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New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:02:35 AM   
darkme


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/24/2009
Status: offline 		Hello, I’m new to this and in need of some advice. I met a Dom only a few months ago and am now in my first ever BDSM relationship. A lot of the time he’s very soft towards me as he says he likes me too much to be dominant to me, which just confuses me. He will stop play if he thinks I’m not in the right mood even though I’m fine (this happens quite a lot) does this sound normal? A lot of the time it is all very vanilla and this is not how I expected it to be!
I feel bad for asking this question, but is he really a Dom? I certainly know he has those desires, but he does give in to me far to easily. And I don’t mean that I misbehave, because I don’t tend to. However, I am really feeling the need to push him, which I know, is bad and it’s already happening, but I feel very frustrated at the moment. Maybe we are just not on the same wavelength, although he says I’m right for him, deep down I feel that he’s not totally right for me. And I don’t want him to do things just to suit me either; I want him to want to! (of course I will do things for him even if I’m not entirely happy with them, but that’s different). Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with him and we have great times together, but I don’t want to be with someone if we are not almost compatible (notice I said almost, as I don’t expect any relationship to be perfect!!). I gave up my longterm vanilla partner and best friend, because a big part of me was missing and even now I have a BDSM relationship, I still feel I’m not complete. Maybe I am expecting too much? I don’t know, as I haven’t had any other relationships of this type to compare it to.
Where is the problem here? me? him? Or maybe the relationship as a whole? I don’t know and sorry if the questions sound silly, but as I said at the beginning of my post, all this is new to me and I’m feeling rather lost.
Thank you for reading!!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:06:02 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		As a new dominant and even sometimes as an experienced one, walking the line between being a good partner and an evil bastard isn't easy.  What helps is a partner that clearly communicates where they are at, otherwise it feels like walking a tightrope in the dark.

(in reply to darkme)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:08:01 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Your questions aren't silly.  I had a situation with someone new to me and becasue of the newness of different things and because I don't come in charging, whip in hand ready to be all porn star dominatrix, there was some misunderstanding.  Unless the lines of communication are open and everything is honestly talked about, the confussion doesn't end and a relationship that might have been more with communication, may just end.  In my situation we both wanted more, but he wasn't being honest with me and there was no way I could read his mind!  I asked, his choice was to temper what he said and not be truthful because he was too busy trying to say what he projected and thought I wanted to hear. 

Talk to him.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to darkme)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:18:28 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		For some love and dominance don't mix. For others, the emotional involvement is essential.  My husband, for example, loves the idea of dominating someone and all the other play that tends to go along with it, but he is not comfortable doing so with me.  It broke my heart at first because I really thought it was a rejection of me.  More to the point, he just cannot have the emotional investment he has with me with such a partner.  It means he values our relationship.  Other people feed off that emotional energy and really enjoy the bond and intensity of the relationship.  Neither are wrong, but there is a modality that is more suitable to you and your needs.

Keep in mind also that most of life is, well, vanilla.  It is day to day and routine.  I don't think there is all that much that is sexy about working, keeping up the house, caring for the children (if there are any), etc.  Sexy can be carefully injected into some of these things, but generally that is spice.  It is not in every bite of life.  It is important to be successfully vanilla with your partner as well.

I also have to ask, why do you need someone to complete you?  Are you not a whole and worthy creature in your own right?  You need a compliment, not completion.  There is a huge difference and it changes the mindset.

The biggest thing is to talk openly and honestly as much as possible with your partner.  Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best! 

lovingpet

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:29:10 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		I do have another suggestion, if your dominant does not take the control, lead, guide and direct as you yourself need/want as a submissive, then the fit is probably not right. I am sure you have discussed this with him?  "I learn by going where I have to go."            ~~ Theodore Roethke from "The Waking"

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:40:14 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkme
I gave up my longterm vanilla partner and best friend, because a big part of me was missing and even now I have a BDSM relationship, I still feel I’m not complete.

I've spent at least six hours over the last four days, talking with a friend who did the same thing a year ago, and she has bounced through three different doms in 2008, and still feels incomplete.  My take: it has nothing to do with the men, not really, and everything to do with her.

Talking openly and honestly about your feelings is not the same as "leading your dom" or "topping from the bottom."  What would complete you?  Do you even know?  If yes, let him in on the secret, no jivetalk, straight up, exactly what you need.  If you don't know what would complete you, don't blame him for your own lack of understanding.  Tell him you don't know what you need, could we please try X.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to darkme)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 9:49:38 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkme

I Maybe we are just not on the same wavelength, although he says I’m right for him, deep down I feel that he’s not totally right for me. 


What do you think? It should go both ways and not be so one sided. Sometimes people just aren't compatible in  needs and wants. Have you discussed your feelings with him? Have you discussed both of your expectations in this dynamic?


_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to darkme)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 10:03:13 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		as you say, it is often the hidden assumptions and the little (read HUGE) secrets we keep from our lovers that make a relationship not work for one person while the other thinks everything is peachy.

It is so hard to be honest with ourselves and then put that truth out there for another. We all fear that we will be judged negatively. The sad truth is that if we don't put the real truth on the table when we are doing the "honest" thing, then we are being liars, leading the other person on, and not being very honorable.

No matter what ideas a sub has about how to talk to a Dom (at least if the subs HAS any ideas about it) then there is a way to ask for what you want and feel you need or desire to try without messing with your inner fantasy too much. IF you can't share that inner fantasy life with the person you are purporting to share that life with, then who really is the one that is control and topping from the bottom, or whatever term floats you boat about being a bad sub.

*sigh* this is why we all bang on about communication and honesty all the time.


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 10:44:47 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkme
...A lot of the time he’s very soft towards me as he says he likes me too much to be dominant to me, which just confuses me.
It confuses me, too. I don't see how liking you would get in the way.
Edit to add: But, even dominant people like cuddly stuff sometimes, you know!
(or perhaps I'm not really a dom, either.)
quote:

He will stop play if he thinks I’m not in the right mood even though I’m fine (this happens quite a lot) does this sound normal?
If you're new, then maybe.
It sounds like he doesn't know how to read your signals, and maybe feels like it's entirely his responsibility to know what you're feeling, and he doesn't want to push you too far.

Or maybe he's not really sure how far he can go might be a better way to put it; depending on what it is you are doing.

I'd say it's better to have him caring too much than not caring enough.

It sounds like a communication issue. He's not trusting you to tell him something...what? I'm not sure, but he's doing too much guesswork, and getting it wrong too much of the time.

So it feels like there's some information missing there.
As RedMagic said ; "Talking openly and honestly about your feelings is not the same as "leading your dom" or "topping from the bottom." '...

In fact, I'd go so far as to say the opposite: that withholding information from him is doing him a dis-service.

Though; I don't want to frame this as soley your responsibility - it's his, too.

Who knows, maybe you're telling him and he just isn't quite getting it - or at least not yet.

It could be that you two aren't compatible, but if you have great times together outside of this, then it seems like it'd be worth it to work on this piece a bit more.


< Message edited by Jeptha -- 2/24/2009 10:46:46 AM >

(in reply to darkme)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 11:20:18 AM   
BigSi2009


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/14/2008
From: Sussex, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

As a new dominant and even sometimes as an experienced one, walking the line between being a good partner and an evil bastard isn't easy.  What helps is a partner that clearly communicates where they are at, otherwise it feels like walking a tightrope in the dark.


I have to agree with Michael.

As a relatively new Dom and one with little one to one experience, I do worry that I may be too nice.  Because I am a nice person, I just have the evil stuff drumming around in my head.  As a result, I have already said to the sub I'm considering that I expect her to communicate to me during timeouts whether I need to be more evil and whether she is happy.  Suggest you (Darkme) try to do the same.  Good luck.


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If I gave you my signature, you'd be able to steal my identity.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 11:37:40 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Guys, this is a big joke. The OP-troll doesnt even have a profile.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to BigSi2009)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 11:48:24 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i'm not sure why having no profile suddenly makes you a troll.......

OP, communicate to Him what Your needs are................


Kali


_____________________________

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~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to lusciouslips19)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 12:02:09 PM   
BigSi2009


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/14/2008
From: Sussex, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Guys, this is a big joke. The OP-troll doesnt even have a profile.


Profile hidden because the OP dosen't want contact?  Or any number of other reasons.


_____________________________

If I gave you my signature, you'd be able to steal my identity.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 12:10:52 PM   
darkme


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/24/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you to the people that have replied with advice, you have been really helpful and given me an insight. I do appreciate your views! I think a lot of you have pretty much said the same as in there is maybe not enough communication (mainly on my part I feel). Jeptha- I can honestly say I think you have hit the nail on the head with pretty much everything you have said and I do agree with the following statement 
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
I'd say it's better to have him caring too much than not caring enough.


lusciouslips19- I can assure you, this is no joke! I really wouldn't waste my time! I posted this as it has been on my mind for a while and I eventually pluck up the courage to post as silly as it sounds.

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 1:14:35 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BigSi2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Guys, this is a big joke. The OP-troll doesnt even have a profile.


Profile hidden because the OP dosen't want contact?  Or any number of other reasons.



sorry. posted thinking it was the other thread with the dom wanting to put the sub in a basement.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to BigSi2009)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 4:00:13 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Man? Woman? Gay? Straight? Dog? Indian? Banana?

All things one might find in a profile. You can't even be mailed. That's one way traffic, and thus it is all your fault.

(in reply to darkme)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/24/2009 7:30:52 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		Perhaps I'm off here, but some of what you write here, OP, sounds a bit like 'sub frenzy'.  You're new.  You're fresh to this BDSM relationship.  You want the Dominant to take control in the fantasy way you've imagined and (probabaly wanked to!) you want it now.  I understand this feeling, because I'd been there awhile back.  Once I decided to dip my toe into WIITWD I wanted it all.  Now you're finding yourself very compatible with this Dom, except for the BDSM/D/s part of it.  That's difficult.  it could be that it's something you have to grow into with him - because yes, it is about finding someone compatible on all levels, if you're looking for a relationship - but at the same time, it is reasonable to want to have some of your curiosity and kink needs met.

In other words, I don't think you're nuts for feeling the way you do.  I can relate to it.  I can't tell where the real problem lies - but I'd suggest as everyone else did, clear and honest and open communication.  It's ok for you to have needs within your relationship, even if you're submissive - and if, after a period of time, your needs aren't being met, you may need to look elsewhere. 

I knew a guy who was really a great person.  I liked him very much.  He had these delicious thoughts we'd talk about for hours .. but in action, they didn't materialize.  I don't think he was comfortable with the more 'evil' side of his imagination.  His style and my needs didn't mix, and after trying for a bit, we had to part ways. 


_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to darkme)
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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/25/2009 5:18:19 AM   
BigSi2009


Posts: 80
Joined: 12/14/2008
From: Sussex, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19


quote:

ORIGINAL: BigSi2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Guys, this is a big joke. The OP-troll doesnt even have a profile.


Profile hidden because the OP dosen't want contact?  Or any number of other reasons.



sorry. posted thinking it was the other thread with the dom wanting to put the sub in a basement.


OMG.  I just read that one too and could kinda agree with you as to the OP on that one.


_____________________________

If I gave you my signature, you'd be able to steal my identity.

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RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/25/2009 1:17:52 PM   
Mattressnpurple


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		I would give it time to be honest. I am a 'new' Dom too. And I have often been caught out in the same way...stopping something because I thought my girl was not ok when she was. It takes time getting used to each other, the things that we do and don't like, when the submissive is pretending to not like something when she really does, when she does not like it but knows she needs it.

Talk to him but give him time, especially if he is a new Dom. No-ones fantasy comes alive straight away, unless it involves a complete stranger. I am sure he will leave his nicer side behind as soon as he relises that you are completly fine with it. 

(in reply to BigSi2009)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New to this and confused, help! - 2/25/2009 10:13:31 PM   
heartbound


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I am not sure I agree with your statement.  I am married in a vanilla relationship.  I also have a Mistress (with the knowledge and consent of my spouse).  I have had a few bdsm relationships in the last 10 years.  However, I have never felt complete until I met my current Mistress.  We have an incredible loving relationship and she definitely fulfills the need I have in the bdsm arena.  

I will say that it takes a while to figure out what you want and need out of bdsm relationships.  Open communication is a great start.  However, it may be difficult if not impossible to explain what you want and/or need because you are just getting into this arena.  Perhaps you can try things like giving him a story of scenarios that really turn you on.  A great place to look is bdsmlibrary.com.  

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.  

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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