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Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to-fem... - 2/27/2009 3:31:01 PM

submaleinzona

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

I'm new to this site, but in my observations of this and many other sites catering to BDSM is that there is an incredibly lopsided male-to-female ratio. Sometimes, looking at this situation from a male POV can be rather intimidating and daunting.

I'm not crying about it. I can tell the score, and it is what it is. But I'm just wondering about what it all means.

Could it mean that there are a multitude of men out there who are looking for something that the vast majority of women are either unwilling or unable to give? And if so, why?

What is it that makes a dominant woman so unique and special?

Post #: 1

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 3:48:21 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

The statistics for the accounts do no reflect the demographics on the forums, and probably not in the lifestyle. Many guys see a BDSM site as a great place to find "easy hot chicks who are into kinky shit, and will suck your dick when you tell them too." Tis the way of our people, I suppose.

I've never sought out others to meet via CM, so I'm not the advice giver there. I do know if you continue to post intelligently, compellingly, and interestingly, people will recognize you as different from the above description. Having the ...courage...drive...motivation... to seek real life events will also shift the numbers.

In all facets of human romance, single men are thought to be wolves until they prove themselves otherwise. With good reason. If I was single now, I'd be intimidated too =(.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 2

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 4:23:41 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Read...

http://www.lulu.com/content/5043162

The courage to submit: the guide for the submissive male seeking a Dominant Woman

Seriously...download and read it. SlaveKal goes into why numbers don't matter because as an s-type male you can make yourself stick out in a good way.

boiJen

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 3

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 4:31:33 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Read...

http://www.lulu.com/content/5043162

The courage to submit: the guide for the submissive male seeking a Dominant Woman

Seriously...download and read it. SlaveKal goes into why numbers don't matter because as an s-type male you can make yourself stick out in a good way.

boiJen

Thanks again for the link, BoiJen!

Your timing is impeccable, as usual.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 4

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 4:44:57 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Part of it is societal upbringing. I'm almost 50. In my lifetime I've gone from not being allowed to wear pants to school and being told that I could only be a nurse, not a doctor because doctors are smart to becoming a leading expert in my specialty in the engineering field. I was raised by grandparents who were born right after 1900. Women were submissive. Even though society has changed many women feel a release in becoming a submissive partner, in a way dropping back in time. This seems especially true if they hold a lot of power in their jobs. They need a break from being in control.

Judging by the women I've seen post here and most of those I've met in person, those who have chosen to become Dommes are excellent at it. (I'm not including those who only have a profile on CM, but the ones that care enough about the community to post here.) Yes, a good Domme is a rare and beautiful creature.

I have been both a Domme and a slave. My subs felt that I was an excellent Domme and was born to it. I actually got more fulfillment from being a slave. I got tired of people projecting onto me their own fantasies and desires and feeling that there was nothing that could make me happier than to live their kinks. It exhausted me. You can get burned out being a Domme as fast as you can at any job, especially if you don't know how to balance your own fulfillment against that of your sub. I have seen others take a break from the lifestyle, or at least step back some, because they gave so much of themselves in their role. It is a lot of hard work to get into someone's mind and heart, help them to explore themselves, make their dreams come true, and at the same time make sure that they give you what pleases you. It is much more than making them follow commands - any idiot can do that. It is making sure that they see you as a real person with valid emotions and not just someone wielding a leather strap.

_____________________________

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 5

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:10:48 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Thanks again for the link, BoiJen!

Your timing is impeccable, as usual.

I have the link bookmarked because I think Kal is awesome and I wanna be just like him when I grow up...but buffer...lol

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 6

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:32:21 PM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinzona
Could it mean that there are a multitude of men out there who are looking for something that the vast majority of women are either unwilling or unable to give? And if so, why?

Yes. My personal explanation is that it's a cruel joke perpetrated by a malicious higher power.

If you're the more scientific sort, you might prefer the explanation that the female seeks the strongest, most aggressive male for protection and providance, and that submission *is typically seen* as being antithetical to those traits (you'll note that the majority of hetero Dommes make a point of mentioning how they want a sub who is strong, confident, blah blah, as they understand that sexual submission does not *necessarily* exclude being King of the Jungle).

Or you can get into the psychology and physiology of gender bias in sexual fetishes...

Really, nobody knows. My explanation has the benefit of being brief and highly adaptable, so I suggest you roll with it

.

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 7

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:33:59 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Read...

http://www.lulu.com/content/5043162

The courage to submit: the guide for the submissive male seeking a Dominant Woman

Seriously...download and read it. SlaveKal goes into why numbers don't matter because as an s-type male you can make yourself stick out in a good way.

boiJen

You can do lots of thing to make yourself stick out, whether you're talking about finding a dominant woman, or finding a job. The numbers, however, matter.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 8

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:35:26 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

That is a very pessimistic view on how to deal with people rather than positions. especially when the number of people one Woman may have in Her life can vary depending on the Woman.

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 9

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:36:02 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Many a Mistress has been heard to observe, "Quantity does not equal quality". Keep that in mind.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 10

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:41:48 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Could it mean that there are a multitude of men out there who are looking for something that the vast majority of women are either unwilling or unable to give? And if so, why?

Yep, they think if they plead, OH MY GODDESS, I AM YOUR ETERNAL SLAVE, We will acquiesce---problem is that many of them forget to put their winkie back in their pants and wash the cum off before they shake hands.

quote:

What is it that makes a dominant woman so unique and special?

I am special and unique only in My world as I prefer to lead, am more comfortable making the total decisions and believe with My life's experience, I do know better---for My world...

and you can bet I am special--but to the world, to 99% of the population, to most men, to most of the population, I am a hair on a gnats butt--but then so are we all.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 2/27/2009 5:50:47 PM >

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 11

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 5:43:33 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

That is a very pessimistic view on how to deal with people rather than positions. especially when the number of people one Woman may have in Her life can vary depending on the Woman.

What I wrote isn't pessimistic at all, it's simple fact. The only thing that's pessimistic is your interpretation of it.

The fact is that numbers matter. Ratios make it easier or more difficult to find what you're looking for. When the ratio is in your favor, you don't need to try quite as hard. When ratio is not in your favor, finding what you want is usually harder. I never said that the numbers determine whether you will succeed or not. In fact, I specifically said "You can do lots of thing to make yourself stick out, whether you're talking about finding a dominant woman, or finding a job." But it's naive to think that the numbers don't mean anything.

< Message edited by hardbodysub -- 2/27/2009 5:45:49 PM >

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 12

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 6:05:51 PM

submaleinzona

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

The statistics for the accounts do no reflect the demographics on the forums, and probably not in the lifestyle. Many guys see a BDSM site as a great place to find "easy hot chicks who are into kinky shit, and will suck your dick when you tell them too." Tis the way of our people, I suppose.

I've never sought out others to meet via CM, so I'm not the advice giver there. I do know if you continue to post intelligently, compellingly, and interestingly, people will recognize you as different from the above description. Having the ...courage...drive...motivation... to seek real life events will also shift the numbers.

In all facets of human romance, single men are thought to be wolves until they prove themselves otherwise. With good reason. If I was single now, I'd be intimidated too =(.

Oh, I can understand that. I know how guys are. A lot of creeps out there. I've known quite a few myself. What's strange is how they can still live with themselves and still seem carefree and happy-go-lucky. I don't know how they do it.

I'm not necessarily limiting myself either. There are other avenues one can pursue. I'm also finding that in recent years, as I reached my late 30s and 40s, more women seem to express an interest in me than when I was in my teens or twenties. I can sense it a great deal more now than 20-25 years ago. If all I was looking for was "easy hot chicks," then I wouldn't be here. There are quite a bit more places for that, both online and in the real world. But I think I'm far too twisted for that. I don't really run with the traffic.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 13

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 6:27:36 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

I have the link bookmarked because I think Kal is awesome and I wanna be just like him when I grow up...but buffer...lol

OMG!! I SO want pictures!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 14

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/27/2009 11:53:54 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I think part of it is simply that the Internet in general, and kinky/sex-oriented sites in particular, tend to be slightly slanted more toward men than women. Back when dinosaurs roamed the Internet, when the only pictures were ASCII graphics instead of photos, it was more like 98% men and 2% women. It's a lot more balanced now, but not completely. Also, men tend to initiate contact much more often than women do, regardless of D/s or BDSM orientation. Dominant and switch men here might not quite have the same numerical imbalance, but it's fairly close, and can still be quite difficult for them to make contact, from what I understand by talking with some of them.

It's actually rather odd - the vast majority of Dom and switch guys who have contacted me have intelligent, well-thought-out, interesting profiles and initial e-mails, and pay attention to what I have in my profile. The majority of submissive men who have contacted me well, don't. I'm open to either, and I have run across some really interesting submissive guys, too, but I'm a bit confused why the discrepency. Are submissive men in general so much worse than other guys at knowing what women are likely to enjoy/respond to? You'd think logically that it would be the other way around, if anything.

Anyway, put some time and thought into your profile, tailor your initial e-mail to the person you're contacting, and your odds of a positive response go way up. You still have to follow through, it's not a guarantee, but you're almost certainly likelier to have good results than if you write up a stereotypical "I'll submit to anyone" kind of thing that doesn't let your personality come through.

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 15

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/28/2009 12:01:50 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

When I perform my searches, I am looking only at women and frankly couldn't care less how many men there are here. I am, however, truly grateful to many of the gentlemen here for their thoughtful posts and responses.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 16

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/28/2009 4:17:00 AM

submaleinzona

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Read...

http://www.lulu.com/content/5043162

The courage to submit: the guide for the submissive male seeking a Dominant Woman

Seriously...download and read it. SlaveKal goes into why numbers don't matter because as an s-type male you can make yourself stick out in a good way.

boiJen

Thanks, I've downloaded it, and I will start reading it today.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 17

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/28/2009 4:36:42 AM

submaleinzona

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Part of it is societal upbringing. I'm almost 50. In my lifetime I've gone from not being allowed to wear pants to school and being told that I could only be a nurse, not a doctor because doctors are smart to becoming a leading expert in my specialty in the engineering field. I was raised by grandparents who were born right after 1900. Women were submissive.

I can understand that. My grandparents were from the same age group, but it seemed that my grandmother was the one running things and making the decisions for the family, while my grandfather just puttered around in the garage or down in the basement. But I was told by my father that it wasn't always like that. My grandfather used to run the house with an iron fist, but when it came time for my oldest aunt to graduate the eighth grade, my grandfather thought that nobody needed more education than that. My grandmother put her foot down, and she ended up running things up until my grandfather passed away.

It's funny that you mention not being allowed to wear pants to school, since I vaguely remember that, except that during most of my school years in the 1970s, most all the girls wore pants. There were also those during that time who thought that men would wear dresses, not because they're cross-dressers or anything, but just out of comfort, as women wear pants out of comfort. That idea never really caught on, except on a couple episodes of Star Trek I remember.

quote:

Even though society has changed many women feel a release in becoming a submissive partner, in a way dropping back in time. This seems especially true if they hold a lot of power in their jobs. They need a break from being in control.

That is also understandable.

quote:

Judging by the women I've seen post here and most of those I've met in person, those who have chosen to become Dommes are excellent at it. (I'm not including those who only have a profile on CM, but the ones that care enough about the community to post here.) Yes, a good Domme is a rare and beautiful creature.

I have been both a Domme and a slave. My subs felt that I was an excellent Domme and was born to it. I actually got more fulfillment from being a slave. I got tired of people projecting onto me their own fantasies and desires and feeling that there was nothing that could make me happier than to live their kinks. It exhausted me. You can get burned out being a Domme as fast as you can at any job, especially if you don't know how to balance your own fulfillment against that of your sub. I have seen others take a break from the lifestyle, or at least step back some, because they gave so much of themselves in their role. It is a lot of hard work to get into someone's mind and heart, help them to explore themselves, make their dreams come true, and at the same time make sure that they give you what pleases you. It is much more than making them follow commands - any idiot can do that. It is making sure that they see you as a real person with valid emotions and not just someone wielding a leather strap.

Thanks for your reply. This is good information. Yes, I can see that it's hard work from both ends of it, but from what I've been able to gather from reading here, it seems the effort is worthwhile.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 18

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/28/2009 5:17:14 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

The problem with looking at an online ratio is that the actual percentage of males and females is thrown off by the number of people who are playing a part. There are a decent number of men masquerading a women, people with multiple accounts which look like multiple people on both sides, and many who are just playing the fantasy game and arent really to be considered into the equation. The number of actual interested submissives looking for something offline, real time and committed is vastly smaller than the actual number online. From personal experience Id say about 2 of 10 are looking for something realistic.

Rather than worrying about the competition, though, worry more about how you look to someone talking to you. When I met my boys, they were always confident they were the ones for me, regardless of who else was out there. They werent a face in the crowd trying to get noticed, they made themselves first and foremost and let me know it. If you ome off as sincere, interested and put the effort into getting to know someone you are talking to instead of putting tha energy into making sure your fantasies and interests are met you will be a few steps ahead of most others.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to submaleinzona)

Post #: 19

RE: Something I'm wondering about regarding the male-to... - 2/28/2009 5:58:37 AM

submaleinzona

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinzona
Could it mean that there are a multitude of men out there who are looking for something that the vast majority of women are either unwilling or unable to give? And if so, why?

Yes. My personal explanation is that it's a cruel joke perpetrated by a malicious higher power.

Yes, I've often thought that. Actually, what's really crazy is that there have been times (usually in the wee hours of the morning) when I believed that my mind was being controlled to make me submissive. I never really went for those "tinfoil hat" theories, but this is one aspect of my psyche which is totally inexplicable to me. I don't know what causes it, so from my perspective, anything is possible.

quote:

If you're the more scientific sort, you might prefer the explanation that the female seeks the strongest, most aggressive male for protection and providance, and that submission *is typically seen* as being antithetical to those traits (you'll note that the majority of hetero Dommes make a point of mentioning how they want a sub who is strong, confident, blah blah, as they understand that sexual submission does not *necessarily* exclude being King of the Jungle).

Yes, I also understand the basic idea behind natural selection. But sometimes, I wonder if a thousand (or more) years of serfdom has bred some of those aggressive traits out of us. Anyone who might have been aggressive or non-compliant towards his Monarch or Bishop would have been killed. Penalties for disobedience were pretty severe, and it seems that the more submissive one was, the more likely they would have survived. Individual strength and character were frowned upon. Strength and aggression were also no match for the Black Death when disease and plague ran rampant.

So, in essence, we're all bound to be submissive and obedient to whatever government or system of laws we're living under, to some degree or another, even in a free society. Many are also heavily guided by the conventions and mores of a given society, so they feel driven to conform to the role deemed for them by society. So, if a submissive is strong and confident in the society of which he is part, then he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. He is fulfilling the role which society has deemed that he should take. Truly aggressive traits, along with skills in hunting and fishing, are no longer considered valuable in today's society. For some, it's a pastime or hobby, but most people don't do any of that anymore. They don't have to. And even the King of the Jungle can get deposed. Nothing is ever really static, so that's what makes life all the more interesting.

quote:

Or you can get into the psychology and physiology of gender bias in sexual fetishes...

Really, nobody knows. My explanation has the benefit of being brief and highly adaptable, so I suggest you roll with it

Maybe it was from watching too much Batman as a kid. I had such a boyhood crush on Catwoman, that it wasn't funny. Well, not as funny as it seems today anyway. ;)

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)

Post #: 20

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