Finding good Doms/Masters..... (Full Version)

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Ariella10 -> Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 7:00:02 PM)

First off i'd like to explain that i am a very tolerant, loving person, albeit inexperienced with this lifestyle.  What i'd like to ask all the subs'slaves here is how long did it take you to find 'the one'.  The Dom/Master who just makes your life that much better.  i am trying, but have found alot to be very misleading and many are just into baby games.  i honestly didnt think it would be this hard to find a good Dom.  Take care, be happy and thanks for the replys.



GreedyTop -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 7:06:08 PM)

hi Ariella... it's taken many people YEARS to find their ideal match.  Many are still searching after umpteen years.

Don't let that discourage you though. 

Whatever you do, don't SETTLE for someone, just for the sake of being with someone.



littlewonder -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 7:18:52 PM)

If I told you how many years I was single before I was taken you'd think I was a nun.



Kana -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 7:24:00 PM)

It's just my opinion
(and this comment will probably start a raft o'shit)

But I think it is much more difficult for a serious submissive/slave to find a good master than it is the other way around.



It's not easy finding any good relationship
BDSM makes it that much tougher
Plus the pool is much smaller
which limits the selection
making it a very difficult thing indeed.
I generally don't offer unsolicited commentary
but in this case I think I will.
Its better to take a little while longer and be sure that you have found someone good than to rush into something awful and get mangled.

Words of caution that apply equally to both sides of the whipping post.



ExKat -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 7:33:33 PM)

  First step: Find a good man. If you don't like the guy when he's not weilding a flogger, there's a fairly small chance you'll like him when he is. Finding a good man ain't easy. There are just as many, "Finding good men/boys...." threads on vanilla dating boards as there are on CM, we just make things harder for ourselves by adding in loads of kink.



AquaticSub -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 9:16:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

First off i'd like to explain that i am a very tolerant, loving person, albeit inexperienced with this lifestyle.  What i'd like to ask all the subs'slaves here is how long did it take you to find 'the one'.  The Dom/Master who just makes your life that much better.  i am trying, but have found alot to be very misleading and many are just into baby games.  i honestly didnt think it would be this hard to find a good Dom.  Take care, be happy and thanks for the replys.


It's as easy to find a good dominant as it is to find any other long-term partner, regardless of lifestyle. Some people are going to luck out and find them quickly. For others it will take years.

It's hard to say how long it took me to find Val because I wasn't looking for a good dominant - I was looking for a good man who was also dominant. All things considered, I'd say I lucked out and found him quickly.



devotedinSD -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 9:16:41 PM)

First time it took a bit more than a year, the second time 2 months.



tazzygirl -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/23/2009 9:42:13 PM)

i started looking in earnest in 1999.  i just found him

~smiles~

kissed alot of frogs to find my "prince"



Lynnxz -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 12:14:52 AM)

Find a person, not a dom, and don't place unrealistic expectations on them.

Or, you could do what I did, and not look at all. It was all kind of an accidental run in.



InTonguesslave -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 12:29:57 AM)

i have total sympathy in youre post - infact it reminded me of when i first started.  i thought the place would be overrun with them, but its not.  you have a big mix of people who are genuine but just not youre type or what youre looking for (lots of those) then there are players, who enjoy the play aspect but arent necessarily Dominant, just sadistic.  then you have people who arent who they say they are, then you have the guys who enjoy the kink but dont particularly want to take up the control aspects of D/s and Ms.

heres a tip that helps:  really work out what and who youre looking for, as greedy said, dont settle, ive tried that and it didnt work.  also, as others have said, this is no different really to any other dating/meeting game.

and for me it has taken years of false starts, blind alleys, steep learning curves, quite a few frogs and a number of toads. 



DesFIP -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 4:19:41 AM)

Well, you could say it took me a month, but actually it took me my whole life. All 48 years of it. It took that long for me to grow into the person I was, a person who had already done all the hard work to figure out what I needed in a relationship and what kind of characteristics I needed in my partner. As well it took my whole life to determine exactly where my boundaries are, and what I cannot tolerate in another person.

Because until I knew exactly what I needed, the odds of my finding it were slim. I don't believe in mindreading, if I didn't know what I needed, then how could anyone else?



CatdeMedici -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 4:24:33 AM)

Finding a perfect mate is like finding the right horse, many sit well but few have the character.  You might find it in a day,  a month, a year--or never.



Underumam -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 6:21:55 AM)

From what I've seen, the trouble finding "the right one" goes both ways. I've noticed that people in general these days, are full of fears and lack patience/tolerance. I've met several prospective D's, but it seemed like one tiny little thing set them off. (and I'm talking to the point of no return here). 

In one way, this worked out well for me because I didn't have to relocate, change direction and suffer the blow after becoming emotionally entangled, but nonetheless, I seriously doubt if anyone's perfect, and entering into a life-long relationship will require a bit of give and take no matter what side of the D/s one's on. We're all just human beings(most of us anyway), and while we can and should expect striving for betterment and and trying obtain perfection, we should keep expectations REALISTIC.  



OmegaG -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 6:57:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Well, you could say it took me a month, but actually it took me my whole life. All 48 years of it. It took that long for me to grow into the person I was, a person who had already done all the hard work to figure out what I needed in a relationship and what kind of characteristics I needed in my partner. As well it took my whole life to determine exactly where my boundaries are, and what I cannot tolerate in another person.

Because until I knew exactly what I needed, the odds of my finding it were slim. I don't believe in mindreading, if I didn't know what I needed, then how could anyone else?


It took me almost as long to figure out how I was wired and why the past relationships with good men failed.  Part of the good man thing is that he and his partner have to be compatible.

I was about 40 when I first really started learning about BDSM, submissiveness and the whole ball of wax.  I figured out pretty quickly what I needed in a partner, but there are so many fringe benefits to this too (floggers, violet wands.....) I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I feel that I've done it all and expereinced everything there is to experince.

So anyway, I was also at a period in my life when blending families was the most difficult, I wasn't really looking.  But I'm also not stupid enough the pass up the right thing when it comes along.

As for if he's "the one" (or one of the ones), I'll have to get back with you in 20 years.  So far it seems promissing though.



OmegaG -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 7:03:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Finding a perfect mate is like finding the right horse, many sit well but few have the character.  You might find it in a day,  a month, a year--or never.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

From what I've seen, the trouble finding "the right one" goes both ways. I've noticed that people in general these days, are full of fears and lack patience/tolerance. I've met several prospective D's, but it seemed like one tiny little thing set them off. (and I'm talking to the point of no return here). 

In one way, this worked out well for me because I didn't have to relocate, change direction and suffer the blow after becoming emotionally entangled, but nonetheless, I seriously doubt if anyone's perfect, and entering into a life-long relationship will require a bit of give and take no matter what side of the D/s one's on. We're all just human beings(most of us anyway), and while we can and should expect striving for betterment and and trying obtain perfection, we should keep expectations REALISTIC.  


Personally, I think that society as a whole has unrealistic expectations.  Too many people are looking for Mr or Ms "Perfect" rather then the person that they can work with to make a fantastic relationship work.  I am not perfect therefore I wouldn't want someone who was perfect.  What I do want is someone is good for me and together we are amazing.

Once we had an arguement and he stated that if I was unhappy I should leave, luckily I was level headed enough not to storm out of the door.  But that is something that we have since vowed not to use in an arguement, when emotions are high and anger is causing a schism between us, the last thing that needs to be brought up is that running away is an option.



feydeplume -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 7:21:35 AM)

To find "the One", well i found me at birth and have been learning all about her ever since. It's been a hell of a journey.

How many Tops, Dom/mes, Masters and Ma'ams have i served, loved, dated or otherwise been involved with? Lots. But keep in mind i am poly, so to me that is a good thing. And i have had a number of "vanilla" and other alternative sexual/emotional relationships.

Why, I find myself asking, are you looking only for "the one" when you could be looking for "one" that will nurture and care for you now and allow you to grow and learn and share joy and life together. Have you considered that until you have some serious dating (of all kinds) under your cuffs, you don't have anything really meaningful to offer "the One" other than desperation and fantasies?

I know, i know there are some out there that want a so called clean slate (snort) to shape. But that too is a fantasy since the blank slate already has ideas, dreams, a part, a future, and expectations of self and D or they wouldn't be looking for YOU.

*sigh* no more sudafed for me, it makes me even more bitchy.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 7:51:12 AM)

When I was submissive, I never did find the right master for me. I served one in particular who was wonderful, and we still adore each other to this day, but he could never really own me.

Now that I'm on this side of the slash: it only took me a couple of years to find the perfect slaveboy for me.

But it took my slave multiple decades, before he was ever really owned. Like me, he did serve others. But it was never quite what he needed, just the submission. It took me finding him and enslaving him completely, to give him what he needs.

So to recap: me (slave): never. I looked for decades too, FYI.
Me (Domme) a couple of years. But I wasn't looking.
My slave: A number of decades.



petcerina -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 8:30:07 AM)

i realize that you are asking about just the BDSM side of things, but i truly look at my journey to finding Master (who i fully believe is my soulmate) as having started a long long time ago, before i found BDSM.

i started dating at 13. The first boyfriend taught me i didn't want a good boy. The second, fifth, and ninth (all the same guy) taught me about love, the attraction of mystery, and the thrill of not always playing it safe emotionally. i got hurt sure, but i don't think you could have convinced me not to keep going back. The cheater taught me of warning signs to look for and how to have a good time. The first long-term relationship showed me what really committing to someone could mean. The first time i dated a friend, i realized how nice that was, but the friendship is most likely ruined. The first Dom i was with (in real life) taught me how i needed someone who would be strict and enforce rules. The second taught me what i didn't want and how having similar kinks was important (which is probably the only reason W/we stayed together so long). The final One, the One i'm collared to now, the One who has taught me what it was that i REALLY wanted (which i honestly didn't know at the time), is the One i plan to stay with forever.

So how long did it take? In my opinion, 10 years. It's not important how long it takes though. It's frustrating i know, but that's not the key. The key is learning from each person who is not the One. Figuring out what will make you happy for the rest of your life is no easy task. Once you know that, then you have to find that in someone else. It makes sense that it wouldn't happen over night. Just don't give up. You should never give up on love or being happy.



littleone35 -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 8:39:59 AM)

It took me a year and i had just about given up after meeting a few and never feeling a connection.  I was not willing to settle i knew what i wanted.  Then Master actually found me.  It will be 3 years for us this week ;0).

Matt's littleone



KatyLied -> RE: Finding good Doms/Masters..... (2/24/2009 8:46:44 AM)

It can take many years to find a suitable person who meets your criteria and shares your outlook on life.  It ain't easy!



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