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just wondering - 1/21/2006 2:41:19 PM   
crystalamber


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/26/2005
From: Nebraska
Status: offline 		Hi,

I don't post very often on these boards. But, I do come here to read quite a bit. I'm very grateful for all the wonderful opinions shown here. :)

I guess I'm needing advice from those who are more experienced than me. I've only been active in the BDSM world for a few months.
I've had Doms contact me via Yahoo IM quite a bit lately. Evidently they came across my profile somewhere, somehow.
I had a Dom contact me recently, and one of the first things he said (in fact it was his opening line, I think), "I'm looking foward to get to know you, training you, and using you." Something like that. I'm the type that sub frenzy hits me hard when I first start talking to Doms. I've weeded out quite a few players. But, the ones who seem genuine at first, I have a harder time with.

My question is: is it "normal" or "acceptable" for Doms to automatically assume the control and authority, right from the start?
He's been quite understanding of the kindds of things I've been talking to him about.
But, he's already saying things like "my p*ssy, my c*nt, my slut" I'm uncomfortable with that. I suppose I'll tell him about it the next time I talk to him; and see how he reacts.

sigh......I'm not real experienced with even vanilla dating. This "search for a Dom" has been taking a lot out of me lately.

Well, I gotta run. Thanks for any input.
Take care all,
crystal amber
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 2:48:55 PM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		some men seems to naturally draw that response back out from a woman when they speak to them as such and if it is something that makes you uncomfortable you are very much within your right to say that bothers me, i am not yours we are just speaking.
Master is the only one that calls me any such name or claims any kind of ownership to my body parts.
and alot of us do take offense when Doms try to be that way with one in their newness


quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalamber

Hi,

I don't post very often on these boards. But, I do come here to read quite a bit. I'm very grateful for all the wonderful opinions shown here. :)

I guess I'm needing advice from those who are more experienced than me. I've only been active in the BDSM world for a few months.
I've had Doms contact me via Yahoo IM quite a bit lately. Evidently they came across my profile somewhere, somehow.
I had a Dom contact me recently, and one of the first things he said (in fact it was his opening line, I think), "I'm looking foward to get to know you, training you, and using you." Something like that. I'm the type that sub frenzy hits me hard when I first start talking to Doms. I've weeded out quite a few players. But, the ones who seem genuine at first, I have a harder time with.

My question is: is it "normal" or "acceptable" for Doms to automatically assume the control and authority, right from the start?
He's been quite understanding of the kindds of things I've been talking to him about.
But, he's already saying things like "my p*ssy, my c*nt, my slut" I'm uncomfortable with that. I suppose I'll tell him about it the next time I talk to him; and see how he reacts.

sigh......I'm not real experienced with even vanilla dating. This "search for a Dom" has been taking a lot out of me lately.

Well, I gotta run. Thanks for any input.
Take care all,
crystal amber



_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 2:58:48 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I can only speak from my style and that is not to assume any control until we have mutual agreement.... it drives some submissives crazy with frustration and that's the way I like it


_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 3:53:48 PM   
windy135


Posts: 437
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on how you feel about it. I do not like it when Doms assume they control me. I am submissive but come on, being a Dom does'nt mean you do not have manners so use them. I would tell you to never settle as new as you are to this lifestyle keep searching until you really find someone you connect with. Be patient its bound to happen :)

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 3:54:14 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Hi crystal


This is strictly *my* opinion/food for thought. I have the same dating protocol in my D/s life as I did in my vanilla. I don't really see any difference. From your description, it appears to be the courting or dating < maybe cyber dating > phase.

As for this particular Dominants opening line about knowing you, training you, using you. Well, it would be a turn off for me as a first impression, but I see nothing inherently wrong with it.

But..< there's always a but, lol > as for his referral to you being his slut or claiming your pussy as his.. nawwwwwwww... I would be a goner. Again, only MHO, but I would see that as assuming that I had no say in the matter and that simply by the name I call myself
< submissive> I am property waiting to be claimed. Kinda like the exploers of old, poking there flag in unchartered territories and claiming it their own.

Let's say this was a vanilla relationship. First date, the guy takes you to dinner and over a nice meal tells you.. " ya know, I can't wait to slip my cock in that hot mouth of yours " or " I bet that pussy of yours is pretty tight ". You would probably choke on your food and tell him striaght out what's what. Same here, if you don't like him using those words at this juncture of your relationship, set him straight. You are not his submissive at this time.
Submissive does not mean you are expected to accept any behavior from any Dominant, simply by the nature of the roles. Now on the other hand, in an established relationship, that type of talk would invoke a completely different response. LOL.

You said you will talk to him about it.. do that. It's all about communication on both sides.
Be true to yourself and if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your instincts.

Best wishes to you.

mbmbn

edited for clarification


< Message edited by maybemaybenot -- 1/21/2006 3:58:21 PM >

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 5:19:09 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

My question is: is it "normal" or "acceptable" for Doms to automatically assume the control and authority, right from the start?


if it isn't acceptable to you, what difference would it make if a handfull of folks here think it is normal?

quote:

I'm not real experienced with even vanilla dating. This "search for a Dom" has been taking a lot out of me lately.


this slave did a lot of vanilla dating. it has been her experience that "searching for a Dom" had few similarities to vanilla dating, but that is merely this slave's experience.

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 5:52:19 PM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

I for one do not assume control, I may set posture letting the sub know who the Master will be but control to me is much like a passage. I have been criticized that I’m too nice or too friendly but that is my web. On the other side of the passage things change.

Guys like the one you describe I think a little insecure or not real experienced and eager to test waters. It's kinda like the little guys that need to constantly prove they are hard asses. While the big guys have to prove their gentler side.

My advice ? Get to know them and like their person first, before you start submitting to him. If your not after a sadist and he is a good guy the likely will be a good dom for you. On the other hand if he is coming off harsh (in your opinion) that may be amplified later. If your gut is waiving flags or subtly making you wince its for a reason --- Pay attention to it.

del Rey

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: just wondering - 1/21/2006 6:08:52 PM   
cltcdrd


Posts: 86
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My question is: is it "normal" or "acceptable" for Doms to automatically assume the control and authority, right from the start?


It's been my experience ( and only mine, this in no way refers to the general populace ) that those who start out like that are looking only to get laid, or do some cybering.

quote:

He's been quite understanding of the kindds of things I've been talking to him about.
But, he's already saying things like "my p*ssy, my c*nt, my slut" I'm uncomfortable with that. I suppose I'll tell him about it the next time I talk to him; and see how he reacts.


Well, I can't really say how he will react, but my guess will be with something like 'bitch you have no say in how i address you '

quote:

sigh......I'm not real experienced with even vanilla dating. This "search for a Dom" has been taking a lot out of me lately.


Hmmm, then maybe you need to step back and stop searching?

_____________________________

~~May Bright Blessings Be Bestowed Upon You and Yours~~

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 12:08:28 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		You really have multiple questions going on.

1. Are doms predominantly dominant?

Yes.

2. Do doms normally come on by calling you names?

No. That's rudeness, not dominance.

3. Do doms automatically assume they can do what they want with you?

No. That's presumptive.

So, if you didn't give some go-ahead signal, what everybody is telling you is that you have to carefully choose your master, just as you would a dentist, doctor, or lover in vanilla life.

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 9:57:41 AM   
Tapestry


Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline 		Crystalamber,

Honorable dominant men are generally very courteous and gentlemanly. They tend to be very polite and chivalrous. Yes, once they've established a relationship and things are moving forward, they can be more demanding and even rough and vulgar during sex and or play. After all, they are the ones we give authority to. But in general, when interacting with submissive women, dominant men go to great lengths to treat us with respect and dignity.
Yes, i've had interaction with a few who acted like the one you describe. i simply stopped interacting with them. i'm not here to be abused.
Please, locate and join your local BDSM group so you can find out what real people are like, and interact with the folks near you. It's ok to interact with people online too, just remember, anybody can say anything in cyber-space, it doesn't make it true.
As to this search taking a lot out of you, relax and slow down. And let them find you. The right one will come along. In the meantime, get to know folks in your local community, maybe find a mentor there, and have fun!

_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 10:56:38 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		If someone says something that offends you, just say something like "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." His reaction to that statement should tell you all you need to know.

(in reply to Tapestry)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 11:18:13 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

If someone says something that offends you, just say something like "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." His reaction to that statement should tell you all you need to know.


Agreed.

Or "I'm sorry, but at this phase of our aquantence that makes me uncomfortable and I'd prefer we back off some."

I think that prior to belonging to that person, this is perfectly reasonable.


_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 1:44:23 PM   
crystalamber


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/26/2005
From: Nebraska
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

I am getting involved with the local BDSM groups and events. I'm friends with a local Dom and His slave, and I go to events with them. This Dom is not exactly my mentor, but he answers my questions honestly and directly.

Last night, I did send an IM to the Dom I was asking about. I let him know that i was uncomfortable with certain things (I was specific), and I told him I thought it was too soon to be talking about him owning anything of mine. So, we'll see what he says, if he even IM's me again.

Thank you all so much.
crystal amber

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: just wondering - 1/22/2006 7:27:48 PM   
ScorpGirl444


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		I would love to hear what he has to say about you voicing your opinion.

While that wait is happening I am going to comment on this topic.

Everyone has their opinions about whether what he said in the very beginning was right or wrong, good or bad. I wonder for those that think it's ok to speak to someone like that before any other words are exchanged have any self respect.

Why do I say that? I am submissive. There is NO WAY IN THE HOT PLACE that I will allow someone to speak to me like that before he even says hi. I mean, that's just respect.
Just because someone is submissive, it doesn't give every Dom in the world the right to treat her like she's his. Also, just because you are submissive does not mean you need to take it either.

Personally, if you're a Dom and you want to talk to me, I expect you to be able to treat me like the human I am. If we wind up taking the conversations to the next level and meeting and playing and what not, then you can start talking to me like that. At least I know your name and that you can hold a regular conversation.
It is very important to me that if we are going to interact in anyway, that you can show that you are interested in something, anything other than the D/s relationship.

Saying I look forward to getting to know you, training you and using you, just proves a one track mind. You have to ask yourself...what is the point of starting anything with someone if there is no way to know if "normal" activities and conversations will also be possible?

~Scorp~

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: just wondering - 1/23/2006 5:51:13 AM   
MysticalPhoenix


Posts: 212
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalamber
I've had Doms contact me via Yahoo IM quite a bit lately. Evidently they came across my profile somewhere, somehow.
I had a Dom contact me recently, and one of the first things he said (in fact it was his opening line, I think), "I'm looking foward to get to know you, training you, and using you." Something like that. I'm the type that sub frenzy hits me hard when I first start talking to Doms. I've weeded out quite a few players. But, the ones who seem genuine at first, I have a harder time with.


Crystalamber, I'd recommend being very careful when dealing with people who IM you out of the blue. Your sub frenzy is going to make you an easy target for players, wankers, time wasters, married men, etc. They are not going to treat you like a person to them, you are an abstraction, a free source of Internet porn to them. Predators can always tell which prey to go after.

Although it may be very hard for you to do, if someone starts talking in a way you don't like (i.e. very sexual, or using language that makes you uncomfortable) block them immediately-they are typing with one hand, and you are wasting your time talking to them. If you say something to them about it, they will either get insulting, or just stop talking to you.

Don't take my word for it, pick up a book on Internet dating (or visit some websites) and read up on the warning signs, and what not to do.

Phoenix

_____________________________

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: just wondering - 1/23/2006 6:17:27 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Until you can trust your experience and judgement to balance out your frenzy, it's best to just keep things even leveled and not let someone take advantage (even if you REALLY want them to).

When you finally can trust your judgement to be useful to you, THEN you can know who to let take advantage of you. :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crystalamber)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: just wondering - 1/23/2006 2:13:08 PM   
crystalamber


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/26/2005
From: Nebraska
Status: offline 		ScorpGirl, thanks for your thoughts. :)

Phoenix, that wasn't what I wanted to hear......but, I know that I needed to hear it. And, I will take your advice. Thanks for being straight-foward. :)

Albatross, thank you, too, for your honesty. It caused me to think about some things. You know, learning about this lifestyle has been VERY cathartic for me. Much more cathartic than 15 years of therapy. I've learned a LOT more about myself in 6 months just by talking to lifestyle people. ::grin:: How weird is that?

Thanks again. :)
crystal ambeer

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: just wondering - 1/23/2006 2:35:01 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

I can only speak from my style and that is not to assume any control until we have mutual agreement.... it drives some submissives crazy with frustration and that's the way I like it


I agree, and nicely put too! Too many times sub/slaves are so eager to be owned and to fill that need to serve that they blindly go into a relationship without asking questions. You have the right to ask questions if you are unsure. You have the right to have your questions answered. You have the right to find out exactly what to expect in this relationship. Use this time to find out exactly what you want so that you can convey to him clearly what your needs are and ask him what his are too. Good luck to you.

_____________________________





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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: just wondering - 1/23/2006 11:47:22 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Your sub frenzy is going to make you an easy target…


Phoenix! Shhhhhhh!!! I was planning my crystal campaign!

Tapestry, I like that name!


(in reply to MysticalPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: just wondering - 1/24/2006 4:12:03 AM   
Tapestry


Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio

quote:

Your sub frenzy is going to make you an easy target…


Phoenix! Shhhhhhh!!! I was planning my crystal campaign!

Tapestry, I like that name!



Thank you!

_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 20
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