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Self doubt - 3/3/2009 9:51:08 AM   
devotedOwner19


Posts: 47
Joined: 3/26/2008
Status: offline 		Do any other Doms ever have moment or periods of self doubt, such as weather or not your doing good for your sub or  if your actually a good Dom. perhaps even if you might be stepping over the line into abuse rather then domination. if you do have these moment or periods how do you deal with them, get past them, or ignore them. i do relize ill probably get burned at the stake for this but i have these doubt occasionally and im wondering if it normal if im the only Dom out there who has doubts
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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 9:58:16 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Everyone, regardless of their side of the kneel or lack-there-of has doubts; it's part of being human. 
As far as whether or not you are crossing the line, your own sense of right and wrong coupled with feedback from your other (Assuming you have a relationship healthy enough to permit dialogue) should tell you what you need to know. 
  Davan

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(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 12:26:48 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: devotedOwner19

Do any other Doms ever have moment or periods of self doubt, such as weather or not your doing good for your sub or if your actually a good Dom. perhaps even if you might be stepping over the line into abuse rather then domination. if you do have these moment or periods how do you deal with them, get past them, or ignore them....
I think you have to rely on your sub for accurate feedback about her experience.
But you have to be able to go with your own feeling, too, about whether you're on the right track or not.
You can share your feelings with her and maybe she can help you process them.
That's part of what subs are for (or, to speak for myself, part of what I like to use them for.)

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 12:43:20 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		FR

I don't believe that I have ever met anyone, including Presidents, Prime Ministers, Governors, Governor Generals and Royalty who have never once had self doubts.

Having self doubts is often a good reality check and thus can be healthy as long as it is not your favourite paranoia. Self doubts are not the issue, but rather how you deal with them is the potent situation.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/3/2009 12:45:44 PM >

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(in reply to Jeptha)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 2:21:23 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Actually, it's the ones who don't have any doubts are the ones you have to watch out for.  Anybody who's been doing this for a while will tell you.  We make mistakes, have "whoops" moments, and not every scene goes off without a hitch.  

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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 5:46:22 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do any other Doms ever have moment or periods of self doubt, such as weather or not your doing good for your sub or if your actually a good Dom. perhaps even if you might be stepping over the line into abuse rather then domination. if you do have these moment or periods how do you deal with them, get past them, or ignore them. i do relize ill probably get burned at the stake for this but i have these doubt occasionally and im wondering if it normal if im the only Dom out there who has doubts

A couple of thoughts:
  • As others have said, doubts are normal. It's good to think about what you're doing, how you're doing it, and whether you're moving the relationship in the direction you want to go.
  • It seems that you're mostly concerned about abuse v. domination. Think about why you're doing what you're doing, not just what. And, make sure you're communicating clearly around this topic.
  • Finally: you can't punish your way to a happy, healthy relationship. If what you're doing is starting to feel like abuse, then investigate other strategies for bringing about the relationship you seek.

Good luck,
Rex

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/3/2009 5:53:25 PM   
sojourner9


Posts: 22
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline 		I'd be more concerned about a dominant that didn't have moments of self-doubt. 

How do you get through them?  Talk to others in the community.  Ask them what they think.  Talk to your submissive.  Ask them what they think.  And then make your own decision based on what you know and what feels right.



(in reply to RexLongBeach)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/4/2009 9:43:12 AM   
EclipseAbove


Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		I'll echo what's already been said.  Questioning yourself is a good thing as long as you don't over do it and get hung up on not being perfect.  Just remember that the last guy who was perfect got nailed to a cross for it - perfection is over-rated.  One way to get past the self-doubt is to do an honest analysis of what you're doing and why.  Outside feedback will help give you a better picture of how you are doing.  If you find things that can be improved or done differently, improve them.  If not, you can honestly say that you are doing the best you possibly can.  Revisit it from time to time.

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/4/2009 1:07:40 PM   
zero69u2


Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		I think this is a very normal response.. of growth in your development as a dominant.

stepping over the line into abuse rather then domination
Dom Time out (regain your center) maintain your control and back away from the situation. communication with your partner is important.  change the scene into something you both enjoy.. Your doing something that your not comfortable doing.

Alot of times when i first started I'd have these questions am i really a dominant or a switch.. am i really into this or do i just want kinky sex and the self doubts of who you are.. even.. though you know the answer..

I'd use the old technique of finding a Dom/Domme Mentor..talking with some local Domme's might be good for your self growth..
If you can find a few allys that can give you some interesting insights and relieve your self-doubts. As well as give you good advice from time to time..


(in reply to EclipseAbove)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/4/2009 3:48:45 PM   
MasterRaid


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline
quote:

Do any other Doms ever have moment or periods of self doubt, such as weather or not your doing good for your sub or  if your actually a good Dom. perhaps even if you might be stepping over the line into abuse rather then domination. if you do have these moment or periods how do you deal with them, get past them, or ignore them. i do relize ill probably get burned at the stake for this but i have these doubt occasionally and im wondering if it normal if im the only Dom out there who has doubts


Good rule of thumb for you, if you have doubt you are probably doing it right. Remember the sane man has trouble sleeping after a tragedy the crazy ones sleep like babes. So if you are doubting yourself I would first look at what exactly it is you are doubting. An action you did or punishment you dealt out, or broader scope how you are handling daily life. Then as far as how you would handle or get past these moments is simple you can either speak with your submissive or use other Doms you trust as sounding boards. We all need someone to talk to or shoulders to lean on, lets face it being a Dominant means we do all the hard work. Being a submissive is the easy part you simply do as told.


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..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to zero69u2)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/4/2009 4:34:33 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I have doubts at times, tends to remind me that I'm not perfect and that I'm not all knowing and still a human being.

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/4/2009 9:06:52 PM   
Denae


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		i think this is where the trust is really important... it's not just about me trusting Sir with my safety, but its also about Sir knowing that He can trust me with his.  Safety is so much more than physical.  He knows that i will use a safe word if i need to and that i will be completely honest with Him about my needs.  He can also trust me to provide comfort when He is experiencing doubt or feeling "off."

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/6/2009 8:29:47 PM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		When you are living life to the fullest, you will always have moments of doubt, if you don't, you need to open your eyes before you hurt yourself or someone else. The little doubts in our lives keep us grounded and out of the clouds.  Don't let the doubts over take you, but deal with them, and keep living life.

(in reply to devotedOwner19)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/6/2009 9:13:39 PM   
LovingDom86


Posts: 27
Joined: 2/16/2009
Status: offline 		I agree with everything said here, some great insight put into words better than I could have hoped to:)

What I would add is that it's all a part of growth; to never question, never explore or wonder, to believe and act as we have attained some height of perfection, is simply foolish.  To the day I die, I hope to find some room for improvement in all things, and question everything I possibly can to find a greater meaning and joy in life. 

So yes, I add my 2 cents to the rest of the replies and agree it's perfectly normal and healthy to feel how you are.  Treat it as an opportunity for growth, for you personally and with your sub.

LD

(in reply to SirDarkside357)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/7/2009 4:26:19 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		To doubt, is to be human.
With that said, I doubt stuff on a regular basis/ I am an analytical guy and always seeking self improvement.
that means I am constantly examining my life, seeing where I could have done better.
This includes scenes.
I will replay as scene for hours in my head afterward (Hey, I am all wound up anyways and sleep is going to be far off).
So sure, I know areas and situations where I guarantee I could have done better, and doubted myself for it.
But its been years since I wondered whether I went from Domination to abuse.
And I am a hard way out on the edge player.
I think most of that is because I know, and I mean really know, the people I engage in BDSM with.
There is a huge difference between sadism and abuse and I am really clear where that line is.

How do I deal with it?
I talk to her, ask her to tell me what she felt, what her reactions are.
Why do I need to doubt when I can ask and know?
She's a sub/slave-property.
She is obligated to tell the truth
And I have zilch to lose except ego...
So why walk around uncertain?

Lastly, and purely as an aside, you rock for asking this.
Lots of folks, especially alpha male dominants, would never ask such an potentially exposing question on a public forum.
Being vulnerable isn't always something we do well.
We all wrestle with doubt, but so few discuss it, as if it should be stigmatized.
By having the cojones to ask this the way you did, you showed me more about your capacity for dominance than anything I could have read.

(in reply to LovingDom86)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/7/2009 7:56:05 AM   
Ropebefun


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone does a double take in their mind at some point, I myself have done a fair amount.  If we didn't we would not learn from any situation.  Doubt is normal as long as it does not start to consume you.

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/8/2009 5:52:36 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		You only learn when you make a mistake.   If you are not making mistakes, you are only doing things you know how to do backwards and forwards.

How boring.  I would consider someone like that to be dull.

(in reply to Ropebefun)
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RE: Self doubt - 3/8/2009 8:58:58 PM   
MissLaura1973


Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline 		I have doubts - always have, always will. I acknowledge them, try and see my weaknesses, thank others when they are able to identify things that I cannot, and continually strive to improve myself as a human being ... and through that process I improve myself as a dominant.

There were a few times, early in my "dominant" life, when I felt I was approaching a level of abuse (in a discipline setting). I did not like that and learned to step away and calm down before returning to the situation and evaluating things both calmly and rationally.

I do my damnedest not to ignore those doubts - that niggling voice that I hear in the back of my mind has been honed over the years and is rarely wrong - if it's speaking up, I better stop, listen, and assess what is happening.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 18
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