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Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:16:49 AM

missturbation

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When i realised that i needed BDSM in my relationships and couldn't 'nilla' date anymore, i knew that i was making my dating pool more a dating paddling pool. When i realised that i kind of need what i would call more extreme BDSM and i don't just mean being a physical masochist, i knew i was then making my dating paddling pool a dating puddle. They were both choices i had to make for my personal happiness though and choices i am glad i made.

I've made some pretty bad choices in my relationships in recent years. My choice of partner has been off, my ability to allow emotion in relationships has stunk and in general my relationship skills really don't rock!! I'm ready to dive back in though and here in lies the problem.

Now baring in mind i'm fishing in a dating puddle, how the hell do i wade through and find the right person? Just like any other girlie on here i get plenty of mail showing interest but my track record for picking men has not been good.

I have all these thoughts running around my head. For example i know physical attraction is / can be very important. I do want to find the man i serve attractive but is physical attraction neccesarily instant? Can't you find someone more attractive the more you get to know them?
Compromise. I know i am more than likely going to have to compromise on some of my wants / needs but what if i compromise on something that in the long run i can't live with compromising on?
What if really i'm not ready? What if i can't do the emotional side? What if i can't open up like i think i'm ready to do?
What if, what if, what if?

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:25:20 AM

DesFIP

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Some people can find that their partners grow more attractive to them with time while others need that first meet click. Only you know which kind you are. Look back at your past experiences. Not just men you've dated, but others you've known and not acted on attraction. Did you ever look up and think a coworker you had become friends with had suddenly grown more attractive to you, or do you always think of them as when you first met?

Beyond that, I am a great proponent of fixing skills first. Work on your emotional intimacy issues by yourself, not subjecting another person to it. We all have baggage but it is incumbent on us not to overload our partners with it, meaning the more you deal with it, the less there is for them to have to handle.

Become the sort of person that attracts the kinds of partners you want to have.

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:30:45 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I made this list... and it's kind of surprising the list of things I absolutely NEED from a relationship doesn't have heaps of overlap with the things I WANT. Know what you need. Don't compromise on that stuff, ever. Just don't do it. It can take a bit of thinking and remembering to get that need list whittled down, but stick to it.

I think that most folks get better looking the longer we know and LIKE them.

We all have things we are put off by, I think, and I don't see the point in trying to get over a lifelong ICK factor item. Still, most folks are good looking, aren't they? Everyone has at least one winning feature, a good smile, nice hands, SOMEthing to start off with.

As for the emotional stuff, only you will know, obviously. Don't push yourself. You know it's tricky ground for you anyway, just see if you can let things happen without any expectations.

Auntie Hib

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:33:01 AM

missturbation

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Some people can find that their partners grow more attractive to them with time while others need that first meet click. Only you know which kind you are. Look back at your past experiences. Not just men you've dated, but others you've known and not acted on attraction. Did you ever look up and think a coworker you had become friends with had suddenly grown more attractive to you, or do you always think of them as when you first met?

I have always been the kind who goes for instant attraction not the growing on me kind of attraction. If a person doesn't 'wow' me reasonably wuickly i have usually moved on. Saying that though the one successful relationship i had whilst into BDSM was definately a grower. Maybe thats something i should look at a bit closer, not writing people off so quickly !!

quote:

Beyond that, I am a great proponent of fixing skills first. Work on your emotional intimacy issues by yourself, not subjecting another person to it. We all have baggage but it is incumbent on us not to overload our partners with it, meaning the more you deal with it, the less there is for them to have to handle.

Become the sort of person that attracts the kinds of partners you want to have.

I have been working on them and hopefully i'm in a place now where i won't be subjecting others to my emotional baggage. I'm just thinking that ya never can quite tell though until you are in the position of putting what you think have learnt from past experience into practice.

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:36:18 AM

missturbation

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quote:

I made this list... and it's kind of surprising the list of things I absolutely NEED from a relationship doesn't have heaps of overlap with the things I WANT. Know what you need. Don't compromise on that stuff, ever. Just don't do it. It can take a bit of thinking and remembering to get that need list whittled down, but stick to it.

I'd never thought of doing this but i'm gonna give it a whirl.

quote:

I think that most folks get better looking the longer we know and LIKE them. We all have things we are put off by, I think, and I don't see the point in trying to get over a lifelong ICK factor item. Still, most folks are good looking, aren't they? Everyone has at least one winning feature, a good smile, nice hands, SOMEthing to start off with.

Very good point.

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:39:13 AM

cjan

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misst, from reading your posts over the last year, and your often stated view that you suck at relationships and emotional involvements, perhaps you should consider simply being content with being the village bicycle.

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:44:19 AM

missturbation

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

misst, from reading your posts over the last year, and your often stated view that you suck at relationships and emotional involvements, perhaps you should consider simply being content with being the village bicycle.

Lol good point.
However i am living in a small village and have lived here all my life. I've been the bike for those worthy already

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Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 9:55:18 AM

YoursMistress

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misst,

Be careful of self-deprecation in the context of relationships. When I devalue myself, minimizing my own worth, I end up trying to find someone who deserves less than my best, and I think it's a losing proposition. Joking is OK, but don't fall into that trap. Remember, the gift of yourself that you offer is precious and priceless, and you want to find someone who feels the same.

yours

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 3:30:07 PM

TexasMaam

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Get some help from your peers. As a trained slave/sub with beauty and brains to boot, you must know you are one in a billion. That's a far cry from a little fish in a puddle, dear!

If there is a Dom in your circle of acquaintances that you admire and trust, approach his submissive about asking him to find a potential Dom for you.

If he agrees, talk to him about your hopes and expectations. I have no doubt he, or someone he knows, will be acquainted with the sort of man you are looking for.

TexasMaam

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 3:51:59 PM

ELUSIVE1

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maybe the past less than successful relationships are because they don't live up to your expectations and needs in a partner.

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RE: Lost in a sea of................ - 3/1/2009 7:48:55 PM

mc1234

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I have always been the kind who goes for instant attraction not the growing on me kind of attraction. If a person doesn't 'wow' me reasonably wuickly i have usually moved on. Saying that though the one successful relationship i had whilst into BDSM was definately a grower. Maybe thats something i should look at a bit closer, not writing people off so quickly !!

I know what you mean about the attraction thing. Something that worked for me - not sharing photos straight up front. There's something kinda nice in getting to know someone through chat, phone while having a general idea of what he looks like, without knowing whether he's an 'average' or a 'handsome' or whatever. I've been at the point with someone whom I felt a strong connection - we laugh, chat about things other than D/s, got to know one another, how his mind works. I found him very attractive mentally. Physically ... I probably wouldn't have spent the time to know him. Which would have been such a shame, because when he touched me, it was electric.

Perhaps you do this already - not sure, but thought I'd offer my two cents...

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