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Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 3:50:38 AM

typesgirl

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Spacehippie posted a question about BDSM and university and the thread went somewhat awry so I’m reclaiming it here to start it over in a little more focused way because I’m also interested in the idea. No offense to anyone who participated in the initial thread; I’m just trying to focus the discussion a bit.

I think I’m interested in this because I teach at the university level and I want my students to be free to explore themselves. Also, I didn’t discover this side of myself until I was a PhD student with my own apartment, well over 21, and unafraid of parental opinion etc. I think it’s impossible for me to even imagine how difficult it would be to explore BDSM in an on-campus setting. I can't even imagine trying to scene with a partner in a dorm room (Room mate: "Gee, why is your girlfriend tied to the bed?")

It’s true that gay and lesbian lifestyles are mostly accepted on college campuses now but I would gamble to say that BDSM is a much different story. I think in most cases a university would say “what you do in your bedroom is none of our business and we don’t want to know about it.”

So can we take the discussion back to this point? If you were into BDSM in college, how did you explore it? Deal with it? How did you find potential partners? People to discuss with? Were you afraid of the stigma and prejudice?

I think my first piece of advice would be to make your lifestyle preference known in a public but subtle way. I’d get a t-shirt, a button, a piece of jewelry, something…that has the BDSM symbol prominent on it. People who are outside the lifestyle seldom know what it means but those who do may approach you to become friends and talk about it. It’s a non-confrontational way to start discussion.

Other thoughts?

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 5:48:24 AM

Oberonrex

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In college as an undergraduate (graduate school doesn't count, did my MS in a year and had no life), I was aware of and into BDSM, but was quiet about it. Where I went to school was in the Old South, at an institution that was not known at the time for openess and inclusion. Then again, this was 20 or more years ago, but... I handled it by finding books and reading; minoring in Psych and taking the course on psychological aspects of human sexuality (which has served me well in both vanilla and scene over the years); by introducing someone I dated steady to bondage and a bit more slowly and gently; and, by travelling to Atlanta on occasion for shopping and tapping into what there was of the scene that I could find there. And, I learned by making mistakes. Fortunately nothing spectacular or truly dangerous, but def. learning experiences with both people and techniques.

I dealt with it as best I could, knowing that it was not accepted, though to be honest I think at that time it would have been taken better than being gay or lesbian in that place. I had a friend who had to deal with the latter, and knew at least one male friend who I think dealt with the former. That I don't know for sure says much about that time and place. The thing was, gays and lesbians had clubs and such they could go to in Atlanta or a couple of other cities just an hour or three away. BDSM had nothing like that at the time that was nearly as open. There was no way to meet others of a like mind, or at least not easily. So, I did not deal with it there, but travelled elsewhere to find what I could. Yes, I was afraid of stigma and prejudice, and in many ways I still am. Clearances, job, and more could be lost; and, had I not been careful then they never would have been obtained.

Yet, that isolation is one reason I am so glad to see, and appreciate, the Internet and the clubs and groups that are out there now. I wish they had been there and been accessible when I was in college. Over the years, I have been delighted to learn and grow at places like the "Old" PEP in Atlanta in the 90s, the Sanctuary, NASSA, CAPE, Leather Rose, and with other groups and individuals around the world who have been kind enough to share. The classes, workshops, and more have not only taught or improved technical skills, but have worked on improving the mind as well. It is also one reason I am so glad to teach, to share, to mentor for it allows me to give back, to do that which I wish had been there for me at that time.

As for now, I do live near a college campus or two, and my profiles are up here and in a few other places. While I can't advertise too openly, I have put some "signs" out for those who look. I am willing to answer questions, steer towards local or semi-local groups, and be a safe-call. I do what I can, and am glad that so many resources are now more readily available to all.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 6:38:36 AM

orfunboi

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i remember about 4 years ago, my mother going on a rant about a college starting a bdsm group. Not sure which college it was though, but if they were starting that long ago, they probibly have them scattered about. i wish i had learned about the lifestyle earlier, but i am making up for lost time <weg>

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 6:43:00 AM

KittenWithaTwist

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I entered the BDSM world at the age of 18. I had just started college, and moved out of my parents house. I lived in a small house off campus with about 9 other people. I didn't actively practice BDSM until I had moved out of that place and into a second, even smaller studio where I lived alone.

I mentioned in the other thread that I wouldn't feel comfortable expressing my BDSM interests or outting myself to my peers in an educational setting. I have a feeling that if I cross the country to go to a school where I know no one, it would be a less-than-fun idea to out myself to a (plausibly) unaccepting group of people.
During my first college experience, I only let my BDSM side out in any way in Art Theory. Thankfully, my fellow students (all post-modern multimedia artists) were more tolerant of my rather out-there artistic and lifestyle ideas.

I think LGBT is more...um...acceptable in a college setting because people understand that it's more of a "who you are" than a "what you do". People don't seem to be able to apply that idea to BDSM. Maybe it's the terminology.

When I finally took the time to find potential partners, I went online and to clubs in the city near by. Looking back, it was probably more danger than it was worth. Ah well, here I am, still alive.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 7:14:06 AM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: typesgirl

So can we take the discussion back to this point? If you were into BDSM in college, how did you explore it? Deal with it? How did you find potential partners? People to discuss with? Were you afraid of the stigma and prejudice?

I think my first piece of advice would be to make your lifestyle preference known in a public but subtle way. I’d get a t-shirt, a button, a piece of jewelry, something…that has the BDSM symbol prominent on it. People who are outside the lifestyle seldom know what it means but those who do may approach you to become friends and talk about it. It’s a non-confrontational way to start discussion.

Other thoughts?

I discovered BDSM when I was an undergraduate (18/19). Both my undergrad and schools are very competitive top three universities so that having a student group would have been absolutely impossible. And being out would have been completely impossible (both schools had gay and lesbian groups where they were a bit more open towards the bdsm lifestyle though).

The way I went about it is I just went to NYC to explore groups and clubs (especially since most of the groups at that point were 21+ in my state - hell most of the groups still are unfortunately). Eventually through that I found people in my state, and I also got more comfortable and ended up starting my own munch group in my city. I figured if the groups were 21 plus and being in college I didn't have reliable transportation, why not just start my own munch that I could just walk to. So I did that and ended up meeting plenty of people (including other students on my campus - tho they were for the most part graduate students).

C~

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 8:03:44 AM

JohnWarren

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I didn't have reliable transportation, why not just start my own munch that I could just walk to. So I did that and ended up meeting plenty of people (including other students on my campus - tho they were for the most part graduate students).

This is a great suggestion. It has been my observation that in a lot of places kink is like a supersaturated solution. All it needs is a single seed crystal and things grow amazingly fast

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/21/2006 11:33:38 PM

Slipstreme

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quote:

Eventually through that I found people in my state, and I also got more comfortable and ended up starting my own munch group in my city. I figured if the groups were 21 plus and being in college I didn't have reliable transportation, why not just start my own munch that I could just walk to. So I did that and ended up meeting plenty of people (including other students on my campus - tho they were for the most part graduate students).

How did you go about this exactly? Cause if I have to, I'll just start a group. Although, yes my city has a group, (two actually, rival groups?) but they are 21 plus. More likely than not, I'll have to wait till I hit 21, but it would be nice to have a group more geared to the college student, who has to deal with: dealing with living on your own for the first time, low wages (usually no money), limited travel time, overloaded schedules, studying, exams, tuition and various administrative stress (admin bs..... gah!) and maintaining a social life.

I know, not like everyone has to deal with this, cause yes, everyone does. But at least though a student group would be able to focus also on student issues and be formatted to be friendly to a student's schedule. However, I do think such a group would have to focus more on discussion rather than pairing up and sceneing. I dont know, but yes, getting the older community involved would be a good thing for them to share their experiences and such (but again the 21 thing, they may want to impose that on the college group and refuse to help it without the age restriction. Of course, the age would be set at 18 to keep it legal). Of course, first starting out, yeah the group would have to be rather small and discrete, but how would one go about getting members? Gah! I think Im rambling. I'll need to shut up now, think about this later.

Any help would be appreciated though.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 12:30:01 AM

CmotDribbler

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Well as a current college student i have to say, i lucked into it.
I started a Anime club, and a friend of a friend of mine invited D my mentor. who taught me about D/S and rope tricks :p, and A who introduced me to polyamory. These friends inspired me to start writing articles on the subject.
through the same Anime club i met my Kitten, who after dating for awhile discovered our mutual intrest in the lifestyle.
so far the articles that i've written have recieved good reviews from my teachers, one is on the rise of the kink community in Alberta, another is on Sex toys, (the aren't all "that" great but eh)
so that got me out and meeting people.
on collage there isn;t alot of people, i actually got on Collarme, cause i say one of my classmates on the site :D that and the people i met through anime club are all the ones i have met into the lifestyle, but we are there.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 8:01:24 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Slipstreme

quote:

Eventually through that I found people in my state, and I also got more comfortable and ended up starting my own munch group in my city. I figured if the groups were 21 plus and being in college I didn't have reliable transportation, why not just start my own munch that I could just walk to. So I did that and ended up meeting plenty of people (including other students on my campus - tho they were for the most part graduate students).

How did you go about this exactly? Cause if I have to, I'll just start a group. Although, yes my city has a group, (two actually, rival groups?) but they are 21 plus. More likely than not, I'll have to wait till I hit 21, but it would be nice to have a group more geared to the college student, who has to deal with: dealing with living on your own for the first time, low wages (usually no money), limited travel time, overloaded schedules, studying, exams, tuition and various administrative stress (admin bs..... gah!) and maintaining a social life.

I know, not like everyone has to deal with this, cause yes, everyone does. But at least though a student group would be able to focus also on student issues and be formatted to be friendly to a student's schedule. However, I do think such a group would have to focus more on discussion rather than pairing up and sceneing. I dont know, but yes, getting the older community involved would be a good thing for them to share their experiences and such (but again the 21 thing, they may want to impose that on the college group and refuse to help it without the age restriction. Of course, the age would be set at 18 to keep it legal). Of course, first starting out, yeah the group would have to be rather small and discrete, but how would one go about getting members? Gah! I think Im rambling. I'll need to shut up now, think about this later.

Any help would be appreciated though.

Why don't you start by having a munch. You could make it a TNG munch if you want (TNG = The New Generation and are typically groups that are for people only 18-35). If you are in college that will be the easiest thing to plan. And you can easily make a munch 18 plus. Then if there is a lot of interest after you have a couple of munches you can think about adding on demos and such. But I would suggest to start small and first see if there is interest. I have an article up on how to run a munch (it hasn't been updated in a while, which you'll be able to tell by some of the links - including a very outdated email address contact for me) at:

http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/docs/munch.htm

Good luck and feel free to email me privately on here if you have questions,

C~

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 8:12:42 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

I discovered BDSM when I was an undergraduate (18/19). Both my undergrad and schools are very competitive top three universities so that having a student group would have been absolutely impossible. And being out would have been completely impossible (both schools had gay and lesbian groups where they were a bit more open towards the bdsm lifestyle though).

I'm not sure I understand the connection between "competitive top three universities" and groups and being out impossible.

I helped with the group at Columbia University, Conversio Virium, and while we did have problems that was a reflection of one strange neo-con family that somehow got onto campus. The university and the students and the alumni were all very supportive of us. That group has been around for a decade now I believe.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 8:14:59 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Slipstreme

How did you go about this exactly? Cause if I have to, I'll just start a group. Although, yes my city has a group, (two actually, rival groups?) but they are 21 plus. More likely than not, I'll have to wait till I hit 21, but it would be nice to have a group more geared to the ceed to shut up now, think about this later.

Contact these two groups who are 21+ and ask them why they are that way and what they mean by that. Sometimes its a strict ban on you must be 21+ to attend anything; sometimes its really a membership thing. If its just membership then you could probably go to events but have to pay more to get in.

This is what happened at TES and why the TNG groups were started.

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 10:10:14 AM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I'm not sure I understand the connection between "competitive top three universities" and groups and being out impossible.

I helped with the group at Columbia University, Conversio Virium, and while we did have problems that was a reflection of one strange neo-con family that somehow got onto campus. The university and the students and the alumni were all very supportive of us. That group has been around for a decade now I believe.

My experiences were that at the two schools I went to the chances of people being out about being into BDSM were slim and none and thus forming a campus group would have been me sitting in a room alone. Each ivy has a different culture and Columbia may have had a culture more condusive to it. Since you went there and those were your experiences (and I had heard about the group at Columbia when I was in college) I think its great that there was an environment that encouraged having a group (along with people willing to put the work in to have the group).

C~

Edited to add: I think its because in particular at my undergrad people spent a lot of time and energy planning their future career and how to get there.

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 1/22/2006 10:13:30 AM >

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RE: Reclaiming a thread: BDSM and University - 1/22/2006 10:22:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: typesgirl
So can we take the discussion back to this point? If you were into BDSM in college, how did you explore it?

My master at the time lived in NC, so most of my active exploration was done during breaks when I went to NC and to parties and events there.

quote:

Deal with it? How did you find potential partners? People to discuss with? Were you afraid of the stigma and prejudice?

I was online a LOT back then, so I met most of my contacts there. I was also out to all of my friends. How could I consider them a friend if they did not know this large chunk of my identity?

I lived on a fairly liberal campus where goths were fairly common. So me walking around with a huge collar on my neck all the time was only made odd by the fact that I rarely wore black to go with it. I never felt pressured or misjudged by anyone excepy my family.

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