RE: Sending out mixed signals? (Full Version)

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caitlyn -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/22/2006 4:33:30 PM)

Now that you masterbated yourself on the message board, for all to see ... can we move on now?



sissymaidlola -> RE: Barrels of Quirks (1/22/2006 4:46:16 PM)

quote:

Lets say you have a well-publicized rule against first-date sex.

You know, that's a really good suggestion, Noah. sissy Has that very same rule posted in all the buildings of his apartment complex, and also on the walls of the county court house. Geez, now if only lola could get a date ?!! [:(]

quote:

This sound childish to me, on the grounds IrishMist goes on to state. I think adults should make decisions based on the facts actually presented, not ahead of time based on abstractions and arbitrary rules. But I respect your right to your personal rules and I don't conclude that you are childish person.

Well, Noah, your whole post sounds ludicrous to this sissy. But I respect your right to be ludicrous and so sissy really hasn't concluded that you are ludicrous person! [;)]

quote:

Maybe even probing a little.

Oh boy ... sissy just loves to be probed on a first date! [:)] But dating aliens comes with a whole new set of inter-galactic risks so you have to be vewy, vewy careful ... [:(]

quote:

Someone out there may be looking for a girl like that.

Hey, this sissy IS looking for a gal like that ... better someone with integrity and honesty than someone who really wants to be gang-banged on their first date but tells you they are a nun! [;)]

quote:

... there is pushing and there is pushing.

And there's bull-dozing and there's charming my frilly pants off. [:)] And of course there's phucking. Don't forget the phucking. Personally, that's one of sissy's favorites ... if push ever comes to shove! [:D]

quote:

Sometimes when a person sets a limit they very much mean "for now, and I'm not sure when, if ever, it may change--but I'd like to find a person who could help me navigate this territory."

Yes, but it doesn't mean ... "--but I'd like to find a person who could help me navigate this territory within the hour, you sweet talking mother!" [sm=rolleyes.gif]

sissy maid lola

[image]local://upfiles/21203/7550AAD373274EA8911F0BC3852D002C.jpg[/image]



Padriag -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/22/2006 5:46:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

In talking with a Dominant friend he related to me that he often feels like submissives expect him to be a mind reader. He said that he feels as though he has to sort through their words to try to determine what they are actually meaning.

And for the Dominants....is this an issue that you encounter? Do you view submissives as being less than submissive if they are clear in their definitions of limits and boundaries....provided that they are appropriate to the time/depth of the relationship? How do you personally sort through the words to get at the meaning behind them?

Yup, its an issue I encounter.

I don't see someone being less submissive in being clear about who she is, the kind of relationship she is seeking and knowing her limits. To me that comes across as someone who is sincere, serious and has given thought to things. What worries me is when I run into someone who claims to have been in the lifestyle for a few years yet still doesn't seem to know what they want, where their boundaries are and can't give a definite answer about it... those I usually walk away from... far... far... far away.

If its someone new or someone exploring into an area that is new to them I'll be patient and help them do some sorting. But at some point I expect clear answers, if I don't get them... I walk away. Part of that is self preservation... this whole lifestyle hinges on consenuality... that is sometimes the only thing separating what we do from abuse. A dominant who involves themself with someone who can't give clear answers about their limits or what they want runs the risk of putting themselves in a dangerously compromising position.

In short, while I do have an ability to get into a submissives head and make fairly accurate guesses about their emotional state, what they are thinking, what they want and need... that's not something I should regularly have to do. A submissive should be able to answer honestly when asked a question. If I ask her how she is feeling, what she wants, what she is thinking, I expect an honest and clear answer. If I don't get it, my first impulse it to consider what might be wrong to cause her to behave that way. If I can find no good reason for it, she gets corrected. If she won't accept that correction, she get's shown the door.

I said this in one of my journal entries... no head games here.... and I meant it. No head games at all!



krikket -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/22/2006 6:19:18 PM)

There have been times, in the early stages of getting to know someone, that i picked up vibs from the Dom i'm speaking with being the one who's uncomfortable with my openness. It took me a long time to learn to speak so openly about not just my limits, but the areas where i find pleasure as well. It's never made much sense to me why, when they ask me those "personal" questions the man will then turn red, actually squirm and aren't able to look me in the eyes during and afterwards. i've learned that usually it's a sign that nothing else is going to come out of our meeting, which is kinda sad. /sigh



Sunshine119 -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/22/2006 7:03:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

For me my boundaries are very clear. I don't have soft limits and I don't have boundaries with movable lines. I really am trying to understand your perspective but I don't understand calling something a limit if it is really not a limit. I can see where this would cause confusion. How would the Dominant know if he pushed past the "real" limit as opposed to just pushing past the one that was negotiable?

Why not just say...that is something I have never tried....but I am open to it?


This question harks back to the whole Hard and Soft limit thing. I agree with you. There are no such things. There are "limits" and there are those things that one would like to try someday but are afraid to go there right now. Regardless of whether one is a Dominant or Submissive, it is important for both to be assertive enough to define those limits.

(Note: not trying to start another "I'm a slave with no limits" thread...lol)



Sensualips -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/22/2006 7:25:17 PM)

I try to differentiate between limits and preferences. I have a lot of preferences and I am not shy about expressing the laundry list. Even I can see this gives the impression this gives though. "Here is what I like and here is the exact way I like it."

I have a few always-limits, a few more limits within the current state of a relationship, and a lot of preferences. I try to give what is asked or what is applicable.

Mixed messages are a pet peeve of mine, so I try not to do that. But the truth is, sometimes I just change my mind. Generally there is some reason I have altered my view, so I share that.

I really dislike the limit-pushing it-will-be-different-with-me type though. I am much more apt to come to him with something I want to experiment with or work through, if he is not pushing me into something. I react very negatively to pressure.



Petruchio -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/23/2006 9:48:37 PM)

quote:

submissives say that they are uncomfortable in defining these things for fear of being viewed as less than submissive.
{snip}
So to the submissives....are you afraid to define clear boundaries or limits for fear of being viewed as less than submissive?


It's ironic that so often the fear in BDSM is that of being thought less that what one is or wishes to be.



la90066 -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/23/2006 10:42:00 PM)


I have a very detailed checklist I send perspective subs/slaves -- problem solved.




Arpig -> RE: Sending out mixed signals? (1/23/2006 11:06:53 PM)

Communication is very important, but some subs simply do not want to decide, the "your limits are my limits" sort. As well some subs are very embarassed to admit just what they want, albeit usually those who are inexperienced, so observation is indeed the key in my opinion,it is almost a duty for the dom to learn his sub's desires and limits, and if she has difficulty expressing them, then he has to find them in other ways, and i find listening and sharing fantasies and just idle talk a very good way to do so. I have not tried journaling, but I like the idea a lot, it would be a very useful tool.



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