It's "That" time again......

It's "That" time again...... (Full Version)

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hizgeorgiapeach -> It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 6:28:22 PM)
The last few weeks have been relatively mild with dad. So much so that I've sort of been wondering when the other shoe would drop, so to speak. It finally did this evening, just a few minutes ago, and drove home to me once again just how much he's Not the person he used to be. He called me into his room - not his normal "emergency" type yell that typically turns out to be something totally stupid and more a matter of him seeing whether people will still jump and run when he yells - just.... called my name, and when I went in there, told me "I need your help with something - I can't remember your kids names." In the nearly 3 years now since the inital stroke, he's Never been unable to remember names and places. He frequently forgets what day of the week it is, or how much time there is between "today" and say... "when you leave for your trip on Sunday." But never names. Never the people he knew prior to the strokes. Never their relationship to him, or how that relationship stood as far as whether it was amicable or strained. He routinely forgets dates and times - but never faces, never people, never his Family even those members of it that he's not fond of. For most of the past 10 years, his mother hasn't known who I was, much less who either of my children were, despite both of them being born long before the alzheimer's became bad enough to seriously affect her. He's been terrified, since she went into the nursing home almost a decade ago, that he would end up with the same illness in his own old age - and the slightest hint of memory loss has subsequently sent him into a state of extreme anxiety, sometimes to the point of near panic. His older granddaughter - my eldest spawn - will be 22 in a few months. And he can't remember her name, or how old she is, or when she was born. Or my marriage to the sperm donor that was nominally her father, that lasted barely a year before I divorced him for being both abusive and an utter moron. It hurts, seeing him like this. It hurts knowing that over the next few months, as the end gets closer, it's going to get worse - and not worse so it can get better - just worse. It hurts seeing that look of desolation on his face, when he knows that he Should know something, but he doesn't. It hurts seeing him nearly in tears because there's something in the back of his brain prodding him, saying "you should know this... you used to know this..... why don't you know this any more?" Is it ever actually going to Stop hurting?

LinnaeaBorealis -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 6:33:54 PM)
Silent hugs

GreedyTop -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 6:34:02 PM)
Rhi... biggest hugs I wish I could say the hurt would go away soon.. but it wont. Probably not until long after he is gone. Love him... remind yourself that it's the disease. I wish I could help....

girlygurl -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 6:54:43 PM)
I am so sorry you're experiencing this right now. Sending you warm soft hugs.

PanthersMom -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:02:04 PM)
it's scary for both of you, i'm sure. maybe a family tree might help, pictures and names and such on a chart on the wall, not a replacement for knowing, to be sure, but something to help him get a little less panicked about it. knowing where to look might be a big help. this idea might work with other areas of living as well. PM

LinnaeaBorealis -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:07:13 PM)
Anybody ever read the book "The Memory Board"? It deals with just this issue. I like PM's suggestion. It might help.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:09:24 PM)
GT, part of my problem, when push comes to shove, is that I had convinced myself (obviously mistakenly lol) that I had gotten my Grieving over and done with over the past couple of long, drawn out years. I've become so...... numb..... really.. to most of what's going on that it rarely affects me on any sort of deep level any longer. Hell, I'm first and foremost a Survivor - I bounce back, I keep going, and very little makes it deep enough these days to pull me up short and make me go WHOA. Yeah, there are good days and bad days around here - but now that I've had time to adjust to him being back home - and he's had time to adjust to being back home, and come to the realization that it's Not just temporary or a bad practical joke - things have settled pretty much into a routine. So much a routine, in fact, that when he starts getting rude and pissy with the hospice nurses or aides who come over to help him or check on him, I have developed a sure fire method of Attitude Adjustment. He starts cussing them out and getting obnoxious - I march into the room, tell him that's unacceptable and if he doesn't stop - I'm going to find him a new nursing home to live in - a cheap one he's guarenteed to Hate. He shuts up, quits cussing people out, and becomes Instantly cooperative and compliant with what Needs to be done for him! I generally only have to use that particular threat every couple of weeks it works so well. Kinda like while he was still in the nursing home, I would get a call from the nurses about once a month saying that dad was getting particularly uncooperative and obnoxious - I'd drive over there, tell him if he didn't behave and cooperate I'd quit bringing him any ciggarettes, and he'd be on good behavior for several more weeks. This new one with the being unable to remember my children - the old of whom he was instrumental in raising for a large part of her life, while I was doing the whole single parent thing with her - that hit me hard though. It brought a - I don't know - to painful flashback of his mother, 3 months after going to a nursing home with Alzheimer's, asking who I was when we went down to Dallas to visit. She'd been part of my life since I was Eight, when he and my mom got married. She'd watched at their wedding as I stood as mom's maid of honor, and my idiot brother (still an amicable child at that point, for the most part) stood as dad's best man. She'd been at my highschool graduation, watched as I went to college, got married, had a child, got divorced, and gone back to college not once but twice. And suddenly she had no recollection of who I was, what my relationship to her was, or how long she'd known me. When I came back in here from dad telling me he couldn't remember the names of his grandkids - I had a flash of utter Terror that any day now I'm going to go into his room to give him his meds, and he's not going to remember who *I am any longer - kinda like his mother doesn't remember who HE is any longer.

purepleasure -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:12:31 PM)
Rhi, cherish this time that you have with him. Truly, I wish I could offer you words of hope and comfort. However, I can offer you a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and my sleeve that you can dry your eyes on. Try to find time to make a scrapbook with him of his family and of events that were and are important to him. Use your mad computer and craft skillz to put captions and information with each picture, if possible. It will help him remember these things for as long as possible. I watched my great grandmother, grandmother, and the beginning signs of alzheimer's/dementia in my mother. Cancer took my mother before she lost too much of her memory. The terror in Mammy's and Gram's eyes, as they struggled to remember, was hard to witness. Be kind to yourself, and know that so many of us care about you. {{{hugs}}} pure

GreedyTop -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:31:33 PM)
Rhi..call me if you need to. hugs

LadyPact -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:44:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach Is it ever actually going to Stop hurting? I'm going to address this, and just this. Will it stop? No. What it will be is different. You'll go through different phases. Some will be maddening and some will be easier to accept. Some days, it will feel like there is nothing that is more prominent in your mind, and other days it will feel like something that's become a part of you. Eventually, it will fall to the background of the day to day. With that said, there will also be days that it sneaks up on you and will come back with a vengeance. It can happen from just out of the blue. No one can say what each day brings. From the other side of the screen, I feel for you, and the challenges that the days before you will bring. Best of luck, Lady Pact

lusciouslips19 -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 7:50:42 PM)
I know its hard . I am watching my mom deteriotate rapidly. She has already shrunk in height and she cant barely talk Its so hard to watch your parents who take care of you need taking care of and then face their demise. We will never be ready for it. Coping is very hard. If you would like to talk to someone whos going through this too, you know where to find me. We have no choice but to deal with pain and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is somethings thatall of us must submit too whether dominant or submissive and whether we want to or not. (((hugs)))

hejira92 -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 8:11:09 PM)
Rhi, many, many hugs. I can feel the pain and fear in your words through cyberspace. I wish I could make it all better. Sometimes, real life sucks. There have been some great suggestions here. I have nothing constructive to say, only empathy and love to give. And I'm sending lots of it. Isn't it amazing, how we can all come here and express and vent and share, and somehow it eases our burdens?

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 8:24:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 Isn't it amazing, how we can all come here and express and vent and share, and somehow it eases our burdens? Hejira - yall are a lot cheaper than a psychiatrist, and not nearly as judgemental! It's not surprising to me that it eases the burden, emotionally. What IS surprising is that yall don't get Really Tired of hearing some of it from some of us! [;)] I can't cancel my upcoming trip. It's 95% business, 5% fun - and business has to go on whether dad is a factor or not. But honestly - unlike flying to Orlando a month ago for four days for the wedding - it's going to be hard to make myself get in the car and drive 12 hours, even knowing that the Hospice nurses are going to be by daily to check on him, and the 2 people who have agreed (thank the gods) to stay with him have all the emergency info, and know how to contact me if there's a critical situation, and it's Highly Unlikely that anything Truely Critical will happen during the several days that I'll be out of town. There's this little niggling portion at the back of my brain that's paranoia driven - which keeps telling me, ever since his comment earlier about not b eing able to remember the names of his grandkids, that if I head outta town, I'm gonna get a call before I even make it to the state border saying I need to turn around, that he's died while I was on the road. I know it's paranoia. I know it's that tendency to panic when something crops up like this that Does slap me in the face and drive it all very deeply home again now that I've adjusted to having him living with me rather than in a nursing home. I know that Physically, he's probably got another couple of months before the end actually Gets Here - although watching his continuing (and rapidly increasing) deterioration makes me wonder if the timetable the docs laid out isn't a bit off. I also know that part of the reason he's facing so many problems This Week in particular is because Yesterday (the 7th) was the 7th anniversary of mom's death from cryptococcus pnumonia. Now that that specific anniversary has come and gone, emotionally he's ...... Ready.... and is simply waiting for his body to "cooperate" with his spirit and brain.

califsue -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 10:34:46 PM)
Hugs to you. I am going through a similar situation with my parents. My dad had a deep brain stroke in January and while he is doing much better there are days he doesn't know things. My parents just asked me this week-end about East/West directions and both have always been very good at directions. It is maddening, frustrating, annoying and challenging. It is very difficult to see your parents fail before your eyes and know that there isn't anything you can do about it.

Vendaval -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 10:36:05 PM)
Rhi, If you ever need to chat I am up all hours of the day and night. ((Big hugs))

Daddysredhead -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/8/2009 11:05:13 PM)
Rhi, I just wanted to offer you and your dad my sincerest prayers and warm wishes. My mom had several strokes years ago and it was hard watching her struggle. Love your dad, tell him, show him. I wish I knew something better to say to take the hurt away. Write to me if you need to. My box is open to you. Love, Red

PanthersMom -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/9/2009 3:40:50 AM)
it's hard watching our parents become what we remember our grandparents were. PM

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/9/2009 4:26:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PanthersMom it's hard watching our parents become what we remember our grandparents were. PM That's definately part of it, PM! Both my grandfathers went very suddenly, and with their full faculties intact. Mom went very quickly, and with her full faculties intact. Mom's mother is still alive (the one I refer to as the Bat) and still has all her faculties - even if she's emotionally abusive, manipulative, conniving, and generally an unpleasant bitch that no one in the family wants to be around. (She's the one who accused dad and I of being "murderers" when we told the doctor to follow Mom's wishes and pull the plug on her.) Dad's mom, though - it's been wearing on me for nearly 10 years, and I avoid going to see her even when I go to Dallas these days. It's not like she has a clue who I am, or that I'm there, if I DO happen to drop by to check up on her - nor has she for years now. The doctors have been expecting her to die for the past 5 or 6 years, and yet she continues to linger on, now in her 90s, so frail it's a wonder the weight of her own breathing doesn't crush the life out of her. And seeing her like that brought back memories of watching my maternal Great Grandmother, who died when I was a child. Her not knowing who the bat (her daughter) or mom or my brother and I were. Of being rather literally forced to go with mom and the bat for visits because I was 6 or 7 years old and therefore the choice wasn't mine to make. What I remember most clearly from that are things like the smell of the nursing home - which made it really difficult for me to go see dad while he was living in one, any more frequently than I absolutely Had to be there. The sounds - constant moaning from various portions of the building, as though someone were in pain and didn't quite remember how to articulate that - the gibberish that was all grams was capable of articulating by that point, because she was so far gone in senile dementia that speech was beyond her. And now to hear dad at times moan and groan in his sleep - not even aware that he's made a sound - or make rather feeble calls for help for things that he used to take for granted just kinda.... some days, it's hard to hear, simply because it brings all that back that I didn't even realize until this past few months I even still remembered from early childhood. I guess I mistakenly thought that once the adjustments were made, and I was used to having him here at home with me rather than in the nursing home, that it would somehow get easier to cope, even though I knew that it was going to be stressful in other ways, like dealing with a given day's minor crisises. I'm definately ready for it to become easier to cope - and to quit having to deal with his ability to induce a guilt trip every time I leave the house for more than 10 minutes, or act like I've somehow betrayed him in attempting to still have something that resembles a life of my own outside of taking care of him. I'm more than ready for him to quit throwing a subtle temper tantrum every time one of my CNA friends watches him so I can leave for several hours - by refusing to eat until *I come home and fix his meal, even though he knows full well that at least Part of the reason they're here with him while I'm gone is so that his meals aren't delayed waiting on me to get back. I'm tired of waking up on the rare mornings that he doesn't get me out of bed 2 or 3 times in the night - wondering whether I'm going to go check on him and find him dead in his sleep, and that's why I got one of those rare nights of uninterupted rest. I'm tired of the smell of strong disinfectant, rubber gloves, and that nebulous "old age infirmary" scent that nothing seems to adequately mask. I'm tired of hearing wheezing and gasping, the thump of the oxygen seperator, and constant low sounds of pain that he's not even aware he's making and nothing seems to actually aleviate.

sirsholly -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/9/2009 4:30:34 AM)
quote: I had convinced myself (obviously mistakenly lol) that I had gotten my Grieving over and done with over the past couple of long, drawn out years. you are setting yourself up for disaster with this. The fact is you will grieve with each change in his condition and you must allow yourself to do so. It is normal, natural, and the end result of grief is acceptance. An episode of grief caused you to write this thread and probably assisted you in accepting his inability to remember your childrens names. You are so very strong. (((((hug)))))

MJinx -> RE: It's "That" time again...... (3/9/2009 4:51:17 AM)
::hugs Rhi:: I lost my grandma yesterday, and it hurt alot, but I have kind of come to realize that the pain doesn't die off. The pain becomes like a very slight dull ache when you think about that person, instead of a sharp, cutting pain. You know me, IM me you need to talk, we helped each other through stuff like this before, we can do it again. :)

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