Going to a public play party for the first time...

Going to a public play party for the first time... (Full Version)

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Tege -> Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/8/2009 6:32:54 PM)
I have no experience with BDSM whatsoever except for some self-bondage experiments, so the whole public play party thing is quite an exciting opportunity. Apparently most people who go to public play parties go alone, which is perfect since I don't know anyone among my friends that are open-minded enough about kink. I'm pretty lucky to be close to San Francisco which is probably one of the most liberal and open-minded people live in America, so they have quite a lot of kinky stuff aimed at different kinds of people for all ages above 18. That being said, I'm not entirely sure what I should do once I get inside the public play party (I'm thinking about a party in SF Citadel that's below ground level apparently). Perhaps I should take a few BDSM classes beforehand? I really have no idea...

LadyPact -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/8/2009 6:37:42 PM)
Please see the extremely similar post made by lovingpet made on this very forum.

AquaticSub -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/8/2009 6:45:39 PM)
My advice? Go into it with an open mind, ask questions before you judge, talk to a DM if you have issues and, most important of all... remember that these are simply people with whom you share an interest in BDSM. Some of them will be lovely. Some of them will be assholes. Also, don't judge all groups by one group - some are very relaxed and more focused on talking than playing despite being play parties and others are very intense and there is a wait for equipement. Other than that... don't touch what you don't own without permission, don't interupt someone's scene even to ask them a question that feels very important to you. Those are big no-nos that can get into a lot of trouble. I've always found parties and munches to be very friendly places where I've had wonderful conversations - I hope you have the same experience!

MarsBonfire -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/8/2009 8:42:22 PM)
You might want to ask around a bit more before going... Quite often, larger cities have one group that is considered a "gateway" to the larger community. (It's just a suggestion.)

Andalusite -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 8:32:59 AM)
You should check into "Bent," coming up in the beginning of April, since it is geared toward younger folks (18-40). Not that there is anything wrong with all-age parties, but for a first experience, I think you'd feel more comfortable and fit in better. Keep in mind that if you are a single man, you'll probably need to line up a playpartner ahead of time, or plan to just watch the first time. It's fairly unusual for women to want to play with men they've just met at the dungeon that night, even if they are open to more casual play. If you do meet someone you're interested in, try to get to know them a bit as a person first - just coming straight out and asking if they'll play tonight/sometime can be perceived as rude and pushy, and make them less open to playing with you in the future. I don't have a link offhand to recommended dungeon etiquette, but don't touch people or other's toys without a specific invitation (or at least permission), don't get too close to scenes (Dom/mes and tops don't want to have to worry they'll accidentally hit you), keep your voice down if you're talking in the play areas. No photography without permission, etc. Many playparties will allow you to attend for free in exchange for doing a volunteer shift. You can check out the Society of Janus calendar for events/contact info. www.soj.org/calendar/

LadyPact -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 8:57:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite You should check into "Bent," coming up in the beginning of April, since it is geared toward younger folks (18-40). Not that there is anything wrong with all-age parties, but for a first experience, I think you'd feel more comfortable and fit in better. Keep in mind that if you are a single man, you'll probably need to line up a playpartner ahead of time, or plan to just watch the first time. It's fairly unusual for women to want to play with men they've just met at the dungeon that night, even if they are open to more casual play. If you do meet someone you're interested in, try to get to know them a bit as a person first - just coming straight out and asking if they'll play tonight/sometime can be perceived as rude and pushy, and make them less open to playing with you in the future. I don't have a link offhand to recommended dungeon etiquette, but don't touch people or other's toys without a specific invitation (or at least permission), don't get too close to scenes (Dom/mes and tops don't want to have to worry they'll accidentally hit you), keep your voice down if you're talking in the play areas. No photography without permission, etc. Many playparties will allow you to attend for free in exchange for doing a volunteer shift. You can check out the Society of Janus calendar for events/contact info. www.soj.org/calendar/ I can't agree with the above. My sub had absolutely no trouble finding play partners (with My permission) when he visited the area. First night there, didn't know a soul, but did come with an excellent recommendation.

allthatjaz -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 9:04:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub My advice? Go into it with an open mind, ask questions before you judge, talk to a DM if you have issues and, most important of all... remember that these are simply people with whom you share an interest in BDSM. Some of them will be lovely. Some of them will be assholes. Also, don't judge all groups by one group - some are very relaxed and more focused on talking than playing despite being play parties and others are very intense and there is a wait for equipement. Other than that... don't touch what you don't own without permission, don't interupt someone's scene even to ask them a question that feels very important to you. Those are big no-nos that can get into a lot of trouble. I've always found parties and munches to be very friendly places where I've had wonderful conversations - I hope you have the same experience! I think this is good sound advise. There will possibly be a lot of single men around doing people watching. I would say, don't go with any expectations of play and then if you do get to play it will be a bonus to the night. Most women who are lolling around (not scening) will enjoy being told they look stunning [;)] You will probably feel like most of us do when we first go to a club... Like you have just come home!

Andalusite -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 12:17:29 PM)
LadyPact, I vaguely recall you posting about that. I believe you contacted a few people ahead of time to let them know he was coming and to provide a reference, even if you didn't explicitly negotiate play. That is very different from someone walking in "cold," especially when they have no experience, references, etc. I have only been to one playparty recently, and didn't do an explicit scene (just gave the person I went with a backrub). I used to be pretty active in the local community before I met my last boyfriend/Dom, who wasn't into public play. I saw a LOT of men who were basically wallflowers, regardless of their BDSM orientation. I've also met a few men in my local community who have attended playparties solo, and who mentioned that they usually only have the opportunity to watch and socialise, rather than play. I'm just trying to help Tege have a realistic idea of what to expect, so that if he wants to play at the first one he attends, he can try to find a partner ahead of time. Otherwise, it's fairly unlikely. If he were an experienced player who knew a lot of people, he might well have a lot of women approach him for a scene. There is nothing wrong with going to watch and meet people, but if he wants hands-on experience, going to a class such as Mike West's intro to shibari, which welcomes singles who are willing to either top or bottom, will probably be a more productive venue, or reaching out to people here or in the local community to find a playpartner. Personally, I didn't find munches very useful for that - most of the time, it's tough to get into a conversation with anyone about anything but small talk, geek talk, and (friendly) gossip. When I have been able to strike up an interesting conversation, others tend to congregate around us and switch the topic back to one of those three things! YMMV, though, and perhaps that would be a more useful resource for him. shrugs

SingleRarity -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 1:52:59 PM)
Tege, Congrats on getting out there into the real world. Citadel play parties are great, and I echo the other poster who recommended going to "Bent". It's one of the Citadel's busiest parties. Upstairs is where most of the socializing is going on. There is usually some light snacks and beverages offered. People congregate on the couches and chairs, and it's never to hard to introduce yourself and join in a conversation. Everyone at the Citadel has been amazing to my Sir and I since we moved to the are in November of last year. There are few pieces of equipment upstairs, but the main dungeon is downstairs. There is always a scene to watch and enjoy. There is less socializing downstairs, and your best bet for finding a play partner would be through the casual conversation upstairs. The Citadel has lockers for your stuff, free to use, but you need to bring your own lock. It's not a bad area of town, per say, but it's recommended that you don't leave valuable stuff in your car, as there have been break in's. Cabs are abundant in the area, if that's your transportation. You don't really need to have any "skills" before you attend, as you're not required to play, and you may not find a partner that evening. However, classes are a great way to meet people, new friends, even potential dates, so if you have a chance I definitely recommend hitting some up. The Society of Janus calendar is a great recourse for the goings on in the bay area. Also, FetLife has dedicated groups for the Citadel, Edges, and SF in general, where upcoming classes and events are listed, so you may want to look into that too. BTW the Citadel isn't literally underground, only the bottom floor. The entrance and first floor is at street level and well lit. No need to look for a secret tunnel! Daddy's Ballerina, e

lovingpet -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 4:28:36 PM)
Well, at least you seem calm about the whole thing OP! I wasn't. If you want to see a good meltdown, look at my thread from two weeks ago. That was my first time going to a dungeon. I went with my partner, so it is a bit different from what you are planning. I will be honest. Aside from my own discomfort at what may be required of me, I had a light fun evening just watching some good scenes and smiling at the seemingly nice people. I am pretty quiet so I don't think I said but a sentence or two all night to anyone other than my partner, but it was a good time. If you have any intentions of playing, I would bring along whatever stash of toys you may have and things for post scene as well. If you use it great! You were prepared. If not, then it is not much trouble to just load it back in when you leave. Watching is a great thing to do the very first time. Talking to people might be fun too, but I'll have to get back to you on that one! [;)] All in all, enjoy your evening! lovingpet

LovingMistress45 -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 5:05:36 PM)
I hope you have a great time. You might also try going to some munches it is a good way to meet people in a smaller group. I know in my area there are a lot of munches that have a private invite party after and usually once someone has attend a time or two they get invited. I know that at a smaller party I am more likely to ask a new sub if he/she wants to play.

LadyPact -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 5:56:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite LadyPact, I vaguely recall you posting about that. I believe you contacted a few people ahead of time to let them know he was coming and to provide a reference, even if you didn't explicitly negotiate play. That is very different from someone walking in "cold," especially when they have no experience, references, etc. I have only been to one playparty recently, and didn't do an explicit scene (just gave the person I went with a backrub). I used to be pretty active in the local community before I met my last boyfriend/Dom, who wasn't into public play. I saw a LOT of men who were basically wallflowers, regardless of their BDSM orientation. I've also met a few men in my local community who have attended playparties solo, and who mentioned that they usually only have the opportunity to watch and socialise, rather than play. I'm just trying to help Tege have a realistic idea of what to expect, so that if he wants to play at the first one he attends, he can try to find a partner ahead of time. Otherwise, it's fairly unlikely. If he were an experienced player who knew a lot of people, he might well have a lot of women approach him for a scene. There is nothing wrong with going to watch and meet people, but if he wants hands-on experience, going to a class such as Mike West's intro to shibari, which welcomes singles who are willing to either top or bottom, will probably be a more productive venue, or reaching out to people here or in the local community to find a playpartner. Personally, I didn't find munches very useful for that - most of the time, it's tough to get into a conversation with anyone about anything but small talk, geek talk, and (friendly) gossip. When I have been able to strike up an interesting conversation, others tend to congregate around us and switch the topic back to one of those three things! YMMV, though, and perhaps that would be a more useful resource for him. shrugs I think both have merit. I only contacted one person to get him in the door. As for the rest, clip is pretty good about being useful, polite, respectful, and a lot of other things that make him a good play potential. Both of us (him in person and Me through the after event recap) were very impressed with how welcome he was made to feel and how nice the people were there. I was quite very pleased to even receive emails the following day from some of the folks who met clip. They were very kind. So, maybe this is additional learning. References can be good. Icebreakers can be good. Not everyone goes the same way or uses the same method. Sometimes things will work and other times they won't. You never know.

Tege -> RE: Going to a public play party for the first time... (3/9/2009 7:57:38 PM)
Calm? I'm just trying to keep myself from getting too excited! After all, finals week is coming up and all I can think about is the kinky stuff that I'm going to see during my break. But yes, I did do a little bit of research and I don't expect to play on my first visit (believe it or not, I am a bit of a prude) I was thinking about taking classes first before attending a play party, but I guess it would be a better idea to go to a play party and try to get used to the environment. One step at a time I suppose!

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