RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (Full Version)

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Maya2001 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/1/2009 11:20:34 PM)

though I have had 2 serious vanilla relationships that faileds ..I realize it was more due to personal and sexual incompatibilities

though kinks may add more spice and intensity ..with an incompatible partner a relationship would fail just the same

so the simple answer is yes with the right person



Prinsexx -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 12:08:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phanes

Ok... vague question...lotsa variables I know!  Still... a yes or no or whatever you wanna say about it.... Could you be content in a monogamous vanilla relationship? 


No. I have been there and have the film rights.

Yes. Every relationship has it's vanilla side plate.

Maybe. If I got an offer I couldn't refuse just so long as I could have my cake and eat it.



chezzy71 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 2:34:36 AM)

i don't need to be whipped or bound or have my male member placed in a contraption..however i crave that special bond and element that would exist between two parties..of course i have been fortunate enough now to have found that in spades with Mistress Cat.



greeneyedcat -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 2:55:50 AM)

I think it is possible if you can find the right mix. I am currently in a nilla relationship with a loving guy who has a naturally Dominant personality and I love his protective nature but he doesn't enjoy the "kinky" side I so miss.  The bond we have is fulfilling yet I do miss the gentle spankings, etc. that he isn't interested in.  I have learned you get can't always get what you want and if you find a partner that can fulfill some of what you need,  you just give it a try and see what heppens.  On the other hand, I was a sub for 4 yrs and had the kink but he turned out to be just a real user and abuser.  If I could only find the gentle Dom who loves the play.....that is just a dream for me now.



trophy -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 3:23:54 AM)

No, i have never been monagamous and have no wish to start now.

Pony play has become very important, both as Pony and driver as well as trainer and i would have trouble giving that up. i enjoy the moans/screams of a woman in ectasy/pain. It doesn't matter if the woman is actually a cross dressing man, if dressed, but i personally don't care to be on the receiving end of the whip, except as Pony. Since my husband enjoys beating me and i enjoy pleasing him i am certain that will change with time.



ThundersCry -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 7:35:39 AM)

If thats how it starts out...I am ok with that... besides...
 
If she stays around me I will slowly turn her into my...slut.
 
Tsk tsk...



DavanKael -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 7:55:19 AM)

Yes, love is far more an important factor than even something so inherent as sexual inclinations. 
  Davan



camille65 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 8:05:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
<snipped for salient parts>
Nope.
Been there
Tried it. It doesn't work for me.
I always end up feeling as if I am living a lie.
Knowing there is a huge part of me that I can't share with a partner is something that's fair to neither party.
For me it's just wrong.


This is also how I feel.

I am having trouble understanding those that so easily say "Sure!" "It isn't the end all and be all" "It doesn't rule my life" "Doing so would be very limiting" about being able to cut out BDSM from their lives and live vanilla.

It isn't meant as a negative thing, but I just don't understand. A lot of the people that haven't a problem with living vanilla are frequent posters and also frequent participants of RL activities. Some call themselves slave and others have strongly said they are a dominant personality and always have been.

For me.. well I have tried to live without BDSM, without that balance of D/s. It never worked. There was always a part of me that felt unhappy and unsettled but worst of all I felt unfulfilled. That by being unfulfilled by who I was with, I was unable to fully give of myself which means that the relationship was based on holding back.

I don't need the leather, the toys (though they are really really delightful [:)]) or other accoutrements. How can people be so involved, become collared/branded etc but also say it is a relatively unimportant part of themselves?

*lastly, tech question. how the heck do I un-italicize?? I c/p'ed one word and am unable to change font no matter what I do. Argh.




Coldwarrior57 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 8:06:04 AM)

Nope, why stifle your own feelings.
Been there done that , NOPE too much like work.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 8:10:17 AM)

I could do it provided there was plenty of sex and passion and I was alowed to go out and get my wacks  elsewhere where sex was not involved.



Maya2001 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 10:07:00 AM)

quote:

I am having trouble understanding those that so easily say "Sure!" "It isn't the end all and be all" "It doesn't rule my life" "Doing so would be very limiting" about being able to cut out BDSM from their lives and live vanilla.


I think the reason partly has to do with needs from a relationship

for example if you need pain  to help keep you centered and to feel fulfilled then vanilla in not going to work.

if the dominant personality is the main need and play is mostly just icing to you ..then it is possible to be satisfied in a vanilla relationship

My parents have a  D/s structure/dynamics  in their lives but they sure do not think of themselves as BDSM practitioners



camille65 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 10:14:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001
I think the reason partly has to do with needs from a relationship

for example if you need pain  to help keep you centered and to feel fulfilled then vanilla in not going to work.

if the dominant personality is the main need and play is mostly just icing to you ..then it is possible to be satisfied in a vanilla relationship

My parents have a  D/s structure/dynamics  in their lives but they sure do not think of themselves as BDSM practitioners



Okay.. sort of.
Next question (I feel so dense).

If people consider themselves BDSM practitioners how can they not need?
How can they be satisfied in a vanilla relationship?

(I really really feel dense..)



Maya2001 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 10:29:14 AM)

quote:

If people consider themselves BDSM practitioners how can they not need?
How can they be satisfied in a vanilla relationship?


Many vanilla relationships have the lighter elements of  Bdsm   eg  certain sex fetishes or creative sex, types of play(such as slapping, pinching, hairpulling, breast squeezing  ,  and or power exchanges  they just do not label their relationship as BDSM because to them they think BDSM means whips, chains and torture



subangi -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 10:40:36 AM)

For me, it is so easy finding  vanilla men who I enjoy being with and treat me great.  But, after a couple months, I would begin to feel a void, and tried dismissing it because the vanilla relationship was super.  I finally did some soul searching, and realized I am submissive, and I need to have a dominant.....and if that part of me is not fullfilled then I am fooling no one else but myself.    



CountrySong -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 10:48:06 AM)

OP - The answer for me is yes based on love and truth. Unfortunately, the truth part usually screws a vanilla relationship up (EX - wife, life partner, and one other long term). I've been doing this for 24 years so when I tell someone I've done BDSM they usually are curious. However, when I tell them how far I've gone and what I like they usually go "EEEWWWW!!!" and run away or become distant over time. I think the term one partner used was "sexual deviant!"
I had that happen just over a year ago with someone I loved deeply and who about two years into our relationship wanted to try the BDSM lifestyle. (She actually knew going in that I had done some kink and she was BI.) I was supposedly her lover from beyond the stars so I opened up to her fully and we played. 6 months later she left and told all of her friends and my friends about my lifestyle and how sick I was. So I lost her and a lot of "friends". In fact only one stayed with me.
So could I be happy YES if I had love and TRUTH but the reality is that most of the world can not deal with our lifestyles. They might fantasize about it, they might watch it on TV, they might even flirt with it but when it come down to real time and real world BDSM - they consider you mentally sick and don't want you around their family.
So tell her the truth about your past and desires and see how long she stays.
As they say LOVE conquers all - YEH RIGHT!
Hum do I sound a little bitter and pesamistic there?



LaTigresse -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 11:07:44 AM)

I don't expect any one person to fullfill all of my needs. That being said, I've got the vanilla guy on the farm, don't want or need another guy, either vanilla or kinky.

When it comes to M/s, I have keary and soon, perhaps lindsey and jane. What I share with them is unique to each. I don't need to box myself in, or put any other person in one. I am just going with the flow.

If I found myself ever again, wrapped up in a mad passionate love affair, I don't know the answer. I just cannot imagine going there again. I was fortunate enough to have it once.



Phanes -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 12:35:19 PM)

quote:

camille65


I feel as though you keep nailing it for me.. I see things similarly and know that my need for a power based relationship is innate.. It's just in me, a part of me, a part of the whole and whatever love I have in me to give finds intentionality because she does it for me! 

I would wish that I could, still somehow think I can live happily with someone who simply loved me but if you do, then you'll let me love you fully.. you'll permit me..

It honestly seems so simple.. If you'll do it for me, then I'll do it for you... Yes of course this isn't without about a thousand things that have to line up between two people, if attraction is to be found and intention towards a relationship but if I have found that with someone, if I see that in her, then I am willing to give myself only... without question it seems I need her to yield to me in it.. And a retraction of that, is sufficient reason for me to question.  I need to know! I need to be rightly related to someone if things are to work.




camille65 -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 2:04:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

quote:

I am having trouble understanding those that so easily say "Sure!" "It isn't the end all and be all" "It doesn't rule my life" "Doing so would be very limiting" about being able to cut out BDSM from their lives and live vanilla.


I think the reason partly has to do with needs from a relationship

for example if you need pain  to help keep you centered and to feel fulfilled then vanilla in not going to work.

if the dominant personality is the main need and play is mostly just icing to you ..then it is possible to be satisfied in a vanilla relationship

My parents have a  D/s structure/dynamics  in their lives but they sure do not think of themselves as BDSM practitioners



It is those that do think of themselves as BDSM practitioners yet also say that they could easily live without, those are the ones that confuse me.

Person X, gets branded. Gets tattooed. Has a registered slave number. Scenes regularly at clubs.

But that same person X says they could live vanilla...? Because their life doesn't revolve around BDSM... ?                While they accept a collar, or collar another.

*Person X is a compilation, no Person X's were harmed in the making of this post nor is this post directed at any particular Person X*

I have a feeling that for some, it is 'cool' to say that BDSM doesn't rule their life. Or perhaps it is that for some it is 'cool' to be collared.

As I said, I feel dense. I just can't reconcile it all in my head.



theobserver -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/2/2009 2:14:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phanes

Ok... vague question...lotsa variables I know!  Still... a yes or no or whatever you wanna say about it.... Could you be content in a monogamous vanilla relationship? 

Personally... I am a Dominant sadist...love to spank...love to handle my submissive in group situations even...my taste is mild to wild...  and I'm in a situation where I've fallen for someone who knew about my preferences and wanted to try but can't get past her ideals!

So, I'm asking.. cause I wanna wide range of opinions.. Yes, I know my happiness is self determined but I want people's input anyway.... and I especially wanna hear from people who have tried..... whether successful or no....




Simple answer ... yes. Any form of a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and attraction, I'm sure I could be happy in.



Kana -> RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? (3/3/2009 4:54:08 AM)

In all fairness, there has to be some level of BDSM for me to enjoy the sex.
and what's a relationship without sex....



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