seaturtle50
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Joined: 12/28/2005
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quote:
i've been lied to for the very same reasons. But more so as i tend to be abit over emotional and it saves me the upset. In away to protect me from myself. i look at it in a different way then you though. Because i look for the intent and if the intent is good i give leeway. i actually think its quite nice that they would care to spare me. But then, maybe it is because i know where my own weak spots are. Though i always find out, but when i do i always factor into my brain that it wasnt a self serving lie. Which to me is important.
i do not consider it anyone’s business to save me an upset. My upsets are mine, and are allowed by me. They are in a way, also my truth(s). They are most certainly my teachers. i do suppose that if i had asked one for protection from myself, i could view it the way you describe. But for them to do without said permission, i can only view as an insult and violation.
i think that in practical application, the term "i did not want to hurt your feelings" is truly a cop out and is also absurd. (since the feelings were now hurt twice  )
quote:
So do you find it rude and hurtful that they are doubting you? Its not especially the lie, but the doubt of you being able to handle yourself? That and the blatant disregard for your list of priorities?
In my case, the person "shielding" me from the real truth was not necessarily doubting me or my ability to handle myself. i was trying to say, once i let down my boundaries to another, and reveal myself to be one who values the truth, and then is intentionally deceived by the one i am trusting, that is hurtful. The fact that they justify this behavior by saying the absurd "i did not want to hurt your feelings" is rude.
you may be overstating with "list of priorities" as i am only speaking about honesty. About being free to trust. (which in my opinion requires one to be trustworthy).
Did i answer your question to me??? (if not i am likely confused to what the question is, exactly )
quote:
Very well put. Though i can see lies in my minds eye, that were to save my feelings, that did not steal intimacy. i think it also depends on the lie. Once again, the intent. But very well put = )
Yes, while like everything in life i suppose, so much has to do with perceptions. i cannot and do not perceive as you do, although i can see some advantages to the way you chose to look at it.
in my case, this is not possible for me. i could never (and would never chose) to view an intimates lie as them saving me from anything. They are in fact robbing me (us) of something that could be very profound.
Example: i have a gf, we have been together 9 years, very loving, mostly very good years. We are engaged. (true story). She decides that she no longer wishes to be said gf or fiancee and that she in fact is now more attracted to friend "A."
She can either tell me, and let me be me. And see what that is all about, or she can pretend everything is "normal" till the day she walks out the door.
Had she taken the first track, she would have been exceedingly loved. (and no, it would not have been all fluffy and comfortable to deal with). That is to say, loved at a time when it was not at all easy to love her. She would have found a person who understands that these things do happen. That she is a person (a good person) and that he himself understands what it is like to be a person. He knows he is capable of the very same. That one cannot control matters of the heart. That she was only doing what she needed to do, as is her right.
She would have been loved through the process, been supported in her need for something more/better/different and would have had a friend for life. One who could so easily prove his love for her, as that is what would have been required to treat her that way through such a transition. She could have experienced that. They could have nurtured one another through this. Their love for one another actually strengthened by their seperation.
Instead, she picked the path of deception. The result was a total lack of nurturing. It was a complete and immediate disconnection. It was ultimately a loss of a very strong and what i considered to be great friendship. A loss required by the fact that i know my friends do not treat me that way.
Note: if you sense anger in my words, as I relate my story, it is an upset at the loss of something valuable and profound to me, not at the situation or lie told.
i suppose that i think somehow that honesty only holds serious value when it is most inconvenient.
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RE: Honesty - 
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