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My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 4:21:45 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

For as long as I can remember, I've known inside that it is my dearest dream to be submissive to the person I love. One of the things that brought us together to stay was how hot he thought it was that I liked pain with my pleasure, and how I loved that he was a Sadist (and a bit of a masochist). But we never really went as far with it as we both would have liked.

The extent of our DS relationship, other than my obvious submission to him, is that he hurts me during sex with his penis (because he knows it is too big for my vagina). He gives me hickies and bites me places where he knows it will show. He sometimes ties me up. And I cockworship the hell out of him.

I feel like we've both gotten caught up in school and spending time together like normal teenagers. Not that we don't have any fun. I am perfectly content having a 'normal' relationship with him outside of certain things. He always keeps me in line in public. If I mess up, he threatens to slap me so I'll be good. He pinches my butt a lot in public. And generally, he takes control of situations and it is obvious who wears the metaphorical pants.

Does anyone have advice for re-catching the BDSM spirit? We've both discussed how we'd like to take our D/s furthur, but it's difficult when our sexual forays are limited to time when his parents are home (he is in high school but of legal age. I am older than him, obviously. He lives at home for the time being.) and between hours when my roomate is around. She's not very social and never tells me when she leaves for the weekends.

I think a lot of our inability to have more D/s in out lives stems from both our buisness and our lack of a private space. I will be moving into an apartment, which should help quite a lot.

My question is this: How would you suggest we get back into the D/s mindset? And, what physical BDSM activities can be done sneakily without us getting caught? Also, what would you suggest we start with once I do have a place of my own?

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

Post #: 1

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 4:35:43 PM

SirRussellP

Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline

I hate to say this but at your age if the fire and excitement is already missing in action then it may just be that he is still in the fickle stage of life.

True D/s takes a commitment on both parts that may just be lacking since many at your age go through boy/girl friends quickly.

If there is any hope talk to him, openly and honestly, find out what is going on. This could be stress from school, job, family.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 2

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 5:41:09 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Also, what would you suggest we start with once I do have a place of my own?

If your relationship makes it, I think this part you will be able to figure out.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 3

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 5:41:38 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

No no. By no standards am I trying to say the fire and excitement are missing. We've been dating for two years, and we love each other more and more every day. What I mean is that we both really enjoy D/s and and a kinky sex life/relationship. But because we're constrained by a lack of space, he can't keep me collared and naked all day long. We miss out on BDSM because our relationship is hot and wonderful being vaguely vanilla, but both of us know we like things to be hotter and kinkier. I sort of feel like you didn't read my post at all past the third paragraph.

People automatically assume because we're under 20 that we can't have a mature sexual relationship including BDSM. D/s isn't just for people with saggy balls and thinning hair guys. I am in a completely monogamous, long term stable relationship with a man who I am eventually going to marry. Both of us are mature and intelligent enough to realize that this one is going to last. And we have proved it by having a great relationship for years.

There's nothing wrong with out comittment with each other. And there's nothing going wrong with our relationship. We just need to find D/s activities that we can keep quietly on the downlow since most of the time we have sex while his parents are home. So obviously, him tying me to a St. Andrew's Cross is out of the question. As is anything that would make me scream.

I was just looking for innovative ideas on simple, sexy things to do with each other that will let us be kinky and keep it a secret at the same time. Not any comments about my relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
If your relationship makes it, I think this part you will be able to figure out.

Okay, you've got me there. So we're ingenious people. But that doesn't mean I don't want ideas on a good way to start out. I was sort of hoping people would discuss how they started out in the beginning with D/s for real. You don't start off whipping the shit out of someone. You go gradually. That's what I mean... I just want any input on ways to start out.

< Message edited by PrincessEllie -- 2/23/2009 5:44:35 PM >

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 4

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 6:01:52 PM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

It's a fact - sad but true - that the exciting new-ness of the sex and kink and d/s mellows out once you get to know each other fairly well. It can seem like the kink is leaking out of the relationship - stuff that used to be edgy and exciting gets a bit stale, and you don't come up with as many new ideas because you've tried all the stuff you always fantasized about.

Get involved with your local kinky community. Spending time with other kinky people is a wonderful way to feel more connected to the kinky world, and to one's own kinky relationship. Check here for some info http://www.drkdesyre.com/ Go to the "Meet People" page. There is stuff going on in your area.

You don't need to play with other people or become poly or any of that - just hanging out with other folks who you can be your kinky selves with and who will talk about their experiences with you can freshen things up and help add some excitement to help get you over the doldrums that can sometimes occur once a new relationship becomes an established relationship.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 5

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 6:18:34 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

Thanks MmeGigs. I hear what you are saying, but I think I did a bad job of explaining. Our relationship hasn't gone mellow. Like, he and I could lead a vanilla relationship all day long and have sexy vanilla sex and still be content with each other. But we both know we want more kink in our lives. Not because our relationship is stale or un-fun, but because we know we can be haveing eben more fun. I could cock worship him and he could give me hickeys until the cows came home and be completely fine with it, but we know while we are completely satisfied, we could be satisfied on an entirely other level with more kink. But we have a hectic schedule with school, and no place to call our own to have as much fun as we like.

The website was helpful. I never knew my town actually had a group! I will be looking into it.

I know I keep defending my relationship, but I never meant it to come off like we had any problems.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to MmeGigs)

Post #: 6

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 6:25:13 PM

pinkwind

Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

There are times in every relationship where life just seems to take over the territory for a while. The best way we have found to deal with it is not to make things a battle, stop striving for something that isn't really lost, and just use all our efforts to clear up the day to day backlog that has swamped us. Work our way back, rather than try to turn our backs on something that has already shown the power to impose itself on the life we would rather have. If what has overtaken you isn't dealt with it will only do it again.

Normal service will be resumed, just don't let it become a big issue, it's just a blip, one of a few along the way.

_____________________________

pink...
Master Andy's emotion...

From Each According To His Abilities, To Each According To His Needs.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 7

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 6:35:11 PM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

I don't think your initial post was worded poorly. Unfortunately, even when someone mature and intelligent as yourself posts, you are immediately judged on your age. It isn't fair, but there have been quite a few idiot teenagers who've come before you, and screwed over your legitimacy with dangerous and stupid questions. Just in the past few days, a nineteen year old came in asking how he could break his slave. Gahh!!

That's not you, though, and I get what you're asking. The thing is, for us (my Sir and I) a lot of the kinky stuff we do isn't all that loud or rambunctious. I do his laundry. I have dinner on the table when he gets home. I make his appointments. I pick up his dry cleaning. I do those things, because I am his servant.

You want some more D/s in your life? Start picking up a load of laundry each week. Borrow his school notes, and make him flashcards to study with. Iron his clothes. There are so many things you can do to show your submission every day. I know none of the things I listed are "fun" exactly, but they're real life things you can do to make his life easier. For me serving, submitting, means making my Master's life better in any way I can.

Good Luck to you....and when you get an apartment of your own, I have lots of "loud" sexy ideas to share.
Daddy's Ballerina, e

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 8

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 9:01:57 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleRarity
Words words words.

Thank you for that. I was starting to really become worried that everyone would have to snidely comment on my age first of all. And frustrated because there's nothing really wrong in my relationship.

Your ideas are really helpful. Sometimes the simple things really matter. I've written my Dom notes and put them in his lunchbox (when his parents were out of town and I stayed over for a week). But I also see exactly what you mean. Just doing whatever he asks, picking things up for him, can show your Dom you care. Wow, that's a great thought!

I spent last night rubbing my Dom's back as he repeatedly puked up his guts (he has the flu). It sounds like I'm off to a good start, being there for him when he needs it. I will certainly try hard to work towards a more servile role. I have expressed to him my want for more control and kink in my life, and we are going to work together to make it work!

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to SingleRarity)

Post #: 9

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 10:33:31 PM

alicexlikesxacid

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline

Well speaking as someone who is in your exact position, i could give you a lot of ideas on what you could do, the only issue is what sort of instruments do you have? What fetishes do you have? And what fetishes does He have? my Master and i have to worry about noise as well as we both still live home. i have a hardcore spanking fetish, as does He. To work around the noise and still get what W/we want, He canes me. It doesn't make as much noise as a paddle or His hand, but it gets the job done and leaves U/us both satisfied. Something else W/we do is He would put on a movie and simply explore my body, touching, pinching and biting as He pleases simply to remind me that i am His property and He will touch me how and when He pleases.
If you scream, gagging works to muffle them slightly. Of course you may still be loud, so be conscience of the noise level you're making. Feel free to message me for more suggestions and good luck!

_____________________________

So completely Yours.
Mind, body, soul.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 10

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/23/2009 11:59:50 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

OK here's some not-so-noisy ideas, that you can pick and choose from according to your likes and dislikes:

1. A shaving session ... very subby to be naked and spread while He soaps you up and slowly shaves you.
2. A bit of cute animal play ... pretend to be a puppy or a kitten. Even in just one room you can go walkies on a collar and leash, eat from a puppy bowl and do pee in the shower!
3. Domestic challenges ... mop the floor, put away the shopping, vacuum etc all with your hands tied behind your back for His amusement.
4. Undressing challenge ... take all His clothes off using only your mouth and teeth.
5. Pampering session ... shave Him (assuming He's growing hair!), use a bowl of hot water and a washcloth to bathe Him all over, towel Him off as you go, clean and trim His finger and toenails, then give Him a lovely massage with some sensuous oil. Progress to more localised massage if desired

6. If water sports are your thing, consider having Him watch while you pee (playing "release and stop" is a lot of fun), Him ordering you to pee your pants, having you sit on His lap while you pee your pants, having Him pee on you etc etc etc! Only need a bathroom for this stuff.
7. Subtle public play ... buy a remote controlled egg vibe and have Him insert it in your pussy. Do wear panties to help keep it in! He has the remote control of course. Who'd have thought shopping could be so much fun! Or if you're into eating out, find a buffet restaurant, get a seat where He can see the buffet, and have you fill His plate for Him by you pausing at each food choice and having Him buzz you for yes, no buzz for no! You might spot other diners watching to see if they can figure out the signals LOL!
8. When you serve Him food or drink, drop a little bobbed curtsey, it's hardly discernible to others but is a nice little sign of respect.
9. Create your own secret little greeting, perhaps some hand signal, or hand clasp, or way you kiss that is special to you both and signifies your D/s.
10. Keep a submissive journal in which you freely express your feelings and which He reads and is open to discussion.
11. Permissions ... you could ask His permission to leave the room, to eat or drink, to go to the toilet etc etc. Even when out, this can be done subtly, either by whispering in His ear, or by announcing "excuse me, i need to use the bathroom" and then catching His eye to see Him nod OK.
12. Institute a ritual that you do every night even when He is not there, for eg, kneeling by the bed and thinking about Him for 5 minutes and reflecting on your good fortune to have found Him. If He is there, He could be in bed watching you and then give permission for you to enter the bed.

Hope these help ... and that they will get your creative little juices flowing more freely too! Good luck (from someone whose Dom is 15 years younger than she

)

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to alicexlikesxacid)

Post #: 11

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 2:16:36 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Smart girl like you should be able to figure this stuff out, it's not rocket sceince.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 12

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 3:42:30 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's the middle of winter, I would be surprised if almost everyone wasn't down a little (or a lot). Just stay connected, talk about everything under the sun, and when the sun and warmth comes back to the world it should also to your relationship.

Oh, and encourage him not to blow off his last semester. Because if he does, the college he plans to attend can revoke his admission.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 13

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 6:25:59 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Move out already, this is way too complicated. Then, rediscover each other. And asking "what do we start with" is silly - if you don't know what you want, there is no point in even trying.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 14

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 7:16:10 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

I spent last night rubbing my Dom's back as he repeatedly puked up his guts (he has the flu). It sounds like I'm off to a good start, being there for him when he needs it. I will certainly try hard to work towards a more servile role. I have expressed to him my want for more control and kink in my life, and we are going to work together to make it work!

You are already doing better then me, I stand on the other side of the door and alternate between asking if they need anything and remind them to make it into a bowl as I can't clean it up for them (TeenAngst and Dom alike)

ETA: Sometimes life just happens to get in the way too. I didn't check where you lived, but I have a hard time maintaining any kind of enthusiam during the late stages of winter, I bounce back in the spring. Also we go trough periods that are busier or more stressfull and have to focus on changing that so we can focus on the relationship again.

You are at a disadvantage as your time is not just yours to schedule but you have other people unavoidably in the way. If you can find something that seems innocent to others eyes but has a special signifiance to you and your Dom, you might find that comforting (ie, never letting his glass of liquid get empty when he is in your room. helping him with chores at his parents house, cleaning his room if you can, I don't know... I do have to admit that it's been a couple years since my parents were in my way.)

< Message edited by OmegaG -- 2/24/2009 7:21:37 AM >

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 15

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 10:10:25 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

My advice simply is to chill. Don't sweat it, don't force it, don't push either yourselves or each other, don't start feeling that you should be doing anything other than you're able to do and feel like doing at that precise moment in time.

As far as I'm aware nobody has died through not being dominant or submissive enough, not being kinky enough, your naughty bits aren't going to shrivel up and drop off, nothing bad is going to happen to you.

It doesn't matter where you find yourself in D/s, it's about control and mastery. You've done it before and be sure you'll be able to do it again, and I guess you know that deep down inside you.

Why stress out by having unrealistic expectations? Let go, live for the moment, in fact go off and do something else and don't even think about it.

Then when you least expect it those feelings and desires will come back, and you'll know what to do.

Learn to catch the moment and the feeling and before you know it you'll end up doing what comes naturally.

< Message edited by stella41b -- 2/24/2009 10:11:30 AM >

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 16

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 10:37:47 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

But because we're constrained by a lack of space,

People automatically assume because we're under 20 that we can't have a mature sexual relationship including BDSM.

We just need to find D/s activities that we can keep quietly on the downlow since most of the time we have sex while his parents are home. So obviously, him tying me to a St. Andrew's Cross is out of the question. As is anything that would make me scream.

If your BDSM activities can only be done when the parents aren't home, who's really in charge of the dynamic?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 17

RE: My Dom and I have lost a little of the BDSM spirit - 2/24/2009 7:02:14 PM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
4. Undressing challenge ... take all His clothes off using only your mouth and teeth.
5. Pampering session ... shave Him (assuming He's growing hair!), use a bowl of hot water and a washcloth to bathe Him all over, towel Him off as you go, clean and trim His finger and toenails, then give Him a lovely massage with some sensuous oil. Progress to more localised massage if desired
7. Subtle public play ... buy a remote controlled egg vibe and have Him insert it in your pussy. Do wear panties to help keep it in! He has the remote control of course.
8. When you serve Him food or drink, drop a little bobbed curtsey, it's hardly discernible to others but is a nice little sign of respect.
9. Create your own secret little greeting, perhaps some hand signal, or hand clasp, or way you kiss that is special to you both and signifies your D/s.
10. Keep a submissive journal in which you freely express your feelings and which He reads and is open to discussion.
11. Permissions ... you could ask His permission to leave the room, to eat or drink, to go to the toilet etc etc. Even when out, this can be done subtly, either by whispering in His ear, or by announcing "excuse me, i need to use the bathroom" and then catching His eye to see Him nod OK.

I really appreciated your reply. This is EXACTLY what I wanted from everyone posting. #7 is his favorite. I just told him and he spent a minute repeating variations of "Oh hell yes".

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
Smart girl like you should be able to figure this stuff out, it's not rocket sceince.

You took time out of your day to actually post this? This isn't constructive at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Move out already, this is way too complicated. Then, rediscover each other. And asking "what do we start with" is silly - if you don't know what you want, there is no point in even trying.

Why is it that all the men responding are the least helpful? I've already moved out. I will have an apartment starting in May. But until then I am in a Dorm, and he is at home. He's in high school for goodness sakes, he can't just "move out". And of course, being a Dom you knew EXACTLY what to do when you became interested in BDSM for the first time forgive this submissive for asking questions. I should have absorbed the answer from the air using ESP.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
If you can find something that seems innocent to others eyes but has a special signifiance to you and your Dom, you might find that comforting (ie, never letting his glass of liquid get empty when he is in your room. helping him with chores at his parents house, cleaning his room if you can, I don't know... I do have to admit that it's been a couple years since my parents were in my way.)

Thank you for this. This was also a very good list of ideas.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
If your BDSM activities can only be done when the parents aren't home, who's really in charge of the dynamic?

Ouch! Point taken Lady Pact. But then again, I didn't say all activities were off limits. Only the ones that make me scream REAL loud. That's what pillows are for, after all.

Also, to the few people who commented on doldrums. I can see where you are coming from. But our relationship is less "mellowing our" and "becoming stale" and more of us not having any good ideas that wont get us caught. Our relationship together is blossoming each and every day.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 18

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