No longer sure where I fit

No longer sure where I fit (Full Version)

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LostLovedKnight -> No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 1:58:02 AM)
I know that in the bedroom I am completely dominating., however outside the bedroom I prefer my lady to be just that. An intelligent, thinking, assertive, and strong. Rarely in a relationship have I ever "put my foot down" about an aspect of real life. But once inside the bedroom by instinct assume complete and utter control. It isn't anything I need to think about, it is who I am. I am just not sure where exactly in this lifestyle I fit in anymore. Anyone have an opinon???????

sirsholly -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 2:04:16 AM)
My husband/Dom is pretty much the same way, and we have a very good relationship. My advice to you is to stop worrying about where you fit and just enjoy where you are.[:)]

scifi1133 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 2:08:02 AM)
[sm=agree.gif] good advise clumsy one

LostLovedKnight -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:08:02 AM)
I am sorry, I should have been a little clearer. I am completely happy with who I am. This quest for knowledge is simply an interest, a curiosity. A simple bit of knowledge, so that I can comunicate with others in the lifestyle with a bit more clarity.

sirsholly -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:10:19 AM)
then you are in the right place. The knowledge on these forums is amazing[:)]

Lashra -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:13:06 AM)
It is your relationship as long as you both are happy, that is all that matters. People in the community do not need to know the intimate details of your dynamic. So be happy that you have something that works for you, many people in the community do not have that. Being a "Dominant" does not mean you have to control every aspect of your lives/relationship. You tailor it to fit your needs, wants and desires. Good luck, ~Lashra

LostLovedKnight -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:25:07 AM)
Well that is one of the reasons for this quest. My one true love and I cannot be together right now (REALLY long story). So for the time being we have agreed that I can have relationships with others, while still knowing that when the time gets here that her and I will be together. Trust me, I know how confusing it sounds. So anway, back on subject. The reason I am searching for a bit of clarity is so when I am comunicating with others I can be as clear as possible as to my desires, position, interests..... My desires do go beyond just the love of kinky sex as by nature I do have a dominating personality and I always have for as far back as I can remember. However, it is not as in depth as to the need to control every aspect of someones life. At least not yet, lol. For example, I was chatting with a lady a couple of weeks ago and all of a sudden she asked permission to go to the bathroom........ It was a complete turn off.

Lashra -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:31:12 AM)
quote: she asked permission to go to the bathroom........ Yeah I am not into that type of thing at all. I tell my sub if you gotta go get your ass up and go lol. As for your relationship, just explain its an open relationship. That is really all anyone needs to know. Good luck, ~Lashra

LostLovedKnight -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 3:40:39 AM)
Well thank you to the both of you. You are truely a fountain of enlightenment.

daddysprop247 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 4:51:52 AM)
when communicating with others, if i were you, i would explain that i am a "sexual Dominant," as opposed to simply saying, "Dominant." while being a Dominant certainly does not need to equate to a desire to micromanage or for TPE, imo it does involve the need/strong desire to wield some degree of control over your partner's life, not simply your sex life. those looking for more all-encompassing Dominants and relationships could be very disappointed, but many seek exactly what it is you have to offer. the use of a simple adjective could provide a great deal of clarification.

zero69u2 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 5:31:29 AM)
"I was chatting with a lady a couple of weeks ago and all of a sudden she asked permission to go to the bathroom........" It was a complete turn off. Maybe she honestly had to take a Whiz.. Why did'nt you appreciate her polite behavior ?

sirsholly -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 5:49:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zero69u2 "I was chatting with a lady a couple of weeks ago and all of a sudden she asked permission to go to the bathroom........" It was a complete turn off. Maybe she honestly had to take a Whiz.. Why did'nt you appreciate her polite behavior ? in a case like that, as a submissive that is not micromanaged and never will be, i would have politely excused myself as opposed to asking for permission.

FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 6:05:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddysprop247 when communicating with others, if i were you, i would explain that i am a "sexual Dominant," as opposed to simply saying, "Dominant." while being a Dominant certainly does not need to equate to a desire to micromanage or for TPE, imo it does involve the need/strong desire to wield some degree of control over your partner's life, not simply your sex life. those looking for more all-encompassing Dominants and relationships could be very disappointed, but many seek exactly what it is you have to offer. the use of a simple adjective could provide a great deal of clarification. Ditto! This resonates with my feelings on the matter. It isn't so much about lableing yourself exactly, but more to give a clear idea of your style and desire. For myself, if a sub asks for permission to go to the restroom, I think "cute, I like him, I want more of that", as opposed to being turned off. Different strokes you see M

camille65 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 6:11:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: zero69u2 "I was chatting with a lady a couple of weeks ago and all of a sudden she asked permission to go to the bathroom........" It was a complete turn off. Maybe she honestly had to take a Whiz.. Why did'nt you appreciate her polite behavior ? It may not have simply been polite behavior. "Please Sir LostLovedKnight I beg your permission to use the bathroom?" "Excuse me please for a moment, I need to use the bathroom". The first I see as a type of manipulation (because this takes place during a casual chat where protocol has not been established), she is trying to force his domination. The second one I do see as basic politeness, excusing oneself from a situation to use the bathroom or whatever else need there is for leaving. It isn't begging or even asking. I can remember a few times when I was having 'get to know you' first chats with some men while still seeking. Some occasions I would say the latter and get jumped on for not begging their permission... and that was a definite turn off. They did not own me, I had not submitted to them. I was simply talking to him. Yes I was approaching them as submissive towards dominants but I was not theirs. So a simple 'excuse me while I xxxx' is mannerly without being obsequious. OP, you fit. You are who you are and you seem pretty comfortable with that. I think that props advice was sound. If you need a label then 'sexual dominant' seems to be a good one for you. There is nothing wrong with being a sexual dominant! A lot of bedroom submissives exist, wanting nothing more than being submissive behind that closed door.

DesFIP -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 6:13:18 AM)
If she doesn't need you to put your foot down, and you don't need to do it - then what's the problem? Lots of D types here are no nonsense, strict, rule with an iron fist, punish at the slightest delay, etc, etc. If they can find a s type who goes for that for long, the more power to them (pun intended). But here it isn't needed. If we disagree on something then we both explain our thinking and how we came to opposite conclusions. Either someone was missing a piece of information, which when given leads us both to a common ground or else someone simply misunderstood. We want the same outcome, a happy and harmonious relationship that serves both our needs. Usually that means he will take the lead as a matter of course simply because he's happier like that and I am too. On the rare occasion one of us balks? Time for talking it out.

IronBear -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 6:20:52 AM)
FR I believe it would be a mistake to believe that a Dominant is required to be dominating and even aggressively so all the time. I often go weeks without giving many direct obvious commands. I expect those with me understand me well enough that they will pick up on what to the mundane will appear simple requests quietly given as commands to be obeyed instantly. I am more likely to be criticized by those same mundane, blinkered overbearing self styled do-gooders when I use hand commands of an adaptation of Native American Signing to have a slave do what ever I want. Heh. Still I am adept in tearing a new arsehole in a very gentlemanly manner without breaching either good manners or etiquette in either a male or female. They probably don’t realize they have a new rectum until they use it on their next visit to the dunny. In the final analysis, what works for you and your partner is good to go and bugger what the rest of us think or do..

mc1234 -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 8:50:44 AM)
OP - you may want to add something to your profile indicating you're not into micromanaging and that you're more interested in being the Dominant in the bedroom rather than 24/7. Something about the way you have it written leads me to think you want 24/7. You are seeking 2 slaves, and a live-in down the road ... to me that speaks of a fairly high level of commitment and involvement, which would lead me to think you want control outside the bedroom as well. Of course, that's just my impression after reading hundreds of profiles - but if I got that impression, perhaps others do as well.

chamberqueen -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 9:46:41 AM)
There are many Doms who prefer to be "session" Doms than all the time. If a session to you means having sex then you could definitely fall within that category. You might still assign a few tasks, such as keeping in touch by email once a day, and still fall into that basic category. As for asking to use the bathroom, that is something that I've done in a chat simply out of politeness to let the person know that I need to be away for a few minutes. Instead of just announcing that I need to go I will ask permission as a show of respect. It doesn't mean that I'm expecting the person to take full control of my life. It would be different if I asked how many pieces of toilet paper I was allowed to use or what my time allotment was.

Rainfire -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 10:21:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear FR <snip> . In the final analysis, what works for you and your partner is good to go and bugger what the rest of us think or do.. This is the most important thing to remember. If you're worried, a nice description in your profile similar to what you've used here would work, stating that you're looking for someone who can be a friend, lover, lady and knows her mind. Lumus and I don't have strict protocols in a lot of things, similar to Iron Bear, he doesn't give hard and fast orders too often. But there is an element of D/s in our lives every single moment, it's just so subtle that most people don't recognize it and just think we have an old-fashioned 50's type of marriage. He has his role, I have mine. (Unlike holly, I know when to bite my tongue, usually....) Just be upfront, take your time and get to know people. As you talk together about what you want, getting to know each other, you can decide if you'll be a good fit. [:)]

CreativeDominant -> RE: No longer sure where I fit (3/5/2009 12:22:41 PM)
I wish you good luck on your journey and will agree with the "heavenly hollgoNOTsolightly" that you can find an awful lot of good on these forums. Listen to those who make sense to you and who seem to make a lot of sense to others and you will be ahead of many who do not want to listen to anyone. That said, as Lashra noted, it is YOUR dynamic (or dynamics) and YOUR relationship. As far as telling others what your relationship with your "main" lady is, be honest and state that it is open. Most details of it they don't need to know and many of the intimate details they have no right to know other than that it is an open relationship. When you look at forming a D/s dynamic with another and a relationship of some sort with another, be honest with them...tell them what you like both in and out of the bedroom and what part D/s plays in those arenas. For myself, every D/s dynamic I have been in of a serious nature has had control in all areas, not the bedroom alone or outside the bedroom alone. But, in the details of a submissive's life...that has varied. Certain things I have NO interest in controlling; bathroom functions (as you and Lashra noted), telling them how to do each and every little thing whether it be cooking or cleaning or laundry or shining their shoes or kneeling, telling them what to do in their career, etc.. I know there are those who are into that type of total control and hooray for them if it works. It does not for me. I do not want to have to control an adult by taking over and functioning as the submissive's uber-command. I want to be her "control-central", I want to be a guiding force for her in those areas she wants guidance in but I want someone who quickly learns what makes me happy, what makes our D/s dynamic happiest and then sets about fulfilling her part in that.

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