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no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 5:47:49 AM

InTonguesslave

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it occurred to me today or was it yesterday, that ive probably been looking for someone like Sir for all of my life. i have fantasised about Him, longed for Him, even cried out of shere frustration. the past 7 or so years ive been on the net actively looking, have met some great people, others not so great and invariably ended up still looking after a couple of months or so.

maybe here more than anywhere this community has become 'home' for all my thoughts, fears and reflections. i realised that in many ways i have used this place as my submissive bolt hole, my retreat and in lots of ways my point of change, growth and understanding. in many ways collarme has been my surrogate Master and in that way, i realised, my on-line partnership.

i hadnt realised how much of a fantasist i had become - now in the reality of a real Ms relationship its a little bit daunting - and theres a little bit of me thats holding onto the coat tails of you guys and in a way my last post is testament to that. i turned to you instead of listening to him. im glad i did turn to you, you helped me so much and i guess i needed to hear youre wisdom to back up what He's been saying all along and i will always value this place for the people in it and the contributions they make.

it was just one of those clear moments of thought i sometimes get (not often), when i realised that i have to launch myself from this roost and actually BE and DO those things ive been dreaming of. the fantasy is over, all those frothy frilly dreams now meet reality as i accept Sir's control and expectations. and its alot harder than i thought it would be because its handing over all of the things ive assumed were mine and living my life through someone else's eyes and accepting their control in all things.

ive been trying to decide on a car - a volvo estate or a renault 5, two cars that couldnt be more opposite - Sir said 'buy the volvo its safer' - i thought, 'but the renault is cheaper and cheaper to run' - so i bought the volvo.

not a big thing you might think - but in there was His decision not mine and my expected obedience.

its about putting my money where my mouth is, stepping up to the plate, being the submissive slave to a man who is perfect in my eyes. and i tell you, it isnt the piece of piss i thought it was going to be -

so my fantasy is over and yet at the same time its just begun and i was just wondering how others have found the step from 'here' into the reality of their hopes and dreams, what, if anything have you found the hardest to do and what was the easiest.

i suppose the point of this is also in a way to show these crazy newbies whove been dropping in recently that if youre looking for and heading for a committed Ms relationship you need to have a clear agenda on what it is youre going to be doing and who youre going to be doing it with. ill admit i over think everything, i over analyse and dig right down to the foundations - and probably many of you have jumped in with a big grin and havent looked back, but the transition from 'here' to there for all of us has impacted somehow.

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 6:21:54 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave
i suppose the point of this is also in a way to show these crazy newbies whove been dropping in recently that if youre looking for and heading for a committed Ms relationship you need to have a clear agenda on what it is youre going to be doing and who youre going to be doing it with. ill admit i over think everything, i over analyse and dig right down to the foundations - and probably many of you have jumped in with a big grin and havent looked back, but the transition from 'here' to there for all of us has impacted somehow.

I disagree on recommending people need a clear agenda. That's why things go tits up and people end up feeling like a failiure and beating themselves up. Over thinking and second guessing are neither productive nor inspiring.

I am doing a Duffy, but I believe you are still honeymooning - not that it isn't cool and I recommend lapping up and extending the honeymoon as long as you can.

the.dark.

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 6:22:30 AM

starshineowned

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quote:

if anything have you found the hardest to do and what was the easiest.

Greetings..

Ironically the hardest and easiest aspects are the same..the loss of control and direction of my life from the moment Master accepted me. On one hand an enormous amount of trust had to be there, and only over time has that gone from a "leap of faith" mentality to a "don't even have to think on it" one where he is concerned. On the other hand it had to go through a unlearning procession of being self reliant and independent to one of complete dependency where I am concerned.

Everyone is definately different but there is no way for myself that I could even think of becoming a slave or would bother to refer to myself as such unless it were to result in that complete dependency in everything from Master. Only at that point could I understand what being owned meant beyond just words.

It never was something to take lightly or just hop into for sake of getting some kink fulfilled by allowing someone else now and again to control only certain aspects of my life that I decided but it did have to be a process over many years for myself going through just such dynamics to realize that wasn't what being a slave meant.

To the unknowing..they probably would say: How can you be happy in such misery? To the unknowing I say: How can you be happy in such misery?

starshine

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 7:23:19 AM

InTonguesslave

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starshine, youve put it so well. i was smiling through everything you wrote, im there, where you were then - having been independent for so long, even in transient D/s relationships, that independence never went away. what control there was tended to be at the moment and not as far reaching as to impinge on my life particularly.

Only at that point could I understand what being owned meant beyond just words.

its dawning on me now and the leap of faith is more about me than him, oddly enough - in that i do have faith in him, its letting myself let go that is the leap of faith - believing that i can relinquish everything and find that 'place' where i can settle. this is definitely the hardest thing right now - just letting go - stepping through my resistance and resisting the urge to pull back.

the.dark - i spose it is a honeymoon period, in as much as i am excited and happy. what im actually feeling is like im almost outside of myself pushing myself from behind

saying 'get on with it you stupid bitch!' while another voice is saying 'yeah, but its so easy to just carry on as before, pleasing myself and doing my thing' which is odd when this is what ive been looking for and He hits all of the right buttons for me.

giving the control over to someone else completely is much bigger than i ever thought it could be. and part of why i said you need an agenda. you need to have some idea of how much control you can relinquish comfortably into the hands of someone you trust implicitly. im finding it harder than i realised (because of who i am i spose) and im just kinda trying to explore that.

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 8:11:54 AM

LATEXBABY64

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I think it should take time not to do it so fast that is the bond period is should not be like control me now that is stupid
our inner self s hould be protected till we can trust that person people do things way to fast
inlove happens quickly but deep commited love takes time

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 8:28:32 AM

starshineowned

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quote:

I think it should take time not to do it so fast that is the bond period is should not be like control me now that is stupid
our inner self s hould be protected till we can trust that person people do things way to fast
inlove happens quickly but deep commited love takes time

In a sense yes but for me not so much in the manner that I think your trying to convey. More so than time itself being of importance is honesty to yourself when your seeking..no matter what stage your finding yourself able to commit to at any given time. If I am that time in honesty with myself for the "control me now" life..then thats what I seek..but don't tell me you understand and want that to if your really not at that honesty with yourself.

starshine

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RE: no longer a dream - 2/26/2009 9:00:10 AM

InTonguesslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned

quote:

I think it should take time not to do it so fast that is the bond period is should not be like control me now that is stupid
our inner self s hould be protected till we can trust that person people do things way to fast
inlove happens quickly but deep commited love takes time

In a sense yes but for me not so much in the manner that I think your trying to convey. More so than time itself being of importance is honesty to yourself when your seeking..no matter what stage your finding yourself able to commit to at any given time. If I am that time in honesty with myself for the "control me now" life..then thats what I seek..but don't tell me you understand and want that to if your really not at that honesty with yourself.

starshine

yes, things can happen very fast. it has happened very fast for Sir and i. when it feels right it feels right, when youre both on the same page then you are, when youre both after the same thing then it works and the dynamic kicks off - but you can only go at the speed of the 'slower' person i think to allow them space and time to adjust.

for instance id never really considered an Ms relationship as viable for me. ive always thought i was way too independant for that. but ive come to realise that in fact that is the level of control i need in order for me to focus. its a struggle, i have to really think about what im doing and why and often i catch myself doing things off my own bat when i should have asked first.

in principal i understand perfectly well, its in practice that im finding it tricky -

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