option available to you. 

I also get the sense that you are feeling/seeing that invisible wall that as an addition to an established couple one can encounter.  Particularly since you are processing the concept of ‘the third’.  It’s the wall that can make one feel as if one is just an accessory, or fluff as one thread put it, to the relationship.  I’ve experienced that wall in more of a swinging type scenario. 

If being part of an established relationship appeals to you but you feel as though there are some issues that need to be addressed in your own mind before considering it, then I would suggest reading up on it.  The Ethical Slut is a good place to start.  Trust though, that the right relationship for you is out there.  As others said, don’t settle.

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