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Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 3:09:36 PM

Kalapattar

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

After many years of denial and repression of my sub inclinations, I began searching for a Dom a couple of years ago. The premise of this search was to be upfront about my tendencies with the hope of finding a Dom who was searching for a committed/long term relationship.

I have met 3 Doms now. (yes, that's not many, but I've been busy with some other things too!)

All three were very nice, very successful, very well educated gentlemen. And all three had one thing in common: each had a first D/s experience, which they seemed to hold up as the gold standard, and each of the subs had died tragically. One died of breast cancer, one died of a drug overdose, and one died in a car accident.

As far as I can tell, these are true stories....not tales made up for a soft landing. These men had true emotions when talking about their former subs.

The statistical probability of one sub finding 3 Doms with tragic stories must be astronomical. So I'm interested in hearing from others....could this be a coincidence? Do many Doms have a first D/s relationship that ends tragically? Or is it possible that some Doms are trying to replace a perfect girlfriend or relive a tragic loss?

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

Post #: 1

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 3:27:50 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

As harsh as what I'm about to say may sound... how old are they and have you met them in person? I would guess that the odds of having a partner who passed away increases with each year of your life and the odds of being lied to lower after meeting them.

Is it possible? Yes and I wouldn't even call the odds astronomical. Many people have experienced sorrow in their lives. It's possible any a combination of the three are lying and telling the truth. But it's also possible that you are being lied to by all three. I would suggest preceeding with the same care you would give any online relationship and see if they've given you any real reason to doubt them.

*Warning* Poster has no actual stats on the issue and she is only offering what seems logical to her. Take it for what's it worth.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/2/2009 3:28:45 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 2

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 3:39:18 PM

Kalapattar

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I have met all three in person. And I met each one multiple times. Hence I can say that they expressed real emotion.

1 is in his 40s, 1 in his 50s and 1 in his 60s.

The 60 year old had his first sub girlfriend after his divorce in his 50s. The other 2 were girlfriends from college era days.

Thanks again for your thoughts and time.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 4:09:16 PM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

I would say that is probably a coincidence. Tragic ending or not, it is just human nature to hold up prior good relationships as the "gold standard". Add to that a little selective memory and the prior relationship can be something that is impossible or near-impossible to live up to. But that is natural and if you end up proceeding it forward with one of them, it should go away. If they continue comparing you to their prior after being together for a while, it may indicate a problem and an inability to move foward in new relationships.

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 4

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 4:42:28 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I think that people who lose partners to death, as opposed to divorce are going to be less jaded, less bitter, less cynical. I think you are selecting partners for these qualities and that's why you've encountered this.

This is both good and bad. Their hearts presumably are less guarded however they have an unreachable ideal they are holding up for you to match. And as we all know, memory tends to gloss over the late partner's habit of leaving hair in the sink, or shoes at the front door to trip over.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to EclipseAbove)

Post #: 5

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 7:07:28 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Welllllll.....there do seem to be a lot of untimely, early deaths in BDSM land. However, given the ages of the three men in question, it does sound like they're on the up and up.

What I have found, from personal experience, is that when men lose women they cared deeply about, those women do somehow become elevated to saint status. Everything they did was wonderful, they were perfect, and don't ever think that you can come close to replacing them. Perhaps it's part of the grieving process. I don't know, but I do know that it doesn't do much for your own self-esteem. I would say, proceed with caution.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 7:15:03 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I'm sorry....I have a feeling those two older gentlemen who had submissives in their teens.college years were probably exaggerating a bit. What I mean is that over the years they have fantasized about the relationships and now believe them to be D/s based. Lots of people who find D/s in later years realize afterwards that previous relationships were bent toward D/s even though they knew nothing about D/s at the time.

It's not unusual to remember first loves and make those loves out to be more intense and more meaningful than they actually were. Heck....I've done it myself. I still keep in contact with my 7th grade love.

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 7

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 8:27:14 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Whis an age differnece the younger person should take into account that the older partner logically will die first. But hell if we were to brood on the possible loss of a loved one, few whould get into any relationship and be poorer for it. Logic will say that at 64 I will die before my Neets (34) but it was her choice to hook up and form a loving relationship with me. My choice and duty is to do all I can to make sure that if this happens, she will be financially well set up for life.. A friend of mine, same age as me recently lost his partner/slave who was in her late 30's due to some young idiot hoponing one night. None of us could have predicted such an event. Ergo. all relationships are a bit of a lottery when it comes to who dies first.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/2/2009 8:28:27 PM >

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(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 8

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/2/2009 10:26:55 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Don't ask Me why, but this thread has made Me want to speak on the topic. Please understand that this is one femdom's perspective. It may not be the right one, but it is My experience.

My first slave is no longer in this realm. Years ago, he took his own life when he was not collared to Me. I stood at his casket and cried. I cried for the pain he felt because of and for the world that didn't understand him as a male that was different. I cried because, foolishly, I felt as a Dominant, I did not protect him. I cried because, regardless of role, a life was extinguished. I cried because it was painful and it hurt.

I can't make this post without mentioning that Mister Pact was there with Me that day. Years later, I had to tell him the significance of that particular boy in that casket. That he had been the first to offer himself to Me. There's a whole other story behind that. The point is, there is someone in My life who knows what the face of death of a slave looks like in My eyes.

Life is a series of meetings and partings. One of the ways that we part is death. Many of us in this lifestyle have experienced it. Those of us who have are at your local group, sitting across from you at the table at a munch, and some of us are even on random discussion boards.

My advice to you is the same as with many other topics. Trust, but verify. Please tread delicately. The topic of the death of someone who was once on the other side of the kneel should be dealt with in grace.

I've explained it poorly, but I hope you hear Me. In ways, I hope michael hears Me, too.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 9

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/3/2009 1:02:36 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Coincidences happen. When I met Master he told me about his wife/slave who had died 4 years previously from a brain tumour. His brothers wife had also died a few years earlier from the same condition.

Imagine how we felt when last year I was diagnosed with .......... yep a brain tumour. Things happen.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/3/2009 8:44:20 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

quote:

Their hearts presumably are less guarded however they have an unreachable ideal they are holding up for you to match. And as we all know, memory tends to gloss over the late partner's habit of leaving hair in the sink, or shoes at the front door to trip over.

this is so true, I have seen it in vanilla and BDSM relationships a number of times and what I have often seen is that the new partner never measures up in their eyes and their love still is reserved for the deceased partner rather than their current one, the new one tends to be more housekeeper with sexual rights... and the pain of not being accepted/love in the partner tends to be very obvious. and I find myself feeling very sorry for them

Due to the frequency I have seen this occur I have become very reluctant to get involve with widowers or if I do I am careful not to allow myself to get emotionally involved early on

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/3/2009 6:13:44 PM

librarysub

Posts: 32
Joined: 11/16/2008
Status: offline

I'm really intrigued by this because I'm part of a group of widows under 50. We often discuss that for us widowers tend to work out best. They understand that just because we will always love our late spouses, it doesn't mean we don't have room to love again. You do need to be careful that the widower has taken the time and done the work to get through the grief (never over it just through it). We as widows/ers have to remember that each realtionship is different just as the love of a parent for each child is different.

_____________________________

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i'm an adult so i can do whatever my Master wants

i swallow because i like to keep things clean.

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 12

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/3/2009 10:34:34 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes
Welllllll.....there do seem to be a lot of untimely, early deaths in BDSM land.

I cannot tell you how many submissives approach me with "she died anywhere from 3months to 3years ago." Makes me wonder if everybody is doing breath play without the oxygen saturation monitoring, and waiting for the blue person to tap...

It is very possible Kalapattar, that they are telling the truth; my experience is most are not, when telling the tale of untimely death... Lately it's been much less sad, in that the dommes are simply moving away while sick or for work reasons. In any event, what you need to do is proceed with caution, and don't give away more than you can afford to lose (emotionally or otherwise). M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 13

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/3/2009 11:35:39 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalapattar

The statistical probability of one sub finding 3 Doms with tragic stories must be astronomical. So I'm interested in hearing from others....could this be a coincidence? Do many Doms have a first D/s relationship that ends tragically? Or is it possible that some Doms are trying to replace a perfect girlfriend or relive a tragic loss?

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

Full amazement I read your question kalapattar, you've had 3 dates, with men who confide in you about their loved once
whom they lost, and you doubt that?

you question them on here, and want Us to judge whether they
are real or not??
as if We know?

I can't imagine that people would get a kick about faking some once death (exceptions are out there I know)
but geeeeeeeeeez woman.

They aren't in their 20ts where life is just starting,
so They are busy with putting their life back
on track.

I really do wonder where you come from,
for asking this silly question, if they are replacing
their "perfect girlfriend"?

The first perfectone has to b born yet.

I wish you a goodday.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 14

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 3:51:59 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Goddezz T, if you doubt that people idealize lost loves, you need to get out and about more.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 15

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 7:39:29 AM

Kalapattar

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Godezz T,

I believe if you read my original post and one response, I made it clear that I do indeed believe these gentlemen's stories. I didn't ask anyone to judge.

Just the same, thank you for your time and thoughts.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 11:40:44 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Goddezz T, if you doubt that people idealize lost loves, you need to get out and about more.

Yep. It's so easy to love a ghost. They make so few mistakes.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 17

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 12:46:01 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Goddezz T, if you doubt that people idealize lost loves, you need to get out and about more.

I don't like generalising. Some will do
but others won't.

I didn't knew that you we're My neighbour though.
Nice to know !!!

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 12:47:29 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalapattar

Godezz T,

I believe if you read my original post and one response, I made it clear that I do indeed believe these gentlemen's stories. I didn't ask anyone to judge.

Just the same, thank you for your time and thoughts.

Well that's how it felt to Me.
That's why I said what I said.

Have a good one

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 19

RE: Reliving A Tragic Loss - 3/4/2009 5:10:34 PM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalapattar

After many years of denial and repression of my sub inclinations, I began searching for a Dom a couple of years ago. The premise of this search was to be upfront about my tendencies with the hope of finding a Dom who was searching for a committed/long term relationship.

I have met 3 Doms now. (yes, that's not many, but I've been busy with some other things too!)

All three were very nice, very successful, very well educated gentlemen. And all three had one thing in common: each had a first D/s experience, which they seemed to hold up as the gold standard, and each of the subs had died tragically. One died of breast cancer, one died of a drug overdose, and one died in a car accident.

As far as I can tell, these are true stories....not tales made up for a soft landing. These men had true emotions when talking about their former subs.

The statistical probability of one sub finding 3 Doms with tragic stories must be astronomical. So I'm interested in hearing from others....could this be a coincidence? Do many Doms have a first D/s relationship that ends tragically? Or is it possible that some Doms are trying to replace a perfect girlfriend or relive a tragic loss?

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

Im thankful that i have never lost a submissive through death as i cant imagine how that would feel,but to answer the other point you raise on why they seem to hold them up as a benchmark//gold standard.
I was in a relationship a few years back that we both thought would lead to a lifetime relationship but through reasons theres no need to discuss here we ended very suddenly but veryamicably, i ve always had this lingering feeling that we never completed our journey and perhaps because of this i hold her as my "gold standard"(of course ive moved on but theres no doubt a little of her lives tucked away deep inside me and i certainly avoid drawing comparisons with girls ive met since (although that has to be a concious effort on my part)

To lose someone when the emotions are still running high and the excitement still very much there could explain why we on ccasion place someone on a pedestal and they become our "gold standard"

(in reply to Kalapattar)

Post #: 20

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