RE: Styles of Domination

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Styles of Domination

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Styles of Domination

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/12/2009 2:35:07 PM

MasterRaid

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/16/2008
From: The Brink of insanity.
Status: offline

I would say you are well on your way. Keeping it simple is the best course of action. Keep up the reading and I would try to look into the things I spoke of I think you will find you like them.

_____________________________

First rule in dealing with the Devil............................
..................................................................DON'T!

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 21

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/12/2009 3:23:07 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

you sound very comfortable with yourself and your partner, and the other way around as well. the last part of your post will come with time. your open mind, and willingness to explore and learn will suit you well. your ability to read the situation at a such a low level of experience should only improve with time.

cheers

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 22

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/12/2009 8:57:15 PM

subbisherri

Posts: 109
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

Ihmenjo, it's really easy for people to say, "oh go to munches and find groups and get out and explore." It might not seem all that easy though, much more likely to be self-conscious and nervous and ill-at-ease. That said, these people are probably the least judgemental crew you will ever meet. Sure there are cliques and attitudes and egos, but if you exude an aura of an open mind, you will be greeted with the same. Don't feel you have to go as a couple, hens and stags are welcome too! Think of it more like joining a coffee-house chat with people who happen to have a certain sexual proclivity? And there's way more to gab about than sex!

ss

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 23

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/15/2009 5:35:46 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

i think munches serve more as a social time than i do informative.

keep exploring. its a huge world out there. maybe find some people who specialize in what gets you going, and learn as you go

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 24

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/15/2009 6:42:14 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear Ihmenjo, Ladies and Gentlemen;

You are correct sir, there are many 'styles' of domination. From the subtle to the obvious.

Perhaps, in looking into your life's experiences; you can borrow from the four cornerstones of Dominance/submission. Religion, Imperial (Royal family, etc.), Military and or Civilian.

Each creates the line to which Dominance exists and the submission ends. Protocols, history, traditions, ceremonies; each have rules to which draws the invisible line between those who dominate and or in a role of leadership and or responsibilities and those who surrender their dominant role in exchange to be in a support and or following/submission role.

Please do understand, that the Dominant does not have responsibilities alone. True, the Dominant due to leadership and in control, must have all the plans for success, failure, crisis and back-up plans in place, as to come out with total success of the scene, e.g. bondage scene, etc. The submissive also has their responsibilities as well, to be honest with you in communicating. To not try to assume what is safe or not; as many find out later in their submission, it is not about being like everybody else's submission but--their own quality of submission--not the quantity. If the both of you are not happy--something is wrong. But, the submissive can play an active role, in responsibilities to create a great scene.

Checking rope, you check the rope also. Talk to each other, use a pain scale and to match each other's understanding, as to what is an ouch, ow, I'm going to kill you when free and or that mmmm good ouch, pain and such.

Go to special interest work shops, like rope bondage, rope dress, suspension, etc. And, the fact be known; the most secure bondage is within the heart and soul of another. Invisible--yet of steel. A command is bondage. To halt, sit, raise arms, etc., all commands are a form of control--thus bondage as much as domination. It is the other's 'will' freely surrendering to trust in the dominant/leader; to which once lost will never, ever return.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 25

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/17/2009 7:26:49 PM

MyWorldCT

Posts: 98
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline

Ummm... you just need to be true and honest to yourself, explore your feelings and other's feelings, and have fun with it. If it is not fun anymore, then try something else. Keep it exciting, fun and honest. Learn to open up and communicate and most importantly... learn to listen.

Good luck and have fun!

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 26

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/20/2009 8:05:02 PM

Ihmenjo

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

I'll have to apologize for my long absence, but I just finally got my internet back. Hooray!

Anyhow, my initial issue is that I tend to have what I call a very gentle style of domination. Now, I don't necessarily believe this is something wrong, but it does leave me a bit befuddled as to how to progress.
I believe in punishments and such, but my temperament and such tends to be more compassionate and caring rather than strict and domineering. I look at myself more as a teacher than a dominant where my submissive is an apt student, ready to learn.

I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm still coming into my own.

(in reply to MyWorldCT)

Post #: 27

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/23/2009 8:33:22 AM

sailorfrank

Posts: 127
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline

Hmmm well you do have to hurt the ones you care for at times. Mostly when they need it or want it, whatever the case may be!

Most of all be firm and develop confidence in yourself and your actions. This will take time of course and you may make mistakes learn from them and move on okay!

Three words....Lead, Follow, Get the Hell out of the way! well more than three, but you must learn to project a air about you that makes people want to follow and listen to you. You dont have to be loud or nasty about it but be Dominate in your actions as well as your attitude.

It will take time to develop of course but dont rush it. Oh and good luck to you as we all started in your place at one time.

Except for those of us that were born to Dominate!

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 28

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/23/2009 9:01:57 AM

CrazyCats

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/15/2009
Status: offline

Alright, after really reading over the whole thread, rather than one of the OP's responses (It looked like it was the opening post at the time) I have a slightly different perspective of what you're asking.

Yes.

Yes, gentle is a style. Yes, subtle control and pleasure/privilege denial are very effect forms of punishment. Yes, you need to go and learn through doing. You may find out that you enjoy something you never ever thought you would enjoy. (I've figured that I like a secretarial style slave, as I am about as organized as bomb blast, and it is actually pleasurable for me, beyond just being utilitarian.)

Yes, checking out a munch is worth it. We just went to our first munch a couple of weekends ago, and had a great time. Most groups are concerned with privacy, and most are not the "shove it down random people's throats" type of kinky. It may be a drive, and it may not be something you will be able to do all the time, but it is worth it. No one can learn everything from books. (I love to read, and yes, that's hard to admit) Learn by doing. Rather than making up your mind about a particular activity/kink, try it first, at least once. Then you can say, "Yep, I tried it, and no, I know don't like it."

But the bottom line is, have fun. Kink is meant to add to a relationship, and if you find that some parts don't add to your relationship with your girl, then ignore them. There is no rule about what you have to do or not do when it comes to things that are consensual between you and your girl. (Even the laws are slowly changing and making allowances for the difference between consented kink and abuse.)

< Message edited by CrazyCats -- 3/23/2009 9:28:07 AM >

_____________________________

quote:

Niccolo Machiavelli
Severities should be dealt out all at once, so that their suddenness may give less offense; benefits ought to be handed out drop by drop, so that they may be relished the more.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 29

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/23/2009 3:26:47 PM

elleRT

Posts: 28
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

We all started inexperienced and had to learn the way. Some did it the hard way, some did it the safe way. Whatever you want is out there. Get involved, participate, ask questions, do things. Just remember though.... There is thousands of things out there, you don't have to take them all in and make them your own. Just keep what works for you. Eventually "your specific" style will emerge and that is what you stick with.

Above all, don't let anyone "label" you as this or that. Make your own label and do things that you like/are comfortable with. The rest will fall into place. After all, you are the one that should be happy with your choices no one else. Take your time, don't rush things, it will not happen overnight. Just be yourself and you will be fine :)

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 30

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/23/2009 4:57:21 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I don't think it's a learned behavior. You either want to be in charge or you don't going to a munch ain't going to help improve that skill set..

Hear, hear.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 31

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/23/2009 4:59:47 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I look at myself more as a teacher than a dominant

Sorry, laddy. Teachers aren't befuddled. You cannot teach anybody anything if you're befuddled. You sound as though you're headed for Casablanca, having been told it is nice, without any idea of where it is.

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 32

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/24/2009 7:11:11 PM

inkSecret

Posts: 83
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline

There are rules to being dominant. There's only one style.

1. You need to be over fourty. If you're not over fourty you can't possibly be dominant. At all. Ever.
2. Only rough powerful and abusive men are dominant. They need to act derogatorily all the time.
3. Asians can't be dominant, they're too mysterious and silent

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 33

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/24/2009 8:06:59 PM

Ihmenjo

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/18/2007
Status: offline

Again, thank you to all who have responded! I'll agree, I should have just outright said "Is there such thing as a gentle dominant?" That was my mistake, but that first post was more of an introduction to an issue... where I stupidly left out the actual issue!

Actually, I think that dominance can be a learned behavior. It's quite difficult, I'd have to imagine. For some people it just comes MORE naturally than others. I think that people are very able to change if they are willing to do so. Will a natural submissive suddenly become a dominant... not necessarily, because that isn't what I am saying. With the right situations, stimuli, and tools, some people will undergo transformations they never though possible. That in mind, I think someone who exposes themselves to the idea with the mindset of becoming a dominant can actually do so... they just may not be as "good" to other as a natural dominant. Perhaps all that experience as a submissive or observing the actions of other dominants during their lifetime will help them to become a better dominant themselves...

Did I ever say that I knew what I was doing? No, I said I view myself more this way. Why am I befuddled? It's because I'm new to this and admit that I will make mistakes. I don't want an end-all solution, but guiding advice will really work well. Still, I'm not looking to make D/s a kink for my relationship, but rather to incorporate it into my relationship.
To me, I prefer a gentle style of domination because I like bondage, but that's about it. I've never been physical past the actual sexual part. Yes, I have sadistic tenancies and thoughts, but I wasn't raised in a way that I'd actually act on them. It's against my code of ethics or my morals, or whatever you'd like to group them under. I see myself in that role of a teacher because I'm not trying to enforce my will upon a submissive but rather to guide them. Maybe I should call myself a "councilor" to be more politically correct, but I would much rather that my submissive is learning from me and adapting to me rather than completely changing herself to fit my ideals. I'm willing to compromise because I'd rather put my submissive's' happiness before my happiness at times. If any of that make me less of a dominant, then I'd rather not be one.

Myself, I am often described as a walking contradiction. I have a lot of growing up to do, still... and I recognize that fully. I'm just hoping that this part of my relationship grows along with me. It's all that I can ask for to get more experience... books only take you so far, as someone has already pointed out. I'm a lot of research and reading, but sadly not much actual experience. It's what you need when you don't already have it (a wonderful catch 22).

< Message edited by Ihmenjo -- 3/24/2009 8:09:39 PM >

(in reply to inkSecret)

Post #: 34

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/24/2009 9:12:01 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ihmenjo
Anyhow, my initial issue is that I tend to have what I call a very gentle style of domination. Now, I don't necessarily believe this is something wrong, but it does leave me a bit befuddled as to how to progress.
I believe in punishments and such, but my temperament and such tends to be more compassionate and caring rather than strict and domineering. I look at myself more as a teacher than a dominant where my submissive is an apt student, ready to learn.

I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm still coming into my own.

When I came to this site (less than a year ago) my profile read in bold, red type that I needed a gentle and patient dominant. I got blasted quite a bit for that and repeatedly told there was no such thing. There are indeed gentle dom/mes and there are subs that are currently looking for one. No one can *force* me to submitt, but my Mistress knows how to seduce me to surrender whatever she wants of me. She will use the cane on me when punishment is called for, but she knows she will get the service from me through gentle strokes and encouraging words. Check out my journal entries and hers (MistressYes) if you want to see what a gentle domme can acheive when matched with a sub who responds to that style. If I had ended up with a dom/me who never showed approval or insisted on whipping me for any minor error I likely would not be on this board now.

I would suggest you go into the chat rooms and talk to people there. Find some other dom/mes who guide their subs with a gentle hand.

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 35

RE: Styles of Domination - 3/28/2009 7:54:34 PM

MasterDarkSadist

Posts: 60
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

I don't mean to be blunt, but here goes. Being a Dom/Master is more about personality and confidence than anything else. If you cannot command respect and obedience as a matter of course, then you should do some introspection about what you are. Also, you cannot be a Dom without being able to make those tough choices about how to go about getting that obedience....not everything is accomplished through positive or negative reinforcement, respectively.

Just a few things to consider......being a Dom is about manipulating your sub's mental headspace more than anything else.

However, my take on things is most likely much different than yours. You can take what you want from what I have said though.....as other perspectives can always be helpful. Of course......you are looking to create a Dom/sub relationship, whereas I fall under the Master/slave category.

< Message edited by MasterDarkSadist -- 3/28/2009 7:57:37 PM >

(in reply to Ihmenjo)

Post #: 36

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Styles of Domination

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109