BDSM Club First Timer

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lovingpet -> BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 6:19:55 AM)
I am sure there are threads out there addressing peoples apprehensions about going to a BDSM club for the first time. I am sure I could gleen some comfort from them and probably just go on. However, I just don't quite think that would sate my need to talk through this a bit and have my specific concerns targeted. Yes, you guessed it lovingpet is making her first foray into a BDSM club. I will not be going solo. If I were, I could quietly hide in a corner and just watch in complete stunned silence. Instead, I am headed to the club with one dominant in tow and the clear understanding that the role of passive observer is not an option for me. Before anyone starts in with the communicate speech, I have and he has and I am willing putting aside these things for him. He is doing this with me because I want to do this, but I tend to pretty much freak out at each new adventure. So, here's the list. I know. Poor man! I am an introvert. I am not extremely so, but just enough to make it a little overwhelming to be in such a public setting. That is why sitting and watching over in the corner is so appealing. It is an acclamation thing. It is the difference between easing into the swimming pool in the summer or just jumping right off the high dive. I am modest to the point of almost being ridiculous. I fainted when a relative of mine stripped me of my bra to get my wedding gown to close. I am not kidding. Labor and delivery has eased this somewhat, but I have been known to change in locker room in a bathroom stall or shower with a curtain. Except for folks I was married to, I have never even so much as flashed somebody. Needless to say, getting naked in a club and put on display goes quite against my norm. I am a fat chick. Yes, I said it. There are perfectly acceptable reasons for this, but I doubt a bunch of strangers are going to care. I don't mean fat as I need a hair cut and a change of clothes to make me feel better. I mean big people. I am stretch marked, surgical scarred, and all. I know I am doing what I can to mitigate this issue, but I really am afraid of ridicule. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something all the way, then why bother is the way I look at things. I have had one particularly intense session ever (specifically meaning pain play). Now I am going to go into a club and play with the big boys and girls? Yes, this is a total ego thing. If I can't be the most badass thing there, then I feel I haven't met my own expectations. I won't be remotely close or at least I doubt it anyway. I don't know what I am doing. Fact is, I have not delved into protocol and positions and all this other happy stuff. I am worried I will be an embarrassment in a public lifestyle setting like this. I also don't know how things go, I don't know the rules of the club, or who does what. I really don't know much. I know I will be working with someone I don't know. He will know and trust the person/people he chooses to handle me. There are reasons he will not be doing as much as some may think he should, but those are a private matter. Yes, I see the irony in that statement. I trust him to select good people for the job, but it's not HIM. I think a lot of folks understand what I mean. I am sure I will think of other reasons why not as this thread goes, but here's a good start. Advice to wait until I am more ready does not take into account that I will NEVER be ready because that is just how I am. He knows this and is why he is approaching it this way. I am nervous enough now and we aren't going until Saturday. Help out a newbie would you please? lovingpet

OttersSwim -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 6:43:22 AM)
Hello LP, you are not alone! [:)] I have been to a club two times...I have to say that I had many of the same apprehensions you have expressed. I found that for the most part, the actual atmosphere of the club was sedate rather than dangerous, the people were for the most part not of "the beautiful set", I saw almost no protocol that I could identify...I saw no one out of control...no one upset or angry...no drama... Not to say that such things ever happen in clubs, I am sure that they do...but the general atmosphere was more like a library than a goth industrial club... When my Lady and I went into a room to play, there were 6 other people...I got naked and blindfolded and bound...an hour and a half later, when my blindfold came off, I was staring back at 30 people...but I was still floating and all I felt was pride and love for my Lady...and a little cold...[;)] I think it is not about being the badass...it is about being true to yourself. People are into themselves and their partners and they are not really thinking about me or you that much...how much pain we can take...how we look...if we cry...I just didn't find that they were that into me. For me, it was like being the tethered hawk at the RenFest...people look at you...you look back...you are what you are and there are no questions or doubts...a submissive in a BDSM club...you belong there. I hope you find, as I did, that there is a place for you there...that you belong and that it is okay that you are there in all your glory. I found it liberating and exciting and welcoming...not scary at all...

eyesopened -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 6:51:49 AM)
I probably shouldn't reply since I've never been to a BDSM club either. Well, I have, but only for a Kinky Flea Market fund-raiser but never when there was any playing going on. But I figured you'd get a ton of replies from those who attend all the time so I thought a thought from someone who is also nervous about going might actually help. First, excusing the naked part for a moment, what if you were going bowling for the first time instead of a dungeon? Well, you'd see people who were a whole lot fatter, a whole lot older, younger, thinner, whatever. You'd see people who bowl like they were born to it and people whose only hope of hitting the pins is to place bumpers on the gutters. Will other people see you bowl? Watch you bowl? Comment on your bowling? Yes! Will they actually give a rat's behind about how well you bowl? No! If you bowl for the first time hoping to bowl a perfect 300 you will be miserable. So what is it that you want to accomplish by going to the club? Focus on your goal. Set the goal is that it is both achievable and provides satisfaction when achieved.

LadyPact -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 7:27:13 AM)
First of all, lovingpet, calm down. For heaven's sake, I can almost hear you freaking out through the screen. Now let's address your points. Believe it or not, you get to chose when you go whether or not to be an introvert. Don't cheat yourself by being one. It sounds like you have someone who isn't going to let you, so that's good. Next, I don't know where you're going, but most clubs have their protocol on their websites, which will list their dungeon rules. You're not going to find anything there about slave positions, because most people at clubs don't do them. What you're going to find are things about what kind of play is acceptable for that particular establishment (many places won't allow things like watersports, etc.) and how they expect people to conduct themselves with each other. Stuff like don't touch property (items or people) that don't belong to you and so on. There will probably also be some guidelines on dress for general or social areas. Trust Me, not everyone at most clubs is naked all of the time, so put your fears to rest. After that, I'll let you in on a secret. No matter who you are, you're probably not going to be the biggest bad ass there. Hell, I'm not even usually the biggest bad ass there, and anybody who knows Me knows that's a pretty good trick. Don't go there thinking it's a competition. You'll get a lot more out of it. Nobody is going to care that you're a fat chick. What do you think? They only let in people who are a size six or smaller? You go. You have a good time. Make sure you post what a blast you had when your weekend is over.

DavanKael -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 8:00:37 AM)
I am an introvert. I am not extremely so, but just enough to make it a little overwhelming to be in such a public setting. That is why sitting and watching over in the corner is so appealing. It is an acclamation thing. It is the difference between easing into the swimming pool in the summer or just jumping right off the high dive. **Is he the'jump right in' sort or do you generally find some middle ground between you and within your relationship? Is he an experienced club-goer? I am modest to the point of almost being ridiculous. I fainted when a relative of mine stripped me of my bra to get my wedding gown to close. I am not kidding. Labor and delivery has eased this somewhat, but I have been known to change in locker room in a bathroom stall or shower with a curtain. Except for folks I was married to, I have never even so much as flashed somebody. Needless to say, getting naked in a club and put on display goes quite against my norm. *I can relate to aspects of this. I am kinda 'funny' around who I would be naked in proximity to: if there's someone I know but dislike, nudity around them would be super uncool and uncomfortable. Room full of strangers, particularly with someone around who I feel can protect me: fine. shrug* I would think to use him as your guidepost and focus. I am a fat chick. Yes, I said it. There are perfectly acceptable reasons for this, but I doubt a bunch of strangers are going to care. I don't mean fat as I need a hair cut and a change of clothes to make me feel better. I mean big people. I am stretch marked, surgical scarred, and all. I know I am doing what I can to mitigate this issue, but I really am afraid of ridicule. **You're right, you can't change some of the things that you mentioned and of the things that are changeable, you certainly aren't going to change them with the expedience required for this jaunt. Focus alteration (I know I am probably going to sound like a broken record): they aren't your concern, he is. Not to mention, in my one trip to a club (For a seminar), I found that people ranged from my conception of really attrative (Ie: there was one boyish girl that had my attention most assuredly) to people who really were not (Call me strange but the disturbingly masculine woman who wished to be called 'sir' and whose breasts no longer resided as a part of her upper body nor had the poor things seen benefit of a bra in ages, I feel quite certain made me a tad uncomfortable). The reason I explained my conceptions of noteworthy and not are that those are things that appealed or did not appeal to me. For someone else, that lady who wanted to be called 'sir', in allher splendor, could have been their dream. Everyone likes different things and no one, I mean no one, is perfect. We're human. You're going to see an array of people. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something all the way, then why bother is the way I look at things. I have had one particularly intense session ever (specifically meaning pain play). Now I am going to go into a club and play with the big boys and girls? Yes, this is a total ego thing. If I can't be the most badass thing there, then I feel I haven't met my own expectations. I won't be remotely close or at least I doubt it anyway. I didn't have my answers thought up when I hit 'quote' but again, here's the opportunity to let him do what within his role to be doing: be in charge. Unless he gives you leave to play however you want, I would think that you are going to be doing as he wishes. Not to mention, hopefully even if he does give you leave to play hard, he keeps an eye on what's his. I don't know what I am doing. Fact is, I have not delved into protocol and positions and all this other happy stuff. I am worried I will be an embarrassment in a public lifestyle setting like this. I also don't know how things go, I don't know the rules of the club, or who does what. I really don't know much. I would think simple politeness adequate. Did I call the female mentioned above 'sir'? Nope. Not because I have a problem with her identifying as such but because I do not use honorifics that have not been earned. Now, were I in a situation where someone else had earned and was exercising dominion over me, their rules would apply. You can also ask about rules; there should be someone available to acquaint you with the protocol of the place and certainly the rules. I know I will be working with someone I don't know. He will know and trust the person/people he chooses to handle me. There are reasons he will not be doing as much as some may think he should, but those are a private matter. Yes, I see the irony in that statement. I trust him to select good people for the job, but it's not HIM. I think a lot of folks understand what I mean. Hmmmmm, then you trust him and you right your resolve or you don't. I am sure I will think of other reasons why not as this thread goes, but here's a good start. Advice to wait until I am more ready does not take into account that I will NEVER be ready because that is just how I am. He knows this and is why he is approaching it this way. I am nervous enough now and we aren't going until Saturday. Help out a newbie would you please? **lovingpet, I would be a newbie too were I going to a club to play. Find in it that which will please you and yours and place your focus there. Everything else is truly superfluous. Is being that stoic about it so very automatic? Of course not but I think mindset will make a big difference to and for you. I hope you'll update us as to how the experience was for you and wish you a wonderful time! :> Davan

lighthearted -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 9:23:22 AM)
hi loving pet, the first time I went to a club, I was extremely excited...and also incredibly freaked out. when we got there, I didn't want to get out of the car. what the Man did to help ease my mind was go in before me, scope it out, and then came back to the car. he said, "just a bunch of normal people...nothing to be scared of". and really, that's what it's all about. it's kind of like taking a trip to Disneyland. you see all types...short, tall, thin, fat, bald, hairy and everything inbetween. we sat and hung out for a while, and didn't really play until later on. I don't think I went beyond taking my shirt off, and trust me, I gots plenty of body issues, because basically I'm female and that's just the way most of us are, but I was certainly comfortable enough to do that. once you see everyone come in and start doing what they came to do - which is to play, or socialize, or whatever - you'll realize that they aren't there to focus on you and start pointing out all your flaws. maybe instead of viewing this as a potentially negative experience, you can look at it from the angle of how much fun you could have and how you are finally getting to do something you have looked forward to doing. so relax...BDSM is fun, right?

lovingpet -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 9:42:05 AM)
Thanks to everyone! This is helping a lot! LP, I will try to turn down the freak out decible level. I know I sound completely silly. Thank goodness folks around here know I am not actually the complete basketcase as I present in this gem of a post! [8D] I'm gonna have to address this badass thing. I can see I didn't do the best in explaining this. I have NEVER broken, cracked, or any such thing (this includes the attempts of my loving, but clueless husband who managed to do all the wrong things most of the time). It is a major pride thing. I realize it is stupid and actually not one of my more attractive traits. I am stubborn about safewords. I will do most ANYTHING besides shed a tear. I am pretty pigheaded that way. I hate to show any fragility in public. It gets to be a vicious cycle. I cry, get embarrassed because I am crying, then the embarrassment makes me cry more. Perhaps that gets the picture better. I know I may well see some stuff that may have me rethinking my life, so I am not necessarily worried with being "extreme" or that sort of thing. A couple of questions thrown my way. It is his way. No other way. He done this before and is familiar with some of the established frequenters at the club. Faith, trust, and pixie dust I know. Then I can fly! LOL He keeps me laughing and excited about this whole thing. I guess when I am to myself, I start in with all the silliness. We have talked over everything here and he is helping me with them. Gotta luv that man! Again, thanks so much! I knew there would be support here and you are not disappointing at all! lovingpet

mdr080480 -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 10:09:18 AM)
I have yet to attend any BDSM related function, I have however attended conventions for other sorts, not entirely different than this. It seems I am usually introverted at first to a degree until I start feeling comfortable, then once I get familiar with everyone/everything I do a total turnaround and break out of my shell. I just like to get to know people and get used to surroundings before I feel totally comfortable. I am the same way at parties, large and small, I am quiet to begin, until I get a feel for the crowd or guests. I can be quite extoverted, all without the aid of substances, I just need to warm up. I know that when I attend a BDSM club for the first time I will be nervously excited, but I guess that's part of the thrill for me. And I know I'll be anxiously waiting to tell of my adventure afterwards. There will be much for me to learn, more than I could learn from just reading or viewing pictures or watching movies, and that's the part I look forward to the most... the whole experience.

junecleaver -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 10:33:38 AM)
The surest way to look like a loser ime at BDSM event is to look like you are going out of your way to impress me. It's not about being the baddest ass there. That attitude has never enhanced my scene and only served to distract. It's about having fun, pleasing your partner, pleasing yourself, getting out and socializing, etc.

MsFlutter -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 10:55:46 AM)
How about we let a little air out of your anxiety balloon. I have attended quite a few clubs/playhouses/whatever name you want to give it and I'll tell how it mostly goes: When you arrive, you will notice there is a collection of people (some in fetish wear, some not) who are engaged in typical social gathering behavior. They say hello when they meet you, they act like 'regular folk'. Difference is that when they step away from the food or the group, they are headed to a play area. In the play areas, some folks are playing, some are watching others play, some are just 'there'. Some are tied up, some arent. Are there supermodels in the room? I've never seen any. Are there regular folks there? Sure - the place is full of them. Are there plus-sized individuals? Sure. Does anybody look as though they care? Nope. Public play can be a little distracting. Once play starts, that concern kind of fades - almost without you realizing it. Once I get my toybox open, the Oompa Loompas could be standing there watching with their hair ablaze and I'd never even notice. Its safe to assume that everybody/anybody else in that club is there for the same reasons you are: to socialize, to play, to interact, to pick up new skills or practice ones they already have. There's typically a high level of acceptance/tolerance and very little (if any) energy devoted to 'did you see what he/she/they had (or didnt have) on??' Reeeeeeelax - it will be fine. Soak up the environment, have a wonderful time and come back and tell us about your first experience :)

zombiebabe -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 11:35:31 AM)
I used to go to fetish club. A lot. Not anymore cause I was uh....involved with the owner but ANYWAY! It wasnt like scenes all the time but it did happen in the back occassionally. It was an actual nightclub with a DJ and stuff, not a dungeon. I havent been to a dungeon. I dont like to watch scenes. In my opinion, its very intimate and shouldnt be witnessed. I got tied up one time but I had my clothes on and it was really innocent, just for fun. It wasnt really a scene per se, just kinda goofin. He was demonstrating a restraint for me.

lovingpet -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 1:00:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: junecleaver The surest way to look like a loser ime at BDSM event is to look like you are going out of your way to impress me. It's not about being the baddest ass there. That attitude has never enhanced my scene and only served to distract. It's about having fun, pleasing your partner, pleasing yourself, getting out and socializing, etc. Let me try again. It isn't about impressing anybody as much as it is about saving face with myself. Even if no one is paying attention, I know when I have done x, y, or z in public. That's the issue. I don't like to do x, y, or z in public and those things all revolve around showing weakness and emotion. I have to say that kind of hearing how things go and demystifying the whole thing a bit is really helpful. I have no idea what I expect to find, but I have it built up pretty big, pretty wild, and pretty extreme. Newbie angst. Gotta love it! [8D] lovingpet

TheGoddessLee -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 1:10:33 PM)
I have only been to one, and perhaps it jaded me, but I loathe Fetish Clubs. Give me a nervous slave in a strip club over them anytime.

thishereboi -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 1:16:51 PM)
I was very nervous when I went to my first club. I didn't know anyone there and had no real clue what to expect. After I got there I realized they were people, just like me. They were very friendly and made me feel welcome. It was an awesome experience. I was also nervous before my first munch, but again found the people to be very open and friendly. Now I don't think anything about attending events and such. Hopefully your experience will be great as well.

feydeplume -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 1:26:25 PM)
FR You will have a ball and it is nothing like what you are expecting and fearing. It's just people trying to have some fun. It is good that you are aware that you are trying to issues that you worry will get in the way of having the fun you want to have, but face it (tough love moment) YOU ARE CREATING THOSE ISSUES. You can have a really crappy time and hate ever minute of it and wish you had never sullied yourself with going to such a sick and demented place (yeah i have heard that line before) or you can choose to let it be what it is going to be. Submit to the experience and not your fears or your assumptions. And talk to the cute guy. And drink more water than you think you need. I can't wait to hear your experience, whatever parts your choose to share. I also know you wont be able to put it into words but will want to try, but want to keep stuff back, but want to yell to the heavens.... I too remember the first time.

LadyPact -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 3:42:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: feydeplume I too remember the first time. I think all of us remember our first time. Doesn't matter if it was last week or goodness knows how many years ago. There's nothing like the first time.

lovingpet -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 4:08:42 PM)
Tough love is what I need. Hit me with all ya got folks. I need it! Honestly I am excited and looking forward to Saturday. My nerves are always a mess when a big first comes up. Look back at August when I was having my meltdown over my first play session! It was fabulous and unforgettable! Was I trainwreck? Oh, you bet! I am too everloving stubborn to let a silly little thing like being scared to death get in my way. I will, of course, post all my fun and crazy adventures. I will have a ball and be all floaty and silly grinning all over myself. I will have the crash from Hell a day or two later and I will fuss all about it. It's all a part of the ride for me. It is just better to go flying down the first hill of a rollercoaster with a whole train load of well wishers! Thanks oodles guys! And keep posting! Saturday is too far away! lovingpet

Knite064 -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/25/2009 4:42:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet Tough love is what I need. Hit me with all ya got folks. I need it! Honestly I am excited and looking forward to Saturday. My nerves are always a mess when a big first comes up. Look back at August when I was having my meltdown over my first play session! It was fabulous and unforgettable! Was I trainwreck? Oh, you bet! I am too everloving stubborn to let a silly little thing like being scared to death get in my way. I will, of course, post all my fun and crazy adventures. I will have a ball and be all floaty and silly grinning all over myself. I will have the crash from Hell a day or two later and I will fuss all about it. It's all a part of the ride for me. It is just better to go flying down the first hill of a rollercoaster with a whole train load of well wishers! Thanks oodles guys! And keep posting! Saturday is too far away! lovingpet Ohh krist i have to get out more .im reading your enthusiasm for the weekend and looking forward to reading how it went(and i dont even like the clubs) Have a great time

MsFlutter -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/26/2009 7:18:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet ... It is just better to go flying down the first hill of a rollercoaster with a whole train load of well wishers! Thanks oodles guys! And keep posting! Saturday is too far away! lovingpet This is a play weekend for me (and probably many others here). I'll be sending good thoughts your way through the cosmos. When you get to the club, tell the voices in your head to shut up so when someone has a conversation with you, you can hear them ! :)

MarsBonfire -> RE: BDSM Club First Timer (2/26/2009 5:00:45 PM)
I used to help run a PEP chapter in Denver. We'd often have over 100 people show up to our play parties, and a good many of them would be new to the scene. We were very much the "gateway" group in Colorado at the time. People would come to us, have a few experiences, and decide if the public scene was for them or not. If they wanted to get more serious, we'd point them to some of the other, more exclusive groups in town. As such, we were quite used to newbies showing up with that "deer in the headlights" look in their eyes. Don't worry about it. Show up, read and abide by their rules, and you will do just fine. :)

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